Family gatherings - struggling to cope

[Emmz]

I attended a large family get-together at the weekend which involved 20-30 people at a country hotel. I didn’t enjoy the occasion and am wondering if it would make sense for me to avoid events like that in the future.

I’m not close to my family generally, but particularly not to my dad’s family, who organised this. My dad committed suicide in 1999 due to work problems which were probably caused / exacerbated by undiagnosed Asperger’s. Nobody in my family knows about my diagnosis.

He was from a large family, most of whom have / had well paid jobs and like to talk about their far-flung holidays. People either don’t speak to me or try to make polite conversation by asking me about my job or holidays. I work in a low paid job which I’m overqualified for, so I feel embarrassed talking about that, and the only holidays I can afford tend to be camping weekends. So trying to make conversation just makes me feel more awkward, out of place and inadequate.

For these reasons I stopped going to the annual gatherings several years ago and had no contact with my dad’s clan apart from the occasional wedding or funeral. However, my mum, brother and his wife and step-kids continued to be regular attenders (even my brother's stepson's girlfriend has now started going). I felt jealous that even non-blood relatives were cultivating better relationships with my own family than I had. My mum couldn’t understand the problem and kept trying to cajole me into going back.

Last year I got my dog, who’s given me the confidence to give these events another go – everyone wants to talk about her, rather than work and holidays! However, it’s not a perfect solution as obviously I’m not able to take her into the restaurant when we have lunch.

Seeing my relatives outside of these big gatherings wouldn't be easy as I live in a different part of the country to them. I can't really drink to lessen my nerves as I have to drive home. I would love it if I had a partner or close friend I could take along for moral support, but sadly I have neither.

Part of me feels like I should keep showing my face because some of my older relatives aren't in the best of health so won't go on for ever. But on the other hand I'm not sure the experience is worth the stress it causes me.

 

[FreeDiver]

My advice to you. If you don't see any other members in your family that might be AS. Then just cut ties with them altogether. I know that there your own family and you feel obligated to be with them. But this association can prove mentally toxic. I know. I had to cut ties with my family because of my AS. The reason I ask about other members of your family possibly having AS is because you may be able to form a subfamily with other AS(if any) members in your family. After all, you suspected your Dad may have had it, right?

 

[Suzanne]

To stop struggling, I highly recommend to give yourself permission to not go where there is a struggle.

Having aspergers is not like having a mild case of the nerves, where you will get better the more you do. It actually is torture to go to these gatherings.

I have spent years going to big meetings for my faith and it has been a complete nightmare, with the loudness and brightness etc and finally I made the decision that I will sit in the car and listen in and to many this is rather weird, but I am known to have weird ideas to get over a situation that I am pretty stuck with.

I get to really concentrate on my spiritual program this way and not be distracted.

I have no communications with any members of my family and now, a couple of siblings who are trying to contact me, are causing ptsd to rise. I cannot afford to be in contact with anyone of them, for my own sanity as they are part cause of my ptsd.

 

[Progster]

I wouldn't go to such gatherings, if there is nobody I can relate to and I feel I don't fit in. You don't have to go. I don't see any point in going to such occasions, especially when the reason I'm being invited is one of social convention rather than a genuine interest in me as a person. Cliche, but true and relevant here: you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your relatives.

 

[JB2018]

Emmz, I can complete relate to your difficulty! I am a member of a large, extended family -- I generally bypass the gatherings, but when there is one I can't find an excuse to avoid, here are a few things I've learned to do to keep myself from complete exhaustion (I actually got these from a therapist years ago who was helping me with anxiety -- didn't know it was Aspie-related at the time):

I set a timer on my phone for each hour; when it beeps, I quietly go outside and just breathe for a few minutes.
If there are any pets there, I spend most of my time with them ;
I don't contribute to discussions or controversies unless specifically asked (this really works well -- most of my family members like to hear themselves talk anyway );
I don't eat or drink much, and I keep a comfort snack in my car for when I can finally get out of there;
I think about my own place -- my haven -- and remind myself that I'll be home soon.

I really do love these people, but it always takes a day or two to recover from the drama; those coping mechanisms have really made a difference for me -- maybe they'll be helpful for you too .

And joining this AC site has opened up a whole new world for me -- I know I can log in and read posts, join the chat room, etc. and feel comfortable. At the next unavoidable family get-together, I'll be logging in frequently because I know I'm welcomed here!

Regards,
JB

 

[Bella Pines]

Yes, we can ALL relate. It's nice that you feel obligated and probably want to do it for your mother's sake and for a kindness, but I agree that you deserve more freedom. It's okay not to attend.

But if you genuinely (for whatever reason) want to attend in a limited sense... you can always use the dog as an excuse! Is it so bad that restaurants don't allow dogs?