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Extreme anxiety when my partner is away from home

S

supernova

Well-Known Member
If my partner goes out alone - either on foot or in the car - I have almost unbearable anxiety until he gets back or telephones me to say he's home. While he's away it doesn't matter how much I try to concentrate on other things I constantly think of all the possible bad scenaros. It's an extra stress to have to hide it from him.

Am I alone in having this problem and if not can anyone suggest ways of dealing with it?
 
Oscar, I take your point but I think it's wrong to load one's own stresses on to someone else. When he's out on his own he's working and I don't want him worrying about me when he should be concentrating on what he's doing.

I am due to start a course of CBT next week and this is one of the things which will be covered. I was just interested, though, in whether others on the spectrum have this problem.
 
He probably feels your stresses any way am in uk to i take flouxitine for my stresses and anxiety and i have aspergers to
 
Supernova, for how long have you had this? And has it been since beginning of you two?

I used to have that also. It wasn't that much about that I was afraid of an accident, but I just couldn't concentrate on doing much anything because it felt everything was somehow wrong. It's not good not to talk to anyone, reaction like that can be taught away. I hope that you know that you stressing over the matter won't make your partner to be any less in danger, maybe working on that thought could help you to adhere off this thought over time.
 
I live alone, but I have worries when my family are away from home and also when my only close friend (and neighbour) at the moment is away. I do sometimes stress and think of worst case scenarios, especially if they don't answer their mobile phone straight away, although it doesn't sound anywhere near as difficult as what you're going through. Also if people are away as a matter of routine it isn't so much of a problem for myself, so my stress is probably also to do with change, especially when my friend is away as I normally see him regularly and problems with changes to routine can be more Aspie related. I'm unsure if your worries are entirely Aspie related as it's quite normal to worry about someone you care about when they're away, although it seems you're obsessing over it far too much which could well be Aspie related. Most people can at least continue with their day to day lives, especially if the person is away routinely, E.g. when they go to work most days, so it shouldn't be upsetting and stressing you out on a daily basis anywhere near this much. I would expect anyone however to get very worried if the person they care about is home late and doesn't call however, this is very normal and is obviously a very unpleasant experience that unfortunately virtually everyone has to go through occasionally for what-ever reason, but luckily with the invention of mobile phones this happens less often these days. It might help if you can at least talk to your husband to reassure yourself that he's okay every now and again on his mobile phone when he's away, although if he didn't hear his mobile or if it went out of signal Etc and didn't manage to answer it could obviously make you stress much worse. It is probably worth seeking further advise and I wish you the very best of luck as you certainly deserve to feel better about this.

PS: I just thought of something, mobile phone tracking from your PC (you can sign up to various services in most countries), this might make you feel better as long as his battery doesn't die or if he goes out of signal.
 
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It is just my opinion, but having GPS tracker might just feed the obsessive need to monitor the situation of partner, and checking on the tracker could become a new hangup instead, while, I think, it'd be better for supernova to learn to calm herself, to focus on her own time and own things to do while at home. I think it might be risky to treat a symptom with moderately expensive piece of technology that might not even work. But of course the tracker could help if at first it showed that everything goes well, and later on worrying would fade altogether. Maybe it's worth of a thought still.
 
"Supernova, for how long have you had this? And has it been since beginning of you two?"

Aolo, I've always had it but it's got worse recently, probably because I used to work with him but have been unable to do so due to a (hopefully!) temporary mobility problem.

" Most people can at least continue with their day to day lives, especially if the person is away routinely, E.g. when they go to work most days, so it shouldn't be upsetting and stressing you out on a daily basis anywhere near this much."

Pjcnet, my partner isn't away routinely and I think this is part of the problem.

Thank you all for answering my OP. I found it very helpful because it's made me look at the problem from different angles.

I like the idea of a GPS tracker - although it seems uncomfortably like stalking. However since my partner hates mobiles and although he agrees to take one with him it's always switched off, I won't be tempted along that path.
 
I was thinking, does this anxious occur on only longer periods of being separated? If he goes to grocery store, or something similar, can you then be peaceful? Do you think training more alone even shorter periods of time could help?
 
Medication can help. I do not like SSRIs like Paxil but I did take them for a period of time and they were very helpful for me in greatly reducing obsessive thoughts and catastrophising. I no longer take these medications but they assisted my learning that the things I feared almost never happened. I was able to internalize this understanding and when errant thoughts enter my brain I can almost always counteract them with the logical argument that the probability is very low that what I am contemplating will occur. Your CBT will likely use some similar mechanism to help free yourself from the dysfunctional thinking.
 
Loomis said:
Medication can help. I do not like SSRIs like Paxil but I did take them for a period of time and they were very helpful for me in greatly reducing obsessive thoughts and catastrophising. I no longer take these medications but they assisted my learning that the things I feared almost never happened. I was able to internalize this understanding and when errant thoughts enter my brain I can almost always counteract them with the logical argument that the probability is very low that what I am contemplating will occur. Your CBT will likely use some similar mechanism to help free yourself from the dysfunctional thinking.
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At the risk of starting another debate, beware of medications like this as they can also have unexpected long term side effects and no matter what they say they can be addictive too. I was given Seroxat (paroxetine) a number of years ago and it's now banned in some countries with various law suits in many others. This drug made me psychotic, it gave me confidence to do virtually anything without fear in a very dangerous way and it gave me violent thoughts, it totally changed me for the worse until I came off it, it made me a nasty person that I am just not (I could go into a lot of detail). It also gave me extreme violent nightmares where I would literally wake up fighting and punching. I'm one of the lucky ones as it's been associated with causing suicide and one person murdered his family while taking them (I don't know everything about the case, but the courts put it down to the drug as the cause). Okay Seroxat is one of the worst cases, but I've also been on other psychiatric drugs that have also caused other problems, I've now managed to wean myself off them (yes it was addictive both physically and mentally despite saying otherwise) and I feel better overall for it. In my opinion psychiatric drugs change people into something they are not, it's not really a fix, the most they can do is disguise, hide and block the problem without really dealing with it (E.g. it will still be there when you come off the drug, often worse still). It's much better dealing with the problem / issue properly in other ways while staying as yourself, but that's my opinion. Pharmaceutical companies make a fortune out of such drugs as in a busy world people want quick fixes while doctors and other medical experts haven't got the resources to deal with the problems properly, we however may be advanced with some treatments and medications, but we still have a massive amount to learn about how the brain works, not to mention our spiritual being that I believe many drugs can also inbalance.

PS: They tried to use drugs to calm down my brother with full autism, but they made him virtually like a "zombie", disinterested in anything and barely wanting to say anything, my parents who still care for him as an adult weaned him off them and we have my brother back as he really is. The issue has been dealt with in others way over time.
 
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Aola, even short trips away cause me anxiety, although obviously the stress is less because the period involved is shorter.
 
pjcnet said:
At the risk of starting another debate, beware of medications like this as they can also have unexpected long term side effects and no matter what they say they can be addictive too. I was given Seroxat (paroxetine) a number of years ago and it's now banned in some countries with various law suits in many others. This drug made me psychotic, it gave me confidence to do virtually anything without fear in a very dangerous way and it gave me violent thoughts, it totally changed me for the worse until I came off it, it made me a nasty person that I am just not (I could go into a lot of detail). It also gave me extreme violent nightmares where I would literally wake up fighting and punching. I'm one of the lucky ones as it's been associated with causing suicide and one person murdered his family while taking them (I don't know everything about the case, but the courts put it down to the drug as the cause). Okay Seroxat is one of the worst cases, but I've also been on other psychiatric drugs that have also caused other problems, I've now managed to wean myself off them (yes it was addictive both physically and mentally despite saying otherwise) and I feel better overall for it. In my opinion psychiatric drugs change people into something they are not, it's not really a fix, the most they can do is disguise, hide and block the problem without really dealing with it (E.g. it will still be there when you come off the drug, often worse still). It's much better dealing with the problem / issue properly in other ways while staying as yourself, but that's my opinion. Pharmaceutical companies make a fortune out of such drugs as in a busy world people want quick fixes while doctors and other medical experts haven't got the resources to deal with the problems properly, we however may be advanced with some treatments and medications, but we still have a massive amount to learn about how the brain works, not to mention our spiritual being that I believe many drugs can also inbalance.

PS: They tried to use drugs to calm down my brother with full autism, but they made him virtually like a "zombie", disinterested in anything and barely wanting to say anything, my parents who still care for him as an adult weaned him off them and we have my brother back as he really is. The issue has been dealt with in others way over time.
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I'm very wary about taking drugs for anxiety/depression. I know many people get relief but when I was prescribed one years ago I didn't like the effect it had - it was as though I was only functioning with part of my brain. Also, recently I had a severe psychotic reaction (apparently only experienced by 1 person in 10,000!) to an antibiotic and that's made me even more wary. I also wonder whether any research has been carried out on the possible bad effect of many well-known drugs on people with autism.
 
Does he understand your stress? Is he able to empathsize and help you? Or is he ...ah...kinda not helpful?
Ok I read you have to hide it from him. I have a friend-we used to date and I've known her for 15 years. I miss her a lot
but can't exactly say that. We are friends...and I worry about her... as she tend to overwork. When we talk I am very careful
not to give her any extra problems [like telling her I'm worried about her health etc.]

She DOES not understand my Aspergers...so I try not to overwhelm her...but secretly I worry...


supernova said:
If my partner goes out alone - either on foot or in the car - I have almost unbearable anxiety until he gets back or telephones me to say he's home. While he's away it doesn't matter how much I try to concentrate on other things I constantly think of all the possible bad scenaros. It's an extra stress to have to hide it from him.

Am I alone in having this problem and if not can anyone suggest ways of dealing with it?
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