Emotional connections

[DogwoodTree]

Is there anyone at all you have a relationship with that you feel an emotional connection...that you get emotional satisfaction from connecting with them?

I'm married with kids, so I do get some satisfaction from those relationships. But I don't dump my emotional needs on my kids, and my DH can only handle so much, no matter how hard he tries. So I try to connect with other people, like at church, but I just don't feel an authentic connection with them. And then, occasionally, I'll have a conversation with someone that does make that connection...and it sends me spinning into the abyss. It's as if getting that little taste of connection with someone activates all these triggers, all these desires to be known, to be understood, and the depravity of being so alone around people. Either that, or it triggers all my defenses to push people away and I feel so angry inside towards them for even trying to get close. And then on the flip side, if I'm around people and make no connection, the loneliness weighs in on me so heavily.

It's not that I don't want to connect with people, because I do. I just can't. I can't bridge that abysmal gap between my inner reality and where they are on the outside. I desperately want to. But the loneliness is suffocating. I like having a lot of time alone...I don't mind being by myself. But I think I like the alone time so much partly because time with other people is so terribly lonely. It's like it shines a spotlight on how isolated I am from everyone.

I'm really struggling with why I keep doing this, why I keep trying. Why not just give up?

(And no, I'm not suicidal. I just get obsessed with the idea of it. )

 

[Warmheart]

When one isn't wired to connect, tossing oneself into a group can be exhausting. What's natural for others really takes application and focus and work on our parts. It sounds like you're really doing a good job of trying to balance your re-charge alone-time with bits of socializing the best you can. I admire your courage. I'm sorry I haven't any solutions, except I wish to say that you seem to be very brave.

 

[On the Inside]

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. I don't have anything constructive to help you with the problem. You are fortunate to have a partner who is at least a little understanding. Be sure to let him know you are grateful for that.

There have been only a few people in my life I've felt truly connected to. None of them are currently in my life right now, and haven't been for some time. That is a complicated story.

I am in a long term relationship and we have one child, and while I am definitely connected to my child, I have tried but failed to truly connect with my partner. I've always felt she needed more from me than I can give. She has long criticized me about my lack of heart, of not opening up to her. I've never been able to verbalize why I am unable to open any more than I have, I think I don't trust her with my true self. She says I am not properly attached to her or to our kid.

It really hurts, and it makes me shrink further away. I know it has been largely my own thoughts, but I feel I am simply unable to meet her expectations, and now our relationship and the troubles we have are pretty much dominant in my life, leaving little time or energy for reaching out to others.

We are seeing a therapist together who has experience with people on the spectrum, but so far our time has been largely spent discussing my problems, and how they affect my partner. I sent an e-mail to our therapist to try to get some clarity on my thoughts (she had suggested we do this) and my partner started saying that I'm keeping secrets, and triangulating with our therapist.

So I feel like I am being kept from connecting with anyone as long as I'm not connecting properly with my partner. I feel I've lost control of my life.

It would be extremely difficult for me, and I really fear what affect it would have on our kid, but I feel that we should end things between us as we are not meeting each others needs and may be unlikely to do so in the future.

Wow, I've thought that for some time, but have never put it out in any form of communication.

 

[wyverary]

And then, occasionally, I'll have a conversation with someone that does make that connection...and it sends me spinning into the abyss. It's as if getting that little taste of connection with someone activates all these triggers, all these desires to be known, to be understood, and the depravity of being so alone around people. Either that, or it triggers all my defenses to push people away and I feel so angry inside towards them for even trying to get close.

This part, I find interesting. Do you think it might be your fear that the emotional connection won't last, or that you might face eventual abandonment, or that it is just so unfamiliar that despite its pleasure you are so unused to it you react in such a way?

Just throwing ideas out there, and maybe asking for a little more information, if you have any. Because I have a couple of people with whom I can connect deeply on an emotional level, but honestly, it took a long time for me to gain others' trust, having had so many negative and toxic relationships with so-called "friends."

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. I don't have anything constructive to help you with the problem. You are fortunate to have a partner who is at least a little understanding. Be sure to let him know you are grateful for that.

There have been only a few people in my life I've felt truly connected to. None of them are currently in my life right now, and haven't been for some time. That is a complicated story.

I am in a long term relationship and we have one child, and while I am definitely connected to my child, I have tried but failed to truly connect with my partner. I've always felt she needed more from me than I can give. She has long criticized me about my lack of heart, of not opening up to her. I've never been able to verbalize why I am unable to open any more than I have, I think I don't trust her with my true self. She says I am not properly attached to her or to our kid.

It really hurts, and it makes me shrink further away. I know it has been largely my own thoughts, but I feel I am simply unable to meet her expectations, and now our relationship and the troubles we have are pretty much dominant in my life, leaving little time or energy for reaching out to others.

We are seeing a therapist together who has experience with people on the spectrum, but so far our time has been largely spent discussing my problems, and how they affect my partner. I sent an e-mail to our therapist to try to get some clarity on my thoughts (she had suggested we do this) and my partner started saying that I'm keeping secrets, and triangulating with our therapist.

So I feel like I am being kept from connecting with anyone as long as I'm not connecting properly with my partner. I feel I've lost control of my life.

It would be extremely difficult for me, and I really fear what affect it would have on our kid, but I feel that we should end things between us as we are not meeting each others needs and may be unlikely to do so in the future.

Wow, I've thought that for some time, but have never put it out in any form of communication.

I'm NT. With that out of the way - maybe writing her a letter of your thoughts and how you feel. I got a lot of your feelings from your post and as an NT I would totally get your position with just what you wrote here. I've learned that Aspies are able to make their thoughts and feelings more known through writing or text or email. Just a thought. She should also read some books on Aspies. That would help her to know what is going on maybe.

 

[May Black]

I feel very strong connection with my boyfriend and my brother. Loosing either of them would be completely devastating for me. I have one close friend who I can talk to as well.

I don't often feel the need of dumping my negative emotions on anyone, I want to be cheered up by not talking about what's troubling me, I prefer to feel sorrow on my own, quietly, in solitude. I feel extremely alone when I have no one to share happiness with, if something good happens in my life and there is no one to experience with.

 

[Cali Cat]

I don't often feel the need of dumping my negative emotions on anyone, I want to be cheered up by not talking about what's troubling me, I prefer to feel sorrow on my own, quietly, in solitude. I feel extremely alone when I have no one to share happiness with, if something good happens in my life and there is no one to experience with.

I tend not to talk about what's really bothering me. I b**ch about little annoyances and stuff, but the big issues I wrestle with on my own. It is very disappointing, though, when there's no one to share the happy moments with.

 

[DogwoodTree]

This part, I find interesting. Do you think it might be your fear that the emotional connection won't last, or that you might face eventual abandonment, or that it is just so unfamiliar that despite its pleasure you are so unused to it you react in such a way?

Ugh, probably "all of the above". Emotional connections don't last...emotions are fleeting, and reactive. There's this one man at church who is kind of a surrogate father-figure for me. Sort of. One evening after a meeting, soon after I started learning how to play guitar, he sat down and gave me some pointers and talked with me for a little while about it. My heart just melted. I've never had a safe father in my life...both my dad and step-dad were abusive. I can feel the tears welling up as I think about what a novelty it was that night to feel somewhat safe (though terribly nervous) and loved as he gave me that time. As I drove home afterwards, though, I broke down crying (which I rarely do), feeling rejected, abandoned, and unworthy. This was before I knew about asperger's, and it was so very confusing. I don't know what I wanted that he didn't give me. Even though I relished the time with him, I didn't feel like I had actually connected with him. I don't know how else to explain it. It was like being locked up in a prison cell, starving, and a feast is laid out in front of me, just out of my reach.

And then there are people who reach out, and...wow, I really don't know how to explain this...it's like their "energy" is toxic somehow, like trying to eat something that you're allergic to. They're not necessarily "bad" people, it's just that their "energy" is somehow incompatible with mine. And it makes me sick to think about letting them inside. Does that make sense? Pfft, I'm not even sure it makes sense to me.

Just throwing ideas out there, and maybe asking for a little more information, if you have any. Because I have a couple of people with whom I can connect deeply on an emotional level, but honestly, it took a long time for me to gain others' trust, having had so many negative and toxic relationships with so-called "friends."

So when you walk away from a conversation with these people, do you feel...uplifted? If something bad were to happen and they came around to encourage you, would it actually help to have them there?

I watch other people being comforted by physical contact, smiles, compliments, chit-chat, attention, encouragement...and though I can imagine being comforted by those things...when they actually happen, it hurts, deeply. It doesn't help at all. It just hurts. I can't make the connection through those things, and the fact that they happen and I still don't feel any better from them, is even more discouraging and painful.

Today I've felt this crushing weight at the prospect of having to live the rest of my life in this emotional Faraday cage. I find myself becoming ruder with people so I push them away before I feel the isolation of not being able to connect when I try. Even if I act the part so they can feel good about the connection...I don't feel anything good from it. It just hurts worse.

 

[wyverary]

I wish I knew what to say in response to that. In my own experience, I have had incredible luck, in encountering and being able to keep around people who are beautiful human beings, who are empathetic, whom I wouldn't hesitate to call in the middle of the night if I were to suddenly enter a period of immense emotional pain...I wish I knew how I could say to find those people, how to learn to trust them, to let down your guard, to embrace them. I understand everybody comes from a different place, different backgrounds, different experiences, and I so, so wish I had good advice to give you. I can only hope for you, that you can eventually find peace with yourself so that you can find peace with other people and allow them to enter your life. I don't know what it would take for you to be able to do that. I don't know what to tell someone that would help them reach that point, that they could, if not let go, at least recognize and compartmentalize, the hangups that they are harboring (often for good reason). I can try to put myself in someone else's shoes, but I can never fully grasp. We all come from different places, and the only thing I can think to do is to listen, and be empathetic. I've been fortunate enough to find people that can do that for me, and me for them, and oh, how I wish so many people know, care about, could feel that as well. Maybe a therapist could help you work through such issues (yes, I sound like a broken record whenever I recommend therapy or support groups)...or maybe that wouldn't help. I hope, in any case, that your experiences turn in a positive direction, and maybe give you the courage to accept the hands that are offered you. It's hard to trust. I don't understand completely, but nor do I blame you one bit.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...well, wishing the best for you. Hugs.

wyv

 

[On the Inside]

I also refrain from dumping negative/sad emotions on people. For one, I prefer to deal with those on my own, they dissipate with time. That is not the connection I need.

But as I reflect on this, I find I'm not sure what I really want in a connection, what it means to me. Would I be asking too much? When I feel like I have connected with someone, I walk away feeling unfulfilled. Is this a neurotransmitter problem? Meaning, the high is there then it's not, and I'm left with no lasting feeling of having connected emotionally?

 

[May Black]

I watch other people being comforted by physical contact, smiles, compliments, chit-chat, attention, encouragement...and though I can imagine being comforted by those things...when they actually happen, it hurts, deeply. It doesn't help at all. It just hurts. I can't make the connection through those things, and the fact that they happen and I still don't feel any better from them, is even more discouraging and painful.

I can relate somewhat, my parents divorced when I was one, my father was absent, and my step father turned out to be a horrible human being. My childhood left me rather unable to trust people. I was taught that we don't talk about the things that were going on at home with anyone and it has taken me years to get to a point where I am able to share even very personal information with people, but only on a rational level, there is no emotion attached to it. I've tried going to a therapist when I suffered from depression, but it didn't do anything for me. I write when I don't know what to do with the mess I feel inside, not a journal, just thoughts. My way out has been one of personal improvement. I removed myself from my family at the age of 19, throughout the years I've tried to be as sufficient as possible. The less I need to rely on other people, the happier I feel. I get blamed for being cold, but it's the only way I know how to survive. I am not sure what else to advice you other than turn to yourself and try to look for strength within, it's there. Once you find it, it will be easier for you to relate to others.

 

[Cecile]

I have tried but failed to truly connect with my partner. I've always felt she needed more from me than I can give. She has long criticized me about my lack of heart, of not opening up to her. I've never been able to verbalize why I am unable to open any more than I have, I think I don't trust her with my true self. She says I am not properly attached to her or to our kid.

It really hurts, and it makes me shrink further away. (...) We are seeing a therapist together who has experience with people on the spectrum, but so far our time has been largely spent discussing my problems, and how they affect my partner. I sent an e-mail to our therapist to try to get some clarity on my thoughts (she had suggested we do this) and my partner started saying that I'm keeping secrets, and triangulating with our therapist. (...)
It would be extremely difficult for me, and I really fear what affect it would have on our kid, but I feel that we should end things between us as we are not meeting each others needs and may be unlikely to do so in the future.

You say you always *felt* she needed more than you can give, but have you ever actually discussed "needs" in a clear, explicit manner? If it is too difficult for you to talk about, have you tried writing each other? My ex (Aspie) told me (NT) that talking wouldn't have changed the facts or his "inability" for certain things. What he didn't realize is that him not talking made everything much worse for me. It basically sent the signal that I wasn't even "worth the effort" of a few sentences. Most likely, your NT wife feels/has felt like that. She feels/has felt like she was expected to adapt to you without being given enough "data" to do so... I am fairly convinced that there are things on which my ex and I would been able to meet halfway as far as meeting needs go, and that would have made a huge difference for me... But that cannot happen without talking

There is a good chance that rationaly, your wife knows your communication with the therapist is a good thing... But her reaction is dominated by her emotions. She probably feels like she never really knew for sure what you thought/felt/wanted. She may also fear that "you think badly of her" to some extent (and that you are saying that privately to the therapist because you cannot in her presence).

It is difficult for us NTs to distinguish between "Aspie can't" and "Aspie won't". For instance, if we see you can and do express certain things you feel (eg: frustration), then we tend to believe that what you can't and don't express, you don't actually feel (eg: love, loss...).

 

[DogwoodTree]

Be sure to let him know you are grateful for that.

Frequently...he's a real treasure

... while I am definitely connected to my child, I have tried but failed to truly connect with my partner. I've always felt she needed more from me than I can give. She has long criticized me about my lack of heart, of not opening up to her. I've never been able to verbalize why I am unable to open any more than I have, I think I don't trust her with my true self. She says I am not properly attached to her or to our kid.

I often feel similarly, that my DH needs more from me than I can give. I want to, I try, but there are so many layers I have to cut through to give him what he needs...it's hard, and there's ever enough from me. I think one thing we have going for us is that we're both committed enough to the rel'ship to go with unmet needs while we work on this. I can completely relate to your statement about not being your true self with your SO. I don't think I even know who I really am, so it's hard to share what I don't know.

I sent an e-mail to our therapist to try to get some clarity on my thoughts (she had suggested we do this) and my partner started saying that I'm keeping secrets, and triangulating with our therapist.

I worked with a counseling team earlier this year where they encouraged me to email them throughout the week between our meetings. The meetings were practically useless because I couldn't open up, but the emailing helped in a lot of ways. One thing we decided early on, though, was that I would only use an email account that my DH also has access to. I don't think he read every email between us, but they were available to him if he wanted to, and everyone understood that. That way he was less likely to feel left out of the process. Just a thought...if you're doing couples counseling already, this might be a good way for her to get to feel like she's not on the fringe of all of this?

I feel I've lost control of my life.

I hear you. I feel the same way. I don't know who I am. I don't know how to face this moving forward. I don't know what I can expect of myself, or how to get my needs met, or how to meet the needs of the people around me. It seems like everything I try either doesn't last long or makes things worse.

 

[On the Inside]

It's not that I don't want to connect with people, because I do. I just can't. I can't bridge that abysmal gap between my inner reality and where they are on the outside. I desperately want to. But the loneliness is suffocating. I like having a lot of time alone...I don't mind being by myself. But I think I like the alone time so much partly because time with other people is so terribly lonely. It's like it shines a spotlight on how isolated I am from everyone.

I'm really struggling with why I keep doing this, why I keep trying. Why not just give up?

(And no, I'm not suicidal. I just get obsessed with the idea of it. )

I think its worth trying, and being aware of what it is you want out of the connections you seek. Back when my life wasn't so complicated and filled with responsibilities, I was better able to connect, that is when I had the few people that I really felt I connected with. But I was also able to take the alone time I needed to contemplate things and appreciate the times when I did get together with people.

It's really hard to think about being happier or better off when alone, or being by yourself, when you have a family. But I've heard other people on the spectrum say that they feel more alone with people than when they are alone.

I struggle because it's hard to keep the simple pleasures of being with someone from being overwhelmed by the feeling that it should be more, that the other person is expecting more, that this encounter isn't measuring up. I am trying desperately hard to just be in the moment, to not let those thoughts crowd out the simple pleasure.

I don't know if this helps, because I feel that I have continually failed at it, but I keep trying. I hope you do too.

 

[On the Inside]

Frequently...he's a real treasure

That's great, you have a strong bond, if not a strong connection, if there is a difference. I know my partner has really tried with me, but we still can't see eye to eye. My mistakes, reactions and forgetfulness have caused a lot of hard feelings and distrust.






I worked with a counseling team earlier this year where they encouraged me to email them throughout the week between our meetings. The meetings were practically useless because I couldn't open up, but the emailing helped in a lot of ways. One thing we decided early on, though, was that I would only use an email account that my DH also has access to. I don't think he read every email between us, but they were available to him if he wanted to, and everyone understood that. That way he was less likely to feel left out of the process. Just a thought...if you're doing couples counseling already, this might be a good way for her to get to feel like she's not on the fringe of all of this?


I thought we read through it in our session, I printed out a copy. But she said we didn't, then I didn't forward it to her until she asked me about it. Unfortunately we hadn't set up a "system" yet with our therapist. I need that, or I bungle things.I certainly open up more in written form than in person, can that really form an emotional connection?

 

[DogwoodTree]

I struggle because it's hard to keep the simple pleasures of being with someone from being overwhelmed by the feeling that it should be more, that the other person is expecting more, that this encounter isn't measuring up. I am trying desperately hard to just be in the moment, to not let those thoughts crowd out the simple pleasure.

Sounds like y'all haven't been together for an extremely long time? I don't know about you, but when DH and I met, I was doing a pretty good job of hiding a lot of this stuff. So he's kind of finding out about a lot of this as I do, as it comes to the surface now that I can't cover it up anymore. But we've been married for almost 20 years, and that makes a difference.

We've had a chance to watch other couples go through very difficult times and stick together. Our pastor had a stroke a couple of months ago, and he's not that old. But his wife was by his side the entire time, and no one ever questioned if she would stay with him if he ended up disabled long-term. To see that kind of commitment...I started to realize that no matter what we face, it'll be better to do it together. I've intensely focused on trying to stay connected with DH and the kids, whether I feel the connection or not, whether it's fun or not. With other people, I want to connect I guess mostly for the emotional encouragement and connected-ness. But with DH and the kids, my commitment is much deeper to them. With them, it's not about me. It's about meeting their needs as best as I can, no matter how it feels.

Anyway, that's what keeps me going with those relationships. I wouldn't say I'm doing a great job with it, but they're the reason I haven't crawled into a cave and disappeared, so I guess it's doing some good.

 

[Harrison]

Is there anyone at all you have a relationship with that you feel an emotional connection...that you get emotional satisfaction from connecting with them?

I'm married with kids, so I do get some satisfaction from those relationships. But I don't dump my emotional needs on my kids, and my DH can only handle so much, no matter how hard he tries. So I try to connect with other people, like at church, but I just don't feel an authentic connection with them. And then, occasionally, I'll have a conversation with someone that does make that connection...and it sends me spinning into the abyss. It's as if getting that little taste of connection with someone activates all these triggers, all these desires to be known, to be understood, and the depravity of being so alone around people. Either that, or it triggers all my defenses to push people away and I feel so angry inside towards them for even trying to get close. And then on the flip side, if I'm around people and make no connection, the loneliness weighs in on me so heavily.

It's not that I don't want to connect with people, because I do. I just can't. I can't bridge that abysmal gap between my inner reality and where they are on the outside. I desperately want to. But the loneliness is suffocating. I like having a lot of time alone...I don't mind being by myself. But I think I like the alone time so much partly because time with other people is so terribly lonely. It's like it shines a spotlight on how isolated I am from everyone.

I'm really struggling with why I keep doing this, why I keep trying. Why not just give up?

(And no, I'm not suicidal. I just get obsessed with the idea of it. )

I have a couple of people that I connect to emotionally, the rest exist in the more logical recesses of my life. I have learnt that, for me, emotional connections just bring pain because sooner or later the object of that emotional response is going to screw you up.

 

[Ellylldan]

And then there are people who reach out, and...wow, I really don't know how to explain this...it's like their "energy" is toxic somehow, like trying to eat something that you're allergic to. They're not necessarily "bad" people, it's just that their "energy" is somehow incompatible with mine. And it makes me sick to think about letting them inside. Does that make sense? Pfft, I'm not even sure it makes sense to me.

I understand very well what you are saying. Sometimes there are people that are very nice, I like them and they even seem to be interested in friendship, but feel somehow that I would never be able to be close to them, like there is something in them that is incompatible with me, how you said. It's like my brain tell me that it's a good possibility to make a friend but my heart tells me that nothing good will come out of it. I always follow my feeling about people. But afterwards my brain keeps tormenting me for a while with thoughts of a lost possibility.

There are two persons in my life that I am deeply connected to: my sister and my husband. There is also a third person that I met a year ago and in two days having him around I felt like I found long lost brother, but this connection proved to be emotionally very draining for me. He lives in another continent and has a life and apparently there is no space for me. That's very sad because I feel if we lived closer we could be very good friends forever.

How Harrison said:

I have learnt that, for me, emotional connections just bring pain because sooner or later the object of that emotional response is going to screw you up.

well, that would be the case for me.

And still, I believe that deep emotional connections, even those that end up hurting us, give us something very important, they help us evolve and become better human beings. At least for me personally it's like that.