Don't know how to think about this

[Neia]

I disclosed to one of my aunts and 3 friends that I might be autistic.
My Psychiatrist said I probably am, but I still want the official diagnosis.

Anyway.

I talk to this aunt quite often, and recently have caught her looking at me with what can only be described as pity.
The way she talks to me also seems to have changed a little.

My friends treat the me same as they always did. One has a 5 year old grandson who is autistic, and the other' husband is also on the spectrum, and the 3 are also friends with each other.
So I guess they understand.

I am the same person I was since I started realising that my laziness, weirdness, coldness, etc. actually has a name. I speak the same way, laugh the same way, joke the same way... so why is my aunt treating me differently?

I'm not offended. It just feels weird.

I don't know

 

[Jumpinbare]

I'm guessing she is reevaluating all here past interactions with you, and wanting to make sure she doesn't do/say anything insensitive.

 

[Tom]

I think that must be quite common, and is one of the things to consider before revealing you are (or suspect you are) on the spectrum. There are probably multiple reasons but one I can think of is that many have a preconcieved notion about what autistic people are like which are often based on limited knowledge or stereotypes. It's not unusual for people here to share that sharing the information has brought changes to how those they informed act towards them. When it happens it's not always a bad change. It may at times just be an initial disorientation as they question if you are somehow different from the person they thought they knew.

 

[DrBadStrings]

I think Tom and Jumpinbare summed it up. I suspect your Aunt is still processing it and not sure entirely how she should behave now. If you don't need her to change or accommodate you, then maybe let her know you're still the same you, just with a better understanding of yourself.

I know my own parents are still processing the news about my own realization that I'm autistic. Given time they'll get back to their usual selves, so will your Aunt. Now the few friends/work mates I've told haven't changed. They actually told me they had already assumed I was autistic.

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe reassure your aunt that you are the same person, and you hope to continue your great relationship. Maybe she has no clear understanding of what autism means, or the different levels of it. It falls upon us to educate others at times.

 

[Outdated]

I talk to this aunt quite often, and recently have caught her looking at me with what can only be described as pity.
The way she talks to me also seems to have changed a little.

When I was starting to burn out I tried to start a discussion about some of my problems with my parents, I don't know why, they had never in my life shown me any sort of support. The mere mention of mental problems was met with scorn and derision. I never bothered to talk to them about it again.

I had exactly the same problem with a life long friend, nothing but scorn and ridicule from him. I haven't had any contact with him in about 15 years now either.

 

[Neia]

When I was starting to burn out I tried to start a discussion about some of my problems with my parents, I don't know why, they had never in my life shown me any sort of support. The mere mention of mental problems was met with scorn and derision. I never bothered to talk to them about it again.

I had exactly the same problem with a life long friend, nothing but scorn and ridicule from him. I haven't had any contact with him in about 15 years now either.

Sorry you had to go through that.
Nothing hurts more than the betrayal of those who should love you most.

 

[Outdated]

Sorry you had to go through that.
Nothing hurts more than the betrayal of those who should love you most.

Hurt was tempered by the fact that I was used to never receiving any support from them in the first place, so my expectations were never high. It did cause me to re-evaluate many other aspects of my relationship with them, and with the life long friend as well. In hindsight there was never much of a relationship there in the first place.

It didn't take me long to decide that they were likely to be more of a weight around my neck than any help and that I just didn't need that in my life. I never suffered from the desperate clingy need to have people paying attention to me and I never missed them at all after I walked away.

 

[Judge]

I learned very quickly to keep it on a "need-to-know" basis only.

Having told the two persons who I thought were closest to me. My brother and my cousin.

My brother understood somewhat, but still reacts to me as if I was NT. My cousin thinks autism doesn't really exist, and is just an excuse to garner attention of some kind.

Yes, it can all easily go sideways with someone you think you know and trust. My relationship with my cousin hasn't been the same ever since. This is someone I've known well since 1961.

 

[Neia]

I learned very quickly to keep it on a "need-to-know" basis only.

Having told the two persons who I thought were closest to me. My brother and my cousin.

My brother understood somewhat, but still reacts to me as if I was NT. My cousin thinks autism doesn't really exist, and is just an excuse to garner attention of some kind.

Yes, it can all easily go sideways with someone you think you know and trust. My relationship with my cousin hasn't been the same ever since. This is someone I've known well since 1961.

He has shown you his true face.

I once told a cousin of mine I was ashamed to be his cousin. After he shared his disgusting notion about some very horrible things that can happen to women. He did that during a family lunch, with 4 women sitting at the table.

At leadt now I know I can't trust him.

 

[Judge]

He has shown you his true face.

I once told a cousin of mine I was ashamed to be his cousin. After he shared his disgusting notion about some very horrible things that can happen to women. He did that during a family lunch, with 4 women sitting at the table.

At leadt now I know I can't trust him.

He's a she. Tragically with more than 20 years of experience in the healthcare insurance industry. So her rejection of autism altogether came as quite a shock. As if autism was a matter of attitude and not neurological considerations. Something to be deliberately marginalized.

 

[jsilver256]

Lucky you. Autism doesn't exist and I'm still lazy, weird, and cold according to my family.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Neia

It's possible that when your aunt was younger, the definition of Autism implied low intelligence, and a fairly high likelihood that people diagnosed with it would be in permanent care facilities. If so, that might explain her reaction.

ASD is impossible to accurately describe to an NT - don't try it.

But now that the cat is out of the bag, you can explain enough about your ASD, and how it affects your life.
It needs to be very carefully framed, so she realizes that you haven't changed, and also that you haven't been hiding anything.

e.g. using "masking" without some preparation is a bad idea.
The way we use it varies a lot (so if someone looks it up on the web they can easily get the wrong idea), and none of the ASD uses correspond with the standard meaning of "mask". It's just asking for someone to completely misunderstand ASD (we see it here several times a year).

 

[Roisin]

I disclosed to one of my aunts and 3 friends that I might be autistic.
My Psychiatrist said I probably am, but I still want the official diagnosis.

Anyway.

I talk to this aunt quite often, and recently have caught her looking at me with what can only be described as pity.
The way she talks to me also seems to have changed a little.

My friends treat the me same as they always did. One has a 5 year old grandson who is autistic, and the other' husband is also on the spectrum, and the 3 are also friends with each other.
So I guess they understand.

I am the same person I was since I started realising that my laziness, weirdness, coldness, etc. actually has a name. I speak the same way, laugh the same way, joke the same way... so why is my aunt treating me differently?

I'm not offended. It just feels weird.

I don't know

I think it's ace how you are embracing your identity Neia and I'm glad for you that the reactions were mostly positive .

The examples I think relate:
I told someone who is like an adopted aunt and a blood uncle, both I viewed as quite trustworthy.

The 'aunt' is probably Autistic but would not be likely to recognise it in herself, my uncle is also Autistic but didn't see himself as meeting the threshold for a diagnosis.

Jeekers, I'm not sure how to make this more concise...

The 'Aunt' worked in inclusive education, and spent many days afterwards looking at me like she was reevaluating the past, I met doubt, disbelief, sadness, regret and then curiosity followed by a reevaluation of many past students. It took patience, but I know this lady would not purposly cause pain or hurt. Eventually she came out the other side (5/6 months later, I dont physically meet her very often) and grew out of the "aren't you just amazing" mode that she was stuck on.

My uncle, same reaction, but the doubt and reframing lasted longer. I don't see him much in person either, but the doubt was still there in later visits.
We spoke about my grandfather, who was clearly autistic and my younger cousins who are also Autistic some of whom were disgnosed in childhood.

The difference between them is that I rather suspect he slipped my information to my aunt, the mother of some of the Autistic cousins... I don't mind that, if I had a relationship with her I might have shared it with her.

The problem now is that my massive extended family also seem to know, no one has said anything as such, but I have caught some very odd looks from NT cousins and another cousin who is Autistic shared a joking moment with me and my husband (also Autistic) about 'the 3 of us' being Autistic.

With a bit of time your Aunt, if she loves you for real, will come out the other side of whatever she is processing.

Alternatively you could do what I had to do with my mum, which was include the word Autistic every time we spoke as many times as I could.

Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I know my own parents are still processing the news about my own realization that I'm autistic. Given time they'll get back to their usual selves, so will your Aunt. Now the few friends/work mates I've told haven't changed. They actually told me they had already assumed I was autistic.

When I told my mom, a long time registered nurse, I had to explain the levels, high support vs low support, etc.. I have an autistic cousin slightly older than me who has lived in an institution most of his life. That was her idea of autism. After I explained it all, she was fine with it. She knew I was different, she just hadn't known that the autism spectrum included me.

 

[All-Rounder]

Who knows, but whatever it is enjoy the silence (while it lasts).