Do you struggle to fit and belong?

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I feel like I am the person I do not want to be.
Feel such an effort to fit neurotypicals and I do want to be nice to them. It is hard living a life trying to be likeminded and get along with others.
I feel like my Christian faith is big in me but I am not sure if I could go to heaven I'd ever want to go there. Because I'm not sure I would like it or fit that box or not get bored there thinking I would have to live in like a fantasy reality.
Like I am not sure I relate to Christian anymore though there are still areas of the church and Christian traditions I love. I'm not really sure..I feel like I like church worship and would definitely go if I enjoyed the church or felt welcome but I am not sure the word Christian fits me anymote or whether I just want to call it faith or relationship with God
I feel like I do not know any smart and interesting people who read books and live a life that is not glued to a smartphone. Like I want to meet people who make me think or read interesting things.
I am scared I am close to non verbal though i am verbal
Because I feel like numb to physical affection too like I'm not sure I crave it anymore. I crave sensual attention
So I feel like my life is messed up.
I feel like I want to go on and drink a lot even though I have been very scared and am afraid of vomiting and losing control.
But having some spritzers or drinking a beer.
And just doing something I hace never done. Like win a thousand dollar voucher and buy some clothes. Or buy tatts tickets each week.
I want to go to the beach and look at all the shops.
I feel like I want to go swimming with sharks or swim the English channel.
I'm not sure what else.
I want a job
I want to work in advertising and have my family live in another country and visit them and fly a lot
And wear business clothes maybe.
I want to see if I could work a job. I wish I had that challenge.
Even a air hostess. I would love that to do the seatbelts signals, dress in makeup and the uniform and offer people tea and coffee and wrapped up timtams and sweets. If I went on a flight I wish I could eat the bad meal even if I am vegan wish they had vegan bad meals.
I want to eat everything in the hotel mini bar and try the drinks..wish it was vegan
I am sick of understanding others and their flaws.
Idk...where do I belong...
Have the same troubles?
I want to be happy and have freedom
And find interesting people who excite me.
Also sometimes I want yo go back to high school and redo it nut maybe not because I did not enjoy that age
I want some vegan little chocolates in beautiful wrappers in white chocolate and milk chocolate and eat them in bed as well as have a chocolate box of many different types to try.
Also I want to put my whole face in makeup, do my hair very pretty and wear pretty dresses and heels and hace no one be jealous but actually happy to see me look drop dead gorgeous and amazed. Like some people who have drop dead gorgeous people in their lives let them be gorgeous and are not jealous.

 

[KevinMao133]

Absolutely

I’m battling depression

I struggle fitting in

I feel like I’m slowly losing the ability to connect and slowly disconnecting from reality

 

[Aspychata]

@KevinMao133 can you please schedule for a appointment with a mental health specialist? It feels like you are losing this battle to shake free of thoughts that are holding you back. Please get an appt. Hospitals can not refuse to treat you if you show up at ER. You are talking about this, but you really need to get in. I was on a antidepressant for about 6 months, because l like you, was in a very dark place. It really corrected the chemical levels, and l slowly came back and left that dark hole. Please go in for help.

 

[wildshy]

I feel like I am the person I do not want to be.
Feel such an effort to fit neurotypicals and I do want to be nice to them. It is hard living a life trying to be likeminded and get along with others.
I feel like my Christian faith is big in me but I am not sure if I could go to heaven I'd ever want to go there. Because I'm not sure I would like it or fit that box or not get bored there thinking I would have to live in like a fantasy reality.
Like I am not sure I relate to Christian anymore though there are still areas of the church and Christian traditions I love. I'm not really sure..I feel like I like church worship and would definitely go if I enjoyed the church or felt welcome but I am not sure the word Christian fits me anymote or whether I just want to call it faith or relationship with God
I feel like I do not know any smart and interesting people who read books and live a life that is not glued to a smartphone. Like I want to meet people who make me think or read interesting things.
I am scared I am close to non verbal though i am verbal
Because I feel like numb to physical affection too like I'm not sure I crave it anymore. I crave sensual attention
So I feel like my life is messed up.
I feel like I want to go on and drink a lot even though I have been very scared and am afraid of vomiting and losing control.
But having some spritzers or drinking a beer.
And just doing something I hace never done. Like win a thousand dollar voucher and buy some clothes. Or buy tatts tickets each week.
I want to go to the beach and look at all the shops.
I feel like I want to go swimming with sharks or swim the English channel.
I'm not sure what else.
I want a job
I want to work in advertising and have my family live in another country and visit them and fly a lot
And wear business clothes maybe.
I want to see if I could work a job. I wish I had that challenge.
Even a air hostess. I would love that to do the seatbelts signals, dress in makeup and the uniform and offer people tea and coffee and wrapped up timtams and sweets. If I went on a flight I wish I could eat the bad meal even if I am vegan wish they had vegan bad meals.
I want to eat everything in the hotel mini bar and try the drinks..wish it was vegan
I am sick of understanding others and their flaws.
Idk...where do I belong...
Have the same troubles?
I want to be happy and have freedom
And find interesting people who excite me.
Also sometimes I want yo go back to high school and redo it nut maybe not because I did not enjoy that age
I want some vegan little chocolates in beautiful wrappers in white chocolate and milk chocolate and eat them in bed as well as have a chocolate box of many different types to try.
Also I want to put my whole face in makeup, do my hair very pretty and wear pretty dresses and heels and hace no one be jealous but actually happy to see me look drop dead gorgeous and amazed. Like some people who have drop dead gorgeous people in their lives let them be gorgeous and are not jealous.

Sweetheart, you tend to have the same feelings I have . I feel you when you say you are tired of trying to understand people...
I just don't understand why people compete with each other..
I don't understand why we should understand other people when they don't understand, accept or tolerate us...
So many things I get wrong

 

[Dagan]

There are times that I wish I was more of a care free, extroverted person and got out and about constantly and took all of the pics to put on whatever social media. And then I think about it more and realize that even those people aren't truly happy. They are all either saying, "look at me" or something more along the lines of, "look at me masking away all that bothers me." Either way, those brief moments don't prove those people are happy 24/7. If you pay closer attention, their pics posted are scattered locations and times and just prove that they are constantly searching for yet another place or experience to try and fill a void they have inside...because they also are trying to fit and/or belong somewhere, somehow.

I feel like the real key to victory is finding the right companion, experiencing things, having real happy times and our eyes become the only "lenses / camera" really even needed, seeing one another in whatever places and times. This is the path that I am choosing and hope to prove correct.

 

[Judge]

IMO a lifelong process for many of us on the spectrum that will both ebb and flow at times.

 

[Neri]

I worked so hard to be socially acceptable, but I'm still me and it got too tiring to try so hard.
I now want reciprocity. I will meet people half way. I will try to understand them better, if they offer me the same respect, otherwise, the one sided effort becomes too exhausting.
I can't fit in to prescribed ways of being. I've tried. It just makes me burnt out and I can end up getting so burnt out I have breakdowns.
I need to stim to regulate my nervous system. I need a lot of down time. I need low lights and low noise to regulate my nervous system. I need to pursue my interests to maintain mental wellness. I need to limit my social interactions. I need to think for myself ALWAYS. I need to find my own answers and not have people tell me answers and expect me to believe them without rationale or evidence of such.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Sweetheart, you tend to have the same feelings I have . I feel you when you say you are tired of trying to understand people...
I just don't understand why people compete with each other..
I don't understand why we should understand other people when they don't understand, accept or tolerate us...
So many things I get wrong

That is very true. Buy I know why people compete well I think some of the reasons is thsley get envious people have something they do not or do better than them..some people may be narcissists.
I do not know whether for certain i have autism but I define think I have adhd. Nl am undiagnosed yet. I relate to some things but have some questions as well.
At the same time of not liking people completing because I just like to shine for me and feel safe and be around people who are happy to see me glow and be beautiful and be myself always
But I cannot handle women with any sort of competitive or stuck up side, it vexes me very deeply and i cannot feel free to be me.
I have past very severe trauma with women trying to.pull down my confidence and be nasty and I knew what was going on in their head and heart...very envious nasty thoughts and feelings. I can read people like that. I never thought all women would be envious though because that has not been my experience. Though I.like compliments on my appearance sometimes and am happy to get them because then at least I can feel like I am beautiful especially when a lot of effort is put in.
And a mother who.hurt me in many ways with jealousy at times too. Thst is why it Iis a very painful area too and it was only after u lost weight because before I did I felt it went the other way where she thought I was a bit of a fat blob. She never said it but at times I felt a bit looked down on her Iike I was a fat useless blob. So that was very hard..people have acted so jealous when underweight and I looked like a skeleton at times when I experienced thst it is like oh it is only a bit of weight you'll gain so I am still entitled to act thst way because you'll obviously still be a size 8 or 10 and then act like I'm an absolute fat blob nothing when I am big but obviously that is trauma for you.
I do not understand why I should be forced to understand anyone when I have triggers or at all. Maybe I do not chose it or cannot do it. It can be a strain for an autistic obviously there are some situations where you relate to others that is life.
And also you are right you can give so much and people do not understand the amount of energy or work that goes in and they themselves are not a giver and how givers get tired and need appreciation as well and need freedom and space to be themselves.
Anyway I am a giver despite disabilities and that is why I struggle.
So that is hard you do not look down on people who aren't giving but a lot of people may be very narrow minded where they think of themselves a lot, you gibe to them, they show no appreciation and then just move on and forget you and then you suffer more and probably that is why you should not overgive and take care of yourself as well because it may not end up being worth the effort especially if you have issues of your own.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

There are times that I wish I was more of a care free, extroverted person and got out and about constantly and took all of the pics to put on whatever social media. And then I think about it more and realize that even those people aren't truly happy. They are all either saying, "look at me" or something more along the lines of, "look at me masking away all that bothers me." Either way, those brief moments don't prove those people are happy 24/7. If you pay closer attention, their pics posted are scattered locations and times and just prove that they are constantly searching for yet another place or experience to try and fill a void they have inside...because they also are trying to fit and/or belong somewhere, somehow.

I feel like the real key to victory is finding the right companion, experiencing things, having real happy times and our eyes become the only "lenses / camera" really even needed, seeing one another in whatever places and times. This is the path that I am choosing and hope to prove correct.

You are right though spending copious amounts of hours taking many photos on instagram is time consuming and does not equal happiness and makes people very self absorbed at times probably.
However let women express the way they like, some women like to wear a lot of makeup and express through their appearance and be confident and bold about it.
That is ok..they are just shing their authentic light and at least they are never feeling like they cannot do it where some more traumatised women may struggle to express themselves and their beauty freely especially those with disabilities. My niece is a bit like that too loves pretty clothes but often looks a bit self conscious not like really super confident like some or her friends can appear to be.

 

[Dagan]

Definitely, some folks really do live "in the moment." I'm not at all against anyone flaunting or taking pride in their looks. I just meant that, more often than not, those pics of said person smiling in a flurry of different places with however many different people...can't be taken as absolute proof of happiness...rather it's just a show. And, that said, I don't let it bother me or make me feel lesser than or feel bad for how introverted I am in comparison.

Thinking about it even more, I realize that about the only pics I take of myself are because I made myself look completely different (turned myself into a character - cosplay - acting role), which in most cases is me looking like a goofball, or it's because I had to do a headshot for a profile for business, basically. Other pics of me are obviously what someone else happened to capture.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Definitely, some folks really do live "in the moment." I'm not at all against anyone flaunting or taking pride in their looks. I just meant that, more often than not, those pics of said person smiling in a flurry of different places with however many different people...can't be taken as absolute proof of happiness...rather it's just a show. And, that said, I don't let it bother me or make me feel lesser than or feel bad for how introverted I am in comparison.

Thinking about it even more, I realize that about the only pics I take of myself are because I made myself look completely different (turned myself into a character - cosplay - acting role), which in most cases is me looking like a goofball, or it's because I had to do a headshot for a profile for business, basically. Other pics of me are obviously what someone else happened to capture.

I used to like selfies only when I lose weight though but that does not mean I was not often critical of photos.
In fact I often hate photos and felt more confident when i looked in the mirror and my niece was like the mirror is not accurate and I always wondered that but then I was like if I look how I look on some photos it is sure to be quite a bit worse but still bearable and sometimes I liked photos and sometimes I hated them.
I overall have always liked my features in the mirror but still can be a bit dysmorphic if I look in the mirror too much like I would critique my nose and think it was a bit big and long
However then I realise a lot of people have way worse big noggins and mine is actually quite nice but I do often notice it the most. But my eyes are my favourite and my skin. I think I have nice eyes other things I can critique a bit more.
I like my face because God gave it to me and I do think it is adorable however I have had weight issues which for me has been harder because I was actually quite a big weight and plus size like size 16 to a 18. Which is quite big and in some clothing it can be 20. You know not every clothing was the same. And my face was a lot rounder when I was large.

 

[Dagan]

Sometimes, I do think I might want to have a movie style makeover where I go from kind of a nerd and regular to some chick magnet. But then I realize that I wouldn't like too, too much attention, haha.