Don't know if I should be here.....

[Yorkshireyummymummy]

hello, I don't know if I'm allowed here or not. I'm not autistic in the slightest. Oh I have a bit of OCD That gets worse as I get older but I think most people have little quirks. But my husband of 12 years who is 48 years old was , last year, diagnosed as being high functioning autistic. He had previously had diagnosis of social phobia, agaraphobia, depression.......I'm sure you will know what I mean. But his behaviour sometimes is terrible and I don't know if it's the autism or if it is just him and I'm utterly demented with him. I feel incredibly lonely. Terribly alone in my marriage. He has a vicious temper which just blows and he rants at me and our daughter. There's often a trigger. Tomorrow we are supposed to be going to London for two nights, concert, bit of sightseeing, nice meal in china town etc. I am pretty sure this is why he has just blown up. It has happened every single time before we have ever gone anywhere. But it's just awful, he screams terrible things and makes me feel awful. I suppose what I'm looking for is this- are there any other spouses of autistic people here? And does anybody else recognise this behaviour?

 

[tree]

 

[xudo]

Welcome

I don't know if it's the autism or if it is just him

In my personal opinion, these are the same thing. I wouldn't be the same person I am in any way, if I didn't have ASD.

But it's just awful, he screams terrible things and makes me feel awful.

This however, is not OK. Nobody, regardless of whether they are NT or on the spectrum should ever treat people they care about in this way. While it may be that he is blowing up out of frustration stemming from issues with autism or a meltdown or whatever, that in no way makes it acceptable.

There are people who are NT and in relationships with people on the spectrum/suspected to be on the spectrum who come here looking for answers and advice. I'm not entirely sure though how many of them stay long though, so maybe have a look in the love and relationships section. You may get some replies from people in similar situations, and you may also find some help through reading threads started by people looking for some of the same answers you are.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Welcome.

There's CBT therapy you can self refer yourself for for anger on the NHS. If might help him. I did CBT for anxiety and that helped me a bit, it certainly made me realise I had a legitimate problem and it wasn't me being weak etc. CBT is one of the better forms of therapy for autistic people because they're based on logic and that's how a lot of autistic people think like.

 

[toothless]

hi yorkshireyummymummy,welcome to AC, you are welcome here.

Welcome.

There's CBT therapy you can self refer yourself for for anger on the NHS. If might help him. I did CBT for anxiety and that helped me a bit, it certainly made me realise I had a legitimate problem and it wasn't me being weak etc. CBT is one of the better forms of therapy for autistic people because they're based on logic and that's how a lot of autistic people think like.

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just a thought southern comfort,but i wonder would some sessions of DBT help this chap as it is about understanding and regulating your emotions,it might have been designed for people with borderline PD, but i know there has been research into its helpfulness for autists.
ive got DBT apps on my phone and they help me.

like xudo said,what he is saying is unaceptable and he needs support to get him to change how he outputs his feelings.
my dad is an aspie [informally diagnosed] and he was the same,he has chilled out a lot now though.
its hard to tell someone with autism they had said bad things during a meltdown as they often will not have a clue what they said, we go into a trance like state during meltdowns;i guess its the brains way of distancing ourselves from the situation and we let rip either on others or ourselves.

if someone told me i had been nasty [verbally or physically] during a meltdown,id explain i would never say or do those things when calm but i did do it so i am sorry for hurting/scaring you.
this guy needs to learn etiquette of post meltdown behavior and how to help people who have been hurt,he certainly needs specialist support i think.

 

[NeoPhile]

Welcome to Aspies Central! You are certainly welcome here, even if you're not on the spectrum.
As far as his husband, one thing you have to understand is that when you ask the question "Is it autism or is it just him?", you're really asking a question that doesn't make sense. Autism makes up your entire personality, and there is little distinction between the autism and the person. Autism is not an appendage, as it has been said. I have little fondness for people who use their autism as an excuse to be rude to people. People should be treated with respect, period. He doesn't get to yell at people. Tell him that this is not acceptable behavior and that he needs to change. If he can't, divorce him or something.

 

[Yorkshireyummymummy]

Gosh! Thank you all so much for replying. It's so nice to know that there are people out there who can relate to and understand what I'm talking about. Although my family and my husband's family try they still think he is deliberately ' being difficult and arkward' because he wants to be- they don't understand how his brain thinks completely differently to theirs. And I must ask for your forgiveness when I said " I don't know if it's the autism or just him ". What I was trying to say was does his autism make him behave like this? Is this a regular 'symptom' of autism just as his lack of empathy is? Or is this terrible rage something that would be in him even if he wasn't autistic? I certainly am not criticising his autism - I love him very much just the way he is but I would love to take away this ranting and raging at me as I don't think it brings anything to the table for either of us. I wouldn't change him and make him non autistic though as he wouldn't be the man I fell in love with would he? I don't see his autism as a separate part of him, it's just him. I'm going to ask the GP what we can do about this anger. We were supposed to be going to London tomorrow for two nights. Tickets bought for two events.......so I'm pulling my daughter out of school and taking her instead. He has a ' meltdown' before we do anything. Every time for the last 14 years. Every trip, every holiday, all of my birthdays, most Mother's Day, nearly every visit to the cinema/ swimming baths...........I expect them now but I didn't think he would back out of this one as it was built round something he wanted. So my 9 year old and I will be watching the Who at the Royal Albert Hall tomorrow and I will be broken hearted because he isn't there. Do any other HF autistic people here suffer like this? I think it's because he is anxious about leaving the house but I don't understand why he doesn't feel these ' episodes' coming and prepare for it thus saving us all from stress and upset. Does anybody else feel like he does? Thank you all so much X

 

[pax]

Welcome.
Not sure about Aspergers and personality being inseperable : If you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie. We have different personalities, like everyone else. Some here are quiet and shy, some extroverts. Some admit they don't have much empathy, others have more than average etc. It does, however, colour our experience of the world, as we often are more sensitive to noise, taste, texture, crowds etc. We also often have problems navigating social situations, and understanding "hints" or knowing when we are being manipulated - to our detriment. This can result in social phobias, anxiety and depression.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

just a thought southern comfort,but i wonder would some sessions of DBT help this chap as it is about understanding and regulating your emotions,it might have been designed for people with borderline PD, but i know there has been research into its helpfulness for autists.

There apparently is some success with a modified version of DBT for people with autism. But I wouldn't think that's an easy thing to get on the NHS given this guy's circumstances. CBT will probably be the only thing really on offer. But I might be wrong if they push hard enough. He would most likely have to go private for that since I don't think it's a routine therapy to use for autistic people.

 

[toothless]

There apparently is some success with a modified version of DBT for people with autism. But I wouldn't think that's an easy thing to get on the NHS given this guy's circumstances. CBT will probably be the only thing really on offer. But I might be wrong if they push hard enough. He would most likely have to go private for that since I don't think it's a routine therapy to use for autistic people.

damn,thats a shame,ive even heard some people with BPD complain they cant get DBT on the NHS,but its a very valid and useful form of therapy.
i think the DBT apps on android can be useful and i recommend them for yorkshireyummymummy,you just search DBT on the google play store and it should bring up the apps and it allows you to pretty much give yourself DBT on the go.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

ive even heard some people with BPD complain they cant get DBT on the NHS,but its a very valid and useful form of therapy.

In a way that's how it should be. Unlike just taking pills, therapy requires you to dedicate yourself to it - to want to change. If you have to fight to get it that perhaps shows that the person has had enough of living like that do and they're seriously wanting to change. Just a bit of devil's advocate for you.

CBT is still a very useful therapy for autistic people though. After all, DBT is based off of CBT.

 

[spaceman]

If he feels the victim, then he feels rightly angry at the time.
Sometimes people close to me annoy me so much if they 'disagree' with my method in thinking. Maybe find a way a code word or something when your going to suggest or change a plan etc.
My gf and I do a thumbs up sign before our wires get crossed. When suggesting.

Also it may not be the gig, or event itself it could be that his mind is all over the place shooting in all directions.
If he's procrastinated the finer things in the build up like.. haircut, clean clothes, emotionaly prepared, babysitter, and other misc. Things that involve going, then it will all build up and right up to shortly before, there's no way to get them done it time, he's Done this to himself again.. resentment, unfairness stress, and boom... that's how it can go with me.. just thought it may help in future. J