Fantasy meltdowns?

[DogwoodTree]

Strange question...do you ever fantasize about having a meltdown?

I know meltdowns are listed as one of the common traits for aspies, but growing up in the situation I did, emotional expression of any kind simply wasn't safe. So I learned early to "stuff" emotions and pretend I didn't have any. I compensated by fantasizing about expressing emotions, especially in really dramatic ways. So now, even as an adult, I have a really hard time showing any emotions. BUT I still fantasize about being able to show what I feel inside...and that overinflates my expectations for social interactions...then when I'm not able to be "real" like that with people...I beat myself up for being such a fake.

Whatever the mixture between my history or my genetic wiring...it's just too hard to trust people with raw expressions of emotion. Even if I do manage to get a feeling to the surface, it seems like I'm faking it just to get attention. It's hard to be real when I don't even know what's real inside me!

 

[Turk]

You are not alone in this thought process. I hate disappointing people, so I offer up what I think is needed. It's not me, just something to pass as normal, while not drawing too much attention to myself. Sometimes the frustration of not knowing what or who I am are the trigger for a meltdown. It's like all the emotions I've hidden from the world, finding a portal into my head, at the same time. I totally understand your trust issues, as many of us have them. Unfortunately, as in my case, the cost of this behaviour, is an identity crisis.

 

[Peace]

What you described is not being fake, it is simply identifying a goal (to have relationships), and then taking the most logical path to them. The fact that you are not choosing to exercise all of your feelings is of no consequence to these relationships. It is not like you are lying to a lover, or pretending to be a millionaire. In relationships we all have to make sacrifices, and that is all you are doing to make things more comfortable for everyone. Everybody does this. You do not ask the owner of your company to go out and party, and you do not address your best friend as sir or ma'am.
What is real inside of you IS what you feel. It may change at a moments notice, or may never change, we are all different. Most of us do not have an accurate perception of how other people perceive us. That is just something we have to learn to live with.
Knowing what you want is a different story all together. This will change also, and you may not know what it is right now. Don't worry though, you have the rest of your life to figure it out. Enjoy the ride!