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Does anyone else get confused with basic questions, or over-explain your answer?

autism-and-autotune

autism-and-autotune

A musical mind with recent revelations
It's confusing because it's all in interpretation, and I get so...frustrated with myself. Is it a communication thing?

For example, my fiancee was recently talking to me about a certain TikTok where a girl was saying that her sensory-overload aisle in the grocery store was the spice aisle. "How do you feel about that?" my fiancee asked. Here is where the issue starts: I don't know how I feel about something until I've experienced it; I can explain what I think of something (this was one of the first frustrations in our relationship from a communication/question perspective, because I cannot relate to imaginary feelings about situations). But the other part was that to me, it seemed like there was more than one question. Maybe I'm just not writing it out correctly as it happened, but bear with me.

I forget what the specific words my fiancee used to form the question, but my answer was something along the lines of, "I can understand how it may be overwhelming but I cannot relate to if it may cause sensory overload." My fiancee got a bit frustrated. "That's not what I'm asking," they said. It's...it's like sometimes people will ask a question and use the wrong words, making us decipher what they really meant by using the wrong words? How can the common language we both speak need translation between the two of us? My brain...

I'm not writing to bash my fiancee--just vent a little bit. I got frustrated too and said that sometimes with some questions I will hear it as two separate questions, or maybe I cannot answer the given question because the words don't sound like anything I can relate to, so my answer may be longer-winded than what they hoped for. It would be much more helpful if there were a few relevant questions added after, to which I can add a more in-depth answer.

Also as an unrelated side-note I feel like I messed up during a job interview because the interviewer began the interview with a statement, and not a question: "Tell me a bit more about yourself." What? We just met and settled in the interview room, and I sat there for a few seconds like a mannequin. "I--I'm sorry?" I said. "I didn't realize it was a question." Because it wasn't a question. One struggle I've noticed lately with my autism is that it takes me a very long time to cobble together an answer and have a conversation because I'll pause to keep collecting my thoughts and have them come out right.

It's not been a fun time lately. :/
 
One thing that is very common these days is that people use the word "feel" instead of "think". For example, two people disagree about something and then one of them says "I feel that you are wrong". We think that people are wrong, we don't feel it. I think it has become more common. Or maybe I feel it has become more common. The way I remember it people didn't use the word "feel" as much before. I heard someone on tv say "I feel like I wasn't going that fast" when they got pulled over by the police for speeding. I wonder how this "feel"-thing started, why people use it so much now.
 
I get really hung up on the most basic questions. Sometimes, it’s as described above where I am put on the spot to answer some kind of big question where the choice of language is odd. As ForesrCat pointed out feeling vs. thinking.

I also get really confused with the most basic questions when people surprise me with them. I think I realized it’s because I usually have so much going on in my mind, for example when I’m leaving for work, and if someone asks me a question as I am getting ready to leave, I get really thrown off. In my head I’m thinking I’m sorry I cannot adjust my entire train of thought right now, move it to a different track, and process all the ramifications of what you’re asking me. Never mind getting my brain to the answer.

I should tell my family that all questions must be submitted in writing for sufficient processing time.

Some of the toughest questions for me are:
How are you?
Are you OK?

Or the worstare when the answer is assumed in the question…
Nice day, isn’t it?
You must be tired, huh?
 
@autism-and-autotune

You're being caught both by differences in NT/ND communication and differences in M/F communication.

You can learn to deal with this if you want.

If you don't work on it, it will never stop, so my suggestion is to get started immediately.
 
Hypnalis said:
You're being caught both by differences in NT/ND communication and differences in M/F communication.

You can learn to deal with this if you want.

If you don't work on it, it will never stop, so my suggestion is to get started immediately.
Click to expand...
I appreciate the feedback... it's been a long learning curve for me since our relationship began, but sometimes it feels like more of a struggle now that I know I have autism,if that makes sense. We're both working together on it but some days are easier than others.
 
Forest Cat said:
One thing that is very common these days is that people use the word "feel" instead of "think". For example, two people disagree about something and then one of them says "I feel that you are wrong". We think that people are wrong, we don't feel it. I think it has become more common. Or maybe I feel it has become more common. The way I remember it people didn't use the word "feel" as much before. I heard someone on tv say "I feel like I wasn't going that fast" when they got pulled over by the police for speeding. I wonder how this "feel"-thing started, why people use it so much now.
Click to expand...
I think it's become more common as well. It's...really frustrating at times. Am I being more rational and less sympathetic/empathetic by stating 'I think' in situations?
 
Rodafina said:
I get really hung up on the most basic questions. Sometimes, it’s as described above where I am put on the spot to answer some kind of big question where the choice of language is odd. As ForesrCat pointed out feeling vs. thinking.

I also get really confused with the most basic questions when people surprise me with them. I think I realized it’s because I usually have so much going on in my mind, for example when I’m leaving for work, and if someone asks me a question as I am getting ready to leave, I get really thrown off. In my head I’m thinking I’m sorry I cannot adjust my entire train of thought right now, move it to a different track, and process all the ramifications of what you’re asking me. Never mind getting my brain to the answer.

I should tell my family that all questions must be submitted in writing for sufficient processing time.

Some of the toughest questions for me are:
How are you?
Are you OK?

Or the worstare when the answer is assumed in the question…
Nice day, isn’t it?
You must be tired, huh?
Click to expand...
Ah, yes! I find myself mirrored in your words, especially when you state that there's a lot going on in your mind at the time. I also suffer a lot with short-term memory (for example: "How was the grocery store?" "I don't remember" despite it being an hour ago. Too much to process.)

All those questions which you list below, too, are my bane.
 
Opening with "I feel" is a sign that the person is initiating a sales pitch. They're about to make something up to suit their argument. Just listen for the counter-factual content.

Then take a breath & count to 3 or 4.

Then decide how to handle it

If you must, you can address the fantasy part or deflect the discussion, but only do this if it definitely benefits you.
If it's just a stranger, disengage immediately. Also politely of course, but don't waste time or energy on them.
 
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Being asked "What do you feel about" is an M/F thing, but it's a bit tougher when it's ND-M/NT-F.

Don't answer immediately. One breath, no need to count.

Then reframe the question so it makes sense in context.

For example, your GF is just asking an open question. You re-frame "how was the grocery store?" as "did anything interesting or noteworthy happen while you were out shopping?".

Imagine you'd practiced your communications skills at the grocery store by trying to make the cashier's day a little better, and you got a genuine smile. If nothing else interesting happened, you could describe that (i.e. as a small success while improving your communication skills).

If nothing happened, start a completely different conversion - you don't have to react literally to a "conversation-opening open question".

When in doubt, offer to make coffee/tea :)
 
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Forest Cat said:
One thing that is very common these days is that people use the word "feel" instead of "think". For example, two people disagree about something and then one of them says "I feel that you are wrong". We think that people are wrong, we don't feel it. I think it has become more common. Or maybe I feel it has become more common. The way I remember it people didn't use the word "feel" as much before. I heard someone on tv say "I feel like I wasn't going that fast" when they got pulled over by the police for speeding. I wonder how this "feel"-thing started, why people use it so much now.
Click to expand...
I feel that I may be guilty of this on occasion, and I think I will be much more aware of it in the future.
 
Forest Cat said:
One thing that is very common these days is that people use the word "feel" instead of "think". For example, two people disagree about something and then one of them says "I feel that you are wrong". We think that people are wrong, we don't feel it. I think it has become more common. Or maybe I feel it has become more common. The way I remember it people didn't use the word "feel" as much before. I heard someone on tv say "I feel like I wasn't going that fast" when they got pulled over by the police for speeding. I wonder how this "feel"-thing started, why people use it so much now.
Click to expand...

I wonder if this is partly culture and/or partly due to what life is like for certain people. I'm in my late 30s and people have used "feel" this way for as long as I can remember.

Speaking for myself, I do feel when someone is dishonest; if I'm being dishonest with myself; if something is illogical; etc. There isn't just a thought, but a sensation in my body. So I would say, "I feel he isn't being entirely honest."

I think it's also a way of just saying, "Here's my perspective. I know I don't have all the information." An acknowledgement of a gut feeling, I guess.
 
Forest Cat said:
Now I feel like I don't know what to think about this anymore. ;)
Maybe "I feel" is right? Maybe I'm just overfeeling this... :D
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