Family and Guilt

[luckycat00]

I moved from my parents home a year ago and I feel like I'm still transitioning into being my own person. The majority of the day is me feeling extremely guilty for not visiting my parents or calling or texting all day and also replaying my childhood experiences over and over and how much I miss being that young. It's been hard letting go of the past. I probably visit about once every few months. Once in a while I'll send them a text. I've had issues with my mother's harsh judgement of me (which I get it she wants her daughter to be happy) but I have never been able to handle it because I'm so sensitive and I usually end up crying in front of her. I've also been seeing an old boyfriend for over a year that my parents didn't really approve of before and they have no idea. It's very easy to isolate myself from people.
I didn't think it would end up like this after moving from my parents. I just want to find peace and be secure and release all the weight I put on myself and be able to move on. Being around too many people or having too many people in my life overwhelms me and I like having my space. I just like sharing it with one other person and right now I enjoy it with my boyfriend. I feel stuck in my head and enjoying the fantasy of it just being me and my boyfriend and feeling terrible because I don't visit my parents (even though I've been told so many times you go when you want to, you're an adult) I still feel so guilty. I know it should be obvious, tell my parents I'm seeing my boyfriend and go visit when I'm ready. It's me and I'm not sure how to just let things go including my past. I was hoping if anyone had any thoughts.

 

[the_tortoise]

Do your parents visit you? This stuff goes both ways. Unless your parents have a lot more difficulty getting to see you than you to see them, then I don't see why the onus is on you to visit them and not the other way around.

Do they ask you to visit or tell you they want to see you or anything?

I've had issues with my mother's harsh judgement of me (which I get it she wants her daughter to be happy)

This....gives me pause....because being harshly judgemental of someone is pretty much guaranteed to make them unhappy.

 

[luckycat00]

My dad will mention once in a while he'd like to visit to get dinner at a place I've mentioned before. My mother is very much a homebody so I'd be surprised if she drove to see me. She wasn't even around to help me move out of the home. I assume its because it was hard to see me go. My mother has mentioned how I should visit them and they just want me to be happy and support me. But that only made me angry for some reason. I started driving halfway to meet them but just out of spite. Its not that easy to just see them for me. For any of my family members. I don't know what to say when I'm around them. It's almost like Im disconnected with them. And thats probably because Im thinking it so therefore I believe its true. Now I'm just rambling.

 

[Bolletje]

It's not that rare to disconnect a little from your parents when you first move out. When I left home at 18 I wouldn't speak to my parents for weeks at a time, even though I lived in the same city. Not because our relationship was bad, but because I needed time away from them to figure out who I was when I was on my own. It took me a long time to figure this out (possibly an Aspie thing?) and a long time for my relationship with my parents to become something we're both comfortable with. The contact increased after the first year away, when both me and my parents had had some distance and perspective on our relationship.

When I was 27 I took a stand because I felt they were still trying to control my actions. I realized they were being harsh and judgmental sometimes because they only wanted what's best for me and wanted me to be happy, and they didn't feel I made the right choices. They meant well, but I couldn't deal with it at the time. This started a rift that exacerbated due to a lot of circumstances (which I won't go into now, because long story) but I've made it clear to my parents that I love them and I want them in my life, but I'm also an adult now, and while they're free to offer me advice I'm also free to disregard it because we're all mature adults.

 

[The Penguin]

If your boyfriend treating you well then your parents and/or anyone else opinion does not matter. I know my parents didn't approve me doing a long distance relationship with someone across the ocean. I still went a lot with it and did met my girl friend and had a great time. Despite most people don't understand long distance relationships, it does not matter. It what I want. Same applies for you. It what you want since your parents is not dating your boyfriend.

I have been living alone since age 17. I'm 34 now. I found I'm better suited having my own place not shared with anyone since I don't accept most human behaviors of their interest.

For the whole time me living on my own, my mother only visit me three times. Twice for my graduation, and once for an event hosted in the city I'm living in she wants to attend. My father visit me a lot but I don't allow him to see me anymore due to issues I have with him.

At my state of my life now, I focusing on a life living for myself and not for others. People treat me well I allow in my life. Family I decided I visit either once a year or once every two years. I limit who I'm willing to see for my family. As for family I have a decent relationship, I leave communication open to allow them to let me know if there emergencies.

 

[luckycat00]

I appreciate all of your responses and your perspectives on this. I know I'm not the only one who is dealing with this and its nice to chat with others who have or is still experiencing this. I cannot wait to find peace within myself and be secure with myself. I believe thats the way to stop feeling the guilt and just live the way i want to. I mean, I do live the way I want to now but I hate that I can be hard on myself and not just live in the present moment.