Family Members Attempting to "Fix" Us

[SonoranPrincess]

My husband and I have been married for 33 years. He is loving and supportive, but I notice he still coaches me to be more social, to go out in public more and to discuss my feelings with him. He knows I can force myself to impersonate an NT, and go shopping and to parties, but don't enjoy it. Explaining my feelings, except in the most general terms, is nearly impossible. I know he is just trying to improve my quality of life, but I mainly am what I am.... Do you have people in your life who are always "helping you to be normal"?

 

[Ylva]

My husband and I have been married for 33 years. He is loving and supportive, but I notice he still coaches me to be more social, to go out in public more and to discuss my feelings with him. He knows I can force myself to impersonate an NT, and go shopping and to parties, but don't enjoy it. Explaining my feelings, except in the most general terms, is nearly impossible. I know he is just trying to improve my quality of life, but I mainly am what I am.... Do you have people in your life who are always "helping you to be normal"?

Can't you tell him that you feel uncomfortable with his coaching? He's asking for it.

And to answer your question: yes, but I systematically cut them out of my life.

 

[On the Inside]

Yes. I was diagnosed a few years ago in my mid forties. My spouse is always trying to "help" me be more normal.

She tends to think that my main task in treatment should be to work towards greater "normalcy", rather than expect people to be accepting and understanding of my differences. Sometimes she even suggests there could be a twelve step style process for HFA, so we could be more like others.

I do try to limit my Aspieness when I am able, but I've been trying to be normal all my life,(with little success) and now I'm more interested in exploring how I am different and how that might be a strength.

I've been slowly opening up who I really am, letting people warm to the idea that I my mind works differently ( I think a lot of people already knew this) and hope that I can feel more comfortable being me, rather than feeling awful trying to be different (that is, being normal).

 

[AsheSkyler]

My grandmother. Always harping on my wardrobe. She's fine with everything but how I dress. Being the Frumpmeister can't be hurting me that badly if I got married anyway!

 

[gregmcph]

My poor daughter. She was having an especially hard time of it a year ago. She was getting stressed out by people, and sometimes flat out refusing to go to family events and so on. And my wife just insisted on pushing at her to do things to the point of yelling and tears by both wife and daughter.

She was convinced that my daughter shouldn't be allowed to withdraw, ever. She could be fixed.
I'd plead for her to back off a bit, but then I became part of the problem. I was to blame for the state of my daughter.

Grrrmmphh. She just couldn't understand.

 

[paloftoon]

Best thing I can suggest is for people to invite others to go to autism workshops or conferences. Or, maybe find a counselor on your own if you can and maybe they can support you and have your back is someone might be pushing you too hard. Things are more easily done in baby steps. Another thing to keep in mind is that as long as you aren't independent, that you do have to contribute on your end to try as hard as you can to adjust naturally enough to survive. How you dress would be important for your job, but outside of that and as long as you are independently walking somewhere and not around your family members who don't like that kind of dress, feel free to go as you please.

If a family member or spouse is pressuring you to be more social, then maybe your lack of being social is affecting them and their livelihood. If you married this person, you chose them not just for the traits that you like, but maybe for the "scorning" that you don't like too.

Easiest way to try to be social is to find an event or group that you like. A smaller group of people is generally better because you won't feel overwhelmed by masses of people. Plan ahead, as last minute planning could get you into annoying social situations that could have been prevented otherwise.

 

[King_Oni]

Sometimes I wish I had these people in my life at some point. But at this age, I doubt I'll change. Especially since I've always been told I have a strong personality and I seem to be more of a dominant type... even therapists gave up on changing me, rather than "adjusting" where and if possible.

Back in my teens my dad wanted me to be a bit more "adjusted" I suppose, but as a teen I rebelled against a lot of things (ain't that a surprise, lol). Me growing my hair long, my choice in music, all things that made him wonder where my upbringing went wrong, hah.

As I got older, my dad gave up and accepted me for being me and so did all other family (even if that's not a lot of people). Perhaps it's worth noting that ever since my dad had a stroke, his perception of normal and "fitting in" changed significantly and he seemed to be more understanding that the norm is not set in stone and people are free to do whatever they want. Surely made it all less tense for years while interacting with him. Friends; If I look at them; they're on the spectrum (or highly suspected), so their idea of "normal" is probably just as "half-assed" as mine and almost all have this issue with people wanting them to be "normal" one way or another.

I once dated a woman, who, while she didn't dislike me (otherwise, we would be dating?), she started making more and more of a point of being an adult, being responsible and not making it all get out of hand; it referring to preferences in a lot of areas going from appearance, to habits, preferences in a fair few fields. That was among the reasons for a break-up, which to me shows how far I will go if someone wants to change me. I'll actively take them out of my life.

 

[Suzanne]

I have very similar. Been with my nt man for 24 years this year and he does the same with me and even says why can't I learn to understand the nt mind and with a lot of self control, I try to say gently that I have do this my whole life and now, my brain says: stop you cannot put yourself through this constantly, so I am a bit more assertive now, when I know I can't cope.

For example: I will not attend a gathering with any more than 10 people, but I MUST know them. I was made to go to a wedding anniversary party with over 50 people and only knew a few and I ended up begging my husband to walk me back to the car, due to the pathway being very uneven and my balance is dreadful. At first, he was visibly annoyed but at that point, I was almost past caring about how I appeared and with tears of mortification (I did say: almost past caring), I urgently whispered that I really needed to go and so, knowing me as he thinks he does, he walked me back (I know not many men would do that). He went back to the party and I sat in the car, sobbing and promised myself that never again will I put myself through that!

I am not good with wearing my mask.

 

[Randomperson]

My husband and I have been married for 33 years. He is loving and supportive, but I notice he still coaches me to be more social, to go out in public more and to discuss my feelings with him. He knows I can force myself to impersonate an NT, and go shopping and to parties, but don't enjoy it. Explaining my feelings, except in the most general terms, is nearly impossible. I know he is just trying to improve my quality of life, but I mainly am what I am.... Do you have people in your life who are always "helping you to be normal"?

Why is he pestering you to go outside of your comfort zone after 33 years? If it is not broken, do not go messing with it.

 

[113]

I wish I had some people to suggest fixes for my life or tell me when I'm doing things incorrectly. I don't get much feedback, so I don't know how to improve.

 

[Spiller]

I wish I had some people to suggest fixes for my life or tell me when I'm doing things incorrectly. I don't get much feedback, so I don't know how to improve.

I had to agree with your post 113, as I often feel the same.. I might have coped better and socialised more effectively with the right pointers years ago..
I do, however, have an ex-wife who, when we were married, constantly tried to force me to do things I just couldn't do.. even now, years after my divorce, if there's anything involving my kids, she phones me - knowing full well that I can't use a phone - instead of texting, then is annoyed with me later for not answering the phone!
She refuses to acknowledge I have AS, depression, anxiety.. instead, I'm supposed to understand more what her life's like..
Ah, well..

 

[HappyHermit]

I grew up with the sort of 'help' I could have done without. I wasn't allowed any privacy, I wasn't allowed to withdraw to my room, I was forced to be around others - especially children and adolescents my age, which was horrible - and not allowed quiet leisure activities, like drawing or writing - it all had to be done with others, preferably loudly and outside. It was horrible. I can't stress this enough. It. was. horrible.

I got sick a lot because I couldn't cope with it all, and by the time I became legally an adult and able to move out, I was chronically depressed and had the mother of all cluster headaches that would hardly ever go away for more than a couple of days anymore. I couldn't focus on anything and had developed an eating disorder. I couldn't sleep. My self-esteem was non-existent.

Yes, I can put on an Oscar-winning performance of being NT as a result of having been pressured to breaking point half my life. No, I don't recommend it. I cut out my family of origin for a reason.

I still kept up a milder pretend-NT version for work for many years, until the stress from that also built up to where I couldn't tolerate it anymore and got the most creative physical reactions. In some workplaces I wouldn't have lasted a day if I hadn't, in some others it was slightly less necessary and I might have got away with a 'quirk' or two. But, generally speaking, the expectation to act NT was there in the workplace in most cases and was a large part of the reason why I kept up the act to an extent.

I'll put up with expectations from work up to a point, and people there don't know that I'm autistic, with only one exception and perhaps another who may suspect but not actually know. But my door is almost always closed. I don't do any teamwork I don't have to do, which is practically none in my current job. But I absolutely don't do extracurriculars anymore. It's bad enough that I have to keep it up during working hours - I'm not being drafted into after-work nonsense. When people try to push me I stonewall them. At my current place of work, that just about works. But I have worked (and happily left) places where the pressure was constant and relentless and where you were bullied if you didn't conform. Currently, that's thankfully not the case.

But no way will I put up with pressure from people in my private life anymore. My partner got to know the whole package - they're not getting to veto who I am decades later. If they did I'd be heartbroken, but better off on my own. We may discuss individual actions or decisions of the other, but our way of being is not up for discussion. Besides, NTs have limitations that are no less extreme if perhaps less noticeable because mainstream culture is built along their strengths, not their weaknesses. They can sometimes benefit from having their own shortcomings pointed out if they're too pushy. The more sensible ones tend to realise it all on their own, though.

I'm only friends with people who can take me being me. It would come as a surprise to the people who raised me, but these creatures do exist. They don't even all know that I'm autistic, or at least I haven't told them, if they do suspect. I doubt they care one way or the other, though.

I do have a couple of acquaintances through work who try it on every once it a while. For me, I've found that it works not to engage and not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). What I do or don't do on my own time is for me to decide and not for them to demand. That's where stonewalling works quite nicely. After all, I don't go up to them either to interrogate them on why they were so desperate they just had to spend the entire weekend with people! I mean - wow! No time to themselves?? Do they even know themselves anymore? What's wrong with them that they can't ever be on their own?! Is there an underlying problem, perhaps? - I don't do that, and I don't expect it to be done to me. It's not much to ask, really.

 

[113]

constantly tried to force me to do things I just couldn't do

I see them as two different things:

1. Good: Helping me to figure out how to understand and improve my behavior. Examples: "That person was expecting you to say 'thank you'" or "you probably shouldn't wear that shirt -- here's one that looks more appropriate for the occassion."
   
2. Bad: Trying to force me to do things that I can't do or that will be worse for me than not doing them. I don't mind if people make those kinds of suggestions, as long as they don't try to force me or talk to me like they think I am stupid.

 

[SonoranPrincess]

HFA'S don't have the option of changing to become like "normal" people. Our brains work differently. We can learn skills that allow us to fit in better, but that's not the same thing. Many Asperger individuals have high functioning areas, that make them very special. Hope society can begin to value us for our uniqueness, our inquisitive minds and our ability to "think outside the box." We don't have to be average to be OK. Best of luck!

My poor daughter. She was having an especially hard time of it a year ago. She was getting stressed out by people, and sometimes flat out refusing to go to family events and so on. And my wife just insisted on pushing at her to do things to the point of yelling and tears by both wife and daughter.

She was convinced that my daughter shouldn't be allowed to withdraw, ever. She could be fixed.
I'd plead for her to back off a bit, but then I became part of the problem. I was to blame for the state of my daughter.

Grrrmmphh. She just couldn't understand.

 

[SameStars]

I do have close family who sometimes try to prod me towards social things or coach me through necessary interactions. While not always succesful, because I have experienced shutdowns, irritation and panic attacks for it, I will always be thankful for the tenacity in their want to include me; I would have otherwise missed out on things I enjoyed.

 

[Nadador]

Hello, SonoranPrincess. I haven't had the pleasure of engaging with you before, so welcome [a month belated] and good to meet you.

I have been fortunate, in that I have a family that is supportive of my Asperger's in just the ways I need them to be. I'm 58 and my parents are deceased, but I have them to thank for the way I'm treated now by my siblings and their clans, because they set the tone early on that my eccentricities aren't problems that need fixing, or abnormalities that need normalising. I can empathise, however, with what you've written. I know how frustrated I would be, if someone I loved, and who loved me, was stuck in a well-intentioned but ableist mindset.

You didn't ask for recommendations, but have you looked into finding resources here that can better explain to him what you cannot? He sounds like a caring enough bloke to give you the respect of taking on a little hand-selected reading. Whether he can change old habits at this point is a question, and certainly his efforts would require your patience.

A last thought, as you said something that caught my eye: "I know he is just trying to improve my quality of life...". Forgive me if you have already tried this, but perhaps that thought would be a good foundation for a gentle discussion. He may benefit from hearing you explain what "quality of life" means for you, with your differing neurology...that it doesn't include many of the things that NTs want and need, such as shopping trips and parties. You might explain how forcing yourself to do those things detracts from your experience of life. Framed that way, he might understand better. It sounds like he does care that you be happy. He just doesn't seem to grasp what "happy" is for you.

I wish you peace with your situation.

 

[SkyBlue]

The problem I most encounter is the people you describe think the cure for my social anxiety is to throw myself in difficult social situations and do it often, like I'll just magically get comfortable with it or something. Yet it has the opposite effect every time.