Does anyone feel bad when no one calls/texts you to start a conversation?

[Jacki Cucinotta]

Been feeling pretty upset lately that I try my very hardest to keep in contact with my friends, but very few of them ever seem to bother to ask "Hey what's up? Want to hang out sometime?" It's almost like they expect me to always initiate a conversation or get in touch with them, but yet they never think to call me even when they have my number. You see, there are many people from high school and college I want to stay in touch with, so I created this group on Facebook four months ago asking the people I invited to join to leave their numbers on the group page or to message me their numbers...only like 10 or so out of about 600 people I want to stay in contact with even responded. Ever since then, even fewer of those friends who did leave their numbers ever called or texted me even once!!!!!!!! I feel like it's as if I have to do ALL the work in keeping a social relationship. And then there's this ever increasing feeling that I might be too clingy or annoying because so many people don't even talk to me by any means, so I am afraid to even start a conversation even with my closest friends feeling that I might be a bother to them.

I know this also might be a superficial side note, but I also feel extremely bummed out when I get unfriended on Facebook by anyone because it's almost like they want nothing to do with me whatsoever. It really hurts because I do nothing but try hard to communicate with all those I know but yet that is never good enough! I honestly just want to cry about it sometimes to be honest, especially if I'm unfriended by someone who I thought was a true blue friend for life :{

Does anyone else feel the same way about these things as I do? Are these feelings normal? Do any of you feel that many people hold negative feelings about you even if you think some of them are your best friends?

 

[Judge]

Does anyone else feel the same way about these things as I do? Are these feelings normal? Do any of you feel that many people hold negative feelings about you even if you think some of them are your best friends?

I just figure those who choose to remain in my orbit must be willing to put up with my AS and those who don't didn't stick around.

I know at times that I aggravate those closest to me. I work on it, although some of it does give me bitter feelings at times. Like not being able to discuss something important or passionate to me. Those specific subjects are "off limits" and they have literally told me as such. The whole notion of having to control what I say is very fatiguing to me at times.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I have definitely felt the same way.
Remember though, you don't know everyone's motives. Don't always interpret it as rejection. Even if someone genuinely doesn;t want to cultivate a friendship, in many cases this is because they are very busy, have lots of people already, maybe have a lot of stress you don't know about, and don't have it in them to add someone else; sometimes it's that, rather than the person disliking you.

Now, if you are trying to keep in touch with people you used to know...a sad sad pattern is that most NTs "move on". They have a new life in a new place, and their minds are filled with that. I think many of us Aspies remember and hold onto things. Including past friendships. Part of the difference is because NTs are so good at forming new friendships that, even though they might still genuinely care about the old friend, they don't need the old friend. But us Aspies not only care about but still need that old friend.
Most of those people probably don't realize how much it means to you to stay in touch, or how much it would mean if they initiated something. Even if you told them, they still wouldn't get it. And they might be genuinely well-intentioned, but just not get it.
This is why some of us Aspies who started out sociable became reclusive loners who avoid people on purpose.



And there are others who don't initiate because they just have the usual style of not initiating things.
It's okay to initiate; as long as the other person is willing to go along with the things you initiate, that's okay.

I had to initiate over and over again with my best friend. Eventually, he realized that he really did want me to be close to him. He still expects me to call him but he clearly loves answering those calls and talking/listening to me. (I think part of his reason for not being more active is that he is afraid of feeling too much attraction :redface: )

 

[Sparticus]

Jacki I'm so sad this is happening to such a talented, caring wonderful person like you :-( I knew the feeling especially on facebook. Ok so when I first joined I was popular. But I was posting A LOT, putting time into it, reconnecting with & going to 3 mini high school reunions + I was trying to see if I could use Facebook to make money {I know, I get crazy ideas sometimes.} Bottomline when I slowed down my posting, got bored & went to a dating website, people stopped talking to me on fb.

That hit me in the gut-even one of my brothers best friends wouldn't say hello after 6 months! Wth? Ok so I got into politics on facebook with divorced fathers & had a disagreement with a woman from my hometown [she thought she could censure my facebook.] That didnt' help my popularity much. Bottomline it's a website where the more time you put into it the more you can get out.
A lot of people either have or pretend to have a great life.

If you can offer them something, be a possible contact for a job, you have money etc they contact you. I was feeling very upset after I had stopped posting there and found out "hey...where'd everyone go?" I could start it up again, have been thinking of it & dabbling on it...I have to say goodbye to someone who is dying...there's some people I like there. I will restart it.

As for recruiting members & only getting 10, that's right up my alley. Done a lot of website recruitment & it's frustrating that you have to do a lot of work to get a few members. With that type of project you can never give up. Be flexible yes, example-if the group doesn't work out, starting a short newsletter for high school acquaintainces & doing a mass mailing might work [example only.] All depends how important this project is to you. Some people just go to their high school fb page & post there.

I haven't reconnected with many people from college so don't have experience in that. Sounds like you did all the right things but got a low response rate. When I did fund raising we were taught that our direct mailings got 1-2% response rates and higher if we targeted the mailing [which is what you did.] But I'd think you would get a much higher response rate of at least 50-60 people. Hmmm....can you step back and re-examine your strategy? I'm sad to have experienced on fb and offline how so many people move forward.

If you are not in their immediate family/friends circle, you can get iced out. Wish I had better tips as I feel the same way you do. But currently I am going thru the same thing wondering if fb is worth it anymore.

Been feeling pretty upset lately that I try my very hardest to keep in contact with my friends, but very few of them ever seem to bother to ask "Hey what's up? Want to hang out sometime?" It's almost like they expect me to always initiate a conversation or get in touch with them, but yet they never think to call me even when they have my number. You see, there are many people from high school and college I want to stay in touch with, so I created this group on Facebook four months ago asking the people I invited to join to leave their numbers on the group page or to message me their numbers...only like 10 or so out of about 600 people I want to stay in contact with even responded. Ever since then, even fewer of those friends who did leave their numbers ever called or texted me even once!!!!!!!! I feel like it's as if I have to do ALL the work in keeping a social relationship. And then there's this ever increasing feeling that I might be too clingy or annoying because so many people don't even talk to me by any means, so I am afraid to even start a conversation even with my closest friends feeling that I might be a bother to them.

I know this also might be a superficial side note, but I also feel extremely bummed out when I get unfriended on Facebook by anyone because it's almost like they want nothing to do with me whatsoever. It really hurts because I do nothing but try hard to communicate with all those I know but yet that is never good enough! I honestly just want to cry about it sometimes to be honest, especially if I'm unfriended by someone who I thought was a true blue friend for life :{

Does anyone else feel the same way about these things as I do? Are these feelings normal? Do any of you feel that many people hold negative feelings about you even if you think some of them are your best friends?

 

[Hadassah]

I know this also might be a superficial side note, but I also feel extremely bummed out when I get unfriended on Facebook by anyone because it's almost like they want nothing to do with me whatsoever. It really hurts because I do nothing but try hard to communicate with all those I know but yet that is never good enough! I honestly just want to cry about it sometimes to be honest, especially if I'm unfriended by someone who I thought was a true blue friend for life :{

This is the reason, why I left Facebook! It hurt that someone would unfriend me, since I felt I did nothing to them. I'd would get me depressed for weeks (being so sensitive as I am). Also being courteous myself, _I_ didn't want to offend anyone by "unfriending" them, so I just left myself

 

[King_Oni]

Maybe I'm slightly more pessimistic about it all, but in general I don't expect people to like me, that way I don't have to expect anyone to contact me. I've found it to be a waste of time to "wait" for people to contact me. I rather move on with my life and not be dragged down.

It doesn't mean I dislike it when people text/call me to talk or hang out. I'm just not waiting on it.

As for the unfriending thing on facebook. Well, I do notice it when people unfriend me but I guess there's good reasons for them to unfriend me then. But in all honesty, I've done the same to other people. I rather have a select few people on facebook who actually add something to my life, rather than people with whom I feel no connection on a variety of levels. And befriending me because we once talked at a club is not really an addition to me. There has to be more common ground. Perhaps I'm the person who is like "if you want to befriend me, you should have to offer me something"... but it goes both ways. And I've talked to a few people who feel the same way about social networks.

Maybe that's why some people unfriend me as well. So in that sense, maybe it's in fact where you didn't do something to them, that actually is the problem. People most likely want you to offer them something and by "not doing something" you're not offering a lot. The thought that it's exhausting occurs to me every now and then, but I don't value these virtual friendships that much I guess. Every once in a while I'll share my thoughts on facebook, and if people are fine with that and decide to stick around and/or comment on it, fine. If they're not, they can leave. Fine as well. Besides; isn't this form of self-promotion what it's all about nowadays? Clearly it works for artists. So in that regard I'm under the impression that such self-promotion might be in order to maintain and make friends on social media nowadays. A while ago I was listening to a podcast where they discussed Twitter. They pretty much pointed out (and I agree with it totally); "if you're going to use twitter and want followers, make it worthwhile for them to follow you." It annoys me to no end when people post irrelevant crap on social media (like what they had for dinner; and nothing but just these things) but are disappointed when they only have a few followers/friends.

But overal, the notion of "friendship" and the value thereof in social media makes me think a lot and how we deal with it. Apparently some people get more emotional if someone unfriends them. I guess that's the internet for you as well. You can unfriend someone, cut someone out of your social life, and not even have to go face to face to tell someone "I don't want to see you anymore". I mean, people can change their relationship status to single and not speak to eachother again. Does it pose a mystery to why someone acted like that? Most likely... but it's kinda commonplace online, where social media aren't that social anymore in terms of having some form of obligations to explain your actions.

 

[Judge]

I suppose it could be worse. Anyone here been a victim of "catfishing"? Where an online relationship ensues, where one or both parties are being profoundly dishonest to one another in some (or many) ways. Happened to me many years ago...of a friendship that blossomed over a five year period. She simply lost interest in me...as if she went over a cliff.

Usually once a year my curiosity would get the best of me and I'd start doing a little detective work to see if I could track her down on social media sites. Always wanted to know what happened to her, make sure she was ok. Eventually I found out. She had gotten married more than a year before she started to break off contact with me. County marriage license records and all. I'd be a liar if I said it didn't hurt after all these years.

 

[King_Oni]

I suppose it could be worse. Anyone here been a victim of "catfishing"? Where an online relationship ensues, where one or both parties are being profoundly dishonest to one another in some (or many) ways. Happened to me many years ago...of a friendship that blossomed over a five year period. She simply lost interest in me...as if she went over a cliff.

In a way I've experienced this... not the exact thing though, but in the past I've had someone in my life whom I talked to pretty much online only for about 18 months. And that culminated to the point where we could state "we're dating", but since she lived like 100 miles north(-west-ish) it was more of a long distance thing. Eventually she came over for a weekend, so we met up in real life (and I did before at a rave about, though we didn't recall it until a mutual friend told us we'd met before, lol) and got intimate and all. After that our deal got really weird and she pulled some really weird stuff on me, including trying to frame me for me trying to threaten her and getting me in trouble with the authorities. The reason why I didn't get in trouble is because I was on to her shenanigans early on and just played along to see where it would go. Yes... I'm that patient...

Until this day I still don't know why this went down like that (and it's been almost 3 years ago). To make it worse; up until where it went crazy, I really liked her and was under the suspicion it might work out somehow.

It's a great story, well worth writing about. It has a high "what the...."-level to it. But I wont bother people with it right now... I might if people would gather up to hear it, lol.

 

[Judge]

In a way I've experienced this... not the exact thing though, but in the past I've had someone in my life whom I talked to pretty much online only for about 18 months. And that culminated to the point where we could state "we're dating", but since she lived like 100 miles north(-west-ish) it was more of a long distance thing. Eventually she came over for a weekend, so we met up in real life (and I did before at a rave about, though we didn't recall it until a mutual friend told us we'd met before, lol) and got intimate and all. After that our deal got really weird and she pulled some really weird stuff on me, including trying to frame me for me trying to threaten her and getting me in trouble with the authorities. The reason why I didn't get in trouble is because I was on to her shenanigans early on and just played along to see where it would go. Yes... I'm that patient...

Until this day I still don't know why this went down like that (and it's been almost 3 years ago). To make it worse; up until where it went crazy, I really liked her and was under the suspicion it might work out somehow.

It's a great story, well worth writing about. It has a high "what the...."-level to it. But I wont bother people with it right now... I might if people would gather up to hear it, lol.

King, MTV is presently running a tv show in the US which deals with this very thing. Where two guys investigate someone's request to find out if the other person in their online relationship is being honest with them or not. In most cases it's ugly...and in a few cases it's downright frightening. Here's their website that goes into the show and each story/episode:

Catfish: The TV Show | Season 2 Full Episodes, Cast, Show Clips

 

[Jacki Cucinotta]

Thanks for all the tips and support guys. I really appreciate it so much You guys are the best! I've been thinking about ending that group I talked about, but I don't want anyone to be offended and unfriend me because I removed them from a group. On the other hand, I am not sure if people I added even remember that they are in it. I think I might as well go for it and start fresh on that note. In all honesty, I think I might be better off if I just asked for cell/phone numbers via private messages on an individual basis. Probably have more success there I think. People have tended to respond to posts that were made to just them from what I've noticed. And I've made a promise to myself to never hold back from trying to contact old friends because I think putting off trying to contact someone out of nervousness and uncertainty does more harm than good in terms of my emotional state.

 

[Ste11aeres]

In all honesty, I think I might be better off if I just asked for cell/phone numbers via private messages on an individual basis. Probably have more success there I think. People have tended to respond to posts that were made to just them from what I've noticed.

I think a lot of people assume when they are asked something as part of a group, that the response of that particular individual isn't that important to you. But if you ask someone individually, s/he knows that you are thinking specifically about him/her, and is more likely to feel cared about.

 

[Hadassah]

I suppose it could be worse. Anyone here been a victim of "catfishing"? Where an online relationship ensues, where one or both parties are being profoundly dishonest to one another in some (or many) ways. Happened to me many years ago...of a friendship that blossomed over a five year period. She simply lost interest in me...as if she went over a cliff.

Usually once a year my curiosity would get the best of me and I'd start doing a little detective work to see if I could track her down on social media sites. Always wanted to know what happened to her, make sure she was ok. Eventually I found out. She had gotten married more than a year before she started to break off contact with me. County marriage license records and all. I'd be a liar if I said it didn't hurt after all these years.

Well, I've been "catfished".. That abusive and narcissistic ex of mine did that to me. He was very dishonest, lied straight to my face. Not of his identity, but of who he was and his intentions towards me (I heard later that I wasn't the only one).. Being an aspie and not knowing it then meant that I am very childish and naive and believed everything he said to me..

He was a typical charmer -charmed his way in to my heart and when we met IRL he was abusive and mean and really made my fear of men and self-esteem even worse. And I was that naive that I didn't even see it, while it was happening in front of my eyes.. In the end I wasn't good enough for him and he tried to change me -I dressed too childishly, laughed annoyingly, was fat, was stupid, had bad hair, ugly nose, too much make up, sucked at cooking, etc.. Every abusive verbal thing you can think of he'd put me down with! And he was nothing like that online and he had seen what I look like!! I swore off men since.. But it kinda sucks that online is the only way I can talk and meet someone.. But I guess there are happy stories too, not all are "catfishing".. If you know of some, please tell me..

Writing this actually triggered an anxiety attack in me.. "Yay"..

 

[Judge]

Well, I've been "catfished".. That abusive and narcissistic ex of mine did that to me. He was very dishonest, lied straight to my face. Not of his identity, but of who he was and his intentions towards me (I heard later that I wasn't the only one).. Being an aspie and not knowing it then meant that I am very childish and naive and believed everything he said to me..

He was a typical charmer -charmed his way in to my heart and when we met IRL he was abusive and mean and really made my fear of men and self-esteem even worse. And I was that naive that I didn't even see it, while it was happening in front of my eyes.. In the end I wasn't good enough for him and he tried to change me -I dressed too childishly, laughed annoyingly, was fat, was stupid, had bad hair, ugly nose, too much make up, sucked at cooking, etc.. Every abusive verbal thing you can think of he'd put me down with! And he was nothing like that online and he had seen what I look like!! I swore off men since.. But it kinda sucks that online is the only way I can talk and meet someone.. But I guess there are happy stories too, not all are "catfishing".. If you know of some, please tell me..

Writing this actually triggered an anxiety attack in me.. "Yay"..

Sorry to hear. Yet it all sounds sadly familiar to me. Yes, on MTV's show they have had a scant few stories where the catfishing didn't actually exist, or that the two people were able to overcome their dishonesty and manage a relationship in spite of it. But yes, for people like us it makes future online relationships more dubious.

It was at that point in 1997 when I simply gave up on relationships altogether. Figured if I couldn't make an online one work, there was no point in pursuing the matter. I get that...

Here's the one episode where it all worked out as a love story: Lauren & Derek | Ep. 204 | Catfish: The TV Show | Full Episode Video | MTV

 

[Spinning Compass]

Story of my life. I have a lot of superficial friends, but it seems the only time my phone rings is when it is a telemarketer. I try not to let it aggravate me, but there are people who know damn well I live alone and have no family near. Yet, I don't hear from them. Even when we have a storm and the power is out, I don't hear from them.

I have often wondered how long it would be if something happened to me before anyone started looking. I would say at least a week if not more. Now, my employer would notice right away, but noticing and looking are two different things.

 

[Sparticus]

Last few years I was volunteering for a big project. It got stale...volunteers would state they would help by ___ and within a few months would disappear. That left a few of us especially me to do all the work. I asked a former mentor of mine, a Jewish man who was an attorney. He advised me to step back...and just disappear for awhile. I did it & it worked. So you don't have to delete your page/group...maybe you just want to step back and let it die.

 

[Jacki Cucinotta]

I think a lot of people assume when they are asked something as part of a group, that the response of that particular individual isn't that important to you. But if you ask someone individually, s/he knows that you are thinking specifically about him/her, and is more likely to feel cared about.

Exactly! That was something I thought about almost immediately after I formed the group. I think it might have intimidated some people, and I don't think that would be the case if I contacted each of them individually.

 

[Jacki Cucinotta]

Last few years I was volunteering for a big project. It got stale...volunteers would state they would help by ___ and within a few months would disappear. That left a few of us especially me to do all the work. I asked a former mentor of mine, a Jewish man who was an attorney. He advised me to step back...and just disappear for awhile. I did it & it worked. So you don't have to delete your page/group...maybe you just want to step back and let it die.

That's a good point too. At least I know that it's good to consider that option as well.

 

[Hadassah]

Here's the one episode where it all worked out as a love story: Lauren & Derek | Ep. 204 | Catfish: The TV Show | Full Episode Video | MTV

That was lovely

Story of my life. I have a lot of superficial friends, but it seems the only time my phone rings is when it is a telemarketer. I try not to let it aggravate me, but there are people who know damn well I live alone and have no family near. Yet, I don't hear from them. Even when we have a storm and the power is out, I don't hear from them.

I have often wondered how long it would be if something happened to me before anyone started looking. I would say at least a week if not more. Now, my employer would notice right away, but noticing and looking are two different things.

:/ I understand you completely.. I have felt this way many, many times..

I used to think a lot about that too, if anyone would care if I died.. I almost wanted my death to be shocking and tragic for this reason.. Not anymore though, thank God! But, many people that we think aren't, are alone, we just don't see it. I wish more lonely people could find each other..

 

[Drake Marino]

Honestly, yes I do. It hurts so much whenever my friends get tired of me and don't want to text, call, or hang out anymore. However, at this point I'm very guarded from other people, and I never let myself get attached to my friends anymore that way when they decide to leave me for dead it doesn't hurt.

 

[Judge]

Honestly, yes I do. It hurts so much whenever my friends get tired of me and don't want to text, call, or hang out anymore. However, at this point I'm very guarded from other people, and I never let myself get attached to my friends anymore that way when they decide to leave me for dead it doesn't hurt.

I can relate to this as well. If I remain unguarded, my AS kicks in and eventually I say or do the wrong thing that makes people call or care less and less. And in having to remain guarded, it's like watering down my own personality which invites me to appear boring which sometimes brings about the same response I try so hard to avoid. It's a private hell Neurotypicals never see. And yes, eventually I just fade away from people...as is the case at the moment. I have almost no one in my orbit now, living in near social isolation.

I am a rock, I am an island. But I still feel pain and shed some tears.