Drinking poison and hoping it hurts others.

[Metalhead]

I am very good at that.

I have to accept that taking care of my own well-being is not the worst thing in the world I could possibly be up to.

I have to stop seeking external validation.

I have to be my own source of comfort.

If I can’t take of myself, I will never be able to take care of another.

 

[Suzette]

If I can’t take of myself, I will never be able to take care of another.

You can absolutely take care of another even if you don't take care of yourself. But you have to actually be around to do so.

It's really weird, but if you start caring for yourself with the same care and love you do others, you stop needing "validation" at all. Well, at least that is the way it worked for me.

 

[Fino]

One of my favorite things about not needing external validation is that when someone says something untrue or negative about you, you remain unaffected and grounded in your state of self-assurance.

 

[Thinx]

Abusers actively teach their victims to self harm, in varied ways. They train the child or person to hurt themselves and to believe abuse is their own fault and that they are worthless. They set up this dynamic because it feels safer to them, with less likelihood the child or person will tell others about the abuse.

It's sadly not too hard for them to set this up, and to maintain the abuse to a level where the person is trapped in self loathing and fear. The child or person may learn to display wounds or to attack themselves in an effort to make the abuser feel bad. But as the abusers are sadists it doesn't make them feel bad, they enjoy producing these effects.

Exactly as you say, the survivor can decide instead to take care of their own well being. The abuser knew all along what they were doing was wrong. They are not going to start caring or understand or admit their abuse. They are liars who will keep on lying to themselves and to others.

Dump the abuser. Love yourself.

 

[Aspychata]

Abusers actively teach their victims to self harm, in varied ways. They train the child or person to hurt themselves and to believe abuse is their own fault and that they are worthless. They set up this dynamic because it feels safer to them, with less likelihood the child or person will tell others about the abuse.

It's sadly not too hard for them to set this up, and to maintain the abuse to a level where the person is trapped in self loathing and fear. The child or person may learn to display wounds or to attack themselves in an effort to make the abuser feel bad. But as the abusers are sadists it doesn't make them feel bad, they enjoy producing these effects.

Exactly as you say, the survivor can decide instead to take care of their own well being. The abuser knew all along what they were doing was wrong. They are not going to start caring or understand or admit their abuse. They are liars who will keep on lying to themselves and to others.

Dump the abuser. Love yourself.

Sometimes the abusers were abused themselves,so it's easy for them to do it to others, then take responsibility for working on themselves. It's the norm for abusers.

 

[Aspychata]

Abusers actively teach their victims to self harm, in varied ways. They train the child or person to hurt themselves and to believe abuse is their own fault and that they are worthless. They set up this dynamic because it feels safer to them, with less likelihood the child or person will tell others about the abuse.

It's sadly not too hard for them to set this up, and to maintain the abuse to a level where the person is trapped in self loathing and fear. The child or person may learn to display wounds or to attack themselves in an effort to make the abuser feel bad. But as the abusers are sadists it doesn't make them feel bad, they enjoy producing these effects.

Exactly as you say, the survivor can decide instead to take care of their own well being. The abuser knew all along what they were doing was wrong. They are not going to start caring or understand or admit their abuse. They are liars who will keep on lying to themselves and to others.

Dump the abuser. Love yourself.

Some of us have less financial choices in life and we are forced into situations that are better then being by ourselves. Older woman face this predicament 24/7.

 

[SusanLR]

Some of us have less financial choices in life and we are forced into situations that are better then being by ourselves. Older woman face this predicament 24/7.

Two towns up, agrees completely.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You can absolutely take care of another even if you don't take care of yourself. But you have to actually be around to do so.

It's really weird, but if you start caring for yourself with the same care and love you do others, you stop needing "validation" at all. Well, at least that is the way it worked for me.

That is so very powerful. Being responsible for my own happiness is something I thought I learned long ago but having to relearn it now after being hijacked by PTSD.

 

[Suzette]

That is so very powerful. Being responsible for my own happiness is something I thought I learned long ago but having to relearn it now after being hijacked by PTSD.

Oh validation is fine and dandy. But don't forget the actual important part (I am speaking at you @Metalhead),
Self care, and self soothing, self love

By this I mean you have to stop with the crap self talk. The blaming, recrimations, name calling and all the ways you self sabotage your emotional wellbeing.

Treat yourself with love and then you will feel validated. Or maybe that meaning is clear already and I am repeating myself pointlessly. But you can be self validating in your beliefs and causes without ever giving up self loathing.

In fact, it makes me feel good to say it. So I'll say it again. You must give up self loathing and treat yourself with all the care and love you would give a little baby.

 

[Aspychata]

I second that. You have come really far. You have broken the chains that imprisoned you and conditioned you year after year to accept and even seek the reward of gaslighting abusive techniques of your mom and her flying monkeys. You do have some days of wanting to creep back to that normal but on the other hand, it's more free to be you now despite the horrible covid aftermath. We all support this excellent change of you reclaiming your life.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Seeking Validation from others can be damaging. I think I have mentioned that after her divorce from a man who constantly had affairs, my spouse did not feel desirable, and seeking relationships where she wanted her desirability to be validated she ended up feeling used by men. As her libido has waned as we age, I have felt less desired by her though she still accepts me, and that had created issues for me as I would enjoy to have my desirability validated, but I will not seek that outside of our marriage. As I deal with that, which dredges up all sorts of negative self images from the past, I am working more to enjoy the love that her acceptance reveals to me and see that as an internally driven validation I was seeking.

 

[Metalhead]

I second that. You have come really far. You have broken the chains that imprisoned you and conditioned you year after year to accept and even seek the reward of gaslighting abusive techniques of your mom and her flying monkeys. You do have some days of wanting to creep back to that normal but on the other hand, it's more free to be you now despite the horrible covid aftermath. We all support this excellent change of you reclaiming your life.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, just last weekend my mother tried to make me feel guilty over something that happened 20 years ago. I was in a long-distance relationship, and whenever I flew out to meet this man, I refused to give my mother his phone number. My mother decided to go on and on last weekend about how she would stay up all night worried I would end up "being a statistic" or "being stuffed in a suitcase and left on the side of the road" because I did not give her my long-distance relationship's phone number. I decided not to take that bait, because I remember all of the inappropriate questions she asked me after I returned from my first visit with this guy (she was literally demanding to know what sex acts I engaged with him, and then she started crying and playing the victim when I told her she had no right to know that). I basically coldly replied with, "I am sorry you feel that way," and left it at that.

 

[Aspychata]

Wow. I am shocked. Your mother truly has no boundaries in her emotional manipulation of you. She is a complete control freak. Guess you just need to steer clear of controlling friends and life partners. Sometimes we seek out the same because we had a lifetime of it.

 

[Metalhead]

Wow. I am shocked. Your mother truly has no boundaries in her emotional manipulation of you. She is a complete control freak. Guess you just need to steer clear of controlling friends and life partners. Sometimes we seek out the same because we had a lifetime of it.

Yeah, my mother admits she feels very sad that I refuse to give her any of my friends' phone numbers, but on the other hand, she proudly brags about how she harassed one of my therapists in the past and got a restraining order against her because my therapist was telling me to do the exact opposite of what she wanted me to do with my life. My mother claims she almost lost her job and her freedom "because she loves me". She sees nothing wrong with any of that at all. So now, when my mother brags about that, I let it go in one of my ears and out the other.

 

[Aspychata]

If that is a mother's love, - you couldn't leave fast enough. There are a lot of men that had horrible moms that ended up as serial killers. So your foray into a unhealthy life choice is understandable. And your new choice to love yourself and your voice to stand up for yourself is very important. I had to really work on boundaries, my own and boundaries of anyone new l meet. This has helped and l find less need to medicate which involved overspending.

 

[Metalhead]

If that is a mother's love, - you couldn't leave fast enough. There are a lot of men that had horrible moms that ended up as serial killers. So your foray into a unhealthy life choice is understandable. And your new choice to love yourself and your voice to stand up for yourself is very important. I had to really work on boundaries, my own and boundaries of anyone new l meet. This has helped and l find less need to medicate which involved overspending.

Yeah, my mother's "love" always involved telling me that she always felt I should bend over backwards for the people who hurt me or took advantage of me, because they were all truly unhappy people. My mother is proud of the fact that she always told me I should try to be friendly with the bullies who beat me up at school because they were unhappy kids and I had no right to have any opinion about the bruises they gave me. No wonder I grew up thinking I did not deserve to have any personal boundaries. My family is incredibly toxic.

I want to eat a healthy diet, work out at the gym every day, ride a bicycle on trails, hang with my healthy 12 step friends, stick to a reasonable fiscal budget, and not bend over backwards for anybody who wishes to treat me like a doormat ever again. I will not let my family use guilt and shame to keep me from living my life the way I want to now. If I want to write a film blog and update it every week, what is stopping me from doing that now? Nothing, despite my mother's protests that it is a waste of time.

 

[Aspychata]

It truly takes time to discover ourself after we lived so long in the shadows of abuse. You and l can't afford to be shadows anymore.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Yeah, as a matter of fact, just last weekend my mother tried to make me feel guilty over something that happened 20 years ago. I was in a long-distance relationship, and whenever I flew out to meet this man, I refused to give my mother his phone number. My mother decided to go on and on last weekend about how she would stay up all night worried I would end up "being a statistic" or "being stuffed in a suitcase and left on the side of the road" because I did not give her my long-distance relationship's phone number. I decided not to take that bait, because I remember all of the inappropriate questions she asked me after I returned from my first visit with this guy (she was literally demanding to know what sex acts I engaged with him, and then she started crying and playing the victim when I told her she had no right to know that). I basically coldly replied with, "I am sorry you feel that way," and left it at that.

That is sad. My mother was smothering when I was young, but my family understood that after 18 my job was a good education and becoming independent. Both were hard, but learning to gain agency set the stage for chagnging myself that I started at age 25.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Oh validation is fine and dandy. But don't forget the actual important part (I am speaking at you @Metalhead),
Self care, and self soothing, self love

By this I mean you have to stop with the crap self talk. The blaming, recrimations, name calling and all the ways you self sabotage your emotional wellbeing.

Treat yourself with love and then you will feel validated. Or maybe that meaning is clear already and I am repeating myself pointlessly. But you can be self validating in your beliefs and causes without ever giving up self loathing.

In fact, it makes me feel good to say it. So I'll say it again. You must give up self loathing and treat yourself with all the care and love you would give a little baby.

@Suzette , you are being so kind. The only way I can absolve myself of the hurt that I caused myself is through love and care.

 

[Suzette]

@Metalhead
You sir have me in awe.