Ex-friend trouble at work

[Arashi222]

I have this ex-friend who happens to be a co-worker (yah I know that sucks). But in a vain attempt to keep her as a friend I wrote her a long letter about 2.5 pages long plus a little attached three sheeter about how to relate to people with AS. I hadn't told her before this. I thought that maybe this would help start the friendship over if she could understand that my behavior was not because I was being maniuplative to ward her in any way, but that I needed thing to be a certain way in order for me to function. I had never told anyone up until the issues with her and her friend (they are both my ex-friends now).

Anyway. I guess my issues is that Ex-friend has told me that she read the letter but now treats me even worse. She purposely makes a show of avoiding me, glares at me she doesn't stop staring me now and often talks to this other girl (the one I wrote about in my previous thread about her making comments to my guy friend that were inappropriate). They flaunt their friendship in front of me and I am almost sure they are doing it on purpose to upset me.

Any thoughts on how to handle this? I am unsure what to do about it. I don't want her to get in trouble or anything like that. I mean she was the one that told me to stay away from her(even though her mom still talks to me). She told me she would be civil towards me and she's being the immature one.

 

[Bay]

I guess I might ask if I could meet with her some time, say, for coffee or something, and tell her that I miss her friendship and ask if she is angry with me and why. If she won't discuss it with you then at least you know you tried everything that you could. But perhaps she will be willing to have a frank discussion with you and will welcome the opportunity to air her "grievances". You will then be able to do what you can to clear up misunderstandings.

Either way, though, I would go into to it hoping for the best but prepared for the worst. And I would ask myself if this person is worthy of my friendship. I have walked away from some people because they caused me more pain than anything else.

I am so sorry that you are in this position. You clearly have a good heart, and I'm sure that it will shine through.

 

[Arashi222]

I guess I might ask if I could meet with her some time, say, for coffee or something, and tell her that I miss her friendship and ask if she is angry with me and why. If she won't discuss it with you then at least you know you tried everything that you could. But perhaps she will be willing to have a frank discussion with you and will welcome the opportunity to air her "grievances". You will then be able to do what you can to clear up misunderstandings.

Either way, though, I would go into to it hoping for the best but prepared for the worst. And I would ask myself if this person is worthy of my friendship. I have walked away from some people because they caused me more pain than anything else.

I am so sorry that you are in this position. You clearly have a good heart, and I'm sure that it will shine through.

I wrote that in my letter. That I wanted to meet her for coffee or something or even talk on the phone and just tell me what she wants because she is giving me all these signals and says one thing but then does another and like most people with AS that is just too hard for me to get sometimes. I know what her issues with the friendship though. She told me that I was a manipulative ***** who was controlling and needed counseling. (Mind at the time back in October of 2011 she didn't know I had AS. I didn't tell anyone. Because If they were truely my friends I don't think it would matter. Sigh... It wouldn't be soo hard to let go of except for the fact that she was like my best friend for 3yrs. She threw it all away because of a fight that didn't even involve her it involved a mutual friend of ours (that is also no longer my friend because of this because she choose the other person's side).

See I feel, or at least they have both made me feel like I'm the person causing more drama. They nicknamed me Drama Llama. Because little things annoy the hell out of me. I tend to be very sensitive to situations and as a result after opening up to them I am now completely skiddish of attempting friendships. Even on here I tend to over analyze my behavior and freak out when I deem to myself that I have hurt someone. I panic.

I am trying to let this go but I work with this person. She makes it very hard just to be. I feel like I can't go back to the Deli when she's there so no real food for me. I can't even try to talk to her because she avoids me or uses what I perceive as harsh language. Plus even before this and even now if I start to get worked up she tells me not to feel that way. Like its her choose. She told me back in October that in order to be my friend I had to go get counseling for my 'issues'. now she has issues too and I don't hold them against her I don't require her to get counseling to be her friend. I don't know. I was talking to one other person on here about it too and I am just having trouble deciding what hte best course of action in this situation is. Maybe it is all on me.

Bay: Thanks so much for your support. I just don't know what to do anymore. Her mom still talks to me and is nice to me (she also works at the store.)

 

[GhettoButterFly]

Hm... this does sound like a complicated situation. Your "ex-friend" is the one being immature like you just said. If she really was a true friend, she would actually try to understand you despite of the Aspergers. Her calling you those rude names are uncalled for, especially if she called you that at work. I would of been transferred jobs if I was in your position, even if it meant a two week notice.

Those people are the drama starters not you. I don't know if writing the letter was a good idea, but then again that is just me. You did what was the right thing for you.

Is this causing you to have a hostile work environment?

You might just have to not be friends with this person or group of people, if they are being this uncivil towards you.

It's easier said then done, which is true. I have trouble breaking off toxic friendships, and tend to let them continue. Even if it means my own sanity at times. You're a great person and deserve better. Those two people sound like phonies to me. That's just what I can tell from your postings.

I hope your situation gets better or works out to your advantage in the long run.

 

[Bay]

This may not be helpful, but she sounds like one of those people that I, personally, would walk away from (figuratively speaking). I had a similar problem once with a boss who was once my friend. When she decided that I was "against" her I became either invisible or someone to be belittled, depending on her mood, I guess. It was one of the most stressful periods of my life and I ultimately had to leave that job, which I loved. For me it became a question of completely diminished returns. I became physically ill from the stress. It was not worth the damage to myself. Please do not let that happen to you, you are worth more than that!

 

[2010Dolby]

Arashi: How old are you?

Im asking because social norms are different by gender and age. Im a 19 year old guy and if I wrote a letter to another guy about this subject it would be a terrible backfire. When I was in 6th grade I found out the hard way that it doesn't matter how smart an NT is, plain black & white logic isnt a way to start a friendship with them. It makes sense to me that if I want to start hanging out with someone I'll say, "Wanna go cruising?" but that would make me look weird. Instead non-Aspies go off of subtle cues and things like that.

 

[Arashi222]

Hm... this does sound like a complicated situation. Your "ex-friend" is the one being immature like you just said. If she really was a true friend, she would actually try to understand you despite of the Aspergers. Her calling you those rude names are uncalled for, especially if she called you that at work. I would of been transferred jobs if I was in your position, even if it meant a two week notice.

Those people are the drama starters not you. I don't know if writing the letter was a good idea, but then again that is just me. You did what was the right thing for you.

Is this causing you to have a hostile work environment?

You might just have to not be friends with this person or group of people, if they are being this uncivil towards you.

It's easier said then done, which is true. I have trouble breaking off toxic friendships, and tend to let them continue. Even if it means my own sanity at times. You're a great person and deserve better. Those two people sound like phonies to me. That's just what I can tell from your postings.

I hope your situation gets better or works out to your advantage in the long run.

See the thing is I've worked there a lot longer than she has. I've been there for 11yrs. I just can't give in like that. See she would take it as the fact that she won some imaginary war or something. I don't know if its hostile but I feel like I have to avoid her just to not feel bad. Her mom is so nice too. She always talks to me and stuff like it was before she stopped being my friend.

I probably should have told I have Asperger's long ago but you know what it shouldn't matter. If she was real friend my thing would be that she would be able to deal with my weird stuff and not see it as being manipulative. You and me both. I have trouble letting friends go. I had my closest friend pass away and I hadn't had close friends since then always afraid of loosing them. Any I meet this person we can call her D. And she was amazing and then three years went by and it was always the same stuff.

Thanks I hope it does to. plus we're into the same things she actually got me into my dolls and now I am unsure weather i can even attempt to go to the dollmeet (having both of them be there). Sigh...This is so hard.

This may not be helpful, but she sounds like one of those people that I, personally, would walk away from (figuratively speaking). I had a similar problem once with a boss who was once my friend. When she decided that I was "against" her I became either invisible or someone to be belittled, depending on her mood, I guess. It was one of the most stressful periods of my life and I ultimately had to leave that job, which I loved. For me it became a question of completely diminished returns. I became physically ill from the stress. It was not worth the damage to myself. Please do not let that happen to you, you are worth more than that!

I always find that I listen when I ask. So all forms of help are nice. I wish I could walk away from this job. But I can't. I've been there longer. I just It is stressful for me. Like today she was staring at me again. WHile I was helping someone and looked up and then she purposely turned away from me. She thinks I'm crazy because I need to have things always be the same. That I always need to know what is happening that because I get upset when things don't go the way they were supposed to then I need counseling. The hard part is I still want to be her friend (I guess I really don't want to throw away three years of friendship or maybe I just feel like we were better friends than that)

Thanks for your support Bay. You always have great things to give me thoughts. I will try not to let that happen to me. I keep hoping to find a job in my field and then leave my other job.

Arashi: How old are you?

Im asking because social norms are different by gender and age. Im a 19 year old guy and if I wrote a letter to another guy about this subject it would be a terrible backfire. When I was in 6th grade I found out the hard way that it doesn't matter how smart an NT is, plain black & white logic isnt a way to start a friendship with them. It makes sense to me that if I want to start hanging out with someone I'll say, "Wanna go cruising?" but that would make me look weird. Instead non-Aspies go off of subtle cues and things like that.

Dolby: I am 30yrs old and a female.

Yah she always used to tell me that You're so black and white there's no gray with you. No there isn't gray with me and she knew that going into the friendship years ago. But I never told her about my Asperger's because I figured that it really shouldn't matter. I'm a good person. I have tried to do anything I can to try to talk to her about the letter that she said she would read. To be honest I don't think she read it. She demands I get counseling in order to be her friend again. It was a desperate stupid move to tell either her or her friend that I have AS. But I never thought that everything would end so badly.

Plus I want to go to this doll meet and guess who wants to go to...that's right D & C the two people that I have been talking about. Its a small meet. I am afraid to go now. Even though I already said I would be going before they said they were going.

This whole thing just sucks. I don't know. I need some ideas or thoughts.

 

[Bay]

Arashi, although I had to walk away from my job, I don't mean to suggest that you do the same. But I wonder if you might consider "walking away" from your former friend. She doesn't sound as though she is good for you and is, perhaps, a bit toxic? Clearly this is causing you a great deal of pain, and at some point you must consider your own well-being. Knowing her as you do (with her newly-displayed behavior included), what is in YOUR best interest? You have training in social work; what would you advise if you had a client with the same problem?

 

[Arashi222]

Arashi, although I had to walk away from my job, I don't mean to suggest that you do the same. But I wonder if you might consider "walking away" from your former friend. She doesn't sound as though she is good for you and is, perhaps, a bit toxic? Clearly this is causing you a great deal of pain, and at some point you must consider your own well-being. Knowing her as you do (with her newly-displayed behavior included), what is in YOUR best interest? You have training in social work; what would you advise if you had a client with the same problem?

Well in my training i would probably try to help them let go and move on seeing as it appearts they have tried everything that seems appropriate to do. yes it is causing me pain a lot of it. I am trying to let go. My thing is that there are so many things that we are both interested in that we will see each other at work, or at doll meets. I guess at this point since she is not responding to my instrucions to be more direct with me. I just feel all panicky inside when she's around now. Plus I want to go to the dollie meet but they are small and there is no way that I won't be in a small area with them there. I feel bad that you had to quit your job to get away from the stress.

I have asked myself that question over and over again Bay. What would I do but the simple answer to that would be walk away and ignore her and try to move on. Which is hard. But the not so simple answer is granted I have training in the matter but its hard to do it to yourself. I can help other people I suck at helping myself sometimes. I have trouble letting things go. I don't want to let her go. We had great times for 3yrs. We were best of friends. We did everything together the three of us. Then they both started treating me crappy and i would get upset and tell them to stop and they would say there weren't doing anything and now here we are not friends because I couldn't keep my mouth shut about how they were making me feel and how frustrated I was with both of them and their behavior.

Thanks Bay I always seem to be able to get farther when you tell me stuff. I'm moving in the right direction I think. Sometimes I guess we just need to type it out.

 

[GhettoButterFly]

Bay gave ya' some really good advice there. I didn't know the details of your job (or the true matter of your situation), so I couldn't give you any "useful" advice. Since you been there for a "long time". It isn't worth walking away from your job over that one person. Like you said, it would give her that satisfaction of "winning".

Don't let them stop you from going to that doll meet, if you want to go then go. Don't let them take your joy away from you. If you see them, just pretend they aren't there. :S Even if it hurts at first or for a long while.

You're older than I am, so you have more real world experiences than I do (at least six years more plus actually work world experience).

Disclosing Asperger's Syndrome always isn't the best idea, some people are very judgmental and what not. That's your personal business and only disclose if you want to. If they were really your friends, you wouldn't have to disclose unless it was something major.

 

[Arashi222]

Bay gave ya' some really good advice there. I didn't know the details of your job (or the true matter of your situation), so I couldn't give you any "useful" advice. Since you been there for a "long time". It isn't worth walking away from your job over that one person. Like you said, it would give her that satisfaction of "winning".

Don't let them stop you from going to that doll meet, if you want to go then go. Don't let them take your joy away from you. If you see them, just pretend they aren't there. :S Even if it hurts at first or for a long while.

You're older than I am, so you have more real world experiences than I do (at least six years more plus actually work world experience).

Disclosing Asperger's Syndrome always isn't the best idea, some people are very judgmental and what not. That's your personal business and only disclose if you want to. If they were really your friends, you wouldn't have to disclose unless it was something major.

It does hurt. Its silly but I just feel like I got taken for a ride. We all have experiences and don't discount your experiences they just offer different perspective than others. I don't want her to win this stupid imaginary war.

As to the doll meet...I really don't know. A lot of the people I would talk to there would be people that I was introduced to by the D & C. I don't even know if I would be welcome by those people. I mean the person who is willing to give me a ride if I can't get my close family friend to do it I don't know well. But I just don't want to end up under the table with anxiety (I'll have to bring my protector character if I do go). See I asked in my letter to D that I would at least like to talk to her before the meet get coffee or something and just talk about what I wrote in the letter.

You are right it should be our own personal buisness whether we disclose our diagnosis or not and what that means for us. I just I feel like I had to disclose at that point. Because the things they were doing to me were just causing me so many issues that are part of my AS and they kept telling me not to feel what I was feeling all teh time. Its stupid I know i should know better. But I couldn't believe that D uninvited me to her b-day party I mean it was like really. And C was the one that called me a drama llama and that I was liar of omission just because I never told her until I felt like they just weren't getting it or taking my issues seriously.

Thanks for you support. I feel like you guys have really listened to me. Thanks!!!!
Oh GhettoButerfly: I like your avatar.

 

[Spinning Compass]

This reminds me of when I was in high school!

I think that you are best off not trying to re-establish the friendship. She's not your friend and will continue to use your Asperger's against you. The more you tell her the more ammunition you give her. Neurotypicals like her (and I've run into my share over my lifetime) are NOT interested in learning about Asperger's. They've already made up their minds as to who and what you are.

One of the biggest problems we have as Aspies is that we tend to overexplain things. The average NT wants things short, simple and sweet. If you feel you MUST explain your Aspergers in a letter or in e-mail (why?) a short paragraph is more than sufficient. Definitely not more than one page. But if you are at the stage where you feel you must explain/defend yourself things have already gone a bit too far. Plus, once you have written or e-mailed these things you have lost control of them. You do not know where that letter went or what became of it or who has it. Your friends may be passing your letter around at work behind your back and making fun of it and you.

I know, it is hard. I had some neighbors that I was in a long-standing "friendship" with that really were no friends at all, and they tried to get me in trouble at work by spreading rumors about me saying something nasty about my boss's daughter. I don't know these people you are talking about but I can picture them, the narrowed eyes, the smirking mouths. You don't owe them an explanation. You don't owe them anything.

Keep your dignity. Accept the fact that this friendship is over and try to have as little to do with them as possible. DO NOT discuss them with anyone else at work. As someone else said, they are the ones being immature. Don't add fuel to the fire. Ignore them.

 

[Arashi222]

This reminds me of when I was in high school!

I think that you are best off not trying to re-establish the friendship. She's not your friend and will continue to use your Asperger's against you. The more you tell her the more ammunition you give her. Neurotypicals like her (and I've run into my share over my lifetime) are NOT interested in learning about Asperger's. They've already made up their minds as to who and what you are.

One of the biggest problems we have as Aspies is that we tend to overexplain things. The average NT wants things short, simple and sweet. If you feel you MUST explain your Aspergers in a letter or in e-mail (why?) a short paragraph is more than sufficient. Definitely not more than one page. But if you are at the stage where you feel you must explain/defend yourself things have already gone a bit too far. Plus, once you have written or e-mailed these things you have lost control of them. You do not know where that letter went or what became of it or who has it. Your friends may be passing your letter around at work behind your back and making fun of it and you.

I know, it is hard. I had some neighbors that I was in a long-standing "friendship" with that really were no friends at all, and they tried to get me in trouble at work by spreading rumors about me saying something nasty about my boss's daughter. I don't know these people you are talking about but I can picture them, the narrowed eyes, the smirking mouths. You don't owe them an explanation. You don't owe them anything.

Keep your dignity. Accept the fact that this friendship is over and try to have as little to do with them as possible. DO NOT discuss them with anyone else at work. As someone else said, they are the ones being immature. Don't add fuel to the fire. Ignore them.

Thanks for the support. The problem is that said ex-friend and I have a lot in common. She got me into doll collecting too which is hard because like this weekend there is a meet she will more than likely be there with the other friend of hers (that doesn't work at my store) but that told me I was a horrid person because I didn't tell them right away.

I don't bring her up or talk about her at work. I only answer questions from the close people that know I have AS and want to know what's still going on with the situtation.

So I am not the only one that considers her behavior childish and immature. I mean the girl back in October when this whole I don't want to be your friend thing started uninvited me to her b-day party. I was of course crushed. She does not believe that my behavior was due to AS she believes that its just that I'm crazy and maniplative. She purposely does things she knows is going to hurt me. I know my job is in a grocery store, I know that its full of immature people. But its hard to be an adult with AS anyway and then being surrounded by this.

I am sorry you had a similar situation. I just I just want her to go away. I want the one that doesn't work there that called me a liar to give me my dollie stuff back and frabic and things that she has of mine but she's so mean that they both have blocked me on our BJD forum (which I didn't need) so I can't demand any of my stuff back from other friend. Work ex-friend just falunts her relationship with her new work BFF which just makes me so angry and sad.

But you are right. I get that I probably shouldn't have had to explain, that by the time it has gotten to this point she didn't accept me as me without knowing about my AS why did I think that she would accept me with knowing? I don't know it was desperate. I am pretty sure that its not being shared with others because I've been there way longer. They all know me way better than they know her its just...it stops me from doing the things I like to do just because of the fear of her being there or being in deli where she works I can't get real food.

 

[Bay]

Arashi, I think you sound like the better person in all of this. Please take some comfort in knowing this.

 

[Arashi222]

Arashi, I think you sound like the better person in all of this. Please take some comfort in knowing this.

Thanks Bay!

Like today I came into the break room having been sent on break and find she's in there. I interjected a comment to another co-worker because it was a mundance conversation that was about how customers are. As soon as other person left she got on her phone cutting me off. I keep trying to talk to her I just want to know what's going to happen at the meet. Because right now at work she shuns me and makes sure she flaunts her new relationships with people.

I just wish that I didn't have to deal with her almost every day. I think with the doll meet planned and my new friend in tow I just don't know how I am gonna survive being in the same room with them. At least Ex-friend the co-worker doesn't talk to me period. Its the other ex-friend that I was like I never wanted to see again. After the PM on our dollie site I got sent after in frustration telling her that I had AS and that I was a liar that I didn't or couldn't possibly have AS. That I was a liar of Omission because I didn't tell them. Well personally I think its personal choice as to who you tell.

Sigh....Thanks Bay I'm glad people here seem to understand.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I'd just go to the doll meet and act like nothing has happened, which I know is easier said than done. Don't let any of them stop you from doing things you enjoy. Hold your head up because you are by far the better person.

Don't keep trying to talk to her. She's made it clear by her actions that she doesn't want to talk to you and pursuing will only make things worse. Yes, I understand you want closure, you want to know what is going on, but I've learned over the years sometimes you have to live without these answers.

Is the doll community big enough that you can make other friends and avoid these people? As far as the things you lent out, you may have to write them off as a loss. I've gotten very selective over the years about lending things out to other people having gotten burned a few times. A clue--never volunteer to lend something that wasn't asked for. And never lend anything that you value or can't live without.

Some people are just mean and I don't know why. I enjoy community theater but there are a few actors that I will not work with having been burned. Fortunately the theater world is big enough that we don't have to cross paths that often and knowing what kinds of plays they are most likely to try out for makes it easier for me to avoid them. I just say that I am busy and can't make that commitment. Pretty soon word gets around about who plays nice and who doesn't, as I am not the only person who has "won't act with" lists. (I hope I'm not on any one's list or at least anyone who counts!!!) I think if you look around at your doll community you will find decent people that you can interact with and just avoid these losers.

Let them have their moment of glory. Because that may be all they have in life. There was a girl who made a malicious phone call to me on one of the worst days of my life. She thought she really was something then. Well, let me tell you, I have watched this young person ever since she was in elementary school and I see what her life is now and what it is going to be and I am glad that I am not standing in her shoes. I do believe that what goes around comes around and these people will get theirs one of these days. You might not be around to see it and it might not be the way you expected if you do, but trust me, they have their day coming and how.

 

[Arashi222]

I'd just go to the doll meet and act like nothing has happened, which I know is easier said than done. Don't let any of them stop you from doing things you enjoy. Hold your head up because you are by far the better person.

Don't keep trying to talk to her. She's made it clear by her actions that she doesn't want to talk to you and pursuing will only make things worse. Yes, I understand you want closure, you want to know what is going on, but I've learned over the years sometimes you have to live without these answers.

Is the doll community big enough that you can make other friends and avoid these people? As far as the things you lent out, you may have to write them off as a loss. I've gotten very selective over the years about lending things out to other people having gotten burned a few times. A clue--never volunteer to lend something that wasn't asked for. And never lend anything that you value or can't live without.

Some people are just mean and I don't know why. I enjoy community theater but there are a few actors that I will not work with having been burned. Fortunately the theater world is big enough that we don't have to cross paths that often and knowing what kinds of plays they are most likely to try out for makes it easier for me to avoid them. I just say that I am busy and can't make that commitment. Pretty soon word gets around about who plays nice and who doesn't, as I am not the only person who has "won't act with" lists. (I hope I'm not on any one's list or at least anyone who counts!!!) I think if you look around at your doll community you will find decent people that you can interact with and just avoid these losers.

Let them have their moment of glory. Because that may be all they have in life. There was a girl who made a malicious phone call to me on one of the worst days of my life. She thought she really was something then. Well, let me tell you, I have watched this young person ever since she was in elementary school and I see what her life is now and what it is going to be and I am glad that I am not standing in her shoes. I do believe that what goes around comes around and these people will get theirs one of these days. You might not be around to see it and it might not be the way you expected if you do, but trust me, they have their day coming and how.

Thank you Spinning Compass. That means a lot to me.

I know its hard. I just got confirmation that they are going. The doll community is wide but the in town meets are pretty small. Maybe 10-15 people usually. I think I have made a new friend. But it is hard when I just want it to be over. I just want the closure. I am not getting it because of what she said in October. SHe was like if you get counseling for your 'issues' I'll be your friend again. I was like seriously. So being stupid I told her that Therapy is not going to fix my issues..they are part of me and she has issues to.

I get what you are saying. It means so much to me that people here seem to understand what I am going through with this. And how much time I have spent ruminating on this whole mess and continue too because of the fact that I work with her. she got me into the hobby even though I've always loved dolls. But it is confirmed they are going to be there. Though my ride did say I could hang out with her and I am going to her house after the meet (so I think I've made a new friend in my ride). She told me the same thing and that we can leave if I get really uncomfy.

You guys have been great. I just get all anxious about it as most of you know. I also just don't want to rock the boat because I haven't gone to a doll meet since last October in fear of them. I was the first one to say I was going to the meet then they were all we're going. I have this sick feeling that they are going to sit in the corner and talk about me.

But you're right they will get there's someday. I just feel so stupid now....plus the most important thing in all of this I don't know what the dollies are going to wear (joking so I don't cry.)

 

[rvrgrl91]

Hi there. I know I'm a little late to join in coversation but your story seems to very vividly mirror mine (although I don't have AS)> The issue with me started about 6months ago or so and is extremely difficult so I understand your stress completely as I am feeling it!! Just wondering what the outcome was? and any advice would be greatly appreciated as my D & C are both at my job place and it makes my very uncomfortable, sad, stressed no matter how hard I try to brush it or them off. :help: