Hi, my 8-year old daughter was just diagnosed with Asperger's. She already had a diagnosis of ADHD, OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I am here to learn from you how I can help her be the best person she can be. My first question is: what do you wish your parents did differently that would have helped you the most?
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Father of an Aspie
- Thread starter ConcernedDad
- Start date
midlife aspie
Well-Known Member
My answer: They could have tried to be understanding, loving, and encouraging. They could at least have tried to determine whether or not I had a real problem. Instead, they were judgmental, demeaning, harsh, dismissive, ignorant, distant, and uncaring. If the opposites of things apply to you, then your daughter is in good hands!
I'm so sorry your parents were so harsh with you. Your post makes me want to cry. I hope my daughter knows how much we love her, we do try to show our love every day, and we give her every type of therapy that we think would help her.
Welcome to A.C.
ConcernedDad , what kind of computer are you using to write these posts? (It's a relevant question.)
Also relevant, do you know how to ride a bicycle?
ConcernedDad , what kind of computer are you using to write these posts? (It's a relevant question.)
Also relevant, do you know how to ride a bicycle?
Your daughter is off to an excellent start! Firstly, she has an official diagnosis. This will enable you and her school (and later, her) to put supports in place. She also has a wonderful Dad who wants to do the very best he can for her. From here on out, it can only get better for her. She is loved and understood-- or at least you are here seeking understanding. That is huge! See if you can find The Arc in your state, if you are in USA. They give parent support, plus help young Aspies learn social skills, and get accommodations needed in school and someday at work. Best wishes, amd welcome to AC! 
midlife aspie
Well-Known Member
I would say you are great parents already. Your daughter is lucky to be yours and TBH, YOU may well be the best 'therapy' she could ever get! Just remember that what we do or don't do as parents will be reflected in our children, so I bite my tongue whenever my mother's voice wants to escape my lips, because I know better.
Yes, I know how to ride a bicycle, but I haven't ridden in a long time. I tried to teach my daughter to ride, but she is not able to yet, she is too nervous to take off the training wheels.
I was asking for a different reason (that was related to the computer question).
Oh sorry, forgot to answer the computer part. I am on a Dell Laptop.
Have you ever used a Mac?
Yes, a long time ago.
Guppyfry
Well-Known Member
Hi Concerned Dad - I think that as you are concerned, and are reaching out for help and advice, your daughter will be just fine! I didn't have the greatest parents either - both had emotional issues (my father probably has AS himself), they self medicated, etc - - - but I think one of the biggest things you can do for her is let her be her, and validate her unique sensory experiences.
Validate her experience: Her perception of the physical world is different than yours. When I was a child, my observations and complaints (light is too bright, the water is too hot, the sun hurts my eyes, not understanding people talking on the phone, being soaped down when being given a bath hurt - it felt rough, etc), were constantly dismissed - in less than kind words, I was always being told that I didn't know what I was talking about. This constant negative feedback about what I was thinking/sensing caused me to doubt reality, and to loose confidence in my ability to perceive this reality. I learned to say the right things and to deny my sense of self, which as an adult led to an emotional collapse.
I don't know if I had these things happen when I was a child, but as an adult, when under heavy stress or when very tired, my physical senses shift: Colors change, language becomes incomprehensible, my sense of smell takes a vacation, I see flickering lights were no one else sees them, etc. I have trouble seeing parts as a whole. For example, I'll see a bicycle, but not: I'll see two tires, and know they are bicycle tires, the seat and know it is a bicycle seat, the handles and know they are bicycle handles, but when looking at the whole, I will not recognize the parts as a bicycle.
You may not be able to change the world to make it comfortable for your daughter, but validating and acknowledging her experiences is important to teach her to trust in herself, and understand the world she lives in.
Validate her experience: Her perception of the physical world is different than yours. When I was a child, my observations and complaints (light is too bright, the water is too hot, the sun hurts my eyes, not understanding people talking on the phone, being soaped down when being given a bath hurt - it felt rough, etc), were constantly dismissed - in less than kind words, I was always being told that I didn't know what I was talking about. This constant negative feedback about what I was thinking/sensing caused me to doubt reality, and to loose confidence in my ability to perceive this reality. I learned to say the right things and to deny my sense of self, which as an adult led to an emotional collapse.
I don't know if I had these things happen when I was a child, but as an adult, when under heavy stress or when very tired, my physical senses shift: Colors change, language becomes incomprehensible, my sense of smell takes a vacation, I see flickering lights were no one else sees them, etc. I have trouble seeing parts as a whole. For example, I'll see a bicycle, but not: I'll see two tires, and know they are bicycle tires, the seat and know it is a bicycle seat, the handles and know they are bicycle handles, but when looking at the whole, I will not recognize the parts as a bicycle.
You may not be able to change the world to make it comfortable for your daughter, but validating and acknowledging her experiences is important to teach her to trust in herself, and understand the world she lives in.
I used one once for my employer, but the differences from a PC still took some getting used to. This phenomenon is known a "habituation." It is also commonly seen in acquiring a second language (as an adult).
Here is a cool video related to the bicycle part of my question:
I am an Aspie parent of Aspies, auties & NTs, but I was still more versed in NT strategies than my own kind. (Most child rearing books are geared toward the latter.) I had to wing it for our ASDs and some with mental illnesses.
That all goes to say (as others have pointed out) that your girlie is wired differently and interfacing with her is going to be counter-intuitive --at least at first-- (unless you are on the spectrum, too).
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Thanks everyone for your supportive comments and the interesting video.
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