Family abuse because of your autism

[Perpetually_confused]

I have found my entire life that my autism has made me the brunt of my families anger & frustrations. My mum gets angry with me when I show any traits to her and my sister also takes her anger out on me, and takes advantage of my naivety & propensity for people pleasing. They both use manipulation & guilt to get me to do things for them.

I have to mask extremely around my mother to the point where I'm in tears but just hiding it from her because I cannot open up to her. I'm in a support group now for this which has been hugely helpful in validating my experience but just wanted to reach out to others who may have had similar experiences with family members

It's not all bad, they can be nice sometimes but often I feel I'm walking on eggshells & any favour given to me feels like I'm going to have to pay back hugely for.
Whenever I talk to friends about this they always downplay it so it makes me feel like I'm exaggerating because they can be good people sometimes.

Then I wonder are all people just bad because they abuse autistic people? Feels like a dark & lonely place to go & I don't want to believe that. I feel so sad that this is how my family treat me & I just cant understand their behaviour. When I bring it up they turn the blame back on me.

the moment I'm working on boundaries with my sister which she is trampling all over. Its just so lonely when you suddenly realise that you can't trust your own family. Just venting & looking for common experiences & how you dealt with this situation?

 

[Misty Avich]

I don't always get how people who are supposed to be experts at empathising and putting themselves in other people's shoes, can misunderstand their own family members with autism so bad that it becomes abuse.

I've never been abused by my family for being different but I've been emotionally abused by people outside my family, such as classmates and coworkers.

 

[Rodafina]

@Perpetually_confused

I'm sorry to hear about this experience. It's good that you found some support and are talking about this. Often, people in your situation never get their side of the story heard, but it's so important to hear it.

Sometimes, when abusive people seem kind or look that way to others, it is all part of the manipulation. Manipulators will typically try to control their image to the outside world as a way to disempower the people that they are manipulating.

I hope you continue to seek support and that ultimately you can change your situation and find some good people in the world that you can love and trust.

 

[AprilR]

I relate to you. My mother used to get angry when i stim, or when i failed to talk to people so i learned to mask when i am with my parents and other people. I also had little to no support from my parents in regards to my problems since i.. never told anyone ever that i was sad i had no friends and i that i was scared of other people.

I am sorry you also experienced abuse from your parents. When the people who don't accept you are your parents, you tend to think the whole world is like them, that if they don't accept you no one else will either. But this is not true.

I met other autistic people, both here and irl that have supportive family, friends and spouses irl. So no, the world does not consist of those people. I often have to remind myself not to lose hope, and not to give up on people.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Perpetually_confused, as the old saying goes, "You can chose your friends, but unfortunately, you can't chose your family." Spend any time here on the forums and you will find many people will share experiences like this.

1. In some cases, a child with a "diagnosis", will be interpreted as a "dirty smudge" on the family. They are embarrassed at some level and don't want anyone to know, so you had better hide who you really are. Even some families with LGBTQ children will, at some level, reject. A part of your brain is saying, "How can a parent or sibling do this? If you cannot count on your family for support, who can you?"

2. There may be a rejection of the diagnosis and the child is saddled with a false, derogatory "moral diagnosis". "He's just that way." So, the family treats them as if they are just a bad person. "You're lazy!" "Stop acting like a child!" "Why can't you make friends?" "Your sister never had problems in school."

3. Nearly all animals, birds, even fish, when they are presented with something that is "different" or "sick", they will reject it. Humans are no different, at least at the primal DNA level. Some people can be quite empathetic and understanding. Some people will neglect, poke, agitate, abuse, and even kill. It just depends on how many hairs away from being a baboon they are.

For those of us that have been subjected to this, at some point in our lives we need to make some difficult decisions, such as when to cut the umbilical cord and go my own way. The guilt goes away real quick once all that stress, abuse, and negativity is removed from our lives.

 

[Tiffany Kate]

It's a thing. My parents simply refused to believe my diagnosis. Now it's a topic That Is Not To Be Mentioned. They treat me like I'm a dangerous animal on the end of a piece of rotten string: liable to attack at any moment (I'm not violent at all, by the way!).

I think part of their problem is that if they acknowledge that I am autistic it means they have to re-evaluate certain events in the past, and maybe even stop blaming me for them. That involves a big hit to their pride and self-image as parents. It's much easier to ignore the autism and keep thinking of me as some kind of psychopath.

More charitably, there may also be an element of - since I'm in my forties - "She can't possibly be autistic because if she was, surely we would have known?" I can imagine that it would feel like you weren't paying proper attention to your child for years, to have them diagnosed as autistic as an adult. Of course, it's not their fault at all, but I can see how they might feel like it is.

It's not everybody. My boss, who is also my best friend, has been surprisingly understanding considering he is a 74-year-old bloke and I had to explain to him exactly what autism was.

People are people: some of them are understanding, and some of them aren't. Sometimes, there's probably also stuff going on in their own lives, and with what accepting your diagnosis might mean for them and their self-image. Sometimes, non-family might find it easier to accept your diagnosis because they don't have any emotional baggage involved with it.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

@Perpetually_confused

I'm sorry to hear about this experience. It's good that you found some support and are talking about this. Often, people in your situation never get their side of the story heard, but it's so important to hear it.

Sometimes, when abusive people seem kind or look that way to others, it is all part of the manipulation. Manipulators will typically try to control their image to the outside world as a way to disempower the people that they are manipulating.

I hope you continue to seek support and that ultimately you can change your situation and find some good people in the world that you can love and trust.

Thanks. Yeah its just hard to imagine that they could be so devious to try & disempower me in that way. I don't want to believe it. I think it's more a bad habit that just became normalised and I just accepted it because that was my place in the family. I think emotional abuse in families is quite common and a lot of people don't think twice about it or realise their behaviour is abusive especially towards autistic people. I don't know if they are intentionally bad people which is why I get so confused so much, they just don't think about their actions & how it harms others.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

I relate to you. My mother used to get angry when i stim, or when i failed to talk to people so i learned to mask when i am with my parents and other people. I also had little to no support from my parents in regards to my problems since i.. never told anyone ever that i was sad i had no friends and i that i was scared of other people.

I am sorry you also experienced abuse from your parents. When the people who don't accept you are your parents, you tend to think the whole world is like them, that if they don't accept you no one else will either. But this is not true.

I met other autistic people, both here and irl that have supportive family, friends and spouses irl. So no, the world does not consist of those people. I often have to remind myself not to lose hope, and not to give up on people.

I'm sorry you had this experience too. I have met other good people actually am working on building my own life on my own now and self love so I can trust others as you say. Yeah I think it's a slippery slope to believe everyone is untrustworthy but it's a process not to go down this route.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

@Perpetually_confused, as the old saying goes, "You can chose your friends, but unfortunately, you can't chose your family." Spend any time here on the forums and you will find many people will share experiences like this.

1. In some cases, a child with a "diagnosis", will be interpreted as a "dirty smudge" on the family. They are embarrassed at some level and don't want anyone to know, so you had better hide who you really are. Even some families with LGBTQ children will, at some level, reject. A part of your brain is saying, "How can a parent or sibling do this? If you cannot count on your family for support, who can you?"

2. There may be a rejection of the diagnosis and the child is saddled with a false, derogatory "moral diagnosis". "He's just that way." So, the family treats them as if they are just a bad person. "You're lazy!" "Stop acting like a child!" "Why can't you make friends?" "Your sister never had problems in school."

3. Nearly all animals, birds, even fish, when they are presented with something that is "different" or "sick", they will reject it. Humans are no different, at least at the primal DNA level. Some people can be quite empathetic and understanding. Some people will neglect, poke, agitate, abuse, and even kill. It just depends on how many hairs away from being a baboon they are.

For those of us that have been subjected to this, at some point in our lives we need to make some difficult decisions, such as when to cut the umbilical cord and go my own way. The guilt goes away real quick once all that stress, abuse, and negativity is removed from our lives.

Yeah this is definitely my family. It's sad to realise, you want to believe they would be the bigger people.
I actually do not have an official diagnosis so in a way I know that they didn't understand my behaviours were part of a disability but I think they knew there was something different in me that made them very uncomfortable and angry for some reason I could not understand. For example they would shout at me when I did not talk because they thought I was intentionally trying to be rude or they would say that I was making up or exaggerating all of my sensory issues. I was being a 'problem' intentionally. My emotions were dismissed & I had to deal with them on my own. If I had a meltdown I was punished for 'over reacting'. There was just never any empathy or compassion.

I do realise have their own problems & I'm trying to move forward in forgiveness whilst also protecting myself. But yes the guilt, mum always saying, 'you never want to spend any time with me, how do you think that makes me feel?' But when I spend time with her it's all on her terms, it's like I can't ever win. And I did not realise how much this guilt was hanging around my neck my whole life until recently. I know that it is not good for me to hold on to all of this resentment because it stops me to move forward but also feels like a minefield in how to safely have a relationship with these people. Going no contact seems so difficult right now but I can appreciate that it might be the only option for my own health & sanity in future if things don't change.

My mother flat out denies that she takes her bad moods out on me when I confront her about it as does my sister, they just deny it all & when I tell my mum that my sister bullied me growing up she just gets on like she didn't hear me or says 'I just wish you two would get along' as if it's somehow my fault...
But then she expects me to want to come visit her & spend my holidays with her & I'm a selfish daughter for not wanting to.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

It's a thing. My parents simply refused to believe my diagnosis. Now it's a topic That Is Not To Be Mentioned. They treat me like I'm a dangerous animal on the end of a piece of rotten string: liable to attack at any moment (I'm not violent at all, by the way!).

I think part of their problem is that if they acknowledge that I am autistic it means they have to re-evaluate certain events in the past, and maybe even stop blaming me for them. That involves a big hit to their pride and self-image as parents. It's much easier to ignore the autism and keep thinking of me as some kind of psychopath.

More charitably, there may also be an element of - since I'm in my forties - "She can't possibly be autistic because if she was, surely we would have known?" I can imagine that it would feel like you weren't paying proper attention to your child for years, to have them diagnosed as autistic as an adult. Of course, it's not their fault at all, but I can see how they might feel like it is.

It's not everybody. My boss, who is also my best friend, has been surprisingly understanding considering he is a 74-year-old bloke and I had to explain to him exactly what autism was.

People are people: some of them are understanding, and some of them aren't. Sometimes, there's probably also stuff going on in their own lives, and with what accepting your diagnosis might mean for them and their self-image. Sometimes, non-family might find it easier to accept your diagnosis because they don't have any emotional baggage involved with it.

I'm sorry you experienced this too. I feel similar in that they were not paying attention to me but they just don't want to admit it. For me its the lack of interest now I'm understanding myself, they just want to believe the old story that I was intentionally rude & uncaring daugther that I've been taught to internalise & has caused enormous problems in my day life & relationships.

I can see that letting go of my expectations of them & accepting them for who they are is the only way forward, its hard though

 

[Kitsuna]

I was in your situation growing up.

I dealt my mother being very vitriolic when she was at the end of her rope and I did something (or failed to do something) that made her embarrassed and possibly insecure about her parenting in front of other people. It wasn’t pretty when she got like that. I haven’t been on speaking terms with her for 6 months now due to boundary issues I couldn’t get her to change. She’s tried to manipulate me out of this, but just stand your ground.

My sister doesn’t violate my boundaries as an adult, but when I was a kid, she tried to control my interests because she thought the ones I naturally gravitated to were too dorky.

My advice? Find and make full use of everything that protects your mental health. I know that’s vague but I don’t think it’s a one size fits all situation so you need to find what works for you.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I had great parents. It was too long ago for them to have been aware I had autism. We had fundamental misunderstandings, but that really couldn't be helped given the circumstances.

 

[Aspychata]

I have to side with others here. l perpetually believe others aren't truthful until shown otherwise. I am not sure if it's the economy pushing people to be hard-core, or our values are lost as Americans, or whatever. But as a younger adult, l went thru life with values that worked, now l find myself revisiting those strict values and boundaries that protected me.