Doing Time

[SimonSays]

I spend the vast majority of my time alone. It's only recently that I’ve felt able to begin to interact with people online again as for quite some time I had to remain silent.

I experienced being homeless for a few months through November and December and was living in a hostel in central London which wasn’t easy. I lost my home which was what allowed me to experience this and since my mum died I don’t have any family.

I don’t have any friends. I don’t have a job or an income, just savings that I use to support myself with. I just pay for my room and food and live as simply as I can while I Wonder what it means to have a life.

I don't see a future for myself. The past is only a memory. All that exists is here and now And all I can do is Experience myself in it.

I have what I need though. A small box room big enough for a single bed with access to a shared kitchen and bathroom so that I can live as if I am normal when I know I'm not.

I do very little other than acquire ingredients for cooking and then I spend my time writing about what I'm experiencing, or what I've experienced . I like sharing my perspective and it feels good having found somewhere that I feel I can do that.

But in many ways it's a distraction, just like watching YouTube or streaming shows and films Is. I am doing time. I've been doing time for a long time. I know how to do time and sometimes it feels like I don't exist. Sometimes it feels like I've died and just haven’t realised it yet. I've accepted that I don't have a life. Nor do I have any idea what having a life might entail as I no longer really fit into normal NT activity. So I've chosen to keep to myself. Fortunately I can make that choice due to receiving a small inheritance after my mother's death that enables me to, in a sense, live outside of NT reality, while at the same time having to navigate the fact that I’m still in it.

For me there is no pandemic. I don't do anything differently because I do the same things whether there was a pandemic or not, and the only reason that I notice it is because I see people behaving as if there is. But it doesn't exist for me. If I wasn't being told things and I do not follow the news or read papers Or listen or watch anything to do with these things, I wouldn’t know. I live in my own little bubble and just carry on with my life regardless.

I could probably do with some support sometimes; or a little distraction that is outside of writing, watching or reading. But I can't get it and I can't focus on not having it because that just makes me feel like I'm suffering and that doesn't help. But it does help to talk about things and even though I've not been here long, the kind of responses that I've had show me that you are my kind of people and it's really nice to find you even though in real life it would be almost impossible to do so.

So I'm very grateful to have access to this place which is the one thing that makes doing time bearable.

 

[OkRad]

I am sad to see how many Aspies who are older are in dire straits. Not too long ago, a person could make a little bit of money and still have some kind of housing.

I am glad you found us. I would love to see some of your writing if you want to share. I used to write. Maybe I will try again one day.

 

[SimonSays]

I am sad to see how many Aspies who are older are in dire straits. Not too long ago, a person could make a little bit of money and still have some kind of housing.

I am glad you found us. I would love to see some of your writing if you want to share. I used to write. Maybe I will try again one day.

Thank you. I would be happy to share something. Well, in many ways I already am LOL.

Currently I’m writing on my phone. I make an audio recording and then I use a transcribing app to turn it into text. It’s not the same as getting my fingers onto a keyboard but I don’t have access to a laptop at this time which is my usual way of writing. Seems to be working though. And in many ways it’s much easier for me to speak my writing as it is to write it even though I still have to edit what comes out as The software is not 100% accurate and I also have to remember to say...full stop, comma, new paragraph, etc, which is not a natural way of speaking. Saves an awful lot of tapping on the screen though.

 

[Crossbreed]

If you are amenable to it, see if you can find a relevant church.

In my experience, these have been autism-friendly:

• Vineyard,
• Assembly of God,
• Foursquare Church

 

[Wolfsage]

Your words ring true. What your experienceing could be my future. I know too well the not truly existing feeling. Along with the no future thought s. My friend though gives me hope that there is a purpose to our time here. He says "creation is not a wasted event."

 

[SimonSays]

Your words ring true. What your experienceing could be my future. I know too well the not truly existing feeling. Along with the no future thought s. My friend though gives me hope that there is a purpose to our time here. He says "creation is not a wasted event."

yes, I’ve heard that, and it does ring true to me too at times. Thank you for reminding me of it.
It’s funny though, just when I think there is no future one can suddenly turn up. Life Does have a habit of surprising me just when I think I’ve got it all figured out.

 

[Wolfsage]

yes, I’ve heard that, and it does ring true to me too at times. Thank you for reminding me of it.
It’s funny though, just when I think there is no future one can suddenly turn up. Life Does have a habit of surprising me just when I think I’ve got it all figured out.

Not at all. My friend and I enjoy missing over these questions. It's lead too some interesting discoveries and discussions.

 

[Linda Night-owl]

I don't see a future for myself. The past is only a memory. All that exists is here and now And all I can do is Experience myself in it.

This is how I have felt since my husband passed away.

It’s funny though, just when I think there is no future one can suddenly turn up. Life Does have a habit of surprising me just when I think I’ve got it all figured out.

I can also see how this is true. Case in point, me being here, and my pursuing a diagnosis of autism/Asperger's to make sense of my life. Life is certainly full of surprises, and there's no way I could have seen this coming. It does give me hope. Maybe there are new journeys of discovery to come.

 

[unperson]

yuh, that describes my life, or non-life too! Twinned. Just at-home stuff, podcasts, chores, bit o'shopping, cooking, watering plants. I'm in my 60's so I don't want a lot to do, afternoon naps are good too! Just consider yourself retired from life, albeit little early. Retirement from life can be good. if you got a little bit of money behind you. Some people would envy our free time.

 

[Fino]

The G.O.S.P.E.L Message Explained - Life In 6 Words

 

[SimonSays]

Over the past few days I’ve felt so much better having shared myself, my perspective, once again. I have missed having somewhere to go. Somewhere I feel comfortable to be. Feel grateful having found articulate and intelligent people to interact with. A breath of fresh air.

But I know it is still a distraction. I see the thought gently revealing itself. I have to do something to pass the time. And to be creative, feel like I’m creating and expressing myself, reminds me of how things used to be. When I was told yesterday how someone had just read one of my postings out loud to her husband and her son. I was surprised and very pleased. I wrote that!

I can sustain creative energy for some time, as I have time to devote time to really getting into things, answer messages well, initiate things that make you think. This is me. It is fulfilling but not usually sustainable.

I know I could say many things. If I had a laptop with access to my writings, I could share things previously unshared. Anticipate replies, be surprised and informed and discover new things from a different perspective. All this sounds like something real to me. And yet...

It is a familiar path. An obsessive one too. Checking to see. Wanting to reply. More complicated on a phone but still possible, clearly. I’m in a high functioning state. Ready to respond. Needing to. But there’s only so many I can connect with, only so many threads I can author before it becomes too much. Before that ‘burn out’ feeling returns and I slip back into being in potential. Plenty to say if only I could say it. I can’t just make it about me.

I recognise you. You notice it. I say things as if I know you. I don’t know why but it happens this way. But if you reveal too much of your personal situation, I cannot stay. I can’t contain it. So I can’t expect you to hear mine.

And really, if I could, I would share the realest things, the things that really matter to me, of the past, just to feel like I’m there again, just to be him again, if only for another moment.