Do you think my (soon to be) ex-husband feels free too?

[Sabrina]

I recently separated from my aspie husband, and I am a self-diagnosed aspie too. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, while he was with the kids at his apartment, I drove outside of the city by myself.

‘Why haven’t I done this before?’ I wondered. It’s not that I couldn’t have done it. What had happened in the past was that if I proposed to do something of the like, and my husband and the kids didn’t want to go, I just didn’t end up going (18 years of this). Everytime that happened, I could have gone anyway, but I never did because I felt that if I did, I was going to be a bad mom and wife, for not spending time with them.

Then it occurred to me, that it might have been the same reason why my husband didn’t move out of the house by his own will. He could have done it, but maybe he felt he would not have been a good husband and dad if he did (I had to threw him out after months of indecision and lots of suffering in my part).

My therapist says that I should not try to imagine what’s in his head because I will never know. But I want to know.

I feel free and I think he does too (he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me anymore, and I don’t either). Do you think he feels free too? Yes, I don’t want to feel guilty, maybe that’s why I want to know.

He put a lot of effort decorating his new apartment, and when I asked my 13-year-old daughter about her dad, she told me ‘dad is very proud of his apartment’.

His job is his special interest, and I think he’s just happy to be able to concentrate on it without me expecting him to perform dad duties everyday. He is still coming home to have a meal together with us everyday, and he is spending time with the kids from Saturday afternoon to Sunday evening (they stay over at his place).

I think this arrangement works for him as well as it is working for me. I feel that I don’t have to do the effort to be the good wife anymore, and I think he is relieved of not having to perform the good husband rol either. ‘Wife’ and ‘husband’ had become job titles that we were performing to the bare minimum, and I feel like I quit a job. I think he feels the same way.

 

[tree]

@Sabrina
"My therapist says that I should not try to imagine what’s in his head because I will never know. But I want to know."

If you want to know, maybe you should ask him.

 

[Keigan]

As many know i’m alexithymic. That, mixed with everything else - places myself having more empathy towards animals and children and less empathy towards most adults. Relationships are always hard, sometimes a relationship with self is all I can manage and other times I go the distance to make myself available towards a close relationship - for myself it is based upon choice not feeling.

I also do not do well in a “role of expectation”, though I thrive in a role of living life.

 

[Gritches]

It sounds like a relatively amicable and mutual parting. All I've got to go on is what you've written here so of course my perspective would be limited, but based on what you've said my no BS opinion is that he probably feels the same way. It probably wouldn't be a good thing if he was overjoyed, but if he's happy in his new place and proud of it, and still an active part of your and your kids' lives, then it sounds like he's doing okay. I've definitely heard of and experienced some very messy breakups as well as a few that were mutual and amicable, and this sounds like the latter. I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it, if you feel like you handled it well then you probably did.

Also, I'm not sure if it's appropriate here to say that I'm sorry to hear about your divorce, 18 years is a long time after all, but it sounds like you're both happier now, so by that token I'm glad for you.

 

[Tom]

I wouldn't dwell on it. If things come out naturally in time, fine. Otherwise don't pry. You can't have it both ways.

 

[Sabrina]

@Sabrina
"My therapist says that I should not try to imagine what’s in his head because I will never know. But I want to know."

If you want to know, maybe you should ask him.

Thank you @tree . I wish it was as easy as that. He conceals his feelings as a rule because he thinks that I’m going to take advantage of them.

Trying to make him talk about his feelings is like trying to make him walk on spikes (I become the evil torturer in his eyes, he tries to push me away, I get mad, and the cycle begins per secula seculorum).

Hopefully in the future he wil stop looking at me as the enemy and we’ll comunicate better.

 

[Sabrina]

@Sabrina
"My therapist says that I should not try to imagine what’s in his head because I will never know. But I want to know."

If you want to know, maybe you should ask him.

Afterthought: Talking about feelings with me is a ‘husband rol’. That’s one of the things I think he’s glad he doesn’t have to do anymore.

 

[tree]

I wasn't thinking about it as talking about feelings, actually.
Just a report.

huh
How about that.

Anyway, I thought you wanted to know what he thought.
That didn't translate to me as "talking about feelings."

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

My therapist says that I should not try to imagine what’s in his head because I will never know. But I want to know

I guess that could be one of your 'patterns' (a type of behaviour that can repeat with new players if not understood)

Part of moving on is no longer wanting to know. Sort of like a grieving process thing,maybe.

With so many communication difficulties guessing what's in peoples head is difficult.

An old jerry seinfeld joke was
'Let me answer one of those questions that woman ask men all the time - what are you thinking about?'
'Nothing'

 

[Sid Delicious]

As others have said, if you parted on good terms (no screaming and smashing things) and continue to be good parents to your children, then it sounds as though this was a good idea. It's sometimes much harder to leave not-great-but-not-terrible relationships compared to abusive or cheating ones, as most decent people will want to try and make things work as long as they can. If you are both happier with this new arrangement, then it is for the best. Children need supportive, loving role models as parents and it doesn't matter so much if they are living in the same house. You are teaching them how to amicably change the terms of a relationship without aggression. That's a positive lesson.

On a sort of related note, I've always quite liked the idea of having two homes next-door to eachother as a living arrangement with any partner I have (if I ever find one). Or, at least a big house with seperate rooms for each of us to treat as personal space. I know a lot of couples are happy to live in eachother's pockets, but other than it being rare, I don't see why seperate accomodation is such a bad idea. In the past, I've always found the hardest part of sharing a home is having to share any social event in the home too. If I felt like coming home and working or spending time by myself, but my partner had invited his mates over, I was obligated to stop whatever I was about to do and make myself available. If they had random family members drop by (which happened a lot), then I would be distracted and expected to join in. It meant I could never really plan things. Especially as they were NT and didn't tend to make specific plans with people for set times and dates, like my own family would. Seperate homes/wings would solve that!

 

[Sabrina]

As others have said, if you parted on good terms (no screaming and smashing things) and continue to be good parents to your children, then it sounds as though this was for the best. It's sometimes much harder to leave not-grat-but-not-terrible relationships compared to abusive or cheating ones, as most decent people will want to try and make things work as long as they can. If you are both happier with this new arrangement, then it is for the best. Children need supportive, loving role models as parents and it doesn't matter so much if they are living in the same house. You are teaching them how to amicably change the terms of a relationship without aggression. That's a positive lesson.

On a sort of related note, I've always quite liked the idea of having two homes next-door to eachother as a living arrangement with any partner I have (if I ever find one). Or, at least a big house with seperate rooms for each of us to treat as personal space. I know a lot of couples are happy to live in eachother's pockets, but other than it being rare, I don't see why seperate accomodation is such a bad idea. In the past, I've always found the hardest part of sharing a home is having to share any social event in the home too. If I felt like coming home and working or spending time by myself, but my partner had invited his mates over, I was obligated to stop whatever I was about to do and make myself available. If they had random family members drop by (which happened a lot), then I would be distracted and expected to join in. It meant I could never really plan things. Especially as they were NT and didn't tend to make specific plans with people for set times and dates, like my own family would. Seperate homes/wings would solve that!

Thank you for your kind answer.

We are sort-of-amicable now, but there has been a lot of screaming in both parts. In order to stop the fighting, we had to separate.

In May of this year -when everything started going faster down the hill - my husband proposed the big-house -with -a -room -for -each solution. But it’s not our case. It’s not that we love each other but can’t live together.

We don’t love each other.

The fighting started eight years ago, I’ve asked him six times to separate, he always asked for another chance, I gave it to him every time, except last time (at the beginning of September).

All the ‘honey moon’ times were always followed by a crisis, worse than the previous one. During the last big crisis (it started last April) I realized that I didn’t love him anymore. But I had realized that he didn’t love me anymore three years and a half ago (when I realized this, I embarked on a mission to make him love me again, which failed.) During May-June we went to couples’ therapy. July and August passed, and nothing changed. In September I asked him to separate.

I proposed that it would be a good idea for him to find an apartment close by, but he didn’t. I agree with you, I would have prefered to have him living nearby, but it’s his decision.

 

[Flinty]

To answer your original question:

If your husband is much like me, the answer is very much yes.

 

[wadorama]

I feel free and I think he does too (he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me anymore, and I don’t either). Do you think he feels free too? Yes, I don’t want to feel guilty, maybe that’s why I want to know.

I have driven on the opposite side of an eerily similar road (albeit not for as long). What he may feel is less freedom than relief. Years of wrestling with it and grinding it out can become like a job that you don't get paid for. Your driving example in particular struck a chord with me. I had a moment like that myself near the end. My bachelor apartment was pure sadness but I've moved on since then. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[WittyAspie]

He probably feels about the same freedom and/or relief that you do. My wife and I have both realized about how much easier it is to get along recently when we remove the pressure of the relationship. I'm glad to hear the arrangement is working out well so far.

 

[Judge]

My therapist says that I should not try to imagine what’s in his head because I will never know. But I want to know.

Sounds like good advice under the circumstances. Time to begin to "let go".