Failing the multitude of roles you play throughout your day

[King_Oni]

I think most here are familiar with the social roles many of us have to "play". At a job you probably act and talk different than with friends. With parents you, while trying to remain true to yourself, might try really hard to adjust so they don't think you're overly weird (for lack of a better word).

It's something a lot people have down and can easily switch these roles. It's what makes one a professional I suppose. I've spoken to people at a job and outside of work and they seemed like 2 different people... and honestly it disgusts me people have a "nice"-mode and a "whatever; I don't care"-mode. How does one even speak of identity?

But I'm wondering if someone else struggles with this?

Largely I have only 1 mode... "me"-mode. It makes up for being pretty much the same all the time; I'm joking around no matter the company I'm with, I don't change my vocabulary nor my opinions, no matter how controversial they are. By that standard I'm as maladjusted as they come.

Now, there's a lot of talk that many aspies can't "pretend". I'm a horrible actor, but that mitigates itself in that people know what to expect of me (lest; I'm in a foul mood or just horribly frustrated or something along those lines).

The more I try to get my head around being more appropriate for the crowd, the harder I think it is. I really cannot get into this idea.

Similarly, because I can't make this differentiation, pretty much everything I experience; be it with friends, with parents or at job, just adds up with me. No wonder, that, at one point I ended up with a burn-out at a job; I'm being pushed into acting out, setting aside my own person and that by itself is way, way too much for me to deal with. I'm even willing to say, certain activities, interactions... they just do not fit me as a person, and that might very much be etiquette and rules that come with, say... a job.

It's beyond "adjusting"... I mean, that might very well be "just try to cope with it", but acting, and acting naturally is a thing on it's own. Even moreso, when people even judge you on it.

So yeah.. any others who fail miserably at this and now where I'm coming from?

 

[Berianireth]

I find it incredibly difficult to be pleasant with people. I don't mean that I hate people, I just hate dealing with them in ways that assume I'll be able to extrapolate what is going on in their day and find a way to get done what I need to without stepping on their toes and simultaneously "tickling" the person... because for whatever reason that's an issue that people (in particular female people) are expected to have some sort of expertise in. I'm terrible at it. I keep having to deal with people that a deliberately complicating their actions and incredibly unpleasant with me, and I have to do it all with a big smile on my face because I'm a woman with a disability. I don't know... I guess that's similar to not feeling capable or inclined to play two roles.

 

[watersprite]

If the roles we're supposed to take on were like, say, little various colored water buckets, which everyone scooped water with and was expected to share, and for 'doctor appointment' you're supposed to use the green one, and for 'casual acquaintance' you're supposed to use the orange one, etc.; then my buckets would be missing some colors altogether and the rest would be all sorts of patchwork and splashes of colors, plus they'd all have holes in them. In other words, over the course of my life I've made attempts to emulate certain NT rituals or behaviors, but it hasn't worked at all. I have a false and shallow mask that functions for about 5 to 15 minutes and then I'm done.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I find it incredibly difficult to be pleasant with people. I don't mean that I hate people, I just hate dealing with them in ways that assume I'll be able to extrapolate what is going on in their day and find a way to get done what I need to without stepping on their toes and simultaneously "tickling" the person... because for whatever reason that's an issue that people (in particular female people) are expected to have some sort of expertise in. I'm terrible at it. I keep having to deal with people that a deliberately complicating their actions and incredibly unpleasant with me, and I have to do it all with a big smile on my face because I'm a woman with a disability. I don't know... I guess that's similar to not feeling capable or inclined to play two roles.

Trust me, it's not just female people, but female people do seem to have more issues with it.

I wear my work mask to work and my church mask to church because I need to last long enough to get paid, learn new things, and win over allies when the Real Me (the Other Me?) gets out. People find out I'm aloof, arrogant, rude, cold, work-obsessed, <insert the rest of the aspie litany here> too fast for my actual worth to the company to be realized, otherwise. Because companies do need people who will stare down problems, even if--especially if--they wear human faces. But I don't want to be the person everyone's afraid of. Insisting on being ME all the time would be tantamount to declaring that other people don't have the right to be, as I see it (there's irony for you).

One of my former bosses permanently scorched my chances of transferring out of a group that actively hated me by telling everyone who asked that I was "very bright, usually right, and highly opinionated." Now, given the first two, the third should be a given, except it's not opinion if it's backed up by data--data that she didn't want disclosed, apparently, although I didn't know why not, I was in scope and others had a need to know. No confidences were broken...but clearly confidence itself was broken when hidden agenda got exposed.

I learned all this from someone who interviewed me. It was clear I had all the skills, but people need to be Liked (even though they'll choose not to Like). It isn't fair, but it is real. And I'm much more circumspect now, but I still can't hide how much I don't care about things most of the people around me think are important.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Funny...I have a reply from kestrel in my email, but I can't find it on the thread...I will post a screenshot to Brent and reply here. Hope that works for people.

 

[The Penguin]

Funny...I have a reply from kestrel in my email, but I can't find it on the thread...I will post a screenshot to Brent and reply here. Hope that works for people.

Did kestrel delete or edit a reply?

 

[watersprite]

I deleted something, yes, because it was off topic. I sometimes say stuff, and then get doubting myself. Mi scusi.

 

[watersprite]

{If I asked questions that seemed aggressive I didn't mean to.}

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Oh, it didn't feel like that, to me. (We've talked enough...) Your care is very appreciated, though!

 

[Berianireth]

Phew I was so worried I was going to come back to having started a fight when I saw I'd been quoted. I in no way mean to say that men do not have social pressure that involves deception, but I think women are certainly under more pressure to be warm and welcoming towards people. Being not so gifted with conversation and intuition that is difficult for me... and I'm frequently accused of being rough, unfriendly, and selfish. I'm imo quiet and awkward, but apparently that's most people that dislike me.

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

I have had two different sides to myself. There is the shy me, who doesn't say much and typically looks at the ground when you talk to him (though he is slowly getting lost. ). Then there is the talkative, humourous me.
Many friends, classmates and teachers I've had in my life, when they first met me I was on my shy side, but as time grew on and I adapted to the place, I morphed into my humourous side. And that's been a thing for me. People get so used to and accepting of me being shy, that when I change into a more confident version of myself, they get so surprised!

 

[NlGHTgirl]

Phew I was so worried I was going to come back to having started a fight when I saw I'd been quoted. I in no way mean to say that men do not have social pressure that involves deception, but I think women are certainly under more pressure to be warm and welcoming towards people. Being not so gifted with conversation and intuition that is difficult for me... and I'm frequently accused of being rough, unfriendly, and selfish. I'm imo quiet and awkward, but apparently that's most people that dislike me.

I do not enjoy social crowds! but I am happy. I smile pretty much all the time. (I love sunshine, exercise! Too much! releases endorphins! high energy!)
I am quiet and shy too.

but I think people like me?
wait.
Do people like me? ! OH NO! (panics, a little , inside, since, I can't really perceive what others think or feel...... c-c-c-c-c-communicating.... eeek,scary,thought.... and.... rambling............ sighs.....) I have this nervous energy!

 

[Berianireth]

I am an emblem of hatred and judgement! No not really. ..I rarely open my mouth to say more than "hello" but I deal with people deciding my quiet behavior means something all of the time. I am not very smiley though. It doesn't come naturally to me.

 

[NlGHTgirl]

Yes, Saying more than "hello" usually results in bad things, for me....... my experience......Socially, I only say weird things, apparently.




I actually was diagnosed PDD-NOS, and OCD, as a teen..... but there may be multiple diagnosis going on with me?? I don't know? I'm not happy to be around crowds of people!!!!


I am just happy. It can be mis interrpreted ? There is this energy, nervous energy..... it can manifest as anxiety, or as super happy. I try to get enough sunshine and exercise, way over exercise, if I must , compared to "normal" people. I find this helps me, Unique Me, with my myriad of conditions. ??? If I am not happy, the anxiety wins ??? too much negative! eek! does anyone else feel this same way? I think, if I focus? I could something, happy? you think? replace the negative? Is that cognitive , like, behavior, therapy? or is that just hippie stuff? Hindu? yoga?

"A smile confuses an approaching frown..."

The Government states my condition is "improving", is that possible? ??? (I don't know? is it?) I am not sure I fit here.......sighs............. I am never sure when I am being invited or supposed to clarify or if I just say too much. I am sorry.

 

[Tom]

Yes, exercise is a well known therapy. I did it too for years. There are other therapies too.

Fit in ? Yes. Imagine a 1000 piece puzzle that has pieces from a thousand different puzzles. No two fit together exactly. I think we are more built for uniqueness rather then group blending.

 

[Christopher Nicholson]

I am 1 person at work and another person outside of work. Before being clinically diagnosed with autism spectrum, because now asperger's syndrome is not a diagnosis in and of its slef, I was diagnosed with everything else.

They thought I had dissociative personality disorder, a form of psychological seizures, ptsd due to miltary and depression before finally after a couple years with of neurological psychological testing did they discover asperger's.

As long as my work interactions are scripted I do great. I train people to do my job, get in front of 30 to 40 people to give training on new procedures.

Outside of work where I don't have work procedures or questions to answer I get anxiety and can't function soically. People see the change and that's why I don't put myslef in that position.

 

[NlGHTgirl]

Christopher, I understand about the social avoidance!!!!!!! My therapist always says "maybe we can use this opportunity to work on our skills"? about the social aspect.....but.... I don't know..... .. ... .. .. ... ...

(not a war hero, clearly, but) I would wonder if I had PTSD...... I have this terrible FEAR of snow driving! after the.......
I just avoid it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Judge]

I have this terrible FEAR of snow driving! after the.......
I just avoid it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me too. If I just hear that it might snow I always stock up on provisions enough to get me through that particular weather system. I won't drive in snow if I don't have to. One of the reasons I gave up my social group once a month...at times in the winter driving clear across town on the freeway is just too much for me with ice and snow. Not worth the risk.

 

[Etzelaire]

I don't know why, when I am working I seem to be able to interact with NTs like a normal person. I say it this way because most times I don't really behave like a normal person. Anyway, it's like I understand that part of my job is trying to fit with them whereas in my everyday life I don't give a damn whether they like me or not.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I try to keep a core personality present and as a template, then just change out emotional accessories from there. As for who I really am? Apparently that's only for me to know.