Emotional overwhelm and destructive meltdown

[Ursus Chainus]

I am both ADHD and ASD in my 50’s. Generally I can regulate my emotions quite well but in the last 5 years I have had several “emotional meltdowns” that have been externally directed at people that I care about deeply.

I catastrophize, ruminate then I try to remove a person from my life.

These “meltdowns” involve intense stress in my life unrelated to the person that I meltdown on. There are triggers that get pulled by the person that I meltdown on. These triggers are accidentally pulled… and though upsetting to me… my reaction is extreme. I assume that they don’t care about me and are just using me. It is totally paranoid.

In the meltdown, I feel I am acting rationally based on a need to protect myself from someone. The reality is that I am not acting rationally within the context of that relationship at all.

In fact I am reacting to a person/people who violated my trust in the past, not the person I am reacting/ melting down on.

It is absolutely exhausting and I feel deep regret. I try to apologize (unfortunately, I mix it in with explaining, which makes the apology seem insincere).

This irrational behavior builds…. Then explodes… then there is a strange feeling of release followed by extreme regret and pain for the person that I hurt.

Has anyone else gone through this? How have you learned to stop it? I never want this to happen again.

 

[Tom]

I definately relate. For me it helped to think about it in terms of something in my head going awry chemically and/or functionally. And to realize my thinking was often flawed or at least suspect at these times. My response was to not trust my thoughts/feelings at these times and not act on them in word or deed. Instead I would try to seperate myself from family/friends if possible till the bad mood passes. If I couldn't seperate myself I would keep silent at all costs and wait it out. I discussed this much with spouse and I came up with a code term 'I think the moon is full' to let her know I thought one of those periods was coming on and for a while it was roughly once a month. Soon enough (1-4 days) level headed thinking returns and you are always glad you didin't listen to your emotional impulses.

I believe the frequency and intensity of these 'attacks' has decreased very noticably since I went on anxiety medication. I only notice that heightened state a few times a year. But That may just be linked to my unique conditions and not everyone likes the medication approach.

 

[Ursus Chainus]

For me this seems to happen around 1.5 to two years apart. That can make them difficult to predict. I try to isolate when I am under lots of stress but sometimes I need support as well.

Medication probably won’t help in my case because this is so infrequent.

I think that the massive trauma I have suffered in my childhood definitely is part of it. Nobody protected me and I was taught that protecting myself led to more abuse. I try to keep this in mind and set boundaries when I need to… but it just isn’t enough.

 

[KevinMao133]

I am both ADHD and ASD in my 50’s. Generally I can regulate my emotions quite well but in the last 5 years I have had several “emotional meltdowns” that have been externally directed at people that I care about deeply.

I catastrophize, ruminate then I try to remove a person from my life.

These “meltdowns” involve intense stress in my life unrelated to the person that I meltdown on. There are triggers that get pulled by the person that I meltdown on. These triggers are accidentally pulled… and though upsetting to me… my reaction is extreme. I assume that they don’t care about me and are just using me. It is totally paranoid.

In the meltdown, I feel I am acting rationally based on a need to protect myself from someone. The reality is that I am not acting rationally within the context of that relationship at all.

In fact I am reacting to a person/people who violated my trust in the past, not the person I am reacting/ melting down on.

It is absolutely exhausting and I feel deep regret. I try to apologize (unfortunately, I mix it in with explaining, which makes the apology seem insincere).

This irrational behavior builds…. Then explodes… then there is a strange feeling of release followed by extreme regret and pain for the person that I hurt.

Has anyone else gone through this? How have you learned to stop it? I never want this to happen again.

I can most definitely relate

Like you, I manage my emotion well but sometimes I have off days

What I try to do to manage: not focus on others, treat myself and work on things I’m interested in

I’m not perfect, I don’t want to but yeah I try

One of my biggest issues is I get non talkative. I keep things to myself and rarely speak out, since I worry about getting judged. For the most part it’s working but not all the time

 

[Ursus Chainus]

Thank you for your support. It is really hard hurting people that you love!

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I am both ADHD and ASD in my 50’s. Generally I can regulate my emotions quite well but in the last 5 years I have had several “emotional meltdowns” that have been externally directed at people that I care about deeply.

I catastrophize, ruminate then I try to remove a person from my life.

These “meltdowns” involve intense stress in my life unrelated to the person that I meltdown on. There are triggers that get pulled by the person that I meltdown on. These triggers are accidentally pulled… and though upsetting to me… my reaction is extreme. I assume that they don’t care about me and are just using me. It is totally paranoid.

In the meltdown, I feel I am acting rationally based on a need to protect myself from someone. The reality is that I am not acting rationally within the context of that relationship at all.

In fact I am reacting to a person/people who violated my trust in the past, not the person I am reacting/ melting down on.

It is absolutely exhausting and I feel deep regret. I try to apologize (unfortunately, I mix it in with explaining, which makes the apology seem insincere).

This irrational behavior builds…. Then explodes… then there is a strange feeling of release followed by extreme regret and pain for the person that I hurt.

Has anyone else gone through this? How have you learned to stop it? I never want this to happen again.

Yes I understand and am going through the same thing and very violent with mine too and have not known what to do since I do not want to be sent back to abusive mental hellhole and could not think of anything worse.

This has been very similar to mine where I feel like if someone us hurting me I want to remove them as well but need to be loved.
And yes mine involves triggers from ways people have hurt me and boxes I feel I have to fit
And trust me with trauma triggers it can get very severe because if you keep getting triggered that way you will just keep melting down.
Mine get violent too and I self harm.
Because I just need to be loved and I am frustrated, tired, exhausted, confused, regretful and mad and very hurt and u just want to find rest for my soul.
Though for me it is not really angry and I just get sick of it.
Seems my anger has always been 'anger' but I have hated the way u felt and did not want to talk about anger at all because I hated existing like this it is like hell
And I just want to feel calm and regulated and never have to fear abusive hellhole
I am sorry and do not really know how to break my cycle either

 

[Rodafina]

Changing the behavior you have described is complex and certainly challenging. So many emotions and reactions are occurring at the same time and sometimes processing these things can be so slow (for me anyway).

apologize (unfortunately, I mix it in with explaining, which makes the apology seem insincere).

You could zero in on this one thing to start.

I think you are right that explanations can dilute apologies. You could work on separating these two things into different conversations. Take the time to say simply “I am sorry. I should not have treated you like that.” Then, at a totally different time, after some of the emotional wounds have healed, a conversation about reasons why certain behaviors occur could be shared.

Sometimes breaking huge challenges down into small pieces can be a good way to start change.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Changing the behavior you have described is complex and certainly challenging. So many emotions and reactions are occurring at the same time and sometimes processing these things can be so slow (for me anyway).



You could zero in on this one thing to start.

I think you are right that explanations can dilute apologies. You could work on separating these two things into different conversations. Take the time to say simply “I am sorry. I should not have treated you like that.” Then, at a totally different time, after some of the emotional wounds have healed, a conversation about reasons why certain behaviors occur could be shared.

Sometimes breaking huge challenges down into small pieces can be a good way to start change.

Exactly, you will never change it if things keep hurting you.
If certain people and situations keep hurting you over and over again or certain things are stuck and you cannot see a way forward well the only Way forward is to remove those toxic situations from a persons life
Which can be hard for a lonely autistic with childhood trauma, we can be vulnerable and fragile and have no other opinions or be taken advantage of.