Does my autism make me cold?

[Neri]

When my psychiatrist dismissed my suspicions of autism 8 years ago or so, by saying "You're too warm to be autistic" (what did she know, I'm diagnosed now) it got me thinking, is that how we come across?

Cold?

I think I do have a clinical side where I'm not ruled by emotions and I do have flat modes where I don't feel much at all, which I think, help me not be utterly emotionally destroyed by things that might've devastated me a lot more, if I were more "neurotypical" as a woman, but, I don't know if I come across as cold or not.

Seeing as my psychiatrist thought me warm, "too warm" but I'm not always, I have a side that is not invested in human inclusion and that loves living in the mental realm of things more than trying to find genuine connection. Is that my autism?

I don't think it's coldness but it is lack of connection to other humans and lack of desire as I perceive other humans to want. I'm not completely devoid of desire for human connection but I think it is decidedly more dulled and null compared to other people I witness, who seem to need it consistantly. I need time away from all human contact regularly.

 

[Roisin]

I want meaningful connection, I don't want to waste my social energy on superficial anything.
Not cold, just congruence.

Your posts don't come across as cold, quite the opposite.

 

[Outdated]

I think there's several different aspects to it, some from autism and some not.

I'm someone that simply never needed constant human company. I'm always happy by myself and I don't get lonely. I was always very sociable though and somehow always ended up with more friends than I was able to deal with. Last time I moved interstate (5 years ago) I decided that this time around I was going to try to not make any friends and so far I'm still very happy with that decision. I don't enjoy the pressure of social commitments and I don't need companionship.

I think I do have a clinical side where I'm not ruled by emotions and I do have flat modes where I don't feel much at all, which I think, help me not be utterly emotionally destroyed by things that might've devastated me a lot more, if I were more "neurotypical" as a woman, but, I don't know if I come across as cold or not.

I do this too when situations become emotionally stressful for me. The part of my brain that processes emotions switches off, disconnects, from that point on you're dealing with something closer to a machine intelligence rather than a human. I've read a lot of material that says this is a learned behaviour that results from childhood trauma and that fits with my history, but I think that my autism makes it a lot easier for me to do this too.

 

[Rodafina]

@Neri
I think a lot of it is about others' perceptions. From one autist to another, it appears to be somewhat easier to spot warmth, compassion, and a desire for connection, whereas sometimes our comments and actions can be perceived as somewhat colder by others who have a different way of showing those things. For example, offering an analytical and logical perspective to someone who is suffering may be written off as "cold," when really, from my view, it is showing care and compassion and an earnest effort to help. Listening to someone share a problem, thinking about what might ease that problem, and taking the time to craft a response is a sure sign of warmth and care as far as I can see.

I think we can run into problems where our actions do not always reflect our true feelings, but this is a translation problem, not an indicator of us being cold and distant. One example that comes to mind is a long running battle I've had in my head with my family. I love them dearly, but it is difficult for me to show warmth toward them in the way that they show it to each other (hugs, family gatherings, shared meals, and outings together). As I've aged I've stopped doing things that feel so unnatural and uncomfortable to me and I often worry that this makes me appear distant and apathetic.

I am lucky that my family communicates well and there is acceptance and love among us. When I finally learned about autism (when I was about 41), and shared that with my family, they became much more understanding of my behavior and they can now interpret my actions differently than before. In turn, this has made me more comfortable around them and so the connection has grown out of me finally being myself and taking the space I need from their version of normal warmth and love. I show my own version of warmth and love now. In the right company, like here on the forum or with my family, there are no longer so many things that are lost in translation.

My opinion is that you come off as very thoughtful, warm and caring in your posts.

 

[Neri]

I want meaningful connection, I don't want to waste my social energy on superficial anything.
Not cold, just congruence.

Your posts don't come across as cold, quite the opposite.

Yes. I want meaningful, conguent, connection. I try to deliver that, but find myself getting socially exhausted and neurally spent and so I can never extend myself as far as I'd like. I get bewildered by what I witness as people's lack of care, lack of duty of care and lack of rational accountability when they behave in ways that are unkind. My lack of know-how in how to grapple with this perception is endlessly humbling. I want genuineness; dishonesty and inauthenticity are very repugnant to me, and lack of accountability are cause for me to lose trust and my sense of safety in the relationship.

I know I fall short though. I want to give much more than I seem able. What I can't do is transmit the care as much as I would like. I perceive so much lack and I don't know if it's me, how I'm interpreting things, or how things are.

I have a great wellspring of deep care and sensitivity and my powerless to do more for other's is very hard to bare. When I have given wholeheartedly of myself it seems to backfire and so I have to pull away as I am misunderstood, maligned and/or taken for granted when I try to give so much of myself in care for other's.
At this point I retreat. I devote myself to recovery, artistic practise and getting the support I need, as with my "ASD2" my brain just can't manage all the things one's expected to manage. I get very "flat" and exhausted when I push myself too hard.

 

[Roisin]

Yes. I want meaningful, conguent, connection. I try to deliver that, but find myself getting socially exhausted and neurally spent and so I can never extend myself as far as I'd like. I get bewildered by what I witness as people's lack of care, lack of duty of care and lack of rational accountability when they behave in ways that are unkind. My lack of know-how in how to grapple with this perception is endlessly humbling. I want genuineness; dishonesty and inauthenticity are very repugnant to me, and lack of accountability are cause for me to lose trust and my sense of safety in the relationship.

I know I fall short though. I want to give much more than I seem able. What I can't do is transmit the care as much as I would like. I perceive so much lack and I don't know if it's me, how I'm interpreting things, or how things are.

I have a great wellspring of deep care and sensitivity and my powerless to do more for other's is very hard to bare. When I have given wholeheartedly of myself it seems to backfire and so I have to pull away as I am misunderstood, maligned and/or taken for granted when I try to give so much of myself in care for other's.
At this point I retreat. I devote myself to recovery, artistic practise and getting the support I need, as with my "ASD2" my brain just can't manage all the things one's expected to manage. I get very "flat" and exhausted when I push myself too hard.

Do you tend to see the best in others?
I've been there, its a beautiful quality to possess, yet it cost me in the past, especially as I was healing, it sort of poured out of me but, the recipients were not on the same healing path as me, nor capable of reciprocation.

Now that I am in better health it's reserved for a few that I am certain will benefit from and appreciate it. Such a gift is too precious to waste!

 

[Judge]

I just see such considerations in the same light as NT misconceptions of what they consider to be "a lack of empathy". That what they often are claiming isn't so much a lack of empathy, but rather an inability to project it in a way that is meaningful to them.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I do this too when situations become emotionally stressful for me. The part of my brain that processes emotions switches off, disconnects, from that point on you're dealing with something closer to a machine intelligence rather than a human. I've read a lot of material that says this is a learned behaviour that results from childhood trauma and that fits with my history, but I think that my autism makes it a lot easier for me to do this too.

Other than standard issue bullying, I had a very non-traumatic childhood. So I can't see trauma as a factor for me. But I definitely go into robot mode in situations where most people would be highly emotional.

When I was a child, my emotions were wildly over the top. Somewhere in my preteens I was able to get off the emotional roller coaster. I'll take the current situation any day over the "bad old days"

 

[Rachie]

Men with Autism were a long time associated with lack of emotion. When women started being diagnosed a lot more was uncovered about emotions that made them a bit more different to men. You know that I'm sure. Some people may not be updated on the research about women and autism.

However a number of women talk about being fine with emotions it seems growing up on here. However as a female I was different and it seemed that I had the typical emotional capacity of a boy. I wasn't emotional and only gave it out when it was really needed ans I didn't really express emotion at an early age.

As an adult and learning through life experience I have learnt how to be more capable than I was ever naturally of emotion.

Now I saw this title and thought it was something else completely. I thought you was talking about either yourself being in the body or the atompsehpere for when I get in a very stress inducing situation the air around me can get cold and I enquired about this and was pretty much told it was like a fight and flight response and like andrelian. It is hard for me to do emotions naturally at times.

We are all unique and there is research now that women can be gifted with emotions as well and I'm sure many men are as well. Loads are probably more emotional than me.

 

[Neri]

Do you tend to see the best in others?
I've been there, its a beautiful quality to possess, yet it cost me in the past, especially as I was healing, it sort of poured out of me but, the recipients were not on the same healing path as me, nor capable of reciprocation.

Now that I am in better health it's reserved for a few that I am certain will benefit from and appreciate it. Such a gift is too precious to waste!

Yes, I do tend to see the best in people and attibute honesty and forthrightness to their words, due to my own, and a misconception that people are more like me than they actually are. I'm learning that that can be a very foolish perceptual habit though.
I've been scammed and robbed recently, abused and taken advantage of a lot, throughout my life, because of my foolish yet trusting nature.

I am in burnout mode at the moment though. I have not left my room in three days (I live in a women's rooming house) and I have absolutely no desire to talk to anybody in real life, at the moment.

 

[Sherlock77]

I think I tend to be quite cold, at times rather clinical, certainly not very emotional... Both expressing it and feeling it

I have trouble identifying emotion in many things of my life, I do see that in my photography, where I am visual but mostly view things I photograph as a pleasing composition and can almost never assign an emotion to it... Unlike most of my other photography friends

 

[Roisin]

Yes, I do tend to see the best in people and attibute honesty and forthrightness to their words, due to my own, and a misconception that people are more like me than they actually are. I'm learning that that can be a very foolish perceptual habit though.
I've been scammed and robbed recently, abused and taken advantage of a lot, throughout my life, because of my foolish yet trusting nature.

I am in burnout mode at the moment though. I have not left my room in three days (I live in a women's rooming house) and I have absolutely no desire to talk to anybody in real life, at the moment.

I can relate to your words Neri, being abused by those we love is hideous. I'm sending my best energy to you as I write this, one human to another, across the globe.

Your natural way of being is who you are, going on my personal experience, years of not knowing I needed extra boundary protection placed me in harms way.

I'm glad you have a room to feel safe in, while you are processing the changes in your life
Gentle baby steps eh.