dont know what's going on with daughter in law

[Pats]

We've had a wonderful relationship for over 25 years. She immediately became part of the family and we quickly became best friends. Even moving in here, she said he friends would ask if it created problems and she would answer not at all, she loved me being here. There has never been even a hint of disagreement between us. Not only do we live in the same house (but separate areas) we typically shop together, go out to eat together, travel, whatever.

Just recently she suddenly is seeming fake and I'm feeling she might be resentful but I'm not sure why. Here's some of the things I'm wondering about.

1.Don't know if you remember a tattoo design my grandson requested that I designed and he loved it and was anxious to get it- he was wanting to incorporate me into his tattoo. After his mom talked to him, he said he was going to find a different design. I figured she just would prefer him having something with her mom instead and I was fine and let it go.

2.She started standing me up often - making plans and then doing what we had planned to do with someone else instead and then apologizing afterward.

3.I know she has not been totally honest with me when she's asked me to do her family a favor and there be more to it than I was aware. She'd claim she didn't know it would involve more, but I figured out otherwise. Like sitting at the hospital with her mom so "her sister could go to work" when her mom mentioned to me that she was grateful I was able to stay with her so 'the sister' could go home and get some rest. (It was known to everyone ahead of time that I'd be there all day).

4. Now I've been talking for over a month about next week - that I'll be babysitting and might possibly have to take these two grandkids home to Charlotte during the week (they don't like being away from mom too much). Well, I would need their help with my dogs when I do take them home (one of the boys will usually stay down here with the dogs - plus they enjoy feeling like it's their own space when they do).. It has been working out because they were all going to the beach this current week and would be home for next week (I'd be taking care of their dog this week). Even Sunday we were talking about it and she had said she had taken all this week off but was going to go ahead and work Mon and Tues (past) and she'd like to go with me and my daughter next Monday but probably couldn't get off work next week.
Last night she tells me that they have changed plans and will all be gone next week. Then she was like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I know you had plans next week." Yes, I planned to help my daughter out so she could work. I talked to my daughter this morning and told her so she'll still bring the kids here, but the change will be that if they need to go home sooner I can't take them home and that she will have to come back to get them.

5. I'm wondering if it's having anything to do with my son. I don't see and talk to him that much - he's always working and when he is home, I'm still down here and he's either outside working or upstairs playing his video game. But she'll say she don't know how to talk to him - like she's not allowed to ask him any more what time he thinks he'll be home from work because when he gives her a time something always goes wrong and it's later, so he says she jinx's it. (He's being funny kinda). So she called (on car speaker) and was saying she knows not to ask him, but, well, did he think he might be home, or ……. I got a little impatient and blurted out - "She wants to know if she should cook supper tonight" and he answered yes. Not THAT hard. And then when she's telling one of her work stories about who did this and who said that and goes off in every direction, he'll get frustrated and tell her to stop. But I know how to carry a conversation with him. I can't help that after 25 years she hasn't learned to and I guess I can because we're both on the spectrum and don't drag on and on about things. It's not often we have a conversation - probably not even once a month, whereas she talks to him every night - so I don't see why it should be a problem, but maybe it is?

6. I also noticed a couple nights ago when she was telling me she was worried about her 20 year old son because he's always working with his dad and doesn't seem to have a social life. I was trying to ease her mind and said, "It's okay. Some people don't need or just don't want to go out with friends every night or every weekend." She got short with me and said that 'my son' wasn't ALWAYS unsociable. I just sat here a bit dumbfounded wondering what brought my son into the conversation. So she went upstairs and I just sat here trying to figure out what had just happened.

I need some thoughts. Keep in mind that I do not go upstairs unless I'm invited to eat with them so I do not intrude in any way. She comes down here when she wants to talk to me or whatever. If any of them wants something from me they come down here to me. She has even told her friends before that it's hardly noticeable that I'm even here. (that's me and my autism. ) Oh, and it is becoming obvious that she is no longer enjoying mine and my son's pranks on each other so I've stopped that.

 

[Gracey]

Do you and your son still enjoy your pranks on each other?

I'm guessing you just want to be helpful, do the right thing, look after your own ?
What about the things you like and enjoy Pats?
They matter too, right?

I was useless with my own daughter in law so I daren't try to offer any wisdom in that area.
I could advise how NOT to go about things

I do wonder, by what you've written,
If you have become so reliable, dependable and understanding (about plan changes) that you're giving the impression it's always okay if you're overlooked, not invited or let down at the last minute.
When you may feel quite differently about it happening on a regular basis.

If you're not one for naturally letting others know exactly how you're feeling about a certain situation,
Try another way.
Let her know you miss spending time with her like you used to, and ask if everything is okay?

Feel like you haven't had chance to have a catch up with her?

 

[Pats]

Do you and your son still enjoy your pranks on each other?

I'm guessing you just want to be helpful, do the right thing, look after your own ?
What about the things you like and enjoy Pats?
They matter too, right?

I was useless with my own daughter in law so I daren't try to offer any wisdom in that area.
I could advise how NOT to go about things

I do wonder, by what you've written,
If you have become so reliable, dependable and understanding (about plan changes) that you're giving the impression it's always okay if you're overlooked, not invited or let down at the last minute.
When you may feel quite differently about it happening on a regular basis.

If you're not one for naturally letting others know exactly how you're feeling about a certain situation,
Try another way.
Let her know you miss spending time with her like you used to, and ask if everything is okay?

Feel like you haven't had chance to have a catch up with her?

Pranks - the other day he pranked me and her together, sending a text picture of him laying in a hospital bed saying he'd be late. He was working at a hospital and was fine. She got a little irritated and told him not to include her in our pranks. I haven't done one since gluing a hive to where he hangs his keys in his office. But it's been a while.

I'm sure my compliance and not always telling people when they've upset me does make it easier for others to cancel and overlook and all - but still feel there is something more going on.
I actually could kick myself sometimes because of the above, because I have not made myself important enough or at all, and with all my kids let it be that their inlaw mom's can come first.

And I have been missing my time with my daughter in law.

 

[GadAbout]

It's impossible to know for sure, from this remove, but I do have a hunch. She is growing disenchanted with her husband (your son) and that naturally overflows into her relations with you.

It's even possible that there is something more serious going on in their marriage. When I hear about a husband having to work late frequently, I think "affair?" Even if there isn't one, your DIL may be wondering the same thing!

I'm afraid there is little you can do to improve the relationship with her, if the above is true, because in fact you are not the root of the problem - something else is. You can maintain a friendly demeanor with her, but I suggest you rely on her less and also accommodate her less - for instance that thing with sitting in the hospital with her mother, or when you take on a favor that turns out to be more complicated than it seemed at first - set limits such as "I can only sit with your mother until noon," or "the last favor I did you turned out to be more demanding, so this time, I'll have to say no."

If she has been taking advantage of you, and it seems to me she has been, she may feel a pang of guilt that could be making her uneasy with you. The remedy would be only to let her take advantage of you to the extent that you really want to - or even a little less than you really want to. Then she would have less to feel guilty about.

Good luck, and as Gracey wrote, I'm not much of a success story where daughters-in-law are concerned - so buyer beware!

 

[Pats]

It's impossible to know for sure, from this remove, but I do have a hunch. She is growing disenchanted with her husband (your son) and that naturally overflows into her relations with you.

It's even possible that there is something more serious going on in their marriage. When I hear about a husband having to work late frequently, I think "affair?" Even if there isn't one, your DIL may be wondering the same thing!

I'm afraid there is little you can do to improve the relationship with her, if the above is true, because in fact you are not the root of the problem - something else is. You can maintain a friendly demeanor with her, but I suggest you rely on her less and also accommodate her less - for instance that thing with sitting in the hospital with her mother, or when you take on a favor that turns out to be more complicated than it seemed at first - set limits such as "I can only sit with your mother until noon," or "the last favor I did you turned out to be more demanding, so this time, I'll have to say no."

If she has been taking advantage of you, and it seems to me she has been, she may feel a pang of guilt that could be making her uneasy with you. The remedy would be only to let her take advantage of you to the extent that you really want to - or even a little less than you really want to. Then she would have less to feel guilty about.

Good luck, and as Gracey wrote, I'm not much of a success story where daughters-in-law are concerned - so buyer beware!

Thanks. Affair and suspicion of such is definitely out. My son has his son working for him and with him. Not saying their marriage is perfect - it's not. I know because I'm usually the one she'd talk to with her complaints. Although she does get irritated with my son for his seemingly distance sometimes.
But you guys are giving me some things to consider.

 

[shysnail]

Have you been living together a long time, or is it a more recent thing? I wonder if some of it could be to do with the transition between the relationship you might have with a family member you like, but only seen now and then, versus someone you live with? After all, when you live with someone, you tend to take their company for granted more, as well as relying on them to do things for you more.

To that point, it does also seem like your daughter-in-law is taking you for granted that you will do things for her. Stuff like the not telling you you would be at the hospital all day (if I understood that right) sounds a lot like she's taking advantage of you and your kindness.

As others have said though, and you suspect yourself, perhaps she's struggling in her marriage to your son and some of those feelings are spilling out over into her relationship with you. In-law relationships are always going to be more fraught just because of that interconnection to another relationship.

 

[Judge]

Primarily this sounds like you are just experiencing a certain amount of "fallout" from your daughter-in-law over something regarding her husband (your son). Just not sure you'd want to candidly make inquiries about such a thing directly to your son.

The only alternate- and perhaps remote possibility I can imagine would be that it is something having to do with yourself and your daughter-in-law. Again perhaps something to candidly run past your son if you think it is the right thing to do.

I know with my family that my mother was very reticent to get involved in the relationships of either of her sons on general principle.

Complex social dynamics either way. My condolences.

 

[Mary Terry]

Maybe you guys need your own homes, separate and apart. You know that old saying 'familiarity breeds contempt'. Since you have had a good relationship with her over the years, just ask her if anything is bothering her that she would like to discuss with you. If she denies there are any problems, then accept that at face value and keep on doing what you do.

I have a daughter-in-law and 2 sons-in law. We all get along just fine but I don't do things like sit with their mothers or fathers in the hospital. That is over-reaching, in my opinion. They need to get their own blood relatives or hire a sitter to stay with their parents. I hired a hospital sitter for my mother many years ago when I couldn't get off work and there was no other family member available to be with her.

You need to set some boundaries, and I wouldn't announce what the boundaries are - I'd just politely decline to do anything I felt was too much to ask of me. Let her figure out the boundaries on her own.

And, Pats, I've learned to limit how much babysitting I'm willing to do for my grandkids because I started to feel that I was being taken for granted. I raised my own kids and damned if I'm going to raise their children for them. My husband and I, both recently retired, treasure our time alone and our travel trips with each other. Frankly, I don't want to go on vacation with the grandkids because I like being on my own time schedule and doing my own things, not catering to children. If that makes me a bad grandmother, then so be it.

 

[Pats]

Have you been living together a long time, or is it a more recent thing? I wonder if some of it could be to do with the transition between the relationship you might have with a family member you like, but only seen now and then, versus someone you live with? After all, when you live with someone, you tend to take their company for granted more, as well as relying on them to do things for you more.

To that point, it does also seem like your daughter-in-law is taking you for granted that you will do things for her. Stuff like the not telling you you would be at the hospital all day (if I understood that right) sounds a lot like she's taking advantage of you and your kindness.

As others have said though, and you suspect yourself, perhaps she's struggling in her marriage to your son and some of those feelings are spilling out over into her relationship with you. In-law relationships are always going to be more fraught just because of that interconnection to another relationship.

I've been here about 5 years. Yes, I know she takes advantage and I usually don't mind, unless it ends up entailing way more than I thought.
You know what? Maybe I'm just beginning to see her in brighter light? Like the trip out west last summer, she insisted I go. Oooohh. That's why she was equally upset with me when she had to fly home alone - she wanted me to go and fly out with her to meet the boys in Denver so she wouldn't have to fly alone (she didn't have as much time off work as they did). No one in her family travels. But coming home the flight got cancelled and she got another flight but I remained with the boys driving home. She was mad at everyone. But also, on the trip she used me to try to get my son to do more things she would want to do, thinking he'd be more apt to do it for me, which he wasn't. Which I did reserve a couple nights in a room in Jackson Hole for me and her to shop while the boys did something else. I was content with that. I'm like my son, in which I enjoy driving and looking at the scenery. But a few times she'd say to my son, "You're mom doesn't want to...." and it was not the case. And maybe I'm just realizing that she does lie sometimes and insincere sometimes. Thanks, all you guys, because you helped me think about things in a way that I think has led me to maybe see it's not really anything new, just opening my eyes.

And, Pats, I've learned to limit how much babysitting I'm willing to do for my grandkids because I started to feel that I was being taken for granted. I raised my own kids and damned if I'm going to raise their children for them. My husband and I, both recently retired, treasure our time alone and our travel trips with each other. Frankly, I don't want to go on vacation with the grandkids because I like being on my own time schedule and doing my own things, not catering to children. If that makes me a bad grandmother, then so be it.

Thanks for saying that - I've always felt a little guilty for having that same attitude. The ones coming next week - it's a first overnight, which is why I wanted to be prepared to take them home sooner if I needed to.

 

[Peter Morrison]

Pats - I know you to be very kind and accommodating, but this daughter-in-law is taking all of your goodness for granted. I also think she loves to create drama. I think you would do well to be less accommodating and more insistent on boundaries. Don't discuss her relationship with your son unless you want to be in the middle of it all. Not advised. I suspect this woman to be more interested in gossip than true family relationships if she doesn't ask her son about his social life to his face directly. You seem to be the convenient sounding board for her own ineptitude. If the way she acts toward you is anything like the way she acts to your son, I see why he works late. Stay away from that story too. The fact that she lies about the reasons to need your help tells me that she clearly knows how manipulative she is and she knows right from wrong, yet has no problem indulging her conveniences at your expense. Start saying "no" to her, just because you can. She doesn't appreciate you at all. Protect your personal interests - you deserve that.

 

[tducey]

It might be best if she moves out. I think it'd be nice for you both if she were to move out. Living under the same roof might not be the best idea for all that long.

 

[paloftoon]

. . .

You need to set some boundaries, and I wouldn't announce what the boundaries are - I'd just politely decline to do anything I felt was too much to ask of me. Let her figure out the boundaries on her own.

. . .

I'd like to add that if she specifically asks you what certain boundaries are, then that gives you the room to actually tell her anyway. It's a tough balance between being polite and standing up for yourself, but you must consider either option as you interact with her until the relationship has improved (don't expect it to.)

 

[Pats]

I'm still babysitting - they go home today. But these two littles have been sooo good.
My DIL did ask before they left if I'd take care of the dog and I told her I could not. I really can't. The dog barks at the kids and if I'm out of my granddaughter's sight she starts getting upset. But really?? Change plans so you can't help me out as planned, then ask me to take care of your dog instead? It did feel good to say no.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I'm still babysitting - they go home today. But these two littles have been sooo good.
My DIL did ask before they left if I'd take care of the dog and I told her I could not. I really can't. The dog barks at the kids and if I'm out of my granddaughter's sight she starts getting upset. But really?? Change plans so you can't help me out as planned, then ask me to take care of your dog instead? It did feel good to say no.

Once you've qualified as a person who says NO

Its time to sign you up to my advanced course.

Involving hand gestures and swearing.

You will soon achieve mastery