Explaining to my grandparents about my Aspergers/Update

[Ameriblush]

I recently came to terms with my ASD and have been making a ton of changes in my school and work life to accomodate myself as best as I can. Thing is, I need support from my family to get most of these things.
Currently, they're my biggest obstacle to getting what I need.

I live with my grandparents, born in the 1950's. They have a very limited understanding of my situation, especially my aging grandpa. He grew up in a culture where stigmatising those with mental syndromes was common, and even though he has depression and rage issues, he refused to take pills for 5 years after his diagnosis because he was scared of people mocking him as a 'pill-popper'.

These days, he's on meds and is a sweetheart, but he cannot understand my condition no matter how much I try to explain it to him. He heard about my issues with attention and motivation, then simply responded with,"You can just move past it if you work hard enough."

I told him about my anxiety and hand movements, and he just accusef me of having "bad impulse control".

When we first got the diagnosis, he thought of me as the happy toddler I used to be years ago, and couldn't fathom that I was technically 'disabled'. He also thought that the trauma I faced as a child caused it... he didn't understand that ASD isn't a crippling disorder, or that it wasn't caused by abuse.

How can I cause less friction with my elderly guardians and get them to understand my case and be less critical of me and more intuitive about it?

 

[Keigan]

You might not be able to accomplish much, at their age life is known to them and not something that changes.

 

[pjcnet]

It's a difficult one, but if they're at least willing to read you could print them off some information from somewhere such as this, that's assuming your grandparents don't use the Internet (you'll be surprised that some older people actually do these days). They may never fully accept and understand Asperger Syndrome, but even a little more understanding could go a long way.

Edit: Mistake corrected, "You may never fully accept...." changed to "They may never fully accept....".

 

[Ameriblush]

It's a difficult one, but if they're at least willing to read you could print them off some information from somewhere such as this, that's assuming your grandparents don't use the Internet (you'll be surprised that some older people actually do these days). You may never fully accept and understand Asperger Syndrome, but even a little more understanding could go a long way.

I kinda like that article! I just hope they'll read the whole thing, since they are kind of infamous for skimming internet stuff. But I'll try it.

 

[Bolletje]

I explained to my grandparents (born in the 20's and 30's) by using stories about myself when I was a kid. It got a bit long-winded, but it made sure they could place the abstract concept of Aspergers into a familiar frame (events that they had witnessed first-hand in the past).

I could explain about how I get overstimulated sometimes by recounting the many stories of parties at our house, where I would start off friendly and polite with everyone, the perfect little lady, but at some point would break and end up crying uncontrollably in my room for no discernable reason, until the house guests had left.

I could explain about how repetitive behaviour relaxes me by reminiscing about the time my grandparents moved to a new house, and instead of exploring the new house with my sister I chose to spend a few hours cutting the grass on their lawn with a pair of trimming scissors.

I used old stories to explain the way my brain works, and the amazing thing is that they were very understanding and loving. My grandfather (notorious grumpy oldtimer, not a fan of anything to do with emotions) patted me on the head and just stated that they always knew I was a headstrong, unique girl, they just didn't have a name for it. And that they were super proud of me for making my way in a world that's not necessarily designed for people like me. In all honesty, it was a better outcome than I ever expected, and even though it's been a few years, I always tear up a little when I think of that moment.

 

[OkRad]

It is very hard. I have elders and some get it, others say the same thing, "You can get past it if you want". In their day, Ethics and Virtue and all that meant other things. It always amazes me how there is parallel thinking. Women, minorities, animals, kids, etc, treated as unequals and that was OK because they read The Bible or went to church or read Aristotle.

My ancestors were from the North and did not own slaves and were active against social inequalities because they were part of a group that fought for those things very early on. However, they did grow up in an era where people were either "good" or "bad". Very very few were "mentally ill," and those who were , were schizophrenia. There was no such thing as an acceptable difference.

Only recently has the idea of mental illness or being your real self or having a difference come into the light. It was NT or suffer.

So it is not their fault. You live with them and that is hard. Just try never to let them see it because then YOU will be judged. I HATE TO SAY FAKE!!!! Maybe not fake. Well, some ASDs can just do it say to Heck with it. I do kinda try to fake around people I love and don't want to hurt or confuse.

For me, Fake is a sacrifice, but that is just me. I am not sure how to address this, actually.

 

[Ameriblush]

UPDATE

So a day or two ago, I posted that my grandmother and father had trouble coming to terms with my aspergers because of lack of knowledge on the subject, and explaining to them was difficult.

Recently, I brought the subject up with my grandfather specifically. When I was telling him how the AS made me perceive things differently than they did, he stopped me mid-sentence and said he wasn't ready to believe that I had AS yet, he wanted a secondary(at this point, quarternary) opinion from a completely solid, master trained doctor from some high-end institution.

He then continued with the statement that I seemed like a normal happy child when I was young and didn't see anything 'wrong' with me, so it MUST be something else, or just trauma from my mom. Then used the all-time idiosyncratic idea that autism 'didn't exist' in his time to say that something was hokey about the medical profession.

Apparently not knowing something exists = it didn't exist at all in his world. But gramps is a nice guy, and he doesn't want me to have a label or see me as 'disabled' even though my condition isn't crippling in the slightest, intellect-wise. I am getting interviewed by a doctor who will verify to the government if I deserve support, but I don't know how to convince my grans of anything.

 

[Mia]

How can I cause less friction with my elderly guardians and get them to understand my case and be less critical of me and more intuitive about it?

If my father were alive, he would have said a similar thing @Ameriblush. Their generation was stigmatized by anything remotely considered a handicap, outside of golf. Yet he was also a person who was open to understanding and it sounds as if your Grandfather is like that as well.

You don't have to get him to understand autism, it's complicated. What you can do though, is leave around information that not too scientifically based, printed out information about autistic traits and symptoms that apply to you specifically. You could also mention people who are autistic like Bill Gates and Einstein for example. About how their brains worked differently from other people.

You might also stress that having autism makes you more intelligent than some, that it's something of an advantage as it relates to school and other areas. Try to work the information about autism into your daily life with them, not all at once. And leave information around, maybe even get books from the library about it if you can. My father had autistic traits, but would have never thought that they were a result of anything other that his quirks.

 

[Ameriblush]

I'm sorry about the father. But he sounded understanding too, and I want to have a good relationship with him. I'm thinking of ways to drop interesting hints and start conversations with him.

 

[Mia]

I'm sorry about the father.

Thanks, he's been gone for some time. Cared for him very much, he was a good man and someone who I won't forget.