Expressing anger/upset without coming across as "having a go"?

[Ban]

I've been struggling to find a way to express how I'm feeling when I'm angry or upset to my girlfriend that doesn't seem like I'm having a go at her and lead to arguing. A common issue would be something would cause me to me feel angry but she hasn't necessarily "done anything wrong" so I'll know that there isn't something I can point to which fully explains it and just not express it. She would then notice herself I'm angry and ask why and my reason wouldn't really be enough to justify being angry so she would say she doesn't agree with my position which would upset me more because I would feel invalidated. For me the only position I really have is that I feel angry but somewhere along the way it must sound like my position is she has done something wrong. An example would be if we had some sort of plan and she has made some sort of deviation to the plan which was by all accounts reasonable. I would feel angry and upset but I do understand that it's not a valid reason to be angry at someone. What I'm looking for is a way to get across that I'm feeling angry but I do understand that she hasn't gone out her way to upset me. I think once I start to explain how I'm feeling, the anger comes across and even though I'm saying I logically understand she's not trying to upset me the feelings I'm explaining are saying the opposite which still causes a defensive reaction from her to since she will naturally also respond to the feelings.

 

[Ban]

Do you have to express your anger? You say that she for example has made some sort of deviation to a plan which was by all accounts reasonable. You feel angry and upset but you do understand that it's not a valid reason to be angry at someone.

So you shouldn`t be angry with her. I know how it is to be upset about something that other people don`t see as a problem. I think you need a way to deal with it on your own, if you take it out on her every time this happens, she will get tired of it. You shouldn`t have to explain to her that you are upset if you know there really isn`t anything to be upset about. This is a problem you have that you need to work on I think, she should not have to work on it, it sounds like it`s not her fault.

I definitely don't need to take it out on her but by "express anger" I more just mean convey how I'm feeling. Not shout at her or something like that. Usually I do sort of think to myself that it's more something for me to deal with but she is able to pick up that I'm upset and asks why and then its my explanation which causes the issue. I think definitely if I could work on it myself though I would be able to keep it more to upset and less towards angry which would surely be more of an appropriate response.

 

[Suzette]

Why not just have this discussion with her?
Why not give her a chance to get closer to you though understanding you better?

 

[Ban]

Why not just have this discussion with her?
Why not give her a chance to get closer to you though understanding you better?

I think probably taking about it with her more would help. We have talked about it before though and on paper we're basically on the same page and she is pretty understanding. I think the problem arrises because in the moment when I am explaining myself the anger or at least the intensity of emotion is coming across and I think that always seems to point towards her feeling like I'm having a go and she has to justify her actions. So I guess I'm trying to figure out how to explain really strong negative feelings when I don't necessarily think they are logically justified or require a defence from her.

 

[Tom]

TBH, I didn't read past a few sentences. After several hundred, or maybe even thousands of threads it all mushes together and I just try to keep it simple. But such as I think I will share.

There is no way, if you mean express anger/upset at another person, for it not to cause problems.

Additionally, it's my opinion, it's not justified. Not unless you are talking about something trully serious like maliciously killing your house plants. Most stuff people get angry/upset about is piddley crap really and you are just taking out your agression on those closest to you.

You get angry about little stuff (and its almost all little stuff) you take a walk, have some alone time, and get your head back together. What you should be trying to figure out is how not to get angry over little stuff.

 

[Ban]

TBH, I didn't read past a few sentences. After several hundred, or maybe even thousands of threads it all mushes together and I just try to keep it simple. But such as I think I will share.

There is no way, if you mean express anger/upset at another person, for it not to cause problems.

Additionally, it's my opinion, it's not justified. Not unless you are talking about something trully serious like maliciously killing your house plants. Most stuff people get angry/upset about is piddley crap really and you are just taking out your agression on those closest to you.

You get angry about little stuff (and its almost all little stuff) you take a walk, have some alone time, and get your head back together. What you should be trying to figure out is how not to get angry over little stuff.

I do appreciate you sharing your thoughts on it with me although I do feel I would rather you had read my full post as I do agree about it being small things. I do find what you said about learning to not get angry over little things a good place to work from though.

 

[Ban]

Perhaps I should clarify that this post isn't intended to be moaning how she receives my message but more how I can respond to getting upset over something which shouldn't matter in a way which doesn't cause problems. It's not that I want to go out my way to tell her she's upset me but it's usually obvious I'm upset from my face/tone/body language etc and it comes across as though I'm hiding what I'm feeling from her if I don't explain but when I do the reason just seems way to small for how upset I clearly I am.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

My spouse understands that i frequently have a linear way of doing things and I can express my upset when things happen when reality doesn't match my mental map. I would not call it anger, though my rant sometimes upsets her and I have to deal with that.

 

[Ban]

My spouse understands that i frequently have a linear way of doing things and I can express my upset when things happen when reality doesn't match my mental map. I would not call it anger, though my rant sometimes upsets her and I have to deal with that.

Sounds very similar

 

[Binary_Bark]

Just something quick I used to do.
If my girlfriend and I started getting into an argument, we would leave home, go somewhere else. The reason for this is that home is a safe place, no fights, no negativity. When you leave home for the argument, one tends to be more docile and more controlled.

 

[Hypnalis]

Your body's "adrenaline rush" mechanism didn't evolve to help with effective communication.

There's a simple rule for everyone that's almost always correct: don't talk to other people when you're angry.
Let the body effect wear off first.

BTW this seems to be the same pattern as the one in your "Masking without being disingenuous" thread.
You want to say things that are better left unsaid.
Your life will become simpler, and your interactions with other people a lot easier, if you consider how they will perceive and react to what you intend to say, and adjust your words accordingly.

 

[Tom]

Your honest approach to this and response encouraged me to go back and read it all. Let me apologize and just explain I am in a weary state, having just dogded another bullet, medically speaking.

I have limited info, but you sound just like I was. And it took a long time for me to figure it all out and get it under control. It took a ton of communication with my partner, self examination and reasoning things out.

 

[Suzette]

@Ban
I was thinking this morning how there are times when my amygdala is activated in response to some conversations. That amygdala response is commonly refered to "fight or flight". It is a rush of adrenaline and other hormones that are meant to prepare a body to take appropriate action when in danger.
Obviously this is not an appropriate response to conversation.
For me though, when this happens I want to run but I know I can't do that so I end up feeling trapped and this brings on a cascade of emotions. I was to cry. I want to scream and shout.

I have talked to my n.t. spouse about this but he quickly forgets. My description is just not something he can relate to.

Others suggested on my thread to "go quiet" and maybe that's the best thing for you too. It IS a good idea to talk to your girlfriend so that she has the chance of understanding, but she may not always be able to understand each incidence as an example like you described.

It might be a good idea for us both that as soon as we become aware of our involuntary responses we just go quiet. This would allow us both to calm our responses and avoid confusing others too. Just a thought!

 

[Bolletje]

I usually just tell my boyfriend something along the line of “hey, I’m feeling a little irritable right now. I’m not sure what caused it, but it’s definitely not your fault. If I’m a bit snappy, apologies. Just to be safe, maybe just give me a little room for a bit.”

 

[Ban]

Thanks the replies, I think definitely as a few of you said feeling angry isn't really condusive to balanced communication. Maybe having something simple to say like @Bolletje said to just get across that "I'm feeling irritable but its not your fault" is enough for in the moment and keeping the more in depth stuff to when I'm feeling calm. Think I always feel the need to fully explain myself in every situation which seems to always cause problems.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

I usually just tell my boyfriend something along the line of “hey, I’m feeling a little irritable right now. I’m not sure what caused it, but it’s definitely not your fault. If I’m a bit snappy, apologies. Just to be safe, maybe just give me a little room for a bit.”

This is what I do, too. Even If they believe I am angry at them I say "No! I am not angry with you, you did nothing wrong. It's the whole Situation, and I am exhausted." Something like that. If they start defending themselves then it's really important to tell them they did nothing wrong. It's even better when you tell them you don't want them to be upset. Which is at least true for me when I talk to loved ones.

Good Luck!

 

[Bolletje]

This is what I do, too. Even If they believe I am angry at them I say "No! I am not angry with you, you did nothing wrong. It's the whole Situation, and I am exhausted." Something like that. If they start defending themselves then it's really important to tell them they did nothing wrong. It's even better when you tell them you don't want them to be upset. Which is at least true for me when I talk to loved ones.

Good Luck!

Exactly. And if all else fails, I just tell my boyfriend “I’m not mad at you, but I do need to cool off. I’m gonna sit in the bedroom by myself for a bit. I’ll come to you when I’m okay to talk again.”

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

Exactly. And if all else fails, I just tell my boyfriend “I’m not mad at you, but I do need to cool off. I’m gonna sit in the bedroom by myself for a bit. I’ll come to you when I’m okay to talk again.”

Jep, they just need to know it's not their fault and that you love them and (If the don't know how to calm you down) that they do not have to do anything to make it go away because you can do that by yourself.

 

[Storm Hess]

I've been struggling to find a way to express how I'm feeling when I'm angry or upset to my girlfriend that doesn't seem like I'm having a go at her and lead to arguing. A common issue would be something would cause me to me feel angry but she hasn't necessarily "done anything wrong" so I'll know that there isn't something I can point to which fully explains it and just not express it. She would then notice herself I'm angry and ask why and my reason wouldn't really be enough to justify being angry so she would say she doesn't agree with my position which would upset me more because I would feel invalidated. For me the only position I really have is that I feel angry but somewhere along the way it must sound like my position is she has done something wrong. An example would be if we had some sort of plan and she has made some sort of deviation to the plan which was by all accounts reasonable. I would feel angry and upset but I do understand that it's not a valid reason to be angry at someone. What I'm looking for is a way to get across that I'm feeling angry but I do understand that she hasn't gone out her way to upset me. I think once I start to explain how I'm feeling, the anger comes across and even though I'm saying I logically understand she's not trying to upset me the feelings I'm explaining are saying the opposite which still causes a defensive reaction from her to since she will naturally also respond to the feelings.

What makes even more angry is the invalidation of my statements...then she tries to tell me what I feel and how to feel. My head then explodes. It's very difficult to control the anger...I go from 0 to 100 instantly.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

I've been struggling to find a way to express how I'm feeling when I'm angry or upset to my girlfriend that doesn't seem like I'm having a go at her and lead to arguing. A common issue would be something would cause me to me feel angry but she hasn't necessarily "done anything wrong" so I'll know that there isn't something I can point to which fully explains it and just not express it. She would then notice herself I'm angry and ask why and my reason wouldn't really be enough to justify being angry so she would say she doesn't agree with my position which would upset me more because I would feel invalidated. For me the only position I really have is that I feel angry but somewhere along the way it must sound like my position is she has done something wrong. An example would be if we had some sort of plan and she has made some sort of deviation to the plan which was by all accounts reasonable. I would feel angry and upset but I do understand that it's not a valid reason to be angry at someone. What I'm looking for is a way to get across that I'm feeling angry but I do understand that she hasn't gone out her way to upset me. I think once I start to explain how I'm feeling, the anger comes across and even though I'm saying I logically understand she's not trying to upset me the feelings I'm explaining are saying the opposite which still causes a defensive reaction from her to since she will naturally also respond to the feelings.

i`m working on doing that to my mother.