Ice Blue Deer
Member
(I wanted a different title but I clicked on 'post' already, oops)
I joined because I've been wondering whether I have a mild form of Asperger's or not.
I'm waiting for a 'general' test to diagnose what I have. They'll test a lot of things, of which autism is one.
Since it could also be something else instead of Asperger's, I'm going to be very elaborate.
If I make any mistakes in English in this text, it's because English is not my first language.
I've been wondering about this since my problems don't seem to become less even though I'm in therapy for 6 years now. I'm still having difficulties coping in social situations, but it could also be due to something else. I do notice that I analyze people's behavior endlessly. I imitate people, also in my head, I sometimes try to be the person (when I'm alone), I act as if I am them (I also see/feel their face, as if I have their face, at that moment), and then I replay a scene and say what they have said in my head, sometimes repeating it. Just to try and uncover what it must be like to be them and what it must feel like to do that what they have done/said or which expression they showed and what it might mean. I do recognize most expressions, though. Almost every time I make an expression/gesture I exactly know who I am mimicking, who has done this before. This makes me feel like I have no identity. It's hard to know who to be and how to act. I always have to think when socializing. So afraid to make a social error. Sometimes it goes well, I try to relax and it goes better, but still things never go naturally.
I talk to myself for hours and hours and like to be in my room at home alone, safely, looking at all the stuff in my room I love, pondering about things, pondering about behavior of people, or I'm gaming.
I've never had empathy for animals. I pulled out the legs of insects and liked to catch them and shake the box until they had died. I liked the sound it made every time the bug/wasp knocked against the inside of the box and shook as hard as I could. I pulled out butterfly wings and let worms dry out in the sun or cut them up. Killed snails. I was just really interested in all these animals. I still love bugs.
I have strange ticks. I raise my upper lip towards my nose to smell it (smells nice), I move my nostrils often (a few times, many times during the day), I tap my fingers on things, I grind teeth, I count the breathing through my nose until 10 (in 2 4 6 8 10, out 2 4 6 8 10), I move my neck muscles (left, right, left, right). If I accidentally breathe on my left arm, I need to breathe on my right arm as well. It even sometimes feels like an 'invisible itch' on the right side of my ear when I used to tap on my DS on the left side too much, so I had to tap the right side just as many times to make things equal. It's not severe and I don't experience any trouble with these things at all.
Things need to be equal, often. Maybe a bit OCD-ish, but I have no fear if I don't do certain things. Just sometimes anxiety. My boyfriend stays in bed for a longer time than me during weekends, but I want us to get out at the same time, or I'll get really nervous and anxious. As well as showering, going to sleep at the same time, being equal regarding certain male/female matters/traits, ideas and more. He needs to be the same, if he's different, I can't grasp it and I need to imagine being in his place, analyzing why he's different, imagining that I'm him, trying to find something that I do that looks like what he does. Last time I kept calling him an alien because he wasn't equal when we talked about a matter, in a serious way but I was aware of that what I was doing was a bit odd. I was asking him questions while he held me close and I kept staring at the stairs, going up and down with my eyes, following the poles, its shapes and symmetry, asking the questions in fear.
The OCD-ish things become worse during periods of stress, but it's not something that bothers me.
I also notice symmetry in things and certain shapes and they automatically catch my attention, like how a shape 'goes', or 'flows', I follow it with my eyes, or how it would look in a different perspective, moving my head to make an item reach equality in that certain perspective. I do this naturally when in relaxed mode or thinking mode, but also in stressed mode.
Also at a flea market, I see objects once at a time, I cannot see everything at the same time. It's like I really need to go from object to object to see what they are. Can be annoying.
I have this love for things, for antiques, and I'm collecting porcelain animals and I feel this great affection towards my Mexican ceramics, Tonala birds, which are birds that have round shapes and hand-painted images on them. I love the round shape of the torso, one of them is my absolute favorite, I like to hold it in my hands and feel the round, adorable shape, its smoothness and its coldness. I like to act as if they are alive and I play with them, which makes me laugh and relax. I like to put up different accents (I'm really good at mimicking different accents) and say silly things.
I like to pet/hold my favorite lobster plush animal, esp when I'm stressed. It's soft and quite big, just like my other favorite plushies, my penguin, orca, whale, hippo and spider. Sometimes I feel like bringing my favorite stuff everywhere. I wish I could take my lobster plush everywhere, just to hug it and feel safe, it's the most adorable plushie in the world. But that would seem odd to others.
I remember when I was young I had this attachment to hoodies. They were my favorite things, I often held them close. I remember everything made me anxious. My mother dropped me off at a friend's house, people we knew well, taking me to school instead of my mom. Made me unbelievably anxious. I hated it. Going to school has always made me nervous. Waiting for people makes me nervous. Waiting before the bell rang used to make me nervous. Afraid to be left behind by the others.
I can go on analyzing things that worry me, so much that it makes me feel really ill. I keep on asking my boyfriend the same things but in a different way, sometimes the same questions. Every time my mind finds a new thing to worry about I need to rationalize, question and ask in detail. It can really ruin my day since it can make me really upset and distressed. I do talk it out, though. I also question his intentions a lot and ask him a lot: ''What do you mean by that? Is that a joke?'' I tend to take things seriously. Sometimes literally. Small criticism can mean the end of the world. I feel deeply humiliated when I make a (small) mistake. So afraid that people will be angry, or dislike me, or think that I'm stupid or retarded. I ask my bf: ''What do you think of me now? Do you think I'm stupid?'' He says ''Don't you know me by now? Of course not.'' Small things get a huge meaning.
I never see the whole. I am not able to see people's personalities very well, everyone is always unpredictable, even though I should know them by now. I only view their personalities by what they do and what they like. I can interact with them quite well, though, socially. I know them, but I've always felt like I had to act anyway. I never felt like I had an identity. I often don't want to be nice, I just want to do what takes the least effort. But I'm afraid others will end up hurt so I don't. I'm so hypersensitive to everything. Noises can hurt my ears, esp now when stressed and confused a lot. I have food intolerances and some allergies (perfume, hay fever, dogs) and an overly sensitive nervous system (physically and mentally).
Experiencing a lot of paranoia lately as well, but always able to rationalize in the end. It's so exhausting, though. I just think people have bad intentions when they don't. Sometimes I misinterpret people with angry eyebrows, I think they're constantly angry when they're not. My bf and mother both have a bit angry eyebrows, so I often ask what they are thinking and what they're feeling so I don't have to be scared of them being angry with me for some reason that I don't know.
I also smile when someone else smiles, even though I don't know what they're talking about.
I recently got extremely interested in autism and Asperger's because I thought my bf showed some traits, but now it's becoming clear that he's more NT than I am, even though he has traits. I can't stop thinking about Asperger's and autism, the words themselves intrigue me, they have meaning, they sound awesome when I sometimes repeat them in my head. I want to know everything about it and I'm reading about it every day. It never leaves my mind.
All is becoming clearer now, my father seems to have traits. He always rants on and on about his own interests, without seeing that others are getting bored. He doesn't have any friends, except for one which he sometimes criticizes and sees once a half year, has a lot of mood shifts, used to get anger outbursts, many misunderstandings between my mom and him, can't take criticism. When he was young he used to stare at the spinning record player for a long period of time which he thought was relaxing and got late at school because of it. He told me he also likes to imagine a spinning bike chain (he likes mountain bikes) in social situations where he needs time to think, it gives him time to think and relaxes him.
Well, thanks for reading if you did. I was just really confused and thought I might be a hypochondriac, maybe someone can relate or see things in a different perspective. I have no idea if I have mild Asperger's or not.
I joined because I've been wondering whether I have a mild form of Asperger's or not.
I'm waiting for a 'general' test to diagnose what I have. They'll test a lot of things, of which autism is one.
Since it could also be something else instead of Asperger's, I'm going to be very elaborate.
If I make any mistakes in English in this text, it's because English is not my first language.
I've been wondering about this since my problems don't seem to become less even though I'm in therapy for 6 years now. I'm still having difficulties coping in social situations, but it could also be due to something else. I do notice that I analyze people's behavior endlessly. I imitate people, also in my head, I sometimes try to be the person (when I'm alone), I act as if I am them (I also see/feel their face, as if I have their face, at that moment), and then I replay a scene and say what they have said in my head, sometimes repeating it. Just to try and uncover what it must be like to be them and what it must feel like to do that what they have done/said or which expression they showed and what it might mean. I do recognize most expressions, though. Almost every time I make an expression/gesture I exactly know who I am mimicking, who has done this before. This makes me feel like I have no identity. It's hard to know who to be and how to act. I always have to think when socializing. So afraid to make a social error. Sometimes it goes well, I try to relax and it goes better, but still things never go naturally.
I talk to myself for hours and hours and like to be in my room at home alone, safely, looking at all the stuff in my room I love, pondering about things, pondering about behavior of people, or I'm gaming.
I've never had empathy for animals. I pulled out the legs of insects and liked to catch them and shake the box until they had died. I liked the sound it made every time the bug/wasp knocked against the inside of the box and shook as hard as I could. I pulled out butterfly wings and let worms dry out in the sun or cut them up. Killed snails. I was just really interested in all these animals. I still love bugs.
I have strange ticks. I raise my upper lip towards my nose to smell it (smells nice), I move my nostrils often (a few times, many times during the day), I tap my fingers on things, I grind teeth, I count the breathing through my nose until 10 (in 2 4 6 8 10, out 2 4 6 8 10), I move my neck muscles (left, right, left, right). If I accidentally breathe on my left arm, I need to breathe on my right arm as well. It even sometimes feels like an 'invisible itch' on the right side of my ear when I used to tap on my DS on the left side too much, so I had to tap the right side just as many times to make things equal. It's not severe and I don't experience any trouble with these things at all.
Things need to be equal, often. Maybe a bit OCD-ish, but I have no fear if I don't do certain things. Just sometimes anxiety. My boyfriend stays in bed for a longer time than me during weekends, but I want us to get out at the same time, or I'll get really nervous and anxious. As well as showering, going to sleep at the same time, being equal regarding certain male/female matters/traits, ideas and more. He needs to be the same, if he's different, I can't grasp it and I need to imagine being in his place, analyzing why he's different, imagining that I'm him, trying to find something that I do that looks like what he does. Last time I kept calling him an alien because he wasn't equal when we talked about a matter, in a serious way but I was aware of that what I was doing was a bit odd. I was asking him questions while he held me close and I kept staring at the stairs, going up and down with my eyes, following the poles, its shapes and symmetry, asking the questions in fear.
The OCD-ish things become worse during periods of stress, but it's not something that bothers me.
I also notice symmetry in things and certain shapes and they automatically catch my attention, like how a shape 'goes', or 'flows', I follow it with my eyes, or how it would look in a different perspective, moving my head to make an item reach equality in that certain perspective. I do this naturally when in relaxed mode or thinking mode, but also in stressed mode.
Also at a flea market, I see objects once at a time, I cannot see everything at the same time. It's like I really need to go from object to object to see what they are. Can be annoying.
I have this love for things, for antiques, and I'm collecting porcelain animals and I feel this great affection towards my Mexican ceramics, Tonala birds, which are birds that have round shapes and hand-painted images on them. I love the round shape of the torso, one of them is my absolute favorite, I like to hold it in my hands and feel the round, adorable shape, its smoothness and its coldness. I like to act as if they are alive and I play with them, which makes me laugh and relax. I like to put up different accents (I'm really good at mimicking different accents) and say silly things.
I like to pet/hold my favorite lobster plush animal, esp when I'm stressed. It's soft and quite big, just like my other favorite plushies, my penguin, orca, whale, hippo and spider. Sometimes I feel like bringing my favorite stuff everywhere. I wish I could take my lobster plush everywhere, just to hug it and feel safe, it's the most adorable plushie in the world. But that would seem odd to others.
I remember when I was young I had this attachment to hoodies. They were my favorite things, I often held them close. I remember everything made me anxious. My mother dropped me off at a friend's house, people we knew well, taking me to school instead of my mom. Made me unbelievably anxious. I hated it. Going to school has always made me nervous. Waiting for people makes me nervous. Waiting before the bell rang used to make me nervous. Afraid to be left behind by the others.
I can go on analyzing things that worry me, so much that it makes me feel really ill. I keep on asking my boyfriend the same things but in a different way, sometimes the same questions. Every time my mind finds a new thing to worry about I need to rationalize, question and ask in detail. It can really ruin my day since it can make me really upset and distressed. I do talk it out, though. I also question his intentions a lot and ask him a lot: ''What do you mean by that? Is that a joke?'' I tend to take things seriously. Sometimes literally. Small criticism can mean the end of the world. I feel deeply humiliated when I make a (small) mistake. So afraid that people will be angry, or dislike me, or think that I'm stupid or retarded. I ask my bf: ''What do you think of me now? Do you think I'm stupid?'' He says ''Don't you know me by now? Of course not.'' Small things get a huge meaning.
I never see the whole. I am not able to see people's personalities very well, everyone is always unpredictable, even though I should know them by now. I only view their personalities by what they do and what they like. I can interact with them quite well, though, socially. I know them, but I've always felt like I had to act anyway. I never felt like I had an identity. I often don't want to be nice, I just want to do what takes the least effort. But I'm afraid others will end up hurt so I don't. I'm so hypersensitive to everything. Noises can hurt my ears, esp now when stressed and confused a lot. I have food intolerances and some allergies (perfume, hay fever, dogs) and an overly sensitive nervous system (physically and mentally).
Experiencing a lot of paranoia lately as well, but always able to rationalize in the end. It's so exhausting, though. I just think people have bad intentions when they don't. Sometimes I misinterpret people with angry eyebrows, I think they're constantly angry when they're not. My bf and mother both have a bit angry eyebrows, so I often ask what they are thinking and what they're feeling so I don't have to be scared of them being angry with me for some reason that I don't know.
I also smile when someone else smiles, even though I don't know what they're talking about.
I recently got extremely interested in autism and Asperger's because I thought my bf showed some traits, but now it's becoming clear that he's more NT than I am, even though he has traits. I can't stop thinking about Asperger's and autism, the words themselves intrigue me, they have meaning, they sound awesome when I sometimes repeat them in my head. I want to know everything about it and I'm reading about it every day. It never leaves my mind.
All is becoming clearer now, my father seems to have traits. He always rants on and on about his own interests, without seeing that others are getting bored. He doesn't have any friends, except for one which he sometimes criticizes and sees once a half year, has a lot of mood shifts, used to get anger outbursts, many misunderstandings between my mom and him, can't take criticism. When he was young he used to stare at the spinning record player for a long period of time which he thought was relaxing and got late at school because of it. He told me he also likes to imagine a spinning bike chain (he likes mountain bikes) in social situations where he needs time to think, it gives him time to think and relaxes him.
Well, thanks for reading if you did. I was just really confused and thought I might be a hypochondriac, maybe someone can relate or see things in a different perspective. I have no idea if I have mild Asperger's or not.
