Family Issues

[MyEverChangingMoods]

Sorry for the long post. Does anyone feel like their feelings aren’t taken seriously? I’m honestly not sure whether my parents believe me when I say I have autism.

This time I’ve really struggling to forgive them as I have previously clearly explained things that bother me (such as people coming to the house for many hours without warning or significantly earlier than specified) and they pretend to understand and then continue to do those things. I have been pushed ‘over the edge’ and have felt deeply depressed since New Years Eve because of them putting me in difficult positions and not giving me enough personal time all holiday.

I should say that I am not completely strict about this - but when it keeps happening and then it ruins my day, Christmas and plunges me into depression because it's caused me to spiral into a rut, I lose my temper with it.

Also complicating it is the fact I don’t get on at all with my sister and I don’t particularly like her fiancé either. So my parents want them round all the while (with both her domineering personality and her 4 loud kids) because she’s their daughter - but none of them respect that I need more ‘me’ time, more time to recover between family get togethers (8 hour marathons every other day is too much) and more warning so I can at least get my affairs in order. Neither do they hold my sister to account for her constant disrespect towards me.

When I argue with my sister my parents still act like they can tell me off for arguing with her, rather than trying to understand that her attitude is infuriating (which I know deep down they know as they’ve experienced it too).

They push me until I explode and then call me unreasonable or blame it on alcohol (my mums got a thing about it because my dad has a drinking problem, I’m not a heavy drinker, sometimes it’s just because there is a bottle near me she acts like I’m a raging alcoholic). When she does that I can only describe it as gaslighting.

It really saddens me because I feel they are taking advantage of me. If I burn my bridges with them I will be disliked by every single person I know. They know I have no one else to turn to and that I have a weakness for their authority which has persisted since childhood. They still act like I’m a child and I still feel like one. They make household decisions without speaking to me about them.

I rely on them totally for my self-esteem. Since I’ve fallen out with them I’ve completely stopped playing guitar (the only reason for wanting to live the past 5 months) and have no desire to do anything but hide in my room. I don’t feel loved by them when I’m not what is considered normal.

And if my family doesn’t like me for who I am, why would anyone else? This feels especially true with my sister for some reason, maybe because she’s a similar age and therefore a reflection of my peers in society.

Now running through my head are all the times I have let things go that were totally unacceptable and were not apologised for:

· My sister’s fiancé starting on me in a restaurant, something I invited him to try and include him

· My dad trying to physically batter me because of some choice words, then calling the cops over to scare me into apologising and getting a job (I was resisting a job at the time due to severe social anxiety and depression which they were not helpful about).

· My mother gaslighting me which led to said choice words

· My sister criticising, chastising, patronising, verbally abusing or intentionally goading me on a regular basis throughout the years; one such occasion leading to my mother gaslighting me which led to said choice words which led to my dad trying to physically batter me

Sometimes it feels like they are ganging up on me. They seem unable to take me seriously when I say I am different and have certain needs. I find it humiliating to explain to them why I’m so angry and upset, especially as I’ve already told them. There are also new things that I am still coming to terms with – if they can’t accept these straightforward things, how will they accept things that sound a bit weirder?

Like on NYE they knew I was already upset (as well as really tired due to my routine being all over the place) but it makes me feel better in a social setting (several family members who I am not close to) to have familiar music that I like on. As someone with no real closeness to people, my favourite bands make me feel not alone. But my sister demanded that we change that as well, which was the last straw. How do I even explain that? Even I think that sounds crazy.

I think I am seeing the massive downside of masking here. I have repressed feelings that are making me bitter and, like me, my family are resisting who I am and how I really feel.

I hate it when it’s like this. If I try to explain it to them, they will think they have an option to dismiss it all and disagree, which is what they did the other night. If I lay the law down it might make me feel vindicated, but it will not repair the relationship. But there is deep resentment there. Time will not calm me down, I will stay angry and up tight. The longer things go on the more life momentum I am losing, which will take me time to build back up again.

So with no other option, how do I open up a dialogue without looking and feeling weak?

 

[Tom]

Next time they disagree that you have autism, tell them you don't believe they are your real parents.

 

[Thinx]

Our families and family relationships are definitely not representative of how the rest of the world may be. As you say, it's pretty hard for parents to treat their adult children as adults, plus they do tend to see the home as something they have paid for and provided and therefore an adult son or daughter is rarely an equal sharer at home.

Would it be possible for you to look into moving out of home into independent accommodation of some kind? Then you could set your own standards and rules and choose your own music without having to consult with parents or other family members. This can be a lot to take on in itself of course, but I would think it's a better route to feeling OK than trying to change everyone's views and ways in your childhood home.

Parents are just people, with all kinds of hangups and faults, trying to get them to be different and to parent you differently after 29 years of being the way they are isn't likely to create much change. It's actually pretty normal to feel uncomfortable living at home with parents as an adult and is part of what prompts most people to leave home and live their own life.

Mostly young people move out of home and that tends to solve these issues, they go to college or university or training, or get into a relationship, or move to get work, etc. Is that an option for you?

It seems like your parents see your sister as being perhaps on the expected route, she's moved out and started a family and that also probably makes them see you as younger, not yet having gone down that route many parents expect for their children.

Life does have challenges. In any shared household we have to consider the other people, so we can't necessarily have our music on or get others to consider us and our needs over themselves. Try to think what you can do to change your situation rather than how everyone else might change, because 29 years of experience should tell you that your family are how they are, if that's not ok for you, then probably you will need to move on from that situation, which parents may be happy to help you do.

 

[Suzette]

There is a lot to unpack here and it is late, but I want to leave a little to think about.

I am 54 and my mother still treats me like I am 8. This is the nature of many parent / child relationships. The only thing you can do is stop taking their parenting to heart. Set some boundaries and protect them for yourself. For example my mom will tell me how to load the dishwasher. She litterally hovers. I just laugh. "Jeeze mom, do you think I am doing this right? Any tips?". Yes, old ladies do blush when they have been caught!

It isn't up to your parents to make your sister behave. That is your job as an adult. When your sister acts like a cow respond with "Show some respect".

I know this isn't easy stuff to do. You have put a lot on your family to behave in ways that you like. But, by now you should know, they aren't going to do it. You don't have to burn bridges. Just accept that they do as they will wheather you like it or not.

You know that every other day there will be a zoo parading around the house. Put a lock on your beddoom door and buy some noise cancelling headphones. Retreat to your room any time you like. Put your headphones on and find your peace.

Your parents aren't responsible for your self esteem. That's your job. That's why it is called "self" esteem. Honor yourself! Stop denigrating yourself. Pick up your guitar even if you suck at it but just love playing. Esteem yourself!

Take time to figure out little tricks to stop the nonsense. Like, have a drink but put the bottle away after you have poured one so that you avoid comments from mom.

Back to those boundaries, practice saying things like "That's not possible", "Be respectful", "I will if you say please" etc. Know what is and isn't acceptible for you and do not allow other to encroach on those boundaries. "Autisim isn't a belief. It is a neurological fact. I can't handle this chaos. I will be in my room."

You can do this!

 

[MyEverChangingMoods]

Our families and family relationships are definitely not representative of how the rest of the world may be. As you say, it's pretty hard for parents to treat their adult children as adults, plus they do tend to see the home as something they have paid for and provided and therefore an adult son or daughter is rarely an equal sharer at home.

Would it be possible for you to look into moving out of home into independent accommodation of some kind? Then you could set your own standards and rules and choose your own music without having to consult with parents or other family members. This can be a lot to take on in itself of course, but I would think it's a better route to feeling OK than trying to change everyone's views and ways in your childhood home.

Parents are just people, with all kinds of hangups and faults, trying to get them to be different and to parent you differently after 29 years of being the way they are isn't likely to create much change. It's actually pretty normal to feel uncomfortable living at home with parents as an adult and is part of what prompts most people to leave home and live their own life.

Mostly young people move out of home and that tends to solve these issues, they go to college or university or training, or get into a relationship, or move to get work, etc. Is that an option for you?

It seems like your parents see your sister as being perhaps on the expected route, she's moved out and started a family and that also probably makes them see you as younger, not yet having gone down that route many parents expect for their children.

Life does have challenges. In any shared household we have to consider the other people, so we can't necessarily have our music on or get others to consider us and our needs over themselves. Try to think what you can do to change your situation rather than how everyone else might change, because 29 years of experience should tell you that your family are how they are, if that's not ok for you, then probably you will need to move on from that situation, which parents may be happy to help you do.

Yeh I am trying to move out, though there isn't much on the renting market at the moment. We are currently renting and I pay for my share of the rent and food etc. so I would have hoped that meant I could be treated like an adult.

As far as I'm concerned the reason I haven't moved out is because I haven't been as lucky as my sister - she's confident, attractive, had nor problems making friends, finding partners or pursuing goals. I have only one payslip whereas she's reliant on her fiance for finances.

I thought it was reasonable to expect understanding from your parents. I'm not asking to be dictator. Just some evidence that people can appreciate me as an equal and that I do actually live in the house.

 

[Alexej]

Firstly, thank you for sharing so much with us and being so clear about it.
Personally I appreciated the way you wrote it, having the paragraphs made it so much easier to read, and enabled me to get to the end. As others have said, there is a lot to unpack in here, and that will take me time,

However, these words

I rely on them totally for my self-esteem. Since I’ve fallen out with them I’ve completely stopped playing guitar (the only reason for wanting to live the past 5 months) and have no desire to do anything but hide in my room. I don’t feel loved by them when I’m not what is considered normal.

struck me.
Relying on your family for your self esteem seems like an unhelpful choice. I know that you can pull your thoughts together to write very coherently and clearly and that you can express yourself well, just from what you have written. I am sure there is more to you than what we have here.

 

[MyEverChangingMoods]

Thank you all for your comments.

Just to touch on the self-esteem part because you have all mentioned it. Where is that supposed to come from? I am a 'logical' person. I feel the need to rationalise things. But there is a certain element of it being a natural reaction to my interactions with people. I have felt pushed around, weak and inferior for all of my life, and I'm left with such an anger and insecurity about it.

I feel completely incapable of looking after myself in a physical or verbal confrontation, as if I were smaller mentally and physically. I think this is partly down to being bullied at school and having a father who's method of discipline was often to terrify me when I was a child (I don't think he necessarily did it on purpose). I also feel incapable of achievement socially or otherwise. And with all these things I don't have a lot of evidence to the contrary.

If deep down I really believe these things, how do I prove them wrong? I don't feel like I have any starting point with it. I just find it hard to believe that people who feel lonely, unloved and unrespected by others would have decent self-esteem. I must have heard people say thousands of times that it's a bad idea to have your self-esteem determined by others, but for the life of me I can't work out how they define it.

The actual definition is 'a subjective evaluation of one's own worth'. I find this odd. I don't know how you can be subjective about yourself in the way you are subjective with others. For example, when people say they like someone, isn't it because they get a good vibe and positive feelings around that person? But you are always with yourself, so you never get a subjective understanding of how things change when you're around yourself, or when you're gone. And if you're always with yourself, why would you care enough to have an opinion on yourself? It makes no difference because you don't exist on earth by yourself. If a tree falls in the woods when no one's around, does it make a sound?

Now I could be objective about myself. Like, objectively people don't like being around me (the real me), objectively I cause controversy, objectively I am not desired by those I have sought for a relationship. Objectively, if I stood up to people they could beat me into submission and there would be nothing I could do about it. Objectively, if none of the people who've known you all your life are on your side it doesn't exactly support the view that you are likeable. Do I think I'm likeable? I don't see how that's relevant. It wouldn't matter if I thought I was the best guy that ever lived, I'd still crave acceptance, sex, companionship, a job etc. So I'd still need to be acceptable to others.

So whether I rationalise objectively, or look deep down inside to my subconscious, I feel the same. Ive always been under the impression that my way isn't the 'right' way to think (so I'm told anyway) but I don't understand which bit I am misunderstanding. Is it that people don't care what others think - or is it more that they believe they are loved?

 

[Au Naturel]

Of course your feelings aren't taken seriously! Very rare. the young person who doesn't feel that way. That is a nearly universal response by adults to their unruly charges. In fact, by most authorities relative to their subordinates. This was probably just as true ten thousand years ago as now.

Welcome to the club.

 

[Thinx]

Thank you all for your comments.

Just to touch on the self-esteem part because you have all mentioned it. Where is that supposed to come from? ....

So whether I rationalise objectively, or look deep down inside to my subconscious, I feel the same. Ive always been under the impression that my way isn't the 'right' way to think (so I'm told anyway) but I don't understand which bit I am misunderstanding. Is it that people don't care what others think - or is it more that they believe they are loved?

Yes totally, self-esteem will be affected by treatment from others. It would be very hard to have high self-esteem when others bully you or are mean, or if others don't appreciate you. But this is situational, in the sense that many of us don't really find fully who we are and what we are about, until we emerge from home and can be an individual in the world, where there's such a range of people and ideas that we can find all sorts that wasn't available in our family growing up.

That doesn't mean we are perfect and our family are mean, although some family members are mean sometimes, it's more that if we are unusual or different from how our family are, we won't be much appreciated and may well be censured. This doesn't hold out in the world though, because there's all sorts out there, and we will be able to find some places where we feel a fit in some way. Maybe through our work, or through interests, through being part of a group or cause, through offering help or knowledge or our skills to others in some ways?

Moving out of childhood and home means we can look for what else there is, through education maybe, through trainings, through interests through pursuing our own goals, and paths that work for us. This is particularly likely to be beneficial for neurodiverse people I think, where we have not been easily recognised by others, or even shunned and discouraged, and we end up having to find and recognise ourselves.

That's where self esteem comes in. Because you need to see the upside of this guy you are, where others haven't understood or encouraged him. Ok so he's got some aspects others find difficult, and yes, sometimes he'll have to work on that too, but he's more than that, he's got plenty to appreciate, and as an adult, he needs to be there for himself, like, really dig deep for that understanding parent aspect of yourself that we do all have.

Try filling in some sentences that start, what I appreciate about you, MECM, is:

It could be things like, you appreciate your own deep thinking. Or your ability to consider different ideas. Or how competent you are at different aspects of your job. Or how you try to see others points of view. Or that you are a very articulate writer. Or that you have coped with difficulties as best you could as a child and young adult, which shows grit and courage.

There's so much to appreciate about our unique selves, and as adults, the responsibility passes to ourselves to be our own supportive advocate and adviser. Everyone is a mix, we all have our downsides and traits we or others find problematic, but we all also have upsides and traits that are strengths, that are positive and that need to be recognised and developed. And some things about us others haven't liked can turn out to be strengths, too.

 

[SDRSpark]

It really saddens me because I feel they are taking advantage of me. If I burn my bridges with them I will be disliked by every single person I know.

That might be a good thing.

They know I have no one else to turn to and that I have a weakness for their authority which has persisted since childhood.

This isn't OK.

I rely on them totally for my self-esteem.

This isn't OK either. You'll never have your emotional needs met by abusers.

And if my family doesn’t like me for who I am, why would anyone else?

Because your family are terrible people. Why WOULDN'T anyone else like you?

Society acts like people who you're related to are obligated to love you (and you them) - it's nonsense.

Sometimes it feels like they are ganging up on me.

They are.

I'll be extremely blunt here: If what you've written here is true (and I don't have any reason to doubt it at this point so I'm taking it at face value) you are an abuse victim. Your family are not good people and you need to get away from them. Especially your dad, assaulting you and then calling the cops on YOU. If what you say is true, you would have been well within your rights to call the cops on HIM for the assault.

You need to get out of their house, make new friends outside of their circle. Getting a job is a good way to do this, because it will get you away from them and you'll get to know people who are outside of your family's circle. Just do not, under any circumstances, let your family have access to your finances once you get said job. Open your own bank account that they don't have access to, if you don't have one already. Keep your information private.