Does 'love' come and go? Have I fallen out of love?

[HBLH29]

Hi there everybody,

I'd be really grateful if I could have some advice, I'm feeling like I should break up with my boyfriend, who is completely in love with me and I have no friends/family outside of, so I would appreciate some advice.

Just to give some context...

I have Aspergers - diagnosed 6 months ago, and OCD. I'm 30 y/old, in my first long term relationship (18)months, and 3 days ago I submitted my Masters thesis, which it took me 18 months of 60/80 hour weeks to finish. Since about 2 days before submitting my thesis, I've become gripped by the idea I should break up with my boyfriend. I've been trying to tell myself this is just some impulse, probably a reaction to submitting my thesis, and that I was bound to have some kind of crash after facing 'the void' and this is just a manifestation, but I'm finding it hard to convince myself of this. My head just keeps telling me I'm not in love with my boyfriend and thus I should break up with him, like NOW. I am really, really confused.

Half of the time I feel like I'm definately in love with my boyfriend. I meet up with him and I'm shocked by happy I am to be with him, that I feel such deep 'affection' for him, that I'm attracted to him, that I think he's an amazing guy, that I want to do a million things to put his happiness first. But at the same time I feel like we're dying, or a part of me is dying, I'm sad, I feel like I'm grieving, for us, I can't figure it out. We have different life goals, I don't know where the future will take me, but there are solutions to everything and he's always been supportive and flexible and we've talked about making goals together... he's super committed to me and my happiness, so it's not like he's standing in my way of anything. I am less attracted to him sometimes... I have to say I suspect he has Aspergers too. I saw him three times this week and on each day he was wearing the same shirt... one of many symptoms. Let's just say that paying attention to his physical appearance is not one of his priorities, and he's VERY attached to familiar things, like ten year old totally faded T-Shirts, but he's improved massively since we got together and I am attracted to him now, although admittedly not as much as I think I could be considering the attractive guy he is when he changes his T-shirt etc.

I've always been confused about how I feel about him, namely because for weeks or months I feel completely in love with him and then seem to go through a few weeks or a month or so where I feel like I don't love him. I also noticed the feelings go away when I'm super focused on my work, or occupied with other feelings, like depression, for instance. Another theory that I've had is that I have pretty severe OCD, and I wonder if this is relationship OCD which is redirecting all the anxiety I have about my new and very uncertain future towards the relationship, maybe compelling me to break up with my boyfriend so I feel some sense of control over what right now feels very much out of my control. I really have no idea what to think, other than that I'm full of sadness now and it's difficult to understand why.

All I can say is, this problem is not unique to my current boyfriend. I have a history of breaking p with guys after 3/4 months, only to discover 6/9 months later my feelings were massively stronger than I understood they were. In the first case I was devastated 9 months after breaking up with a boyfriend when he finally found a replacement... I mean not sleeping and vomiting from the pain for about a month kind of devastation. There were two more like that... guys I pushed away and rejected and told I wasn't in love with, only to discover 6/9 months later I was when somebody pointed out the reason I was in agony without them was because I was in love.

I feel like I have a need to be single for some reason, or just, alone. and in hindsight I see there are various times when I've been convinced I was not in love and then eventually found out I was.

I do this with friends, too. There comes a point, regularly, when I just need to cut people out and push them away, only to miss them for months. I've reached an age where I finally enough awareness to know I can't treat people like this. I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why my brain is insisting I don't love my boyfriend anymore and to break up with him. Just one week ago I was writing to my friends that I was incredibly happy with him. Just 3 weeks ago I was sending messages to friends saying he made me happier than I ever could've imagined somebody making me. So what's happened?

Sorry for sounding like an emotional retard. I just want to do the right thing.

Thank you for any perspectives/advice!!!

 

[ksheehan88]

Hi there everybody,

I'd be really grateful if I could have some advice, I'm feeling like I should break up with my boyfriend, who is completely in love with me and I have no friends/family outside of, so I would appreciate some advice.

Just to give some context...

I have Aspergers - diagnosed 6 months ago, and OCD. I'm 30 y/old, in my first long term relationship (18)months, and 3 days ago I submitted my Masters thesis, which it took me 18 months of 60/80 hour weeks to finish. Since about 2 days before submitting my thesis, I've become gripped by the idea I should break up with my boyfriend. I've been trying to tell myself this is just some impulse, probably a reaction to submitting my thesis, and that I was bound to have some kind of crash after facing 'the void' and this is just a manifestation, but I'm finding it hard to convince myself of this. My head just keeps telling me I'm not in love with my boyfriend and thus I should break up with him, like NOW. I am really, really confused.

Half of the time I feel like I'm definately in love with my boyfriend. I meet up with him and I'm shocked by happy I am to be with him, that I feel such deep 'affection' for him, that I'm attracted to him, that I think he's an amazing guy, that I want to do a million things to put his happiness first. But at the same time I feel like we're dying, or a part of me is dying, I'm sad, I feel like I'm grieving, for us, I can't figure it out. We have different life goals, I don't know where the future will take me, but there are solutions to everything and he's always been supportive and flexible and we've talked about making goals together... he's super committed to me and my happiness, so it's not like he's standing in my way of anything. I am less attracted to him sometimes... I have to say I suspect he has Aspergers too. I saw him three times this week and on each day he was wearing the same shirt... one of many symptoms. Let's just say that paying attention to his physical appearance is not one of his priorities, and he's VERY attached to familiar things, like ten year old totally faded T-Shirts, but he's improved massively since we got together and I am attracted to him now, although admittedly not as much as I think I could be considering the attractive guy he is when he changes his T-shirt etc.

I've always been confused about how I feel about him, namely because for weeks or months I feel completely in love with him and then seem to go through a few weeks or a month or so where I feel like I don't love him. I also noticed the feelings go away when I'm super focused on my work, or occupied with other feelings, like depression, for instance. Another theory that I've had is that I have pretty severe OCD, and I wonder if this is relationship OCD which is redirecting all the anxiety I have about my new and very uncertain future towards the relationship, maybe compelling me to break up with my boyfriend so I feel some sense of control over what right now feels very much out of my control. I really have no idea what to think, other than that I'm full of sadness now and it's difficult to understand why.

All I can say is, this problem is not unique to my current boyfriend. I have a history of breaking p with guys after 3/4 months, only to discover 6/9 months later my feelings were massively stronger than I understood they were. In the first case I was devastated 9 months after breaking up with a boyfriend when he finally found a replacement... I mean not sleeping and vomiting from the pain for about a month kind of devastation. There were two more like that... guys I pushed away and rejected and told I wasn't in love with, only to discover 6/9 months later I was when somebody pointed out the reason I was in agony without them was because I was in love.

I feel like I have a need to be single for some reason, or just, alone. and in hindsight I see there are various times when I've been convinced I was not in love and then eventually found out I was.

I do this with friends, too. There comes a point, regularly, when I just need to cut people out and push them away, only to miss them for months. I've reached an age where I finally enough awareness to know I can't treat people like this. I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why my brain is insisting I don't love my boyfriend anymore and to break up with him. Just one week ago I was writing to my friends that I was incredibly happy with him. Just 3 weeks ago I was sending messages to friends saying he made me happier than I ever could've imagined somebody making me. So what's happened?

Sorry for sounding like an emotional retard. I just want to do the right thing.

Thank you for any perspectives/advice!!!

I have this same feeling with my boyfriend of 10 years. I go through periods of not being "in love" anymore, and other times where I'm certain I do... I usually put it down to depression.

We have three children together too so it has crossed my mind that perhaps I "make" myself keep loving him because of them... I don't know. So much whizzes around in my noggin I don;t know how or what I feel most of the time.

I haven't been of any help I know but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in the "unsure" thing

 

[WereBear]

It can be difficult to evaluate something that is so subjective. We are the only judge of whether we love someone; though I might add that figuring out if the other person is worthy is easier. Then we have guidelines about how they treat us, what they say, etc.

It's possible you feel love for him most keenly when you are missing him. Or when you are distracted by other things, or when you are not. By keeping track of what else is going on when you have these different feelings, a pattern can emerge.

For instance, my husband likes to surprise me with a new CD (I take long car trips for work) and when he does I feel a surge of love for his thoughtfulness and caring. But I don't feel that same feeling all the time, or it would become the new baseline, and then he would have to buy me a car or something to give me that same feeling

And he's not in a position to buy me a car very often

 

[Judge]

I used to ponder such a dynamic myself. But in my own case, it didn't take long to understand that it isn't my love that comes and goes, but rather how my stress levels negatively impact socialization altogether.

And that for those around me, it might be easier for them to perceive that I don't care for them, when in the "big picture" I really do. The dilemma being that I can't always control my stress levels to prevent this.

 

[HBLH29]

Hey everybody, I just wanted to say thank you so much for your replies. I am really struggling to recognise my emotions or kind of mentally verbalise/label them, but I could be wrong. ksheehan88 I too suspect that this has to do with depression/OCD. I feel that part of understanding would have to involve finding a way to treat phases of depression and OCD. I'm trying all the B-vitamins/vitamin D magnesium, Inositol, GABA flippin everything lol! I agree with Judge that stress impacts it too.

I think part of my problem is that I kind of don't miss people when they're not around. It's not just missing people either, it's kind of an awareness of emotional and physiological needs, like, I know that they're there but I'm somehow disconnected from them. I've spoken to a friend about this, how I can just work and work until I'm literally compelled to stop by hunger or exhaustion. I'll often go without food for hours and hours because I'm just detached from the feeling of hunger when my mind is elsewhere. It kind of reminds me a bit of a thing I did when I was a kid, where I'd run the hot tap really really hot because I believe that the hotter it became, the more it seemed like cold. That sounds really messed up when I say it out loud!

On a social level, I notice this feeling mismatch because often people will invite me to do something and I'll resent it and feel no real desire to speak to/be with them. But if I do it by obligation, I enjoy it, and feel really surprised that i enjoy it so much. It's like I only remember the feelings I have for people, or the fact that socialising with people is pleasurable, when I'm actually with them.

I definately feel like my 'love' for my boyfriend is stronger when I'm with him for long periods of time, like 2 days +. And it takes a couple of days of being together for me to get to that point where the love has become strong again. If we go 2/3 days not being together, I lose the feeling and then cannot remember being in love with him it seems. I wonder if this is an Oxytocin issue? Or Alexythymia?

I spoke to the psychologist at the autism centre following my diagnosis and she told me she has a client who, when her children go away on holiday, she doesn't think to call them because she doesn't miss them. The psychologist told me that sometimes we just have to keep saying 'I love you' to kids and partners even when the feeling is not there.

Is this part of Aspergers or is it something else? Sorry for the long ramble, again, and thank you all for helping me understand all this. Any good book recommendations for understanding Aspergers and relationships?

Thank you and I hope you all have a nice weekend!

 

[ksheehan88]

Hey everybody, I just wanted to say thank you so much for your replies. I am really struggling to recognise my emotions or kind of mentally verbalise/label them, but I could be wrong. ksheehan88 I too suspect that this has to do with depression/OCD. I feel that part of understanding would have to involve finding a way to treat phases of depression and OCD. I'm trying all the B-vitamins/vitamin D magnesium, Inositol, GABA flippin everything lol! I agree with Judge that stress impacts it too.

I think part of my problem is that I kind of don't miss people when they're not around. It's not just missing people either, it's kind of an awareness of emotional and physiological needs, like, I know that they're there but I'm somehow disconnected from them. I've spoken to a friend about this, how I can just work and work until I'm literally compelled to stop by hunger or exhaustion. I'll often go without food for hours and hours because I'm just detached from the feeling of hunger when my mind is elsewhere. It kind of reminds me a bit of a thing I did when I was a kid, where I'd run the hot tap really really hot because I believe that the hotter it became, the more it seemed like cold. That sounds really messed up when I say it out loud!

On a social level, I notice this feeling mismatch because often people will invite me to do something and I'll resent it and feel no real desire to speak to/be with them. But if I do it by obligation, I enjoy it, and feel really surprised that i enjoy it so much. It's like I only remember the feelings I have for people, or the fact that socialising with people is pleasurable, when I'm actually with them.

I definately feel like my 'love' for my boyfriend is stronger when I'm with him for long periods of time, like 2 days +. And it takes a couple of days of being together for me to get to that point where the love has become strong again. If we go 2/3 days not being together, I lose the feeling and then cannot remember being in love with him it seems. I wonder if this is an Oxytocin issue? Or Alexythymia?

I spoke to the psychologist at the autism centre following my diagnosis and she told me she has a client who, when her children go away on holiday, she doesn't think to call them because she doesn't miss them. The psychologist told me that sometimes we just have to keep saying 'I love you' to kids and partners even when the feeling is not there.

Is this part of Aspergers or is it something else? Sorry for the long ramble, again, and thank you all for helping me understand all this. Any good book recommendations for understanding Aspergers and relationships?

Thank you and I hope you all have a nice weekend!

Those parts I've put in bold - I do both of those things...

The tap thing I did when I was young and now.

I sometimes go and stay at my parents by myself (kind of like de-stress time, only for a day or two) and from the time I leave til the time I get home I don't even think about my children... I know that sounds bad but its not by design, it just happens.

 

[Judge]

One thing to consider and not feel too badly about is the possibility of having unique traits and behaviors which may or may not be indicative of neurology in a clinical sense.

In your case, absence may not make your heart grow fonder.

In mine, I don't experience jealousy or envy. Which also has caused problems in some of my past relationships. I have yet to find anyone else with such particular traits.

 

[HBLH29]

ksheehan88 I am so shocked you resonate with those things, in a relieved way! I'd be really curious to know more about the feeling of love/missing you have for your children, such as when they/you are on holiday. Or rather, do you ever feel that the love you have for your children 'goes behind a cloud' (my experience with my boyfriend) in the same way that it does for your partner? I really don't mean to ask an invasive question though, so please feel free not to answer!

I'm especially curious on this topic because I suspect my dad is on the spectrum. I stopped talking to him as a teenager because I believed he didn't love his kids, he just didn't show signs of caring or being concerned, he often still doesn't, and according to my mother would regularly say he didn't know what love was, even for us, his kids. He had depression most of his life, but now I'm an adult I do recognise part of his experience in me, and I wonder if it's Alexythmia or something, because I know 100% I do love and care about people based on how I treat them and the fact I feel it sometimes, albeit if the feeling itself is a bit 'fluctuous', shall we say. At least I can say my concern for them is constant.

The other thing that popped into my mind was that in the first part of our relationship my boyfriend complained that I would get very distressed when he goes away, like very upset by the experience of him leaving. He would say that for him to go away was no big deal because he knew he'd see me a day or too later, whereas I'd go into grief about it and then go cold to him for a few days later. He said it was like I was punishing him for leaving/shutting down emotionally. The times I've felt the strongest love for him have been when on holiday and we've been together every day for a week or two. I wonder if it just gives me time to open up. Man I hate the complexity of emotions!

 

[HBLH29]

sorry again but I just had ANOTHER thought... strong distressing emotion/stress in general tends to cause me either a meltdown or a shutdown and numbness. So in a way it would make sense that if repeatedly connecting to then 'separating' from my boyfriend is stressful it might cause some emotional numbness....

 

[ksheehan88]

ksheehan88 I am so shocked you resonate with those things, in a relieved way! I'd be really curious to know more about the feeling of love/missing you have for your children, such as when they/you are on holiday. Or rather, do you ever feel that the love you have for your children 'goes behind a cloud' (my experience with my boyfriend) in the same way that it does for your partner? I really don't mean to ask an invasive question though, so please feel free not to answer!

I'm especially curious on this topic because I suspect my dad is on the spectrum. I stopped talking to him as a teenager because I believed he didn't love his kids, he just didn't show signs of caring or being concerned, he often still doesn't, and according to my mother would regularly say he didn't know what love was, even for us, his kids. He had depression most of his life, but now I'm an adult I do recognise part of his experience in me, and I wonder if it's Alexythmia or something, because I know 100% I do love and care about people based on how I treat them and the fact I feel it sometimes, albeit if the feeling itself is a bit 'fluctuous', shall we say. At least I can say my concern for them is constant.

The other thing that popped into my mind was that in the first part of our relationship my boyfriend complained that I would get very distressed when he goes away, like very upset by the experience of him leaving. He would say that for him to go away was no big deal because he knew he'd see me a day or too later, whereas I'd go into grief about it and then go cold to him for a few days later. He said it was like I was punishing him for leaving/shutting down emotionally. The times I've felt the strongest love for him have been when on holiday and we've been together every day for a week or two. I wonder if it just gives me time to open up. Man I hate the complexity of emotions!

I love them deeply, but it doesn't always feel like it... Its much like my relationship with my family and partner thinking about it.

I show them affection, give them hugs and kisses and stuff. But there are times that I really dislike them... When they make lots of noise or actively ignore requests I make of them... I know thats an awful thing to say, and I don't tell people that, nor do I tell the kids that.

In short, yes there are times I feel... emotionally distant from them, but I wouldn't be without them.

I hope that answers your question, I;m tryig to make sense but theres alot of noise here right now and I can't think straight lol xx

 

[HBLH29]

oh ksheehan88 , I super relate to your noise difficulties and honestly don't know how you stand it you poor thing! It's comforting to know that love, or maybe attachment, may not feel constant even if love essentially is. Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience

 

[ksheehan88]

oh ksheehan88 , I super relate to your noise difficulties and honestly don't know how you stand it you poor thing! It's comforting to know that love, or maybe attachment, may not feel constant even if love essentially is. Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience

You're welcome

 

[zurb]

'In love' is a feeling that comes and goes and has many variables which drive it - some of which you can influence. But don't trust it.
'Love' involves a commitment that outlasts transient feelings.
As I've posted elsewhere, there are different kinds of love, and also different ways of expressing it.

 

[Judge]

For me it isn't love that comes and goes. But rather emotions and affection, which at times admittedly can run hot or cold...sometimes for no particular reason at all. Apart from just a benchmark of my stress levels.

That's my truth. Which didn't serve me well with NT partners. Though at the time neither they or myself ever knew that I could be on the spectrum.