Emotional Bonds

[furkandorum]

I don't feel emotionally connected to my father. Not even a single bit. Moreover, i hate him.

I hate his political opinions, way of seeing life, he is like a freaking cave man.

If it's your parent, you can ignore their stupid opinions and love them just because they are your parents right? I know it because i love my mom just because she is my mom. And my brothers love my dad just because he's their dad.

I feel he's emotionally connected to me somehow. But when he shouts to my mom about the stupid salt of the stupid soup, i want to strangle him. At those moments i don't feel anything against him.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

You only get two parents. And someday, they'll both be gone. And you will be bereft, wishing you could have been closer when you were all young. Be glad you have a mother and a father in your home.

 

[Gerontius]

Howdy.
I suppose this is pretty common. Politics are awful divisive these days, just like most of history.
Love is best defined as "to will the good of another." There's a difference between caring about someone & wishing they are doing well, and the pleasant emotions of philia or storge. The caveman stuff is definitely annoying--grew up with that & the attitude of "autism = excuse for not being normal; just try harder, dumbass" is not exactly a good place to develop a sense of how to be a human.

The yelling at your mother is concerning. Soup and salt are supposed to go together. Not enough salt, put salt in it (saltshakers are nice inventions; he should totally try one.) Too much salt? Well, throw a piece of good bread in it, and maybe when the soup is half used up, add some other ingredients & cook that in to make a leftover-fortified stew that won't be quite as salty. For heaven's sake, part of being a real man is being able to take care of yourself instead of howling like a baby and accusing other people.

I would suggest focusing on skills & the ability to move out when the need arises. If I had it all to do over I'd have gotten a full-time job & put myself in community college part time.

 

[Outdated]

@furkandorum you just pretty much described my relationship with my father. He didn't like me either, or my sister. He tried to be a good father but he just didn't like us. That will sound harsh to some of you, tough luck, that's just how it goes in some families. We fought over everything from his political ideals to the way he treated my mother.

It took me until I was in my 40s but I just gave up on the pair of them in the end. They were too much hard work and they gave nothing but derision and depression in return. I don't know if they still live.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

@furkandorum you just pretty much described my relationship with my father. He didn't like me either, or my sister. He tried to be a good father but he just didn't like us. That will sound harsh to some of you, tough luck, that's just how it goes in some families. We fought over everything from his political ideals to the way he treated my mother.

It took me until I was in my 40s but I just gave up on the pair of them in the end. They were too much hard work and they gave nothing but derision and depression in return. I don't know if they still live.

So true. It's hard for some people to understand that some parents don't like--or actively hate--their kids.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

This thread is making me...look into a mirror, in some ways. I appreciate all of your perspectives.

 

[Sasha22]

I don't feel emotionally connected to my father. Not even a single bit. Moreover, i hate him.

I hate his political opinions, way of seeing life, he is like a freaking cave man.

If it's your parent, you can ignore their stupid opinions and love them just because they are your parents right? I know it because i love my mom just because she is my mom. And my brothers love my dad just because he's their dad.

I feel he's emotionally connected to me somehow. But when he shouts to my mom about the stupid salt of the stupid soup, i want to strangle him. At those moments i don't feel anything against him.

I'm sorry your relationship with your father is so difficult. Unfortunately, many of us don't have the picture-perfect family we wish we had... I've had a difficult relationship with my parents and wish I had allowed myself to distance myself from them long ago. I'd say, we have the parents we have and it's ok to feel what we feel - in other words, no obligation to love someone just because of their position in the natural order of things. I don't believe you can force love anyway.

 

[Luca]

Don’t feel obligated to love toxic people just because they are family. My extended family hates me and I don’t want to have anything to do with them ever again.

Some people do actually hate their family members, even parents hating their children. This is why child abuse is sadly so common. Something that a lot of autistic and disabled people are all too familiar with.

My relationship with my parents is a bit more complicated, and they can definitely be mean and awful, but they don’t hate me. They seem to genuinely think they’re doing the right thing (they’re not.)
Moving away from my family, including my parents, was one of the smartest decisions I’ve ever made.

I hope you can find a way to have the right boundaries with your father so he doesn’t hurt you anymore, whether that means living somewhere else or not. I know how it feels and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I also found it extremely difficult to watch/listen to my father abuse my mother. It bothered me more than having him abuse me.

Having some distance is helpful. You might want to consider living independently.

 

[SusanLR]

My relationship with my parents was so comfortable it makes it difficult to imagine what others have experienced.

This doesn't mean we didn't have disagreements or arguments sometimes.
It's just through it all there was a knowing we loved each other and enjoyed the time and things we did together.
There wasn't any abuse, and no one held grudges that never end.
As can be the case with other people.

 

[Sasha22]

My relationship with my parents was so comfortable it makes it difficult to imagine what others have experienced.

It's actually kind of comforting to read that, to me at least. It's nice to hear about good experiences that other people have had with their parents - it's also helpful to better understand what the difference is between a good, "no-grudges held" relationship and a bad, "run for the hills" relationship.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

in other words, no obligation to love someone just because of their position in the natural order of things. I don't believe you can force love anyway.

Yeah, I agree with you; there's this cringe-y thing I remember my father would always do, which, whenever leaving the room he'd just say really loudly "LOVE YOU" like it's an...expectation? to just respond? Most conversations I ever had with him were from my staircase with his back to me while he sat in his chair by the computer. You cannot force or expect love from your children at all.

 

[Luca]

Yeah, I agree with you; there's this cringe-y thing I remember my father would always do, which, whenever leaving the room he'd just say really loudly "LOVE YOU" like it's an...expectation? to just respond? Most conversations I ever had with him were from my staircase with his back to me while he sat in his chair by the computer. You cannot force or expect love from your children at all.

Unfortunately, a lot of the things my mom says when she doesn’t get a satisfactory response are unprintable here

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Unfortunately, a lot of the things my mom says when she doesn’t get a satisfactory response are unprintable here

Ah, I'm sorry to read that; I can only imagine.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Unfortunately, a lot of the things my mom says when she doesn’t get a satisfactory response are unprintable here

Tantrums as argument. So familiar.