family but stressful

[watersprite]

When stresses such as arguments between family members (not me) come up, it is difficult for me.

I'm wanting to help when asked for advice, (I was asked) but can only offer what experiences & lessons I have had over the years. It seems the issues that are discussed are viewed differently than I understand them. Mainly because I opt in general - for peace being more important than, well, just about anything else.

Does anyone else feel suddenly overwhelmed when it comes to conflict - even other people's conflict?

 

[Suzanne]

Yes, Kestrel, I do, but at the same time, in pursuit of peace, I cause the opposite.

And indeed, what I think is not in harmony with what others think, which causes frustration.

My sister, for example has 4 teens and typically has tons of issues. I try to be gentle and make suggestions, but many times, get slammed because I am not a mother. Yet, ironically, if that was the be all and end all, of it, then her teens would be doing good.

I cannot cope with drama, when there are simple solutions and end up suffering myself and, now, to add to that, my heart starts hurting, which upsets me, because I am doing all I can to get well.

 

[Progster]

I find dealing with other people's emotions very difficult because really, I don't know how to handle them. It's especially difficult when they want me to take sides and they get upset when I don't. I believe in fairness, and if I think they are being unfair towards someone, I tell them this, but it sometimes upsets them when they don't see my point of view. I'm good at listening, good at dealing with practical issues, but not emotional ones.

 

[tachyon]

When stresses such as arguments between family members (not me) come up, it is difficult for me.

I'm wanting to help when asked for advice, (I was asked) but can only offer what experiences & lessons I have had over the years. It seems the issues that are discussed are viewed differently than I understand them. Mainly because I opt in general - for peace being more important than, well, just about anything else.

Does anyone else feel suddenly overwhelmed when it comes to conflict - even other people's conflict?

Yes - I try very hard to avoid conflict. I have no idea how to resolve it. When it happens I try to keep the heat down, but everybody else seems to prefer to keep things boiling & I just withdraw.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I like to try to play peacemaker and point out common ground between two sides so they'll make up faster. But sometimes, I just wanna sink my teeth into the situation and brawl. If I never believe in supernatural things, I will believe in little shoulder angels warring with each other in my ears.

 

[Omega]

I do not like drama or confrontation and try to avoid it however I can. I have noticed that when emotions grow strong in people, especially family, logic and reason only inflame the situation.

 

[watersprite]

I do not like drama or confrontation and try to avoid it however I can. I have noticed that when emotions grow strong in people, especially family, logic and reason only inflame the situation.

That's an interesting and percipient comment. Putting it in my mental toolbox.
I stayed true to my reasoning, but I only talked with one of the arguing people. Otherwise, I would have ended up in a meltdown for sure.

 

[On the Inside]

I also find that peace is more important than anything. I'm really surprised by people who don't think that way, or have to dig and stir things up.

I grew up in a household where only my dad and one of my sisters were confrontational. The other 5 of us were largely peaceful (I'm the youngest) and I have always avoided conflict and tried not to engage if conflict erupts. After the sister moved out and my dad died, there was really no conflict in our family. Over time, the sister became one of the sweetest people in my family, very warm and friendly.

I really can't handle conflict, and I know if I can't avoid it, I have no idea how to calm things down. I agree with Omega, that logic and reason (at least my brand of them) seems to inflame. I would prefer to bail if things get too hot, otherwise my own reactions and emotions will eventually get stirred up.

 

[enzyme1978]

Any conflict raises my anxiety levels. I have fled from my boyfriends family home twice when it has become too intense - the first time my flight instinct kicked in and I just said I need to go, and the second time I had an argument with my boyfriend over the way he spoke to his brother, made a scene and left. I have three close family members on the spectrum and my boyfriend was diagnosed last week, so he gets it but I can't after its happened. I felt like a total idiot and had to apologise for my embarrassing behaviour. I have my assessment looming so here's to finding out whether I'm aspie or just an angry lady lol

 

[watersprite]

I like to try to play peacemaker and point out common ground between two sides so they'll make up faster. But sometimes, I just wanna sink my teeth into the situation and brawl. If I never believe in supernatural things, I will believe in little shoulder angels warring with each other in my ears.

AsheSkyler thanks for that, the little shoulder angels gives me a funny cartoon in my head. My angels are: 1 firey, irreverent warrior-ess angel, and 1 peaceful, conciliatory diplomat angel.

 

[Maelstrom]

When stresses such as arguments between family members (not me) come up, it is difficult for me.

I'm wanting to help when asked for advice, (I was asked) but can only offer what experiences & lessons I have had over the years. It seems the issues that are discussed are viewed differently than I understand them. Mainly because I opt in general - for peace being more important than, well, just about anything else.

Does anyone else feel suddenly overwhelmed when it comes to conflict - even other people's conflict?

Hi Kestrel I don't like drama and in the smaller things I usually just try to go with the flow I don't feel the need to have my way on everything. Sometimes on big things Like when the family is really going up hard against my auti welfare for something really stupid and selfish then I stand my ground. I don't know if it is good I feel bad about it, but sometimes you have to say nobody goes over this line, it harms me too much. Things got pretty hot at my house a while back, my Dad dug in his heels and he was going to keep my ex-girlfriends stalker step Mom in our family social circle, come hell or high water. I peaded tried to explain how much harm she had done, I was terribly ill when I lost my ex-girlfriend in the middle of proposing marriage because of her. So finally I had to call the minister over and I said Dad I'll always love you but this changes or the family is done, I just can't take having that crazy lady messing with me any more. So with the minister there he finally realized I was serious, and things are quiet again and everyone is pleasent and happy. But I still feel bad I had to do that, it bothers me, sometimes I feel I should have just packed up and left instead. But I didn't want to leave my parents in their old age at that ladies mercy.

 

[Slithytoves]

I used to insert myself, or allow others to draw me into, family drama. Because I'm pretty opinionated, it didn't do my relationships or the situations in question much good. Having matured a lot in recent years, I am now reluctant to get involved even when asked. Maybe some of it is a feeling that I may still have a reputation to live down. The rest is just cognizance that adding more people to a ruckus only makes a bigger ruckus.

I can definitely relate to your desire for peace. I've found that the small suppressions required to keep peace in the short term sometimes undermine those good intentions in the long term; then blowouts happen to vent off accumulations between people. So if I'm going to get involved at all these days, it's by gently intervening in the small stuff to help avoid something much bigger later. When a major event erupts, I just back away before anyone can try to pull me in.

Interestingly, I'm a good mediator between people who aren't my family. Family dynamics are so complicated that it's harder for me to be effective, or avoid pitfalls, in my own clan.

 

[watersprite]

I've decided on a new rule for my own sake, that arguments between people who are visiting me must happen outside my home and yard - not in it. This might mean a certain person can't visit here anymore. I don't care for them because they're always manipulating in their behavior, which I see through, and puts stress on me in my own home.

 

[hiraeth]

I really dig that idea. If another person steps into my space, their energy lingers here, and if that energy was toxic, it can take a long time to clear out and affects me long after they leave.

My intense dislike for conflict sometimes helps me feel better about not having a relationship with my family. I listen to other people having family drama and think, phew, at least I'll never have your problem. But sometimes I wonder if drama is to some extent inevitable in all relationships, and if I ever make real connections with anyone that go beyond casual, I'll have to entertain the possibility of some drama to some extent.

 

[Beverly]

Very good idea, Kestrel. There are two people who are banned from even coming inside my gate and, two other who, because they are my husband's family, may come in the yard but, not into the house. The banned two have stolen from us and, one of them is a habitual liar and, the husband of the couple allows his wife to perform "favors" for rich men just to get the money and gifts they give her. I don't need that talk or their dishonesty in my life.

The other two that can come in the yard are both self centered, busy body, drama queens and wannabe divas. They are not happy unless they are spreading gossip, stirring up rumors, creating drama and, are the center of attention. The also ahve what I call "entitlement disease." They assume that anything my husband or I are getting rid of, be that trashing, selling, or giving to charity should be given to them instead.

The last straw was when I finished building my latest computer. I game so, I need a gaming rig but, my old desktop was just fine for other things. My husband is not a gamer so, he was getting the old computer since all he had was a 4 year old laptop. One of the dram queens was here when I booted up the new computer. As soon as she saw it was working, she picked up the old computer and started to leave with it. I had to physically stop her form taking it. her reply was "Oh, okay, I'll wait for Dad to get home so you can give it to me together." Of all the nerve. I ran her out of my house and told her to stay out, and keep her second out as well (three way relationship second.)

Later, I told my husband that those two were not allowed in the house and, explained what she had done. He agreed with me that she had gone too far.

As for my family, shall we simply say that there are very good reasons I have been disowned and, have no contact with them.

 

[Maelstrom]

"kestrel, post: 234059, member: 11874"]I've decided on a new rule for my own sake, that arguments between people who are visiting me must happen outside my home and yard - not in it. This might mean a certain person can't visit here anymore. I don't care for them because they're always manipulating in their behavior, which I see through, and puts stress on me in my own home.

Nothing wrong with holding people to good manners and teaching them to respect personal boundaries. Actually those sorts of people suffer greatly through life because of their poor behavioral habits, enabling them really does more harm than good. Some people are like dogs and only understand getting smacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. One of my brothers is that way if I'm too nice to him he's just all over me, trying to work me, control me, use me, basically make me his hand puppet, but if I am firm with him he can be quite nice at times. I don't like being sharp with people it makes me feel bad...but with him you have to show the stick, (down boy!), to get happy relations...it seems wrong but that's how it works sometimes.

(((Hugs))) for you Kestrel I hope things go better for you Mael

 

[watersprite]

Thanks Maelstrom . ha That image of smacking a certain someone's nose with newspaper! I've informed the people in question of the new rule and feel much better.
Beverly you're a wise and benevolent ruler I think. If parts of one's family become estranged, it's out of necessity. Over the years I've crossed bunches of people who happen to be related to me off my 'list' of safe people.

 

[illud]

Conflict stresses me a lot, always did.
During family reunions I like to debate, share different views but when anyone starts to be one-sided I don't like it because I know that will cause conflict with someone else soon.
And yes, seems my opinions are very different than theirs, I'm open to change my views if I'm proven to be wrong, while they stuck to their views and do whatever to make anything fit in, if not they'll reject it unless -specially the females- they feel pressued to include that view because someone else has shown a like to it, that's why many times I'm quiet and don't express my opinion on some issues or in some circles, because I know those will cause conflict among some people and I don't like conflict. Normally I'm the one wanting debate rather than gossip, so I tend to talk with the males mostly.