Expressing Thoughts and Feelings to Others

[cherryq]

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my childhood, etc., and realized that a lot of the reason my parents never noticed the struggles I was having was because I never actually told them I was having problems.

• I was an only child for the most part, so me playing by myself wasn't unusual. (My sister got to visit every other weekend and a couple weeks in the summer until I was 7, and then she moved in with us but was a teenager who had high school friends and so I was still kind of like an only child, even then.) What they didn't know is that I also played alone at school, except for a few instances where I'd play with one or two kids at a time. I also didn't understand why my sister wasn't interested in the same things that I was (though now I have a better understanding since we are 7 years apart...things I wanted to do were much to young for her, and vice versa).
• They knew I was "shy" and so it never occurred to them that I may actually be unable to talk when anxious, overwhelmed, or in unfamiliar places. I also never specifically told them I was anxious or overwhelmed. I would just get quiet and they would assume it was because I was "well behaved" and "mature for my age" when I would get so quiet in public.
• They knew I didn't like getting my hands dirty, showers, fireworks, or new foods, but they never asked me why and if they had, I'm not sure I could have expressed the sensory issues in a way they would understand. I know these things impacted me a lot as a kid, but until recently, I never knew that everyone didn't find aversions to slimy foods, very crunchy foods, loud sirens and fireworks, or water. It has only been since realizing this that I've recongized I have sensory issues; I just thought my feelings of pain and fear when encountering these things were normal.
• They would ask me if I was bullied at school, but I'd tell them no because 1) I thought bullying was getting beat up, and I wasn't, and 2) I thought if I told them kids were picking on me a lot that would make me a tattle-tale and I thought that wasn't allowed. It was only on rare occasions that I could tell them about the mean things kids would say to me, and that was if they hurt me very deeply.

There are more examples, but that's just a few. Not being able to express these things to my parents caused a lot of tension between my parents and I in high school and college because they thought I was making things up. They never saw the trouble I had as a kid (despite me thinking that one or two word yes/no answers correctly portrayed the pain I felt in certain situations...). The migraines I got were from loud noises/voices and fluorescent lighting. I would nearly fall asleep in class because the social and sensory exhaustion turned into physical exhaustion. I would essentially shut down after lunch (about 4 hours into the school day). I would lash out at my parents with anger, slamming doors, and yelling before stomping upstairs to my room, and they would attribute that to me hitting the rebellious teenager stage. In reality, I was really overwhelmed but couldn't express from what. In college, I started having what looked like absence seizures (which I then was tested for and thankfully do not have epilepsy), but as the dx'ing psychologist told me, it's me shutting down from overload. I had trouble getting my work finished in time because unlike primary and high school, I had very little structure in my life. I had an un-diagnosed food sensitivity that led to severe pain and a lack of focus + neurological impacts affecting my sleep and strength. They didn't believe my experiences though because doctors couldn't figure them out (I often do not present in a "normal" way when I have medical problems). Much of these things have a direct relationship to me having Asperger's.

Despite now having an ASD dx, they do not believe most of what I go through because I couldn't express my struggles as a kid/teen/young adult. They don't see my problems with planning, switching tasks, etc., because they thought I was purposefully being slow as a kid or just not wanting to do something. They don't see my problem following lots of verbal instructions because as a kid, they thought I was purposefully disobeying them when I legitimately forgot 3/4s or so of the things I was supposed to do. (No, writing sentences over and over saying "I will listen and obey Mommy and Daddy" didn't help...)

I still have problems expressing my emotions, thoughts, and things that give me a hard time. My gf does her best to understand and can read me a little better than most people because we've had long conversations in both text and speech about what life is like for me and things I may need to do differently to make it easier (like lists, or making sure I'm paying full attention before asking me to do something). I want to explain to my parents that I do indeed have issues, but I don't know how to do that because they think of me as a child as being such a good kid with no issues when in reality, that wasn't the case.

How can I express my thoughts and feelings in a way that other people understand? I'm going to be in an office environment soon and imagine I'll have to explain things to people from time-to-time about what I need, such as additional time in a conversation to write down key points or tasks that need to be accomplished. I'd also like to find a way to tell my parents what life was like as a kid (considered writing this out in letter format to them but not sure if they'd see that as impersonal).

P.S. Sorry for such a long post. I've had a lot on my mind lately about this and apparently I had many more thoughts on the matter than I realized. Another problem when I express my thoughts...I sometimes go on for too long...

 

[xudo]

I would nearly fall asleep in class because the social and sensory exhaustion turned into physical exhaustion.

I would lash out at my parents with anger, slamming doors, and yelling before stomping upstairs to my room, and they would attribute that to me hitting the rebellious teenager stage. In reality, I was really overwhelmed but couldn't express from what.

I had trouble getting my work finished in time because unlike primary and high school, I had very little structure in my life.

Despite now having an ASD dx, they do not believe most of what I go through because I couldn't express my struggles as a kid/teen/young adult. They don't see my problems with planning, switching tasks, etc., because they thought I was purposefully being slow as a kid or just not wanting to do something. They don't see my problem following lots of verbal instructions because as a kid, they thought I was purposefully disobeying them when I legitimately forgot 3/4s or so of the things I was supposed to do.

So, all of these parts I quoted really resonated with me. I could have written them myself. Despite my Mum having been there when I was diagnosed last year, both she and my Dad are pretty much totally dismissive of it. It annoys me, obviously...but I ignore it for the most part because that's their issue.

How can I express my thoughts and feelings in a way that other people understand? I'm going to be in an office environment soon and imagine I'll have to explain things to people from time-to-time about what I need, such as additional time in a conversation to write down key points or tasks that need to be accomplished. I'd also like to find a way to tell my parents what life was like as a kid (considered writing this out in letter format to them but not sure if they'd see that as impersonal).

I honestly can't help you with starting your job in an office. I don't work, but I have worked in an office before, and I didn't do well so I'll leave the advice to others.

The part I've highlighted though, I'd say that you should go about this in whatever way you feel most comfortable. If that's writing a letter, then so be it. If they see it as impersonal then maybe add that you feel they might see it that way, but you felt more comfortable at least opening a discussion about it in the form of a letter first.

 

[Streetwise]

find an allie in the family mine was an aunt
some people are to self centred to open their minds to what they dont want to know

 

[Keigan]

You might want to research this topic Alexithymia. The condition can be environmental and altered with therapy, or pervasive based upon DNA.

Alexithymia affects 10% of the general population.


Wiki for Alexithymia:

Alexithymia - Wikipedia


An online test and forums for Alexithymia:

Online Alexithymia Questionnaire


Rs4963757(C;T)

https://ww5.aievolution.com/hbm1601/files/content/abstracts/40643/3446_Wittfeld.pdf

 

[Mia]

One of the things that helped me later in life was taking a critical thinking course at college. Another that helped was a writing and poetry course. Both were not courses that I had to take, they were electives. But what they did is serve as a forum to talk in class about things that were related to poetry, writing and art, things I'm very familiar with and like.

The critical thinking and reasoning skills helped in part because I was eventually able to argue and debate, something I hadn't done before. The writing class helped me to think critically as well, and talk about it with peers, and discuss their work as well. At art school I eventually was able to speak about things in a constructive way. To critique others and my own work, around other people in a class setting.

Didn't have much of a social life at school as I worked to put myself through, so class time was when I could argue and discuss. When I finished university, I could get my point across and say concisely what I thought and meant. It was more a question of doing it a lot, then and later, talking about things that I was interested in. Becoming friends with people who had similar interests and ideas. Discussing things well into the night, and listening for a long time to what people had to say, learning to think and talk. And eventually being able to do it without being too nervous about it.

When I worked in offices, I had a notebook and took notes. It was not uncommon for people to do that when beginning a new job, you might consider a laptop to do so. Or you might record things, something I did at lectures, asking their permission to record them. That would alleviate the need to tell them, you could say that the reason you are taking notes or using a laptop, is to get it right the first time. People kind of like that you are taking them seriously and listening to them, it makes them feel important. I've seen people straighten their shoulders and speak clearly when I would take notes, it made them feel as if they were teachers, which they were in their own way.