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do your family ever call you rude/insensitive?

S

Stephanie Freeland

New Member
Im 23 and got autism and my family always call me rude or mean or insensive because I dont understand when something is offencive or when a comment is inappropriate or I just have a hard time understanding peoples feelings.

Is this my autism or is this just a lack of social skills?
 
Stephanie Freeland said:
Is this my autism or is this just a lack of social skills?
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Possibly both?

My family never call me rude/insensitive but they yell at me whenever I say something that is. Unless you know somebody well you'll never be able to predict how they'll react, some people are more offended than others. I'd just say try to make a mental note of what offended them and then learn a basic pattern of what is and isn't okay to say.
 
Wonder how you can be both at the same time? Makes little sense. When people tell me these things now, I usually think about them and try to discover if what they say has any validity. Usually it doesn't, whereas in the past I would feel somehow guilty of something that I couldn't quite understand.

Since I've become more aware of who I am, what they say is less problematic for me. Often wonder exactly what they hope to accomplish in deciding who they think I am, then I realize that they don't know me at all, and that they never even tried to understand me.
 
Mia said:
Wonder how you can be both at the same time? Makes little sense.
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I meant that while people on the spectrum can have poor social skills because of it, that isn't always an excuse for being rude or insensitive, which is why I suggested she takes a mental note of what is and isn't acceptible to say. Without knowing examples of what she said, we don't know if it was a lack of social understanding caused by her AS or if she was just being rude and it was a lack of social skills through not caring.
 
Stephanie Freeland said:
Im 23 and got autism and my family always call me rude or mean or insensive because I dont understand when something is offencive or when a comment is inappropriate or I just have a hard time understanding peoples feelings.

Is this my autism or is this just a lack of social skills?
Click to expand...

Well, it certainly is a characteristic of autism to be blunt or blatantly honest, and then not understand why people think it is rude. Personally, I cannot relate to why people beat about the bush and don't just say what they mean. It would make life simpler all round.

People are so sensitive that they cannot take the honest truth. Why is the truth rude? If someone is wearing a horrible shirt and then ask me what I think of it, I will tell them it is horrible. That people expect me to be dishonest or soften what I say by skirting the issue actually says more about them than it does about me.

So, I don't know your actual examples, but you are definitely not alone - many people on the spectrum experience the same as you, but perhaps some don't have families who say they are rude, but put it another way.
 
Stephanie Freeland said:
Im 23 and got autism and my family always call me rude or mean or insensive because I dont understand when something is offencive or when a comment is inappropriate or I just have a hard time understanding peoples feelings.

Is this my autism or is this just a lack of social skills?
Click to expand...

My guess would be both autism and lack of social skills. I have the same problem though I do often wonder if it is just my lack of sensitivity or others being too sensitive.
 
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Not by family, because I don't really talk to them. And plus, my mom is literally the most insensitive person I have ever met. I call her an a-hole because it's very much appropriate. I also call myself one, just so it's fair, but I by no means ever treat people with open despiction the way she treats me. Even if I think someone is a total idiot, I would not say it to their face. In fact it is actually through interacting with my mom after adulthood and being aware that I had the too-blunt tendency as well, that I felt the need to reflect on myself and be more mindful. Tone it down. She was like a mirror or warning for what I should be vigilant that I never grow into.
 
hiraeth said:
Not by family, because I don't really talk to them. And plus, my mom is literally the most insensitive person I have ever met. I call her an a-hole because it's very much appropriate. I also call myself one, just so it's fair, but I by no means ever treat people with open despiction the way she treats me. Even if I think someone is a total idiot, I would not say it to their face. In fact it is actually through interacting with my mom after adulthood and being aware that I had the too-blunt tendency as well, that I felt the need to reflect on myself and be more mindful. Tone it down. She was like a mirror or warning for what I should be vigilant that I never grow into.
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I don't talk to my family much either, my mother and sister are both nutcases. My step sister will not allow her baby to be anywhere my mother, since she is that bad**** crazy.
 
I used to be called insensitive and tactless when I was younger as I hadn't been surrounded by that many neurotypical people so I hadn't developed my "filter" so to speak, it sometimes happens still but I can usually block it out and learn not to say or do things that neurotypical's might see as insensitive or mean. I'm a very sensitive person though so like I said for me it was/is just my lack of NT social skills.
 
Sylar said:
Possibly both?

My family never call me rude/insensitive but they yell at me whenever I say something that is. Unless you know somebody well you'll never be able to predict how they'll react, some people are more offended than others. I'd just say try to make a mental note of what offended them and then learn a basic pattern of what is and isn't okay to say.
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With strangers I tend to refrain from saying absolutely anything that could even remotely sound offensive. The problem with this is that it leaves me with a limited 'social script'. In fact, I get upset if my husband says something I think MIGHT be offensive, but get confused when the person doesn't take it offensively and has no problem with what he said. An example of this: My husband and I went to a Chinese buffet one day and he asked our waitress how to say a certain phrase in her language. I got upset because I would never ask someone that unless I knew specifically what language they speak and if they're okay with sharing that. In retrospect, it's quite harmless to express curiosity of someone's culture, and it's usually met with an appreciation for your curiosity. But I just feel anxious that they might get angry and become confrontational, which I don't handle well at all. I just feel like if I ask those 'personal' questions, it might be met with, "It's none of your business!"
 
I get told off for swearing in front of my Parents, from Dad especially, even though I sometimes jokingly tell them both to "Piss off" :D
 
Well...our inability to filter conversation to NT standards strikes me as a classic trait. Clearly some of us have varying degrees of control over such things while some have virtually none at all. It's a challenge just to work on them. Provided of course that we truly have the neurological ability to improve on them. Not all of us do. An aspect of autism many NTs don't seem to grasp.

And it sometimes confuses people when they observe us improving in one area, but not necessarily another.

I'm just grateful that my older brother seems to understand my autism. That explaining it made sense to him in terms of how he relates to me and having seen me grow up over the years.
 
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Judge said:
Well...our inability to filter conversation to NT standards strikes me as a classic trait. Clearly some of us have varying degrees of control over such things while some have virtually none at all. It's a challenge just to work on them. Provided of course that we truly have the neurological ability to improve on them. Not all of us do. An aspect of autism many NTs don't seem to grasp.

And it sometimes confuses people when they observe us improving in one area, but not necessarily another.

I'm just grateful that my older brother seems to understand my autism. That explaining it made sense to him in terms of how he relates to me and having seen my grow up over the years.
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That's wonderful
 
Yeah. My mum says "I am a selfish little girl" and often swears at me whenever I say anything "rude" to her, I moved away from her though. She still denies abusing me emotionally when I was younger, she was just making me depressed all the time and sick.
 
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