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Family question, need help- is this a reasonable request?

Cerulean

Cerulean

Well-Known Member
My husband and I have been talking about having kids for about 6 weeks now, following a miscarriage I had in December. I'm still a firm no, he's still a firm yes. We've discussed our pro/con lists and fears, and he thinks the reason I don't want them is because I have abandonment issues from my mom. Now my mom and I are pretty close, we're geographically close and see each other every other week or so to watch TV and catch up. Hubs thinks this kind of relationship isn't appropriate for parent/child, and that I need to stop seeing her and start talking to a therapist about some of my past stuff. I'm fine with our arrangement, and so is my mom, and others who've known us think it's awesome that we can be friendly like that. If any guy I was ever dating, especially one who wanted a family, had told me that I need to stop being close with my parents, he'd be gone before you know it. I can't tell if he has my best interests at heart and sees something that I don't, or if he thinks getting me away from my family and into a Dr.'s office will get him the kids he wants (manipulative, much?).

Now I'll admit I would probably benefit from therapy for other reasons, but I'm looking for opinions here- if you were with someone that asked this of you, how do you think you'd react? Am I right for seeing some red flags here?

Thanks for ANY input!!
 
I actually think, that any therapist will tell you "do you want your relationship between your mom and yourself to change?" if you actually think it's fine the way it is between you and your mom, I don't know if he can change a lot. You must be willing to change that. If the only one having a problem with it is your husband, I'm quite sure that same therapist would like to see him and tell him to be more accepting.

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with being close to your parents. It's more troublesome if others interfere and want you to change it because they feel it's not appropriate for whatever reason
 
Unless your mother is a person who makes you feel bad about yourself or causes you harm in any way, I can't imagine a therapist actually thinking it was a bad thing to be close to your mom. He may be jealous of your relationship with your mom. If you think you could benefit from therapy, I would say go, but I don't think he's gonna get the result from it that he wants. It is possible you might change your mind, if you come to term with some things, like if you are still grieving from the miscarriage. My roommate has had two and she still grieves but she still wants a child and plans to have one, but the impact of the miscarriages were devastating. But its possible that it may just not be something you want, and if neither one of you change your mind, you might try couples counselling.
 
A marriage should an addition to family not in place of. I would never ask my spouse to sever ties with any family.
 
I'm seeing red flags all over the place, frankly. I can't imagine why seeing one's mother once a week could possibly be unhealthy; if this really is your husband's opinion, then I'm sorry, but he's nuts. And his pushing so hard for a kid, when you're clearly having a difficult time with it...It does indeed sound "manipulative." I would actually recommend going to counseling by yourself first, if you decide to go that route. How would I react in this situation? NOT WELL, I'd say! Hell, I'd be flipping my biscuit at him.

Sorry if I've come across as a little...forward. But I from the situation you've described, I can't help but smell a rat. I'm not qualified to give any substantive advice on this matter, but it doesn't look good from here.
 
What everyone else said.

Doesn't he want his & your possible future child to have a grandmother? Why is he trying to isolate you from a relationship that is benefiting you & that you seem to be enjoying? I see more red than a bull in a ring in Madrid! I'm not suggesting that you outright dump your husband, but if he thinks that YOU are the only one here who needs to chat with a shrink, he's deluding himself. Perhaps he thinks that your mother is influencing you to not have children. Even if this is the case, it is ultimately your call since you're the one with the uterus who will go through 9 full months of pregnancy. Even had there been no miscarriage, this is a huge decision & one that should never be made under duress or with coercion. If you're a firm no right now, then you've made your decision: he just seems unwilling to accept it.
 
Cerulean said:
My husband and I have been talking about having kids for about 6 weeks now, following a miscarriage I had in December. I'm still a firm no, he's still a firm yes. We've discussed our pro/con lists and fears, and he thinks the reason I don't want them is because I have abandonment issues from my mom. Now my mom and I are pretty close, we're geographically close and see each other every other week or so to watch TV and catch up. Hubs thinks this kind of relationship isn't appropriate for parent/child, and that I need to stop seeing her and start talking to a therapist about some of my past stuff. I'm fine with our arrangement, and so is my mom, and others who've known us think it's awesome that we can be friendly like that. If any guy I was ever dating, especially one who wanted a family, had told me that I need to stop being close with my parents, he'd be gone before you know it. I can't tell if he has my best interests at heart and sees something that I don't, or if he thinks getting me away from my family and into a Dr.'s office will get him the kids he wants (manipulative, much?).

Now I'll admit I would probably benefit from therapy for other reasons, but I'm looking for opinions here- if you were with someone that asked this of you, how do you think you'd react? Am I right for seeing some red flags here?

Thanks for ANY input!!
Click to expand...
Cerulean, you are one of the people here that I like best, so I feel I must say something. Isolating someone from their friends and family is one of the things that abusers try to do, in order that the abuser can more easily control that person. I'm not saying that your husband is abusive; I obviously don't know. However, you asked if his behavior might be a red flag, and it most certainly might be. You are right to examine this fully. Please do what is best for you.
 
That is very controlling behavior, very much a red flag situation. He may think that your relationship with your mom is what is making you not want to have a child. Guess what? It's your body. And it's your mom. *Whoa dude.*
I have been in too many relationships where I was controlled and isolated for the males agenda - and their agenda was never mine. It can be very hard to say "Hell no" to someone you really care about and are in a close relationship, but the sooner you do that, the better. Which you may have already done.

If you're happy with your relationship with your mom and don't think you need to go sit in Dr. office in your free time, nothing needs to change. Pretty much what everyone else said.

=)

 
It does sound like there are some red flags here. However, I have some additional questions:

How long have you been married?
Was he this way about your mother before you got married or did this just come up?
Have you asked him specifically what he sees is wrong with you being close to your mother?

It's very hard to make a judgement call without knowing all the facts. Not being married myself I can only say what I have observed in others' marriages. I know a couple whose marriage nearly foundered very early on because the wife felt that her husband had not yet cut the apron strings with Mama. She felt that he was putting his mother above their marriage to the point where they were not able to develop as a couple. She finally had to issue an ultimatum. It was not that she wanted him to cut off all contact with his mother; it was that she felt very strongly that he was more focused on his relationship with his mother than on his wife. It did manage to "save" that marriage (whether it should have been saved is another question). I am not saying that this is what is happening here but your husband may have a legitimate concern regarding your relationship with your mother. Although it doesn't sound excessive to me.

I am more concerned about his attitude regarding children. If he has that attitude and you are pretty sure you don't want children then YOU need to make sure that YOU are using birth control religiously and not leaving it up to chance or him. He's certainly indicated that if you are careless in this matter it would be just fine with him if you did get pregnant and therefore he won't be looking out for your best interests and wishes.
 
I think he should listen to you. If you have had bad experiences in the past with miscarriages as it's upset you, then I'd leave it a few months, then bring it up then.

But it's entirely up to you. But don't have him force it on you, because you have a say in all this :)
 
I see red flags, all right. If that were my husband, I would have left him, and my parting word to him (at least in my mind) would be: "That pregnancy/birth scenario you try to push on me? That is MY physical and psychological trauma to go through, and I will be the one to decide whether or not to go through it."

I'm sorry that you miscarried. It is hard on the parents. Doctors advice women to wait at least three months after a miscarriage to try again, and that's if they still want to go through with a pregnancy. If you don't, no one can or should force you.

Really, I will never understand why NTs accuse US of having no empathy. Do those people even understand that word?
 
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