Experiences with people pleasing

[Lobelty]

Hello everyone,
This topic is troubling me for some days now and I think I just had to get it out somewhere and also hope you could share some of your own experiences.


I have noticed I am a huge people pleaser and I don’t know how to feel about it. Except for some kinds of people, I basically try and befriend every person I meet.

On one hand I feel like it made my life a lot easier so far, because in school I basically avoided bullying this way and I am less anxious around people if I know they are friendly towards me.
However, when I am friendly to people, I don’t just do it out of fear that they’d not accept me if I wouldn’t do it. In many cases, I also feel a strong desire to just get to know them because it can feel so rewarding when you learn about their lives and it helps you understand why they act the way they do.

On the other hand this is of course hard to keep up with sometimes, especially when two people you like dislike each other and you are kind of trapped in the middle not wanting to pick a side. Also it brings along the inability to set boundaries for myself so I sometimes find myself in very draining social interactions. But what I’m most worried about is that I feel like this went to a point, where I don’t even know what my interests are anymore. Especially recently, I felt like my life only consists of working/uni, sleeping and social interactions that I felt dragged into because I failed to set boundaries. And then even when I have time for myself I don’t even know what to do with myself, like I don’t even know anymore what it is that I like to do and that is worrying me a lot recently.

Of course now the obvious solution seems to be to focus on creating more space for myself, setting boundaries and learning to say no. But that is just so scary. Deep down I just want everyone to be friends with each other because I want to get to know all the wonderful people around me and it feels like I’d have to give that hope up when stopping to behave the way I do currently, which is painful when I feel like it motivates me so much.


Thanks for reading my little rant. I hope what I wrote makes sense to some of you.

What are your experiences with people pleasing? Why do you think you do it? Do you even do it or did it in the past? If you stopped doing it, what was your experience like?

 

[Prometheus]

Sometime I've done this by accident. But I don't generally go out of my way to please people

 

[Rodafina]

Hey, @Lobelty,

You are in good company feeling this way. Many of us have survived and existed in this way for a long while.

You might find this recent thread helpful…

Thread 'People Pleasing'
People Pleasing

I would definitely recommend focusing on building self-confidence and the ability to create and maintain boundaries. I have been a people pleaser all my life, and I am working hard to deconstruct that because it was killing me. After far too many years of it, it actually made me resentful toward others to some extent and when I realized that, it frightened me. I actually think the best way to get along with humans in the world is to create some space, at least for me it is. We need places to completely be ourselves, and although yielding to others may sometimes be an appropriate choice, we deserve to stand tall as ourselves in this world.

 

[Au Naturel]

Hello everyone,
This topic is troubling me for some days now and I think I just had to get it out somewhere and also hope you could share some of your own experiences.


I have noticed I am a huge people pleaser and I don’t know how to feel about it. Except for some kinds of people, I basically try and befriend every person I meet.

On one hand I feel like it made my life a lot easier so far, because in school I basically avoided bullying this way and I am less anxious around people if I know they are friendly towards me.
However, when I am friendly to people, I don’t just do it out of fear that they’d not accept me if I wouldn’t do it. In many cases, I also feel a strong desire to just get to know them because it can feel so rewarding when you learn about their lives and it helps you understand why they act the way they do.

On the other hand this is of course hard to keep up with sometimes, especially when two people you like dislike each other and you are kind of trapped in the middle not wanting to pick a side. Also it brings along the inability to set boundaries for myself so I sometimes find myself in very draining social interactions. But what I’m most worried about is that I feel like this went to a point, where I don’t even know what my interests are anymore. Especially recently, I felt like my life only consists of working/uni, sleeping and social interactions that I felt dragged into because I failed to set boundaries. And then even when I have time for myself I don’t even know what to do with myself, like I don’t even know anymore what it is that I like to do and that is worrying me a lot recently.

Of course now the obvious solution seems to be to focus on creating more space for myself, setting boundaries and learning to say no. But that is just so scary. Deep down I just want everyone to be friends with each other because I want to get to know all the wonderful people around me and it feels like I’d have to give that hope up when stopping to behave the way I do currently, which is painful when I feel like it motivates me so much.


Thanks for reading my little rant. I hope what I wrote makes sense to some of you.

What are your experiences with people pleasing? Why do you think you do it? Do you even do it or did it in the past? If you stopped doing it, what was your experience like?

You could consider yourself fortunate. I spent my first year at college fighting and avoiding a bully. I was NEVER able to be a people pleaser in even the remotest sense. Most of the time, when I did try to be social it was like I didn't exist.

You may never have known what you like to do. There may be nothing out there that sparks your interest. The only way to find that out is to try doing things to see if you like them.

Maybe getting to know people is actually what you need to do with your life and not a distraction from it. That's called being a "people person."

 

[Angular Chap]

Hello @Lobelty,

People pleasing is a big part of masking and I think a lot of us do it as a defense mechanism. The reason I'm a people pleaser is to try to avoid conflict and confrontation.

Looking back, I also tried to befriend most people I met at school and also at my first job. And like yourself, that's probably why I never seemed to get peer bullied.

If someone says something incredibly hurtful to me I end up just saying "Ha ha, yeah, you're right, I am! Thanks for pointing that out to me, I appreciate it!" And I'm not being sarcastic either.

When I went for my first motorcycle lesson, one instructor angrily said to me "You'd be better off getting a bus pass. But that's just my opinion." I replied "Yes, no problem, thanks! I value your opinion!"

I don't have the energy to try to befriend everyone I meet anymore, it burns me out. I now only do a little people pleasing around close family members to keep the peace. Just enough to keep everyone happy enough, but not enough to burn me out.

 

[Jordy]

You could consider yourself fortunate. I spent my first year at college fighting and avoiding a bully. I was NEVER able to be a people pleaser in even the remotest sense. Most of the time, when I did try to be social it was like I didn't exist.

I thought your first year college was great.

 

[The Pandector]

I envy anyone who can formulate a coherent plan to please another person and marshal the resources to carry it out, so can’t imagine doing it regularly.

 

[Au Naturel]

I thought your first year college was great.

It was both horrible and wonderful. I spent a fair amount of time one step away from suicide. Academically I was a basket case. Lost my scholarships. And then I met a compatible lady.

I was never able to be a "people pleaser," no matter what I did. I was mostly a "people annoyer" and sometimes a bully's target. The time I spent with my girl was great, but even then, there was the rest of the day to cope with.

 

[Progster]

I always found it hard to make friends and have always been anxious around people - before I was diagnosed with Asperger's, I was diagnosed with social anxiety.

Unfortunately, people pleasing, for me at least, tends to have one of 2 outcomes: either it pushes people away and the avoid me, or they see it as an opportunity to exploit me and I become a doormat.

At work, I find it hard to say no to requests, or to ask for things such as a bit more money in line with inflation. Rather than wanting to please people, I try to avoid upsetting or offending them, and I have a track record of this - making people angry or annoying them without knowing the reason.

 

[Lobelty]

Thank you for sharing your insights. Reading through them and reading through the other thread helped me a lot and calmed me down a bit.

However at this point I’m still not even sure if my people pleasing is actually just a defense mechanism or if it is just a core part of me wanting to get along with everyone, so there is still some confusion for me.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Hello everyone,
This topic is troubling me for some days now and I think I just had to get it out somewhere and also hope you could share some of your own experiences.


I have noticed I am a huge people pleaser and I don’t know how to feel about it. Except for some kinds of people, I basically try and befriend every person I meet.

On one hand I feel like it made my life a lot easier so far, because in school I basically avoided bullying this way and I am less anxious around people if I know they are friendly towards me.
However, when I am friendly to people, I don’t just do it out of fear that they’d not accept me if I wouldn’t do it. In many cases, I also feel a strong desire to just get to know them because it can feel so rewarding when you learn about their lives and it helps you understand why they act the way they do.

On the other hand this is of course hard to keep up with sometimes, especially when two people you like dislike each other and you are kind of trapped in the middle not wanting to pick a side. Also it brings along the inability to set boundaries for myself so I sometimes find myself in very draining social interactions. But what I’m most worried about is that I feel like this went to a point, where I don’t even know what my interests are anymore. Especially recently, I felt like my life only consists of working/uni, sleeping and social interactions that I felt dragged into because I failed to set boundaries. And then even when I have time for myself I don’t even know what to do with myself, like I don’t even know anymore what it is that I like to do and that is worrying me a lot recently.

Of course now the obvious solution seems to be to focus on creating more space for myself, setting boundaries and learning to say no. But that is just so scary. Deep down I just want everyone to be friends with each other because I want to get to know all the wonderful people around me and it feels like I’d have to give that hope up when stopping to behave the way I do currently, which is painful when I feel like it motivates me so much.


Thanks for reading my little rant. I hope what I wrote makes sense to some of you.

What are your experiences with people pleasing? Why do you think you do it? Do you even do it or did it in the past? If you stopped doing it, what was your experience like?

Any time that I read the words 'people-pleasing' I automatically replace it with 'parent-pleasing.' I don't know what your situation is/was, but as I a child I was expected to always please my parents--essentially, to perform in a way which would result in peace and zero conflict/agitation/nagging/temper/etc. This carried over into retail, where I'd subject myself to neglect of myself in the hopes of causing no conflict with others or the small praise, which I wouldn't believe anyways.

Setting and maintaining boundaries has been super difficult for me. It's terrifying to stand up to your parents and say 'no' to anything because it was always ground into me as a child that I basically had no autonomy.


Since giving up on caring what others think of me, I feel freer. I'm in zero contact with my parents, who always cared only for what I was doing and not how.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hello everyone,
This topic is troubling me for some days now and I think I just had to get it out somewhere and also hope you could share some of your own experiences.


I have noticed I am a huge people pleaser and I don’t know how to feel about it. Except for some kinds of people, I basically try and befriend every person I meet.

On one hand I feel like it made my life a lot easier so far, because in school I basically avoided bullying this way and I am less anxious around people if I know they are friendly towards me.
However, when I am friendly to people, I don’t just do it out of fear that they’d not accept me if I wouldn’t do it. In many cases, I also feel a strong desire to just get to know them because it can feel so rewarding when you learn about their lives and it helps you understand why they act the way they do.

On the other hand this is of course hard to keep up with sometimes, especially when two people you like dislike each other and you are kind of trapped in the middle not wanting to pick a side. Also it brings along the inability to set boundaries for myself so I sometimes find myself in very draining social interactions. But what I’m most worried about is that I feel like this went to a point, where I don’t even know what my interests are anymore. Especially recently, I felt like my life only consists of working/uni, sleeping and social interactions that I felt dragged into because I failed to set boundaries. And then even when I have time for myself I don’t even know what to do with myself, like I don’t even know anymore what it is that I like to do and that is worrying me a lot recently.

Of course now the obvious solution seems to be to focus on creating more space for myself, setting boundaries and learning to say no. But that is just so scary. Deep down I just want everyone to be friends with each other because I want to get to know all the wonderful people around me and it feels like I’d have to give that hope up when stopping to behave the way I do currently, which is painful when I feel like it motivates me so much.


Thanks for reading my little rant. I hope what I wrote makes sense to some of you.

What are your experiences with people pleasing? Why do you think you do it? Do you even do it or did it in the past? If you stopped doing it, what was your experience like?

People pleasing is only of any benefit if it allows you to receive something positive in return. Certainly, we've all likely known the person with their lips perpetually kissing someones rear end. You and others know what's going on, the person who's behind is being kissed knows what's going on, yet, because this person can be "used and manipulated", they get the promotions and the attention. There can be some degree of co-dependency. Two people have to get something out of it.

In the business world, most managers want people under them that are not "disagreeable". If you are a person who will give "push back" and question, many managers will see this as a threat to authority. Their natural inclination would be to hire the person who is capable, but can also be used and manipulated into doing things without resistance.

Something to remember if you are trying to work your way up the corporate ladder. The "alpha" type personalities are not "people pleasers", as they are more concerned with doing the right thing. Natural alpha personalities are effective and are found at the lower ranks of a corporation, but they might get turned down for promotions if there is a "beta" above them. They can be great co-workers, but management will see this as a threat. It's not to say that "alphas" don't make it to the top. Alphas are often the best at the top, as they are not threatened by disagreeable people, however, if there is a "beta" in the upper ranks, the alpha might be better off starting their own business.

So, it it just depends upon your situation, how much crap you want in your face when your lips are kissing their behind, and how desperate you are seeking approval and promotions. Some people are perfectly fine with selling their souls to the Devil when it comes to this.

 

[Angular Chap]

However at this point I’m still not even sure if my people pleasing is actually just a defense mechanism or if it is just a core part of me wanting to get along with everyone, so there is still some confusion for me.

Indeed, Autism can involve much questioning, soul searching, personal reflection, processing and time. There is a journey involved.

 

[paloftoon]

My only boyfriend was a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser tends to work well for jobs. It can lead to a lack of quality communication for quality relationships. Being a people pleaser is a great way to survive doing your job well. Outside of that, for more personal things, not always. In these cases, sometimes it's better to be realistic.

 

[bajariitz37]

I have been struggling with this issue also myself, and only in the last year or so have actually noticed this and taken steps to deconstruct it. I think it stems from childhood family dynamics like it was previously mentioned in this thread, and then we learn to use this behavior in school/work etc. to essentially stay safe.

I think we just have to learn to fight through that resistance, and try to step by step be more authentic, it will most likely cause some "friendships" to end, but trust me you will feel much freer that way.

I don't know if it has ever happened to you, but I have a few times in my life been so burned out (meltdown) that I have gotten so fed up that the people pleasing just kind of dropped off in an instant and I became suddenly very assertive, so that at least shows that us people pleasers have the "real self" under all of that masking, we just need to find it haha

I understand how it can feel scary to "discover" who you really are again but you can also see it as a huge opportunity to recreate yourself in the way you actually want to be. I would suggest thinking about stuff you liked to do as a kid, before most of the people pleasing programming kicked in.

 

[pastelanxiety]

I am a major people pleaser to the point I will almost ignore my own needs in order to keep people around me happy (which is draining and exhausting). I do it for many reasons but mainly fear, including fear of rejection, confrontation, and judgement.

Realistically I know not everyone is going to like me, just as I'm not going to like everyone, however I still find myself doing my best to please everyone around me just to keep the peace and feel some level of acceptance/validation.

Now that I've been diagnosed with Asperger's, I can see how interconnected my masking and people pleasing are. Can't offer much insight on how to stop people pleasing as I am only now trying to break this behaviour.

 

[Traveller__]

I'm in the same boat, except I've gone out of my way to please/help some of these people.

 

[Traveller__]

I relate so much about the part of not knowing myself. I don't know what I like, what I want and what I aspire to.

I'm at a point where I don't feel like doing anything, I start something for a few minutes and then stop, then repeat.

Sorry for hijacking the thread

 

[Lobelty]

I relate so much about the part of not knowing myself. I don't know what I like, what I want and what I aspire to.

I'm at a point where I don't feel like doing anything, I start something for a few minutes and then stop, then repeat.

Sorry for hijacking the thread

Don’t feel bad, this is exactly how I feel. I now got a job and get things done, but now instead of lying in bed all day, I just sit there and don’t know what to do after work so I just clean the bathroom or whatever to distract myself. It’s so bizarre, like I can’t enjoy my free time after being so stressed after exams.

 

[Traveller__]

Don’t feel bad, this is exactly how I feel. I now got a job and get things done, but now instead of lying in bed all day, I just sit there and don’t know what to do after work so I just clean the bathroom or whatever to distract myself. It’s so bizarre, like I can’t enjoy my free time after being so stressed after exams.

It feels like being cheated out of life.

I see everyone around me making plans to hang out or even do something beneficial like taking a course in their free time. And here I am, too tired to even enjoy a video game, watch something or even just get out of my house.