Emotion, heartlessness, and all that

[Grondhammar]

Question at the end, with background:

Autism is sometimes portrayed in media as (negatively) heartless/cold, or (positively) awkward, or (more neutrally) simply unemotional.

Having lived the experience, it's anything but unemotional -- if anything, it's way too much. But I can see where the stereotype comes from:

1. I feel deeply but rarely understand my own feelings (alexithymia), let alone someone else's and have intense trouble both regulating and expressing them
2. I'm often highly focussed and during those times I don't have room in my head for other people's emotional state
3. I often shut down/dissociate if someone's expressing painful/strong feelings, due to the massive sensory/internal overwhelm
4. Having strong aversions to certain food / clothing / textures means, if those things are important to someone close to me, it can look like I don't want to support them
5. I don't have room or interest for the potential boat-rocking of emotional effort due to craving/requiring stability, routine, and settled-ness.

I feel like I could go on and list several more points that add up to someone perceiving me as either cold or unemotional.

Q: if you perceive the above (or similar) in yourself... how have you dealt with it? Do you actively block any emotional connection at all? Do you accept that people will get hurt with their expectations of you in this area? Have you found some way to work hard to overcome what most people see as a deficiency?

 

[TBRS1]

I have no problem with #1, and not many problems with #4 (unless you're talking about polyester. Ewe, gross. Even smells bad).

#5 I deal with by allowing my hermit-like tendencies to have their way with me (I'm retired, so I can get away with it).

#3 is a big one. I do get emotionally blown away, especially if somebody is suffering in some way. To deal with this, I have a "funeral face" to wear (so I don't look blank), and remember a couple of "I'm so sorry" sentences to use. It isn't that I "fake feelings," I just need to remember how to show them while I'm trying not to go blank.

On the other hand, if somebody is hollering at me, I just retreat into my mind and let them holler. They generally stop fairly soon if I don't respond and tend to walk away muttering (which I confess to finding absolutely hilarious).

 

[Dagan]

All of them, just in differing degrees depending on the level of the situation.

The whole time, the chess match mentality is in full force, as I am contemplating the options to speak / respond or just stay silent. Staying silent is what mostly makes folks probably think I am heartless in such moments. It's not the case. It's seriously more about being worried that any single thing I might say is going to be mistaken or taken horribly wrong. That's it.

 

[thejuice]

it's ironic being called robotic or inhuman, when a lot of us feel much more keenly than average. It's just not an NT-typical outward expression of emotion. We might not know the NT-typical things to say to comfort people.

So it's a judgement made from the ignorant majority when they clash with a small minority of the population, whose needs or temperament are rarely considered.

I think there is so much going on in our inner worlds that sometimes there is no room for relationships or dealing with the loud, bright, demanding, extraverted outside world!

 

[Neonatal RRT]

1. I feel deeply but rarely understand my own feelings (alexithymia), let alone someone else's and have intense trouble both regulating and expressing them

Yes

2. I'm often highly focussed and during those times I don't have room in my head for other people's emotional state

Yes

3. I often shut down/dissociate if someone's expressing painful/strong feelings, due to the massive sensory/internal overwhelm

Yes... if it is something other than grief. If they are truly expressing sadness and grief... truly in pain... a death of a loved one perhaps... I am a total mess. When my brother died of colon cancer (36yrs old and 2 small children) and my sister-in-law was just laid out in painful grief, I could not control myself. I was right there, sharing those painful emotions... interestingly not because of my personal loss, but hers. It was as confusing as it was painful. I am a mess at funerals... embarrassingly so. The same thing at work when an infant or child dies... Oh Lord!... I have got to remove myself. I have such a strong emotional empathy... music, emotional scenes in movies, a parent's reaction to something their child is going through... I can be a mess of emotions.

4. Having strong aversions to certain food / clothing / textures means, if those things are important to someone close to me, it can look like I don't want to support them

No

5. I don't have room or interest for the potential boat-rocking of emotional effort due to craving/requiring stability, routine, and settled-ness.

Yes

I feel like I could go on and list several more points that add up to someone perceiving me as either cold or unemotional.

Yes

Q: if you perceive the above (or similar) in yourself... how have you dealt with it?

Self-acceptance. It is what it is. Move on. Nothing to see here. I've got other things to occupy my thoughts with.

Do you actively block any emotional connection at all?

No. I am very open to any relationship that stimulates my intellect and gives me peace. Married nearly 40 years. Father of 2 young men. People come and go in our lives. I am happy for the experience. I am not going to dwell on the past.

Do you accept that people will get hurt with their expectations of you in this area?

Yes. Their fault for having expectations.

Have you found some way to work hard to overcome what most people see as a deficiency?

No. Self-acceptance. I do not seek nor want anyone's validation. I know I am a visiting alien disguised as a human being. Others are free to criticize and think what they want... I may or may not give them the proper facts, context, and perspective but I am not going to waste much time and effort trying to change their opinions if they have their mind set on it. I am moving on. I have a very strong independent streak combined with self-confidence... I don't need most people.

 

[Grondhammar]

Others are free to criticize and think what they want... I may or may not give them the proper facts, context, and perspective but I am not going to waste much time and effort trying to change their opinions if they have their mind set on it. I am moving on. I have a very strong independent streak combined with self-confidence... I don't need most people.

I would love to be there... working at it but it definitely does not come naturally. I can see where this would make a huge, huge difference.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts & experience. It helps me see more clearly.

 

[Shamar]

Question at the end, with background:

Autism is sometimes portrayed in media as (negatively) heartless/cold, or (positively) awkward, or (more neutrally) simply unemotional.

Having lived the experience, it's anything but unemotional -- if anything, it's way too much. But I can see where the stereotype comes from:

1. I feel deeply but rarely understand my own feelings (alexithymia), let alone someone else's and have intense trouble both regulating and expressing them
2. I'm often highly focussed and during those times I don't have room in my head for other people's emotional state
3. I often shut down/dissociate if someone's expressing painful/strong feelings, due to the massive sensory/internal overwhelm
4. Having strong aversions to certain food / clothing / textures means, if those things are important to someone close to me, it can look like I don't want to support them
5. I don't have room or interest for the potential boat-rocking of emotional effort due to craving/requiring stability, routine, and settled-ness.

I feel like I could go on and list several more points that add up to someone perceiving me as either cold or unemotional.

Q: if you perceive the above (or similar) in yourself... how have you dealt with it? Do you actively block any emotional connection at all? Do you accept that people will get hurt with their expectations of you in this area? Have you found some way to work hard to overcome what most people see as a deficiency?

Practically twins. How do I deal with it? Mostly I hurt. That is the one emotion I feel that I know well. I don't block emotions, I feel them. I have no idea how to describe them or what they mean, but they are there. Nobody gets hurt with their expectations of me because nobody has expectations of me. I have no idea how to overcome this apparent deficiency, neither has any mental health expert I have dealt with. I don't believe any of them thought the problem even existed.

 

[Grondhammar]

I don't believe any of them thought the problem even existed.

This is I think the core of it for me... the combo of 1) me at least half-believing it's a problem that needs to be solved, and 2) other people being unaware this is even a possibility and instead making (incorrect & painful) assumptions to explain these behaviours to themselves. So then I end up onboarding all their assumptions and having to battle those.

Again, so much healthier to allow others to have their opinions and simply move on. I'm dedicating meditation time to ingrain that.