Events- finding the right balance

[daniegirl6224]

How do you decide which events to say no to versus which events to challenge yourself with?
Ie social events, fun loud overstimulating events

 

[Outdated]

This relates back to what I wrote about being a person you like instead of worrying about how other people might perceive you. As a young man I loved music, loved going to see live bands. I hated it when my mates tagged along and tried to make a social event out of it, they were a distraction I didn't need. They also always got in the way when I was talking to girls. I'd socialise with friends until about 10:00 pm then claim I was going home to sleep, but instead I'd get dressed and go out.

These days I'm a lot more sensitive to noise and avoid such places. I still love live music but I can't stand the loud hubub of voices talking all the time, they wear me out. Proper concerts at stadiums are OK because at least there people shut their mouths for a while and listen, but pubs and outdoor concerts are a no go for me these days.

The most important boundaries for you to set are between yourself and your friends and family. If they want you to do something and you don't want to then say so. Do not let other people make your decisions for you and don't give them the opportunity to argue with you about it. By that I mean be firm and definite in your responses. If you make it sound like you could be talked around then that is exactly what they'll try to do.

Never make excuses for yourself either, that simply gives people another opportunity to try and talk you around. A straight out No with no disclaimers, no reasons, no lame excuses. When they ask you why the correct response is "Because I don't want to.".

 

[daniegirl6224]

This relates back to what I wrote about being a person you like instead of worrying about how other people might perceive you. As a young man I loved music, loved going to see live bands. I hated it when my mates tagged along and tried to make a social event out of it, they were a distraction I didn't need. They also always got in the way when I was talking to girls. I'd socialise with friends until about 10:00 pm then claim I was going home to sleep, but instead I'd get dressed and go out.

These days I'm a lot more sensitive to noise and avoid such places. I still love live music but I can't stand the loud hubub of voices talking all the time, they wear me out. Proper concerts at stadiums are OK because at least there people shut their mouths for a while and listen, but pubs and outdoor concerts are a no go for me these days.

The most important boundaries for you to set are between yourself and your friends and family. If they want you to do something and you don't want to then say so. Do not let other people make your decisions for you and don't give them the opportunity to argue with you about it. By that I mean be firm and definite in your responses. If you make it sound like you could be talked around then that is exactly what they'll try to do.

Never make excuses for yourself either, that simply gives people another opportunity to try and talk you around. A straight out No with no disclaimers, no reasons, no lame excuses. When they ask you why the correct response is "Because I don't want to.".

Thank you for this!

 

[Sherlock77]

Going back many years ago, even pre-diagnosis I've had a rule of thumb. When working a full work week (assume Monday to Friday day shift), that I don't go out for an evening function more than twice a week. If there are three things I could attend, I will make a choice of which one not to attend (most times), and that can be a tough choice.

For me? Twice a month is a camera/photography club meeting, I do enjoy arts and culture events, a friend hosts a weekly open mic for music which I attend some weeks, but not every week... And in the summer months classic car cruise evenings

Even on the weekend I try not to over-crowd myself with events, one of few exceptions I make is in early June when a major car show happens on Saturday, then the next day is the biggest street festival of the year. Both events can be quite crowded, but many years ago I'll go to both of them, then feel exhausted by Sunday night, but that is an an exception

I can handle large crowds to a certain degree but do have a limit, also doing photography keeps me motivated at large scale events too

 

[daniegirl6224]

Going back many years ago, even pre-diagnosis I've had a rule of thumb. When working a full work week (assume Monday to Friday day shift), that I don't go out for an evening function more than twice a week. If there are three things I could attend, I will make a choice of which one not to attend (most times), and that can be a tough choice.

For me? Twice a month is a camera/photography club meeting, I do enjoy arts and culture events, a friend hosts a weekly open mic for music which I attend some weeks, but not every week... And in the summer months classic car cruise evenings

Even on the weekend I try not to over-crowd myself with events, one of few exceptions I make is in early June when a major car show happens on Saturday, then the next day is the biggest street festival of the year. Both events can be quite crowded, but many years ago I'll go to both of them, then feel exhausted by Sunday night, but that is an an exception

I can handle large crowds to a certain degree but do have a limit, also doing photography keeps me motivated at large scale events too

I love how you set healthy limits while still doing the things you enjoy! Thank you for this

 

[Outdated]

I can handle large crowds to a certain degree but do have a limit, also doing photography keeps me motivated at large scale events too

That's pretty much how it works for me too. At the end of next month I'm going to Brisbane for an autism conference and I was disappointed when I got the itinerary. For me going out with the camera is a way to disengage and take a break when I need to but this time around I'm not going to have much opportunity.

We're staying in a hotel at the airport and the conference is held in the same hotel, and we arrive and depart with little time to spare. There's not much opportunity for photography there unless you're really in to large freeways and industrial complexes, and public transport there is awkward. I'll be too busy during the day to go doing the tourist bit and going at night doesn't interest me all that much. There is a large 24 hour supermarket across the road from the hotel though so at least I'll eat well. Not much there as far as take away food goes unless you're vegan or like sushi.

I also have an evening event to go to, a project launch, just two days before I fly out and I had to stop and think about that before I decided I would attend. I decided in the end that it would probably do me good but I did have to stop and consider first instead of just jumping in.

 

[daniegirl6224]

That's pretty much how it works for me too. At the end of next month I'm going to Brisbane for an autism conference and I was disappointed when I got the itinerary. For me going out with the camera is a way to disengage and take a break when I need to but this time around I'm not going to have much opportunity.

We're staying in a hotel at the airport and the conference is held in the same hotel, and we arrive and depart with little time to spare. There's not much opportunity for photography there unless you're really in to large freeways and industrial complexes, and public transport there is awkward. I'll be too busy during the day to go doing the tourist bit and going at night doesn't interest me all that much. There is a large 24 hour supermarket across the road from the hotel though so at least I'll eat well. Not much there as far as take away food goes unless you're vegan or like sushi.

I also have an evening event to go to, a project launch, just two days before I fly out and I had to stop and think about that before I decided I would attend. I decided in the end that it would probably do me good but I did have to stop and consider first instead of just jumping in.

That’s so cool that you’re going to an autism conference!

 

[Sherlock77]

That's pretty much how it works for me too. At the end of next month I'm going to Brisbane for an autism conference and I was disappointed when I got the itinerary. For me going out with the camera is a way to disengage and take a break when I need to but this time around I'm not going to have much opportunity.

We're staying in a hotel at the airport and the conference is held in the same hotel, and we arrive and depart with little time to spare. There's not much opportunity for photography there unless you're really in to large freeways and industrial complexes, and public transport there is awkward. I'll be too busy during the day to go doing the tourist bit and going at night doesn't interest me all that much. There is a large 24 hour supermarket across the road from the hotel though so at least I'll eat well. Not much there as far as take away food goes unless you're vegan or like sushi.

I also have an evening event to go to, a project launch, just two days before I fly out and I had to stop and think about that before I decided I would attend. I decided in the end that it would probably do me good but I did have to stop and consider first instead of just jumping in.

I've driven 225 kilometres one way (that's about 130 miles) just for a classic car cruise night in another city... Then driven back home at 11:00 PM in the dark...

 

[Neonatal RRT]

How do you decide which events to say no to versus which events to challenge yourself with?
Ie social events, fun loud overstimulating events

I am pretty much "all in" for trying something at least once.

You can't allow some preconceived idea of what it might be like to stop you. Try it. Some things are surprisingly enjoyable. Some things you cut it off short and leave. No need for drama, just quietly leave the situation. Some things are a physical and mental challenge, but when you accomplish them with success, you have the confidence to do more. You don't know unless you try.

For example, my wife and I are considering an Alaskan cruise in the future. Well, that means traveling across the country (I am not a fan of the whole airport experience) and getting on a huge ship packed with all those people. Yuck! However, each day you get to take a side excursion, see glaciers, whales, grizzly bears, beautiful scenery, and so on, which is the only reason for going in my mind. So, in this case, I might accept some discomfort part of the day in order to see something spectacular the other part of the day.

 

[Misery]

I've been to anime/gaming conventions a lot, extremely chaotic events filled with a couple thousand people who are often both sleep deprived and full of caffeine, everything is noise and bright colors and lunacy. Generally I'm on my own with those. Driving and hotel and all that stuff. Heck, my very first time going out of state on my own (well, with a friend, but I was the one in charge there) was actually on a bus. Was like a 5 hour route and then walked through half of a city/town/something to get to the hotel. Fortunately I only did the bus thing that one time, I hated that part. Used my car every time after that. Longest drive I ever did for one was about 8 hours, that wasnt one of my better ideas.

But some other types of things are like the opposite, where I cant handle them at all. Like going to the airport, I will absolutely DREAD that for a couple of weeks leading up to it and may abruptly cancel it at any time. If I do end up going I'll be a walking disaster the whole way.

Even some things that are way smaller... what's that? An art class? But it has like 10 people in a room at once, I'll avoid it.

And events with like, extended family, I usually just dont bother with at all.

I think a lot of it depends on knowing the specifics of not just what gets at you, but of all the details that will be present at the event. Conventions work for me because of the theme (fits special interest), the general crowd that'll be there (lotsa geeks, and I tend to connect well with that crowd) and also other elements that can help (these events are usually held IN the hotels, not in some separate building, making it very easy to retreat to my room when I feel the need). And other things dont work for other reasons. Airports are all serious business all the time (direct opposite of the sort of setting I do well in), extremely strict on basically everything (wheras I tend to just do things whenever it occurs to me to do them and am very bad with schedules), and no retreating... where the heck would I go, out the window? It becomes all stress, all the time.

It can be hard to figure out sometimes though. Like the art class one, that was actually last weekend, and my anxiety spiked badly so I cancelled it. This didnt seem to make logical sense... I mean really a small group in a room? That shouldnt be troubling. Granted, depending on the room it could be very cramped and with bad seating/chairs, and so on. Ended up finding a whole different art teaching thing, which is specifically designed for those on the spectrum, can be either VERY small groups or one on one and we'll be setting up an appointment for me to go and tour the place before actually going for the first time. They're very accommodating and all the details are heavily explained before even that point, so that looks like it's going to be a real winner. Granted I have to drive through the most irritating town in the region, but still. Being able to know all the little details beforehand can help a ton with any event.

I lost track of where I was going with this.

 

[Outdated]

Conventions work for me because of the theme (fits special interest)

I think that's probably the most pertinent part, we can cope with one hell of a lot if we're keen and interested and focused on something. It still burns us out in the end but nowhere near as badly and we have fun doing it.

I'm attending a 4 day conference at the end of next month, first time one of the staff walks in reeking of perfume I'm out of there.

 

[daniegirl6224]

I've been to anime/gaming conventions a lot, extremely chaotic events filled with a couple thousand people who are often both sleep deprived and full of caffeine, everything is noise and bright colors and lunacy. Generally I'm on my own with those. Driving and hotel and all that stuff. Heck, my very first time going out of state on my own (well, with a friend, but I was the one in charge there) was actually on a bus. Was like a 5 hour route and then walked through half of a city/town/something to get to the hotel. Fortunately I only did the bus thing that one time, I hated that part. Used my car every time after that. Longest drive I ever did for one was about 8 hours, that wasnt one of my better ideas.

But some other types of things are like the opposite, where I cant handle them at all. Like going to the airport, I will absolutely DREAD that for a couple of weeks leading up to it and may abruptly cancel it at any time. If I do end up going I'll be a walking disaster the whole way.

Even some things that are way smaller... what's that? An art class? But it has like 10 people in a room at once, I'll avoid it.

And events with like, extended family, I usually just dont bother with at all.

I think a lot of it depends on knowing the specifics of not just what gets at you, but of all the details that will be present at the event. Conventions work for me because of the theme (fits special interest), the general crowd that'll be there (lotsa geeks, and I tend to connect well with that crowd) and also other elements that can help (these events are usually held IN the hotels, not in some separate building, making it very easy to retreat to my room when I feel the need). And other things dont work for other reasons. Airports are all serious business all the time (direct opposite of the sort of setting I do well in), extremely strict on basically everything (wheras I tend to just do things whenever it occurs to me to do them and am very bad with schedules), and no retreating... where the heck would I go, out the window? It becomes all stress, all the time.

It can be hard to figure out sometimes though. Like the art class one, that was actually last weekend, and my anxiety spiked badly so I cancelled it. This didnt seem to make logical sense... I mean really a small group in a room? That shouldnt be troubling. Granted, depending on the room it could be very cramped and with bad seating/chairs, and so on. Ended up finding a whole different art teaching thing, which is specifically designed for those on the spectrum, can be either VERY small groups or one on one and we'll be setting up an appointment for me to go and tour the place before actually going for the first time. They're very accommodating and all the details are heavily explained before even that point, so that looks like it's going to be a real winner. Granted I have to drive through the most irritating town in the region, but still. Being able to know all the little details beforehand can help a ton with any event.

I lost track of where I was going with this.

Love this, thank you!

 

[Tiffany Kate]

Risk/disadvantages vs benefits.

If there's likely to be nothing you enjoy about an event, why are you going? (Making someone else that you care about happy counts as a reason to go, but can still be outweighed.)

If there are things that you're not going to enjoy, are they outweighed by the things you are likely to enjoy, or not?

I was also introduced to the concept of "type 2 enjoyment" by a non-autistic acquaintance.

"Type 1 enjoyment" is stuff you enjoy while you're doing it. Like, for example, reading a good book.
"Type 2 enjoyment" is stuff you enjoy having done, even if you don't enjoy it at the time. For me, going for a run in the morning qualifies (maybe).

You don't have to do social stuff where what you get out of it (short-term or long-term) is less than what it's going to cost you.

Sometimes, you can also come up with an alternative that is better for you, and still "works". For instance, if going to a loud pub with your friends isn't going to work (or at least, not every time), maybe go for a picnic in the park instead? Suggesting an alternative that would fit you better is a good way of softening a hard "NO!"

Having relationships is often about compromise, and you have to wonder how much of a friend a person is, if they won't compromise a little to fit in with you - especially if you are making an effort to fit in with them.

However, some things are worth the sweat, tears, and terror that it takes to do them!

 

[daniegirl6224]

I think that's probably the most pertinent part, we can cope with one hell of a lot if we're keen and interested and focused on something. It still burns us out in the end but nowhere near as badly and we have fun doing it.

I'm attending a 4 day conference at the end of next month, first time one of the staff walks in reeking of perfume I'm out of there.

Super good point!!

 

[daniegirl6224]

Risk/disadvantages vs benefits.

If there's likely to be nothing you enjoy about an event, why are you going? (Making someone else that you care about happy counts as a reason to go, but can still be outweighed.)

If there are things that you're not going to enjoy, are they outweighed by the things you are likely to enjoy, or not?

I was also introduced to the concept of "type 2 enjoyment" by a non-autistic acquaintance.

"Type 1 enjoyment" is stuff you enjoy while you're doing it. Like, for example, reading a good book.
"Type 2 enjoyment" is stuff you enjoy having done, even if you don't enjoy it at the time. For me, going for a run in the morning qualifies (maybe).

You don't have to do social stuff where what you get out of it (short-term or long-term) is less than what it's going to cost you.

Sometimes, you can also come up with an alternative that is better for you, and still "works". For instance, if going to a loud pub with your friends isn't going to work (or at least, not every time), maybe go for a picnic in the park instead? Suggesting an alternative that would fit you better is a good way of softening a hard "NO!"

Having relationships is often about compromise, and you have to wonder how much of a friend a person is, if they won't compromise a little to fit in with you - especially if you are making an effort to fit in with them.

However, some things are worth the sweat, tears, and terror that it takes to do them!

I found this very helpful, thank you!!

 

[Sherlock77]

Risk/disadvantages vs benefits.

If there's likely to be nothing you enjoy about an event, why are you going? (Making someone else that you care about happy counts as a reason to go, but can still be outweighed.)

If there are things that you're not going to enjoy, are they outweighed by the things you are likely to enjoy, or not?

But I do documentary style photography so sometimes do that

 

[Tiffany Kate]

But I do documentary style photography so sometimes do that

Presumably you're planning to enjoy getting paid for the photography, though!

 

[Sherlock77]

Presumably you're planning to enjoy getting paid for the photography, though!

Just for the heck of it

I have been known to wear my cowboy hat and long winter coat to a hip hop show before, really trying to fit in

 

[Outdated]

People treat you differently when you're holding a semi professional looking camera. I found most people will be incredibly polite and they'll try to keep out of your way and let you get the pictures you want.

 

[Sherlock77]

An art reception tonight, cell phone photography... My busy life once again, just a crowd shot...