Ever experience dark traits as an autistic?

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Where you just do not want to be friends with certain people because one they trigger you which in itself is not wrong
And because you just do not get along well with some people like NTs
Like they do not make you happy? And you are happier since cutting ties with some and how does it make u a bad person.
Because ultimately you can have your own friends and it is hard as an autistic being friends with so many, you just like to keep your circle small and just be yourself and be who you are without fitting what everyone else thinks you should be like a social person
And get along with a, b and c person to fit a mold you should
And you just want to bounce on trampolines with someone's dog and never think a about ' certsin people' again because you are just yourself.

 

[Fino]

Sounds good to me

 

[TBRS1]

Yup.

I often would prefer just existing as myself.

For me, this involves disappearing into the woods for hours.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I wouldn't call not wanting to be someone's friend a 'dark' trait. I think it's perfectly acceptable to choose your friends or anyone who you might want to spend time with wisely. Honestly, it's the people who are seemingly friends with everybody who I'm confused by the most, not so much the opposite. Mostly because I don't understand what that's like.

 

[Tyer]

I understand you.
Even if I want to mold myself into the shape others want me to be, Im just not physically able to do so anymore (never really suceeded).
Its exausting.
Some think I changed into that 'isolated negative asocial' person, but I was always like that.
My father still thinks I should do anything I can to 'fit' in, to act like everyone else.
Not accepting that being frindly, but not pushing yourself into others unrealistic wishes, is NOTHING EVIL or disrespectful.
I like being alone. I dont need many people.
The moments I start to doubt myself, even hating myself, always only start, when I get compared to others.

If wanting to be a harmless little cake is something considered 'bad', then I want to be the worst.

 

[Rodafina]

how does it make u a bad person.

It doesn't make you a bad person at all.

Sounds like what you described is just growing older. Learning that we aren't still on the kindergarten playground where teachers say everyone must be friends.

It doesn't seem that dark to me to have preferences in who we choose to get close with and boundaries with those we do.

 

[Tom]

And you just want to bounce on trampolines with someone's dog

If that's not La Dolce Vita, I don't know what is.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I understand you.
Even if I want to mold myself into the shape others want me to be, Im just not physically able to do so anymore (never really suceeded).
Its exausting.
Some think I changed into that 'isolated negative asocial' person, but I was always like that.
My father still thinks I should do anything I can to 'fit' in, to act like everyone else.
Not accepting that being frindly, but not pushing yourself into others unrealistic wishes, is NOTHING EVIL or disrespectful.
I like being alone. I dont need many people.
The moments I start to doubt myself, even hating myself, always only start, when I get compared to others.

If wanting to be a harmless little cake is something considered 'bad', then I want to be the worst.

That is true, I have difficulties where I want to be nice and do not want to be mean but sometimes it feels hard to cooperate and be like minded.I have lived a very hard and extreme life of suffering and somehow I am always being hurt.
And that is why I have wanted to disappear because people in feels like are laughing in my face and all their dreams are coming true and it is very embarrassing for me and I cannot describe how deep the embarrassment and humiliation is alone.
It is like just complete kick in the guts but also a direct break of the heart.
My heart often feels like it will break from the pain
I have difficulties knowing where I belong.
Sometimes I get scared I have only adhd and not autism but seem to relate to everyone on this page and have a few special interest areas and am very artistic.

All my life I have experienced rigid mind sets and dependent habits though I do have childhood trauma.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

It doesn't make you a bad person at all.

Sounds like what you described is just growing older. Learning that we aren't still on the kindergarten playground where teachers say everyone must be friends.

It doesn't seem that dark to me to have preferences in who we choose to get close with and boundaries with those we do.

Yeah I think it is autistic some people we do not fit.
Some people that are NT literally drive me mad anf I have been so hard on myself about it.
And seem to feel pressure to fit people I am not sure really value me anyway.

 

[Jumpinbare]

It's good to respect others and treat them kindly, but that doesn't mean you need to be their friend. Some people are harmful. I rented a room to a young friend at a fraction of the local market rate. I didn't actually need the money, but I knew that what comes free tends to be regarded as valueless. This "friend" started taking advantage of me in a number of ways. He apparently learned quickly that I have difficulty saying no if I am able to do or provide something. He begged money from me so frequently that I stopped carrying cash in my wallet. He got way behind on his rent because he couldn't keep a job. Of course it was always someone else's fault that he would quit or get fired. I realized that by letting him slide on his rent, I was enabling him to continue his path without him needing to improve himself because he had a safe place to loaf around in. It wasn't long after I stopped carrying cash that he started asking to borrow my credit card! I finally gave him an eviction letter allowing a full month to get back on track with rent. He let the time pass without action. He actually acted surprised when I asked if he was ready to move out. He made references to jumping off a bridge if I evicted him. About a week after he left, a sheriff's deputy banged on my door at 2:30 AM asking if I could go to the hospital. My "friend " had jumped off a bridge and he had my info in his wallet as emergency contact. At the hospital, they wanted me to give clearance for treatment because he was too drugged with pain meds to be coherent. I explained that I was not family and was just his former landlord and really couldn't make medical decisions for him. He did get the surgeries he needed and was released. But he doesn't live here anymore. And yet after all the above, I feel guilty not letting him come back here. Not everyone is worthy of being your friend.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

It's good to respect others and treat them kindly, but that doesn't mean you need to be their friend. Some people are harmful. I rented a room to a young friend at a fraction of the local market rate. I didn't actually need the money, but I knew that what comes free tends to be regarded as valueless. This "friend" started taking advantage of me in a number of ways. He apparently learned quickly that I have difficulty saying no if I am able to do or provide something. He begged money from me so frequently that I stopped carrying cash in my wallet. He got way behind on his rent because he couldn't keep a job. Of course it was always someone else's fault that he would quit or get fired. I realized that by letting him slide on his rent, I was enabling him to continue his path without him needing to improve himself because he had a safe place to loaf around in. It wasn't long after I stopped carrying cash that he started asking to borrow my credit card! I finally gave him an eviction letter allowing a full month to get back on track with rent. He let the time pass without action. He actually acted surprised when I asked if he was ready to move out. He made references to jumping off a bridge if I evicted him. About a week after he left, a sheriff's deputy banged on my door at 2:30 AM asking if I could go to the hospital. My "friend " had jumped off a bridge and he had my info in his wallet as emergency contact. At the hospital, they wanted me to give clearance for treatment because he was too drugged with pain meds to be coherent. I explained that I was not family and was just his former landlord and really couldn't make medical decisions for him. He did get the surgeries he needed and was released. But he doesn't live here anymore. And yet after all the above, I feel guilty not letting him come back here. Not everyone is worthy of being your friend.

Yeah I have felt guilty at times but I cannot forget the peace I feel away from them.
Yet they are still Gods children and I do feel He might be angry and I have let Him down
But they are triggers too in the first place and their issues are beyond me to fix, it is God's hand and will.
And it is not my fault for their inadequacies and issues in the faith, it is no beyond my control then I think God will think I have to be extra nice because of it and it is trigger
And also how people get our of control judging abortion, lgbtqa etc or whatever and also Catholics for some reason and these crazy issues where they think the vaccine is the mark of the beast when Facebook/instragram obviously is, donald trump was a good president, crystals and tarot cards are bad always the same issues
And I will tell u what autistics will not even be as close minded as that.
And so. Conservative too and some people border on hate speech on people who experience sexually differently as well as abortion sometimes and it goes the other way who feel that and experience that and go through that hate them back and cannot be heard without someone jumping down their throat or telling them how wrong they are.

 

[MC1Rcat]

It doesn't make you a bad person at all.

Sounds like what you described is just growing older. Learning that we aren't still on the kindergarten playground where teachers say everyone must be friends.

It doesn't seem that dark to me to have preferences in who we choose to get close with and boundaries with those we do.

I agree. I think it is very healthy to have good boundaries. Even NTs are not friends with everyone they come across. It is okay to just be polite and not engage with everyone. That's what I do. The people we surround ourselves with have an influence on our minds, moods and lives. I think it is important to encourage positive interaction and to just observe the negative without engaging too much. It is a way of choosing how my life will be and I am much happier that way.

 

[elgat0verde]

Dude

I don't wanna be friends with ANY people lol!

 

[NB79]

This should not stop you from being respectful etc, but i think is normal some people are 'incompatible' with each other and don't get along/form friendships well between them.

 

[Aspychata]

My dark trait is l will have an instant dislike for someone. However, l later find, l was right about not liking them. The other thing, is a person's voice that grates on my nerves. Some voices sound just raw, and rachet. I met a guy on some app. We never talked. Seemed nice, took care of his mom. But the minute we started talking on the phone was when it ended. It was just too hard for me. I would need tranquilizers to talk to them.

 

[AprilR]

I understand. I try not to get angry at people and try to be kind and friendly to people. But some people, i wont say they dont deserve it, but they are beyond the kind of person i can understand and connect with. Let someone else be friends with them, not me

 

[Tyer]

Now I wonder, which kind of people are easier to connect to?
I know it depends on the person one asks.
Personaly, since I was little, I felt the most comfortable with the 'outsiders'. The people pushed to the side, or the ones who intentionaly wanted to be left alone.
I also kinda attracted them accidently, (especially the really shy ones,), and those 'motherly/protective types'. (But I guess the later was attracted by my short hight and helpless look...) ...well, those tend to be social with alot of empathy, they probably put themself in the shoes of others quit often. Thats why I like such caring people too. They are...easier.
Yes, the outcasts and the teddybears are the easiest to be around for me.

(I like actually almost all kind of peoples, I dont know why. But some exaust me really fast and others not as much. I dislike people who judge others way to quick and talk bad about others all the time, they feel like the type of people who start bullying others just because theyre diffrent or a bit too shy for their taste or whatever reason they have. Just....just dont bully others.
Dislike them all you want, but dont talk crap or bully/harm them. Well....I dont think anyone here bullies others.)

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I understand. I try not to get angry at people and try to be kind and friendly to people. But some people, i wont say they dont deserve it, but they are beyond the kind of person i can understand and connect with. Let someone else be friends with them, not me

That is the same as with me, I think autistics have good perceptions with this where...
Some people you try to get along with and I know it can cause masking and masking can make u sick as well
But some people are so negative, disagreeable, stubborn and annoying that it is unbearable.
I know it is probably just because of social media never do it and their 'problems'
Some NT just sit in their pits forever, never able to do one thing to help themselves or have any hope that things will get better or not capacity to move out of them.
And if you have insomnia each night, you would think you would get tired enough to ask a doctor and if that is not available get a book or look online with tips and then try to put them in practice and if they are too dumb to help themselves then who will because some could still be like now.
And I cannot sleep when I am unwell listen to them complain about their insomnia. And I definitely have some insomnia too but the moment I went away I slept better and also I did do things to.help myself like teas, crystals, reading
I sleep well quite good normally but do have soke insomnia at times but really I do not want to think about it all. Too upsetting

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Now I wonder, which kind of people are easier to connect to?
I know it depends on the person one asks.
Personaly, since I was little, I felt the most comfortable with the 'outsiders'. The people pushed to the side, or the ones who intentionaly wanted to be left alone.
I also kinda attracted them accidently, (especially the really shy ones,), and those 'motherly/protective types'. (But I guess the later was attracted by my short hight and helpless look...) ...well, those tend to be social with alot of empathy, they probably put themself in the shoes of others quit often. Thats why I like such caring people too. They are...easier.
Yes, the outcasts and the teddybears are the easiest to be around for me.

(I like actually almost all kind of peoples, I dont know why. But some exaust me really fast and others not as much. I dislike people who judge others way to quick and talk bad about others all the time, they feel like the type of people who start bullying others just because theyre diffrent or a bit too shy for their taste or whatever reason they have. Just....just dont bully others.
Dislike them all you want, but dont talk crap or bully/harm them. Well....I dont think anyone here bullies others.)

I like outcasts and teddy bears too.
They always take you by surprise.
It is hard to fit a box, I may not be do not believe I should be punished for it.
I have many regrets and one of them is giving up a life with people who probably do and finding people who value me to waste time suffering for people who do not value me at all or repay me for my goodness.
I should not be having to self harm myself because I did not please God enough by sitting in a box and my sickness was not enough for him

 

[Tyer]

I like outcasts and teddy bears too.
They always take you by surprise.
It is hard to fit a box, I may not be do not believe I should be punished for it.
I have many regrets and one of them is giving up a life with people who probably do and finding people who value me to waste time suffering for people who do not value me at all or repay me for my goodness.
I should not be having to self harm myself because I did not please God enough by sitting in a box and my sickness was not enough for him

In my belief god doesnt want you to please him.
God doesnt leave his children, not even after they killed. (Old testament, kain and abel story, god didnt leave kain, he protected him.)
As long as you believe in him, youre not alone.

Im not really religious. And I totaly dont want to annoy the peoply with the following things I say. But you might consider to just sit and listen for a bit.
Everyone decides in the end for themself anyway.

(Im a catholic by the way. And I big mouth about the wrongs and good christianity did. and the irony the constantly produce. Its almost funny if it wouldnt be so sad.
And I snatch at people who tell harmfull stuff.
I was raised with the intention that god means love. That everyone deserves love.
_Like... ehm...god is a blanket, and if its put over you or others, youre loved.
meaning, everything under the blanket, is loved._
So, if a homophobic, or racist, or whoever, shows up and tells stuff like; "they are a sickness to gods eye!" [This is just an example]
I get pissed at them. I dont care what reason such a person has, abusing gods name just for the own incability to accept things is a pretty pathetic thing to do. <be racist if you want to, say dumb things, just dont you dare harm others or making their life harder or miserable [this is just an example too]>
The abrahamic religions all came from one origin. One belief system. build for the outcasted ones. The weak, the poor, the old, sick, children, women, men, the disabled, etc. For the "unworthy". Were brothers, sisters, gods children.
the organisation/belief was meant to be a help. Helping each other, loving each other.
Accepting each other.
To be part of a family.
A place to come back to if you struggle. people who catch you if you fall.
Thats why the religion got so popular in the first place. It was a system. A care system. That accepted all those who got rejected by the others.
It was never intended to crush or force others.)
(things developed, and changed. Some things more, some less. It depends. Im not here to discuss religion, tho. Im here to assure you. If you are religious, and your belief got warped by others or they sticked their belief onto yours... making you think, you are not good enough for god. Than those people have no freaking clue, that god in the original form, totaly stands right beside YOU. Because if you are "unworthy" and not "good enough" than god is the entity you belong to the most. He doest cast out.
He doesnt favor. He is with you, always. Because in gods eyes, the "unworthy" are "worthy" enough for him.)

in short, if others can have weird beliefs of an entity that cares appearently so much, if you (you, one little human around millions others) are "worthy" or not....well, then I can also believe, that he totaly wants you.
How can others determine what you should believe and what not.
At least, belief in yourself. Youre not as lonely as you think. You have one little thing you have to protect at all cost. And thats -you-, the innocent little child you once were, and that shoulders no fault for being the way it is.
It deserves love and care.
And you better fight for it, like a mother-bear fights for her cubs.

You dont deserve punishment. You deserve love.
And alot of acceptance.

You have at least one friend here who doesnt judge you. (Even if, you maybe rather not want that friend. ...its maybe not that type of friend your looking for either. But I think alot of us here, accept you for who you are. And we want to listen to you. And some even want to be your friend. Like me.)
(please note; the type of friend who always listens and cares. But lives on the other side of the planet and cant come to visit.)