Do you understand?Over explaining

[Patrick Bushdiecker]

People say "don't over think it" because they really don't care about what I think. Or maybe they don't NEED it to be explained. I sometimes will tell someone something, and "perceive" That they don't understand, so I'll repeat it like three different ways, but maybe they understood it the first time. But I don't know or feel like they understood because maybe i didn't pick up on their nonverbal.this is something I've never even considered before hearing about autism. I'm undiagnosed remember? I think I was never aware I missed their nonverbal acknowledgement. That would be my guess. They want me to think and act like they do and that's not possible. It's also ok.

We need to practice not being so hard on ourselves. My thoughts need to be processed and expressed somehow.

If I don't fully express myself or "over explain" as it comes off, I walk away not knowing if the message was accurately received. This can be extremely frustrating and I believe there is a balance that can be achieved, I just don't know what it is yet.

 

[Rodafina]

, I walk away not knowing if the message was accurately received. This

I have such trouble with this. So often, later on, in the next interaction I learn that it was not accurately received. Wasted effort. Very frustrating.

 

[1ofakind]

People say "don't over think it" because they really don't care about what I think. Or maybe they don't NEED it to be explained. I sometimes will tell someone something, and "perceive" That they don't understand, so I'll repeat it like three different ways, but maybe they understood it the first time. But I don't know or feel like they understood because maybe i didn't pick up on their nonverbal.this is something I've never even considered before hearing about autism. I'm undiagnosed remember? I think I was never aware I missed their nonverbal acknowledgement. That would be my guess. They want me to think and act like they do and that's not possible. It's also ok.

We need to practice not being so hard on ourselves. My thoughts need to be processed and expressed somehow. If I don't fully express myself or "over explain" as it comes off, I walk away not knowing if the message was accurately received. This can be extremely frustrating and I believe there is a balance that can be achieved, I just don't know what it is yet.

I think there are probably multiple factors affecting communication struggles. For example, Temple Grandin (An autism expert with autism) talks about how individuals with autism often catagorize information differently in our minds than neurotypicals. I need to find her book to get the right wording. But this would also contribute to our frustration in ensuring the information is accurately received.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

People say "don't over think it" because they really don't care about what I think. Or maybe they don't NEED it to be explained. I sometimes will tell someone something, and "perceive" That they don't understand, so I'll repeat it like three different ways, but maybe they understood it the first time. But I don't know or feel like they understood because maybe i didn't pick up on their nonverbal.this is something I've never even considered before hearing about autism. I'm undiagnosed remember? I think I was never aware I missed their nonverbal acknowledgement. That would be my guess. They want me to think and act like they do and that's not possible. It's also ok. We need to practice not being so hard on ourselves. My thoughts need to be processed and expressed somehow. If I don't fully express myself or "over explain" as it comes off, I walk away not knowing if the message was accurately received. This can be extremely frustrating and I believe there is a balance that can be achieved, I just don't know what it is yet.

Every time I fool myself into thinking that I have it sorted out with people, I realize I don't. I deal with the public, I work with a team, I am a staff educator, I am a university educator. It is really difficult to tell sometimes if the message I was trying to convey actually was meaningful and received well. I know, for sure, sometimes I can speak above people's level professionally. When I say that, I mean I've literally had experienced physician's eyes glaze over as if I was speaking some language they didn't understand. Based upon their follow up questions, I can tell they didn't understand. However, I've also had the understanding "head nod" that they were actually ahead of me. I never know. My families that I educate, I ask them first what they think they know, then I can gauge where they are at, then I fill in with information.

The other thing that I also miscalculate, and this is probably my worst difficulty, is monologuing on a topic. Most of us on this forum have seen my posts. They're not short. However, when speaking, I can talk for hours if people let me. I have to watch my time when I am standing up in front of students. I really just have to read the people in front of me socially, because I usually start off with some sort of factual information, and as soon as I see them pull back, I just stop. If I don't, they will literally back away. I took me a long time to understand some of this. When people are socializing, they don't want "Mr. Encyclopedia" interrupting their conversations.

You're right. It is frustrating not being able to connect with people.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Every time I fool myself into thinking that I have it sorted out with people, I realize I don't. I deal with the public, I work with a team, I am a staff educator, I am a university educator. It is really difficult to tell sometimes if the message I was trying to convey actually was meaningful and received well. I know, for sure, sometimes I can speak above people's level professionally. When I say that, I mean I've literally had experienced physician's eyes glaze over as if I was speaking some language they didn't understand. Based upon their follow up questions, I can tell they didn't understand. However, I've also had the understanding "head nod" that they were actually ahead of me. I never know. My families that I educate, I ask them first what they think they know, then I can gauge where they are at, then I fill in with information.

The other thing that I also miscalculate, and this is probably my worst difficulty, is monologuing on a topic. Most of us on this forum have seen my posts. They're not short. However, when speaking, I can talk for hours if people let me. I have to watch my time when I am standing up in front of students. I really just have to read the people in front of me socially, because I usually start off with some sort of factual information, and as soon as I see them pull back, I just stop. If I don't, they will literally back away. I took me a long time to understand some of this. When people are socializing, they don't want "Mr. Encyclopedia" interrupting their conversations.

You're right. It is frustrating not being able to connect with people.

When I was still lurking on this site, your long, considered posts were one of the reasons I joined/posted. Thank you.

 

[vergil96]

I don’t have a reason to think that I miss nonverbal cues, but I often find myself explaining things to others that they later say are obvious and I didn’t need to. Apparently I also don’t explain things that others don’t find obvious. Sometimes I go on explaining if the other person doesn’t react in any way or show that they understood, because I don’t think they understood something, but they did and are like “You can stop explaining, I understood long ago”.

 

[Progster]

I over-explain too, repeat a lot or over-elaborate. I get stuck on a point, when the other person has already moved on. I do it here, too, and often edit my messages to make them more concise.

 

[tazz]

I have a similar issue. My emails always tend to be very long. I read through them multiple times and I think everything in there needs to be in there, and I've said it as concisely as I can. So that's fine. But then I've learnt that people don't read long emails. They say just give me the short version. And I'm thinking, ok, but then you won't have all the information you need. That seems to be ok with most people - they'd rather have a short email that is not very useful than a long email that has everything they need.

And then they screw something up and wonder why !

 

[Xinyta]

I know how it is. I struggle with wording myself. I end up trying to explain everything in a convoluted way after taking a period of silence after being asked something. My uncle calls it overanalyzing. It's part of something I actually talked about in a recent post I did about feeling like I have to have the right answer. Though I also have volume and tone issues where I'll talk in a fast mumble and/or in a very monotone voice. I have started hearing the monotone in my voice since I've been made aware of it. But the fast mumbling doesn't process at all. It sounds like I am talking normally in my own head.

 

[Patrick Bushdiecker]

I have a similar issue. My emails always tend to be very long. I read through them multiple times and I think everything in there needs to be in there, and I've said it as concisely as I can. So that's fine. But then I've learnt that people don't read long emails. They say just give me the short version. And I'm thinking, ok, but then you won't have all the information you need. That seems to be ok with most people - they'd rather have a short email that is not very useful than a long email that has everything they need.

And then they screw something up and wonder why !

I was once put in jail for something I did not do and I picked apart everything from the police report they gave me and statements that were written. I wrote my lawyer hundreds of pages over the span of that year showing and proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was innocent, but they would not take the time to read it. They also would not let me hear the 911 recording because I knew it contained evidence that I was innocent.They tried to get me to take a "deal" admitting to something that I did not do.I had to sit in a solitary confinement for a whole year until eventually the charges were all dropped.

 

[MildredHubble]

I tend to have this over explaining issue too. Sometimes it's because I feel like I'm not explaining it well enough. Other times it's like I'm trying to weave some explanation together that is unraveling faster than I can weave it. I feel I'm not getting any cues as to whether or not I'm being understood. So I double down.

I also think that sometimes this happens when someone has bad intentions. Like if they are trying to gaslight me into doubting something I know to be true. I tend to think that they've innocently overlooked something and try to politely point it out.

I don't think they are prepared for such an in-depth analysis of the falsehood they tried to persuade me with. So they smirk and disregard everything I say. I think that I'm not communicating very well and tie myself up in knots trying to accommodate their apparent lack of understanding. Then they get angry. Like their jedi mind trick hasn't worked and I haven't furnished them with an appropriately deferential response.