Falsely accused

[SimonSays]

There is one tenant in this house who sometimes complains her things are being used. She's the only one who ever complains. Someone is going into her cupboard and using her spices, she says. I have no idea who would be doing it, and really can't imagine anyone doing that.


But today, after having used it this morning, my new jar of peanut butter is missing. Before it went missing, she complained again of someone going into her cupboard and using her spices.


There are five tenants here. Two had already gone to work before I used the peanut butter, and one didn't wake up until after it was gone. Which leaves the one who made the complaint.


It feels like a message, having decided it must be me, and so taking something of mine is punishment. I never use her stuff, nor would I, but having decided it must be me, she’s punishing the culprit because she's got it all figured out. I can't prove it was her. I could say I know it's her, just as she feels she knows it's me. What I do know is she’s 100% wrong.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I really don't know how to deal with people like that. They are vexatious and rarely listen to reason. Maybe somebody has a solution that does not involve ghost peppers or a video camera.

 

[Tom]

You haven't actually been falsely accused yet. It's a theory.

I would let it be known you lost your peanut butter.

The plot thickens

 

[LadyS]

Didn't you also have a towel that went missing ..?

 

[SimonSays]

Didn't you also have a towel that went missing ..?

Yes I did. Well remembered. That was a previous tenant's parting act. I can't say why he did that exactly, but he must have thought it would cause me a problem. He wasn't a very nice man.

You haven't actually been falsely accused yet. It's a theory.

I would let it be known you lost your peanut butter.

True. Nobody could actually accuse me, because there is no evidence of anything. Just like I can't accuse her of taking the peanut butter either. But logic dictates that it is unlikely to have been anybody but her, and thinking that doesn't really change anything. It's just not nice.

Oh, I have let it be known that the peanut butter was gone, and asked for it to be returned. I'm not holding my breath, so I went out and bought a new jar and put it in a different place this time.

 

[Tom]

Luckily there is a superhero for just this sort of thing.

 

[Aspychata]

Listen- peanut butter could be kept in a mini fridge in your room. I bought one off of Amazon for 30 dollars.

If you are dealing with idiots, take the mini fridge route. They all end up paying for your electricity to power fridge. I have a 6 can little fridge perfect for 6 bottles of peanut butter.

Logic helps in cases of roommates.

 

[Forest Cat]

Sounds like you need stain theft detection powder. Put it on a jar of peanut butter, or whatever you want, then wait and see who turns up with purple hands. Then let them try to explain why they have purple hands. There are different types of this stuff, some you can mix with vaseline if you need something that sticks a little better to things.

https://www.amazon.com/Visible-Stain-Theft-Detection-Powder/dp/B009DMKYIY

 

[Thinx]

Peanut butter doesn't really need a fridge if you eat it at a reasonable rate. Keeping it in your room could work. Yes, suppose she may accuse others of what she does herself. Or she may not. Hard to say. Have you reassured her you are not using her spices and will look out to see if anyone else does? Have you asked if she has a theory as to who has taken them?

 

[SimonSays]

Have you reassured her you are not using her spices and will look out to see if anyone else does? Have you asked if she has a theory as to who has taken them?

I have told her I don’t and wouldn’t use her spices. I do not feel I am believed.

I obviously have other things in the cupboard than just peanut butter. I don’t need to hide it or take it to my room or put it in a fridge, the peanut butter is just a symbol. The message it sends could have been something else.

I did notice something strange the other day. A can of soup I keep next to a can of beans was sitting in a glass oven bowl on the lower shelf. Someone had opened my cupboard and moved the soup from one shelf to another and left it somewhere I would never leave it. I knew this was odd, but nothing was missing and I just put it back where I wanted it.

I am now assuming that was also her. Trying to mess with me.

I just put it back and carried on, and then now she’s taken something. I know she doesn’t like me. Without focusing on her, she has issues.

it’s another reason why living here is not right for me. It might be her way to help encourage me to depart. I will do so as soon as I’m able to. I don’t want to live in an environment like this.

 

[Aspychata]

Roommates are a curse unless you find adults. When l lived in Hawaii, l stayed in female only places. That was kinda of nice. I did rent places but it was extremely expensive.

The rental situation in America is horrible right now. Our Florida rental prices are running almost the same as California. Living in vans, trucks and cars are a way for many. There was a guy who slept in his truck, because we saw a TV on at nite in Hollywood.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Once upon a time, a mother was angry at her son because the kid had started to cry before the mother had even put her hand on him.

Mom: Why are you crying now?
Son: You are a bad mum because you are about to hit me.
Mom: Well, you are actually crying without a reason because I still not hit you. So I will give you now a reason so you can properly cry...

And she hit me... ermm, she hit the kid...

So if you have already been falsely accused, feel free of taking her spices, open them in front of her face and empty them on the trash tin so she can properly accuse you and steal your stuff. That should solve it.

 

[Thinx]

I'm not usually intolerant of odd behaviours as I can be odd myself, plus the person hasn't set out to be that way, mostly. If moving stuff in the shared kitchen or occasionally losing an item I don't feel the need to keep in my room is all that happens in a sharing situation, I am ok with that. I would try to be kind to this person, if possible, rather than shun her for having Issues. We all have issues.

 

[Aspychata]

There is one tenant in this house who sometimes complains her things are being used. She's the only one who ever complains. Someone is going into her cupboard and using her spices, she says. I have no idea who would be doing it, and really can't imagine anyone doing that.


But today, after having used it this morning, my new jar of peanut butter is missing. Before it went missing, she complained again of someone going into her cupboard and using her spices.


There are five tenants here. Two had already gone to work before I used the peanut butter, and one didn't wake up until after it was gone. Which leaves the one who made the complaint.


It feels like a message, having decided it must be me, and so taking something of mine is punishment. I never use her stuff, nor would I, but having decided it must be me, she’s punishing the culprit because she's got it all figured out. I can't prove it was her. I could say I know it's her, just as she feels she knows it's me. What I do know is she’s 100% wrong.

Your post reminded me of my mom's perfect peanut butter cookies. Heaven and cookie collided and my mom's recipe and was perfect in taste and density and size.

The American news reported that some spices are very high in toxic chemicals. She may want to get checked. Then you can just calmly exit and look for peanut butter cookies.

 

[SimonSays]

I would try to be kind to this person, if possible, rather than shun her for having Issues. We all have issues.

I wouldn't shun her. I just keep to myself. I always have. She has a problem with me, but that's okay, because I am sure I seem strange to her. I have issues too, so I'm not judging that she has issues, only that there are some people I prefer not to interact with. But I'm not changing who I am because of this experience. I'm not figuring out ways to take revenge and mess with her. I'm just carrying on as I always do, and hopefully nothing else vanishes.

 

[SimonSays]

Since the theft of my PB, I haven't said anything more, but this morning, when I came down for breakfast, I found peanut butter smeared all over my cupboard handle. There was a spoon with loads of peanut butter on it by the sink. I looked in my new jar and it hadn't been taken from there, so had obviously come from what was taken.

I know it is her, and this kind of thing feels like it is designed to make me unhappy and want to leave. I feel like that, but can't just leave so I have to also accept it. I haven't said anything, or confronted her, as I can't prove anything. I know it is none of the others though.

It is not nice or right, but it seems she is also testing me, challenging me. Can I allow what is to be? I can see it as I saw it when I had to deal with being bullied/victimised by the tenant who was in the room next door when I first arrived. I looked at how he made me feel and practiced rising above it. I did not allow myself to be lowered by thinking thoughts that would bring me down to his level, at least that was the intention, and the same goes for now.

Someone else might just smear jam on her handle in revenge, start an active feud. But if I do not, it is just a spiteful game that gives the perpetrator pleasure to know they are making me a victim with no apparent consequence.

And yet, it is my feeling to let her do it. I don't wish to be affected by her. It is still my choice how I react to her. So I just cleaned the peanut butter from the handle and made my breakfast as normal.

What would you do?

 

[Atrapa Almas]

What would you do?

Already told you.

I just cant behave like a victim. I always chose to hurt deeply the other person so they can experience being victims themselves one way or another. In my experience, not figthing back just send one message:

Hello, Im here to be your victim. Please torture me since I will never figth back.

I remember I had those kind of problems when being a student with two roommates, they put heavy metal music so loud, so I put one only track of a music they hate. Once an again, all the day, the very same track, for months.

They occupied my part of the fridge, so I disconected it and let it oppened so all their food got ruined. I went to eat outside. Then conected back before they arrived. They never knew what made them ill.

I patiently waited untill their exams and saboutaged their alarm clocks so they missed one critical exam by arriving late. They had to expend an extra year. They never knew what happened.

There is allways a way.

But thats not your path in live. Im curious how your story will evolve. Never undestood well passive resistance. May it work? Im curious.

 

[SimonSays]

But thats not your path in live. Im curious how your story will evolve. Never undestood well passive resistance. May it work? Im curious.

I do see your point, but if they did not know why these things occurred to them, weren't you just taking revenge, not teaching?

I feel like playing her game sucks me into being like her. Isn't this how feuds start? She does this...I do that...and before we know it someone gets really hurt.

I remember I had those kind of problems when being a student with two roommates, they put heavy metal music so loud, so I put one only track of a music they hate. Once an again, all the day, the very same track, for months.

Really? The same track all day for months? Didn't that drive you mad? the fridge thing was clever though.

Hmmm...they say revenge is a dish best served cold. I don't know. Maybe passivity will do just what you suggest it will. Better to stand up for myself in some way then give her permission, but I'm not sure I want to go there.

thanks for your thoughts.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I do see your point, but if they did not know why these things occurred to them, weren't you just taking revenge, not teaching?

I feel like playing her game sucks me into being like her. Isn't this how feuds start? She does this...I do that...and before we know it someone gets really hurt.

Really? The same track all day for months? Didn't that drive you mad? the fridge thing was clever though.

Hmmm...they say revenge is a dish best served cold. I don't know. Maybe passivity will do just what you suggest it will. Better to stand up for myself in some way then give her permission, but I'm not sure I want to go there.

thanks for your thoughts.

We firstly tried to solve the issues talking, did worked to some extent, did not worked to other things. I would say talking is allways the first step. My diplomacy tools are way better now than back them.

But diplomacy alone was never enougth. Flower on one hand, sword on the other. It has been that way since Roman times, probably before.

The music thing and other actions were known by all and pressented as propper reaction by us (I had other roommate with me on this). So we will stop with this one track thing once you lower your music.

But at some point I decided to destroy them and started some other "hidden" actions. The fridge and the clock thing were hidden on my part, I did many other hidden things. The roommate who was with me used also other hidden means. And we both used some coordinated mind tricks to lead one of them to depression.

Taking revenge is perfectly fine in my book, gave me back the sense of control and pride some victims lose. Once I put someone on the bully box it becomes barely human to me. I have no moral problems destroying their souls or making their lives miserable. People tend to behave the same with a sociopath than they behave with a nice person. To me that is a mistake as big as behaving the same with a cobra than with a dog. Different kind of people need different approachs.

But It may be me who is wrong on this. Movies allways pressent victims never taking revenge, allways waiting for some hero or the police to rescue them. Those wifes that stand years and years of abuse just lowering their heads in the hopes their psycho will have enougth and let them alone some hours untill the next day. I probably dont understand the victims way of seing things. Maybe those wifes feel fine because they never behaved like the psychos and inside their heads they have control that way. Who knows...

I have never think I would be lured into being bully. Its like a dog who protect sheeps would have fear to become a wolf who eat sheeps. Using violence to kill a wolf wont turn a dog into a predator of sheeps.

If I used my violence to hurt an adult who is abusing of kids, that would not turn me into a kid abuser.

Or thats how I see this topic. I may be wrong.

As I said, Im interested in how your pacific way will work for you. I have read about Gandhi and his passive ressistance, but to me it was a way of mind attack. You dont even talk back. Thats true passive ressistance. Will it work? My human mechanics book say it wont stop your bully, buy if it works I may need to update those mechanics.

 

[SimonSays]

As I said, Im interested in how your pacific way will work for you. I have read about Gandhi and his passive ressistance, but to me it was a way of mind attack. You dont even talk back. Thats true passive ressistance. Will it work? My human mechanics book say it wont stop your bully, buy if it works I may need to update those mechanics.

My friend's response to my situation was...

If she did take your peanut butter, then mock you with it a few days later, she is demonstrating perverse and infantile logic skills and that kind of person will always retaliate. So do nothing. Ignore it. Don't allow her to drag you into a petty little war for the sake of??? For what??? Ridiculous! Laugh it off. "The peanutbutter incident of 2022". Ignore, ignore, ignore!

I agree with her.

While it is tempting to want to take back a sense of control from someone who is behaving like this, doing so would make me more like her, and would encourage her to retaliate because to her, something else has been done to her.

Even if she was morally justified in her actions because I had been the one to do the thing that she thinks I did initially, responding to it only lowers me to her level, and I absolutely don't want to live on that level. And there is a sense of empowerment when one's conscience is clear and to be persecuted. It matters a great deal to her, and she might feel empowered by it, but if it doesn't matter to me, if I see it as infantile, and I'm not being forced into reacting to her nonsense, then I can grow from this in a way that is empowering.

Gandhi made a huge difference, and it was the result of his (and the people's) actions that led the British to leave. He would not respond in kind in order to stop it. There is power in passivity because it is actually not passive, it is something far more than that.