Does anyone else feel like a failure because they just can't keep their place from being a mess?

[AuroraBorealis]

Hi, this is about the thing I struggle most with and I am most ashamed about, so please don't be too harsh.

I simply can't manage to keep a place clean and tidy. When it was my room at home with my parents, it would be a constant mess until either my mom or my older sister cleaned it up for me (I know, I'm ashamed). When I lived on my own, I'd have a crying meltdown every few months because the mess surrounding me felt so awful and I couldn't focus on anything anymore, and my partner would come for a weekend and help me clean it up and tell me exactly which things I should clean up. That worked fairly well, then. And now, since I live with my partner, it's both better (because we ended up splitting the cleaning chores and I sort of manage to keep up at least with a few of them, and also because he just throws things out if they're broken/old without emotional attachment) and worse, because the place is bigger and we have way more stuff together. An addition to the problem is that I struggle with throwing things away and am more attached to personal belongings than I should be.

It's partly a motivational issue, that I just don't want to do it, but mostly it's really an... I-don't-know-issue, to be honest. I have no idea why it's so hard for me. It's like a mixture of:
- forgetting things, especially if I don't see them (out of sight, out of mind, that's also why for example the inside of cupboards or the fridge are really bad)
- getting too focused on the details (like, spending an hour sorting out one bathroom cupboard while I should really just be cleaning the room and the toilet)
- getting distracted by a thought or something I find way more interesting at the moment and hyperfixating on that (like, an internet thread...) while, of course, the cleaning doesn't get done
- not knowing where to start
- forgetting/lacking the time memory to remember when I need to clean something again, if the times in between are too long (for example, I manage fairly well to clean the cat's toilet, since I do that every 2-3 days, so my brain can keep up, but I completely forget about cleaning the bathroom since the last time was 2 weeks ago - I'll remember another 2 weeks later when it's already a mess again)

To-do-lists really don't work so well for me. They work quite well for academic/written things, like filling out this document or writing this email or paying this bill. But for practical things, I seem to be incompetent. They just become these daunting lists of things I copy down every week but never do, and keep reminding me of how much I haven't done yet.

I feel so ashamed for it. I have been called lazy many times by my family, who just don't understand what my problem is. My partner understands, but obviously it's not nice for him to have to constantly remind me to do my chores, or just doing them himself, since he also wants to relax. I honestly feel like crying each time my partner or his mom (who's visiting right now) clean something because I feel like I should be doing that, but no, for some reason I'm inable to act like a responsible adult and keep my life together. I've recently been diagnosed with autism and I do recognize some ADHD traits in me as well, though I don't know if those are also just a part of the autism, or something else. I've been struggling with this issue my whole life, although it does get worse if I'm stressed or overstimulated. In phases where I'm feeling good overall, I can manage to fixate from time to time on cleaning one specific thing (like my wardrobe or my desk) and can be at it for several hours. This isn't enough to keep a regular cleaning schedule, but it's something at least. But right now, I don't even manage that and I'm so ashamed for it.

Does anyone relate? Do you have any advice (that really works for you)?

 

[Tom]

First don't think this is rare. A lot of people struggle with similar issues though the reasons will vary.

Second it sounds somewhat like my own situation. I always felt my wife was different and that was part of the attraction but until recently always thought of her as a very gregarious and social NT (Me ASD). Now we are coming to believe she has a significant ADHD component. She's actually doing better the last few years so don't give up hope for change. But it's not a quick fix kind of thing I think, nor can it be helped much externally. Things took a step for the better when I came to conclusion it was just the way it was and worked around it. It seemed more like a slow shift over time and some change within her.

 

[kriss72]

Sounds like my life, I have never been able to keep a clean place. When I was a kid I really didn't like it when someone else cleaned my room, as my mother did at times... and it is still the same, it's like, I know where things are, if anyone touches them I no longer know where they are - Sometime after getting married my spouse gave up on trying to keep our home clean as I couldn't really be of much help - now its a mess and it is my responsibility, every vertical surface seems to attract stuff here

The people helping me tell me its due to lack of executive functioning, a trait of both me being autistic and my ADHD. My social worker is trying to help me by giving me small task for cleaning that are time-limited, like I currently have a 20 min task to clean the surface of our dinning table, I just need to fill 3 boxes, one for garbage, one for recycling and one for "keepers" - if I don't finish in 20 min, but try for 20 min, then it is a success, if I finish in less it is also a success - then she will give me the next step next time I meet her.

 

[Outdated]

I have the same issue - except I don't really feel all that much shame about it. A little bit of shame and embarrassment but nothing I can't cope with. The other week I even bought myself a new scrubbing brush and a squeegie thing for the windows determined that I was going to find the motivation to get a few things done, but I still haven't even put any of that shopping away yet.

The strange part for me, up until I was in my 30s I was immaculately clean and tidy, as OCD as my sister about it. In hindsight I think that change in my life was a signal that I was approaching burnout. These days the only thing that motivates me to do a proper clean is when it's time for my yearly inspection, I'm only renting. Strangely, the rental manager lady always tells me that it's a pleasure to visit my place because it's always so clean.

 

[zaphod]

100% me. Except I throw stuff out if I don't need them. What makes it weird is that I actually don't mind cleaning.

I think there's basically 3 main reasons why I'm messy. Is it the same for everyone?

1. I don't notice. I literally don't see that something is out of place unless it's right in my face. I'll pour cereal into the bowl, pour milk in the bowl and grab a spoon. Usually but not always the milk goes back in the fridge... because the last thing I was focused on was the spoon. And then I'll walk right by the cereal box and I won't even see it (Mmmmm Cinnamon Toast Crunch!)

2. I value efficiency (to the extreme). "Dirty dishes can wait in the sink until I have enough to run the dishwasher. If I wait, I can organize them properly when it's time". "That cereal box is coming out again in 12 hours, may as well just leave it"

3. I doesn't bother me... at least not as much as others. I prefer a tidy, organized room but honestly I could care less if I step on the clothes I was wearing yesterday when I get out of bed in the morning. It means less than nothing to me... and it's hard for me to remember how much something like that might bother someone else (and relate to it).

Definitely feel shame over this

 

[Jumpinbare]

It's a thing, but I don't fret over it. I do make a point of not leaving food or dirty dishes around to attract bugs

 

[FoxLovinPat]

Well this has certainly been a very validating thread.
But yeah I tend not to clean as often as I probably should and I've felt bad about it before and felt like I was being lazy.
It's off and on though, like I can do a little while without it bothering me and then out of nowhere I'll feel awful about it and feel like I'm being lazy because I don't clean as much as I reasonably should.

I'm not sure why I'm not the best at keeping up with cleaning, I dunno if it's a common thing for people on the spectrum perhaps it is given the responses here. Though I know in my case I also didn't exactly have the best role models for cleanliness in my parents. My mom didn't really keep up on the housework much to my father's annoyance, but he'd never step in to help out expecting her to do it and getting on her case because she wasn't. I've wondered if she has some sorta undiagnosed ADHD or something, I mean one of her sisters was diagnosed with it but who knows really?
I was ofc told by my parents, mainly my father, to clean my room every now and again and I'd typically do so but outside of the times it was pretty much ordered of me I just wouldn't really clean as much as I probably should've.

 

[Kalinychta]

It sounds like ADHD to me. My sister is the exact same way (she probably has ADHD but has never been diagnosed). You should check online for tips for people with ADHD on how to manage chores. My nephew also has ADHD, and he has a lot of tips and tricks that he uses, and they’re really helpful.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I struggled with this for a long time (I actually posted a very embarrassing picture on here recently showing just how bad it had gotten). There were a lot of reasons behind mine, though, and once I became willing to work through those glaringly obvious issues (I talk about these often, no need to rehash them here), I had a much clearer picture of what to do.

It was easy for me to blame ADHD at the time, but I've learned that I can overcome anything if I make it my life's goal for a while. It felt like moving a mountain back then but now I realize it's just part of life, and I had to grow up. The best part about stuff like this, for me, is that it absolutely obliterates idle depression and creeping feelings of anxiety. In my case, cleaning is real-life therapy or a banishing spell on those 'demons'.

Obviously, everyone's issues are different, and that's why I can only speak from my own point of view. Also, I don't believe anyone struggling with these issues are 'failures' at all, but probably just stuck somewhere in their life. Not being able to clean the house can be a very real reflection into what's going on inside as well.

 

[Fino]

My place has been a mess all my life, and I've never cared.

 

[Neri]

I've spent too much time feeling a failure about it, and I've decided that, that is just being mean to myself and goes against my moral code.

So now, I realise that I just need help and there is no shame in that. There is no shame in needing help. Would you shame someone else who needed help? Probably not, you sound like a compassionate person. But it's amazing how hard we can be on ourselves; that we would never treat others as bad as we do ourselves.
So I resolve NO. I'm gonna get help for my poor untreated ADHD brain and help for my poor monotropic autistic brain, and my traumatic life experience injured brain and NOT feel shame that keeping house is too much for it, without help.
I can't help my neuro issues. It's a disability for a reason. I was born having these brain issues and then the load of what was then piled on top was such that it broke my brain more. But in plenty of ways I'm still an amazing human and I'm kind to others so why not be kind to myself?

 

[Suzanne]

I have always needed a clean environment, in order to function and have a clear head, however, as a child, I was surrounded by filth and thus, never learned how to clean and then, got married and for some years, would make up excuses to not clean the house and OFTEN, would come down stairs in the night to actually clean the kitchen, because my conscious was attacking me.

My husband is not as kind as yours, and would often dogmatically say: put necessary things first and then, if there is time, do what you want.

Didn't help that I was on anti depressants ( caused depression) and thus, was asleep more than awake and very unmotivated.

It is not easy for my home to be kept clean, because my husband is untidy and a gardener and we have a dog and cat, but as long as I have order in my mind, I know see it as a routine.

I, thankfully, am able to mentally pause on a pleasure persuit and do what needs to be done and sigh a contented relief afterwards.

What about setting a timer, for when you are cleaning, but get waylaid with doing with one thing? That timer can alert you to stop and do the next thing.


Also, concentrate on cleaning one room at a time, even if you have to spend a long time in it.

The fact you are ashamed, should mean that you are willing to take action, to make your husband and your life a little easier.

Even though your parents meant well, parents should never do what their off spring should be doing, because that gives out the wrong lessons.

 

[SusanLR]

If I can keep my room and bathroom clean, I'm doing pretty well.
I must admit my computer/office room is always a clutter.
I try to at least keep the kitchen clean. Food stuff is not sanitary if not cleaned up.
Same with dishes and the fridge.

I like things in order, but unfortunately the house I rent part of belongs to an older man who could care less how things look. TV and lounging around all day is his thing. He has health problems, so some of it I can understand.
But he was the same even when he didn't.

I try to think it is his area so let him do what he wants.
Sometimes it's too much and I'll do something to clean it a bit.
He hoards things in the garage and, well, I won't even venture into his side of the house. (bedroom, bathroom)

Neither of us have friends over thankfully.
The gardeners keep the outside looking nice at least.

It's easy to let things get out of hand though in my areas if I'm not careful.
Not enough time is a main excuse.
Motivation is another.
I have a lot of potted plants in the pool area, so that is a motivation for me.
I like working with the plants.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Thank you for all your replies. Yes, I'm sorry, I realize I was very unkind to myself in the post. That's basically what happens in my head when I get overwhelmed and frustrated with myself, and I kind of wrote it all down without much of a filter. I can get very mean to myself. It's a shame, I am extremely understanding and affirming with others, but get very hard on myself. I'm sorry if anyone took it personal.

It sounds like ADHD to me. My sister is the exact same way (she probably has ADHD but has never been diagnosed). You should check online for tips for people with ADHD on how to manage chores. My nephew also has ADHD, and he has a lot of tips and tricks that he uses, and they’re really helpful.

Does it really? I feel stupid asking this, since in theory I know how ADHD is defined. But I never genuinely considered it for myself. I know, in the end it shouldn't make that much of a difference. But somehow, knowing that there might be a reason for this other than simply not managing sort of lessens the shame. My sister is absolutely meticulous about her apartment, even a bit obsessive at times, and very minimalistic. Basically the opposite to me. And I always got compared to her in that way (and also compare myself).

I have the same issue - except I don't really feel all that much shame about it. A little bit of shame and embarrassment but nothing I can't cope with. The other week I even bought myself a new scrubbing brush and a squeegie thing for the windows determined that I was going to find the motivation to get a few things done, but I still haven't even put any of that shopping away yet.

The strange part for me, up until I was in my 30s I was immaculately clean and tidy, as OCD as my sister about it. In hindsight I think that change in my life was a signal that I was approaching burnout. These days the only thing that motivates me to do a proper clean is when it's time for my yearly inspection, I'm only renting. Strangely, the rental manager lady always tells me that it's a pleasure to visit my place because it's always so clean.

Yeah, I also think I experienced some sort of burnout during the last few years. It used to be less bad than it is right now.

 

[Mary Terry]

I hate housework and cleaning. I particularly hate the vacuum cleaner. We had a cleaning woman come in once a week to do the heavy cleaning until the Covid pandemic hit in March 2020. Since then, we have been doing the cleaning ourselves but I'm getting closer to hiring another house cleaner.

Husband and I negotiated which tasks each of us would do. He does all the vacuuming; I clean the bathrooms; I cook the food, he washes the dishes, I wash all the laundry, he helps me fold the clean laundry and put it where it belongs, etc. It's not perfect but it works okay for us.

 

[Progster]

Yeah, I can totally relate to this, too. It has to get really bad before I feel motivated to do anything about it. And the longer I leave it, the worse it becomes.

 

[Shamar]

Hi, this is about the thing I struggle most with and I am most ashamed about, so please don't be too harsh.

I simply can't manage to keep a place clean and tidy. When it was my room at home with my parents, it would be a constant mess until either my mom or my older sister cleaned it up for me (I know, I'm ashamed). When I lived on my own, I'd have a crying meltdown every few months because the mess surrounding me felt so awful and I couldn't focus on anything anymore, and my partner would come for a weekend and help me clean it up and tell me exactly which things I should clean up. That worked fairly well, then. And now, since I live with my partner, it's both better (because we ended up splitting the cleaning chores and I sort of manage to keep up at least with a few of them, and also because he just throws things out if they're broken/old without emotional attachment) and worse, because the place is bigger and we have way more stuff together. An addition to the problem is that I struggle with throwing things away and am more attached to personal belongings than I should be.

It's partly a motivational issue, that I just don't want to do it, but mostly it's really an... I-don't-know-issue, to be honest. I have no idea why it's so hard for me. It's like a mixture of:
- forgetting things, especially if I don't see them (out of sight, out of mind, that's also why for example the inside of cupboards or the fridge are really bad)
- getting too focused on the details (like, spending an hour sorting out one bathroom cupboard while I should really just be cleaning the room and the toilet)
- getting distracted by a thought or something I find way more interesting at the moment and hyperfixating on that (like, an internet thread...) while, of course, the cleaning doesn't get done
- not knowing where to start
- forgetting/lacking the time memory to remember when I need to clean something again, if the times in between are too long (for example, I manage fairly well to clean the cat's toilet, since I do that every 2-3 days, so my brain can keep up, but I completely forget about cleaning the bathroom since the last time was 2 weeks ago - I'll remember another 2 weeks later when it's already a mess again)

To-do-lists really don't work so well for me. They work quite well for academic/written things, like filling out this document or writing this email or paying this bill. But for practical things, I seem to be incompetent. They just become these daunting lists of things I copy down every week but never do, and keep reminding me of how much I haven't done yet.

I feel so ashamed for it. I have been called lazy many times by my family, who just don't understand what my problem is. My partner understands, but obviously it's not nice for him to have to constantly remind me to do my chores, or just doing them himself, since he also wants to relax. I honestly feel like crying each time my partner or his mom (who's visiting right now) clean something because I feel like I should be doing that, but no, for some reason I'm inable to act like a responsible adult and keep my life together. I've recently been diagnosed with autism and I do recognize some ADHD traits in me as well, though I don't know if those are also just a part of the autism, or something else. I've been struggling with this issue my whole life, although it does get worse if I'm stressed or overstimulated. In phases where I'm feeling good overall, I can manage to fixate from time to time on cleaning one specific thing (like my wardrobe or my desk) and can be at it for several hours. This isn't enough to keep a regular cleaning schedule, but it's something at least. But right now, I don't even manage that and I'm so ashamed for it.

Does anyone relate? Do you have any advice (that really works for you)?

Not only do I have to keep track of things by location in the house, my place is such a mess that I also have to think (as a geologist) in terms of strata.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Hi, this is about the thing I struggle most with and I am most ashamed about, so please don't be too harsh.

I simply can't manage to keep a place clean and tidy. When it was my room at home with my parents, it would be a constant mess until either my mom or my older sister cleaned it up for me (I know, I'm ashamed). When I lived on my own, I'd have a crying meltdown every few months because the mess surrounding me felt so awful and I couldn't focus on anything anymore, and my partner would come for a weekend and help me clean it up and tell me exactly which things I should clean up. That worked fairly well, then. And now, since I live with my partner, it's both better (because we ended up splitting the cleaning chores and I sort of manage to keep up at least with a few of them, and also because he just throws things out if they're broken/old without emotional attachment) and worse, because the place is bigger and we have way more stuff together. An addition to the problem is that I struggle with throwing things away and am more attached to personal belongings than I should be.

It's partly a motivational issue, that I just don't want to do it, but mostly it's really an... I-don't-know-issue, to be honest. I have no idea why it's so hard for me. It's like a mixture of:
- forgetting things, especially if I don't see them (out of sight, out of mind, that's also why for example the inside of cupboards or the fridge are really bad)
- getting too focused on the details (like, spending an hour sorting out one bathroom cupboard while I should really just be cleaning the room and the toilet)
- getting distracted by a thought or something I find way more interesting at the moment and hyperfixating on that (like, an internet thread...) while, of course, the cleaning doesn't get done
- not knowing where to start
- forgetting/lacking the time memory to remember when I need to clean something again, if the times in between are too long (for example, I manage fairly well to clean the cat's toilet, since I do that every 2-3 days, so my brain can keep up, but I completely forget about cleaning the bathroom since the last time was 2 weeks ago - I'll remember another 2 weeks later when it's already a mess again)

To-do-lists really don't work so well for me. They work quite well for academic/written things, like filling out this document or writing this email or paying this bill. But for practical things, I seem to be incompetent. They just become these daunting lists of things I copy down every week but never do, and keep reminding me of how much I haven't done yet.

I feel so ashamed for it. I have been called lazy many times by my family, who just don't understand what my problem is. My partner understands, but obviously it's not nice for him to have to constantly remind me to do my chores, or just doing them himself, since he also wants to relax. I honestly feel like crying each time my partner or his mom (who's visiting right now) clean something because I feel like I should be doing that, but no, for some reason I'm inable to act like a responsible adult and keep my life together. I've recently been diagnosed with autism and I do recognize some ADHD traits in me as well, though I don't know if those are also just a part of the autism, or something else. I've been struggling with this issue my whole life, although it does get worse if I'm stressed or overstimulated. In phases where I'm feeling good overall, I can manage to fixate from time to time on cleaning one specific thing (like my wardrobe or my desk) and can be at it for several hours. This isn't enough to keep a regular cleaning schedule, but it's something at least. But right now, I don't even manage that and I'm so ashamed for it.

Does anyone relate? Do you have any advice (that really works for you)?

It is ok, a lot of autistic people probably struggle with daily living.
It is ok to struggle or have bad days.
Me I'm the opposite where I like housekeeping and can be very organised but I think it is hard to do both dishes and cooking I can do both to a degree.
I think i am ok at housekeeping being a woman.
But it is a huge grind each day and good to have a functional system.
Depression may make it worse for an autistic too
I do write lists often