Father & Son Troubles

[Sypher37]

Hello.

Just looking for some advice.

I’ve had AS for most of my life and I have a 5 year old that I believe is showing the same type of symptoms as myself, despite him being a little different.

I’m really struggling to form a bond with him as I find he just stresses me out all the time. It really frustrates me because he’s such a polite and lovely boy, however, because he gets so obsessed with things he non stops talks about it.

He will tell you and ask you the same thing over and over again, literally all the time. I just find it so exhausting and I end up going very depressive.

Before bed this evening I said to him that I want to spend more time with him as I don’t feel like we’re spending much time together but his response would be something like “we spent some time together today” even though it wasn’t any kind of bonding time.

I think because he talks constantly to us all day it’s very exhausting and I just can’t cope with it. I love the evenings when me and my partner can just have a quiet chat or spend time time relaxing. As time goes on I’m just getting more and more frustrated by noise.

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop yourself from getting so annoyed by this? It’s driving me crazy because he can tell when I’m going into a funny one and it’s just not fair on him. I want him to look up to me as a parent, not be scared of saying something that will trigger my frustration.

 

[VictorR]

Sorry it sounds like you have conflicting needs with your five year old.

If you don't mind me asking, what are your current childcare and work arrangements?

I'm wondering if it may be possible to structure your time at home differently to ensure that you can get some time to take breaks and recharge from things? Perhaps you could work out some sort of schedule with your partner and/or perhaps a parenting group, or maybe look into the possibility of group activities for your children?

Just as a healthy work day involves taking breaks, we should ensure that in our non-work lives that we also have some time without commitments so you can get some rest, or otherwise engage in activities that help you recharge.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I wish I had a good answer, but I admire your attitude very much. My father was likely ASD and had an extremely low tolerance for noise and people. I wish he had your view.

I can also appreciate your own struggles. Good luck It sounds like you're on the right path, even if you feel like you don't know where you are.

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe establish a certain time everyday with a timer as "quiet time". If he gets through successfully, then a reward could be a small cup of nuts, or a small jello. You then establish it as a habit and soon it just happens with no reward. Try for an hour. Tell him it's important that you have this time for yourself, and it's important that he entertains himself at this time. My ADHD girlfriend can rattle on forever with me. Do you know if he has this?

https://www.amazon.com/Searon-Manag...hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4584070152130830&psc=1Here is a timer kids can look at and understand.

 

[1ForAll]

Some parents may have to lower their expectations for "some things" their autistic children do because of the child's delays, limitations and atypical repetitive, routine or sensory needs, if logical reasoning, some reward system, and parental diversion attempts to some other activity, and any other different type of attempts, do not ease things there.

Is it fair to the parents, regardless if they themselves are Autistic or not, that these sons and daughters can have extremely very atypical repetitive needs or demands on us that at times can cause us much stress or that are very unreasonable, even to some Autistic standards? No, and some parents obviously indeed will be overwhelmed by it, much less Autistic parents who have their own issues.

Parents will differ how they respond to such. Besides the mentioned other attempts, some will try to see if ignoring repeated excessive behaviors will help, whereas others will just try to be as patient as possible there or to give in and go with the flow with the child's need if not too unreasonable. In our case, we chose a combination of all the things, depending on the issue that was involved.

I mean, as an example, I was bored and frustrated much when one of our children wanted to keep replaying a 60 minute long educational DVD over and over again, with me sitting near him, even after I explained in detail everything happening in it through engagement. Whether it was a ritualistic need, concentration or comprehension difficulty then, or something else, I admit I often let him do it, as I saw some things as worse than that.

However, let's say that child got up in the middle of the night at 2 Am if he could not sleep and had a meltdown if we would not take him on a car ride as he loves such motion and his mind then was saying that is what he wanted us to do. I would not do that at that time, as I worried it could develop into that routine then. But, if he wanted to get out once during the day, when I rather not, most of the time I would do that as that routine I saw was reasonable or not too stressful for I, and at least I could try to spin it positively that he knew at times his requests would be met, and I would focus on him learning too when getting out.

But, overall, I admit that the least talked about thing on this forum is how difficult it is for parents whose children have many issues, but I balance that with, well it is not easy for Autistics to live in a neurotypical world either,with pressure on them to be somebody else. I just know NT parents and children will usually be able to adapt a little better than Autistic parents and children who may have their own sensory needs and triggers, rigid mindsets, executive function issues or routine needs.

In summary, we focus just on doing our best, and if that sometimes means saying 'no" and walking away if the request or action or stress gets too much, after the other attempts failed, that is better than venting at them. Parents will have to make their own decisions what to do, if logical explanation, some reward system to get into better routines, and diversion attempts to another routine go nowhere, as obviously some things cannot be changed, depending on condition severity.

It is hard to say why some repetitions occur, especially at that younger age, but in many cases it is a comfort need,if again not some concentration, comprehension and/ or cognitive issue. In any case, you are not alone. Eventually, most may grow out of those extreme ways. In the meantime, just realize the child is not doing it to annoy you, in most all such cases, and so hopefully you soon find something currently to do to better those type of situations.

 

[Magna]

A few opinions based on my experience as an autistic father of children, one of whom is autistic as well:

He won't be this age forever even if it seems like it. In my opinion that age is too young to try to get him to be mindful of when he's obsessing or fixating on talking about his "special interests". While I don't believe you should refrain from saying ANYTHING and instead let him solidify has one-track mindedness, I also think it was be damaging in the long run to take a hard-line approach and in essence tell him to stop talking, only talk about other things, etc. I would recommend you check out AANE.ORG (Autism Aspergers Network). They're a superb organization with a wealth of information and even better, they offer a free no obligation 30 minute phone consult with an autism specialist to ask about anything autism related.

My concern if I was in your situation is two-fold: 1) Not saying something that will stifle his feeling of safety to be able to freely communicate. 2) Not address the situation at all and let him continue in the exact same way to a point that when he grows up he's clueless about the need to temper his communication desires with a respect for others.

What I meant by: "He won't be this age forever even if it seems like it." is that difficult periods in parenting when you're in them can seem frustrating, tiring, etc and one can have a feeling that it will never end. Kids often go through phases that are either completely temporary or something that's intense at one point can change and lessen later on.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I raised two boys. 27 and 29 now. Both successful in their engineering careers. Very proud of them. I would like to think I may have had something to do with it, perhaps instilling a sense of responsibility, duty, to be the "sheepdog" that protects the sheep from the wolves, to be financially responsible, to be informed, respectful of others, to stand your ground, to be a good man, etc. I hope.

As was sort of my role, I was the person they went to when it came to play and building things. We built wooden train sets when they were little, then electric trains, Legos, then robotics, and computers. We worked on cars, they learned how to use the tools, etc.

My wife and I understood the importance of learning life skills early, when they were small children, because when kids are little, they want to learn and it's fun. Once they get to be teens, it comes with some degree of resistance. They learned to use all the household appliances, they had chores, make a family meal once a week, use the outdoor power tools, do automotive maintenance, etc. We never held them back and they took right to it, even at ages where most parents would argue they were too young, but we had a wonderful experience. A lesson I learned early, as well, when I was a small child. My parents raised me to be independent with life skills. I just passed that on to my children.

My wife was the nurturer, the person they went to for hugs, kisses, and comfort. My wife was more the one who did the disciplining, but I was the one the boys had a healthy fear of. I was "plan B", and the boys knew that "plan B" was never good for them. I was more the quiet, stoic type that when they acted up and my wife had had enough, I stepped in and shut it down quick. I rarely had to raise my voice, but if I stood up, they sat down. They knew, and even told their friends, "Dad doesn't threaten. He does." I think I gained their respect.

Looking back, I am thinking the most rewarding times I spent with my boys was when we were quietly building things together, teaching a new skill, and sharing the experience.

If your little guy is excited about his special interest and is reaching out to you to share, if you want to get him to quiet down, engage him in it by sharing the experience with him, and perhaps turning it into an opportunity to teach. Once you two are locked into a moment, he will likely settle down and you can instill your knowledge and wisdom on whatever topic he seems interested in.

 

[AspieChris]

I feel your pain. I’m 50 years old with a 13 year old son. Both of us are heavily on the spectrum.

It totally sucks, but in order to be a truly good parent…. kids need to come first. What I found worked is this:
My son got into dinosaurs… a LOT. It’s all he talked about when he was about 5 years old and it lasted for about 2 years I think. If I never hear another dino-fact it will be too soon. So we got a membership to the natural history museum and we would go a couple of times every month. I absolutely hate crowds, so I’d take a vacation day every couple of weeks and we could go on a Tuesday morning and almost have the place to ourselves. He could get his fill of dinosaurs and I could go somewhere quiet. I would definitely rather use my day for me, but parenting means sacrifice.

We have memberships to the Zoo, Aquarium, Museum, etc. We’re not far from the beach, so that was a great one too. It’s all a great opportunity to fill his desires all of the way to the top without dragging myself through hell to do it. I just couldn’t handle crowds so we always go during the week.

And homeschool, homeschool, homeschool. Don’t get involved with any public school program at all if you can avoid it. Once he knows how to read he will likely teach himself everything in due time. Immersed in dinosaurs for a year, math later, politics at some point. It won’t follow any standard pattern but his obsessive behavior will likely end up helping him learn more than an NT child his age. And fortunately my wife doesn’t work, so trips like that could be done even if I couldn’t go.

We put a desktop computer in our kitchen such that the screen was plainly visible from the living room. Eventually we also got him an IPad. He was specifically instructed to ONLY visit websites that we had approved in advance. Most children on the spectrum are very honest and it was never a problem. But there’s soooo much information available on the internet that he could just immerse himself in whatever topic he felt like. And zero social media…. not even once.

 

[Aspychata]

Wow, excellent well explained and thoughtful responses. Finally making sure your son has plenty of physical exercise. My daughter did martial arts, ice skating, playgrounds, gymnastics, trampoline, skating, skate boards, swimming. Music lessons are important too. My daughter had very repetitive habits. She watched the wizard of Oz like 30 times for the entire day as a toddler. I was fine with it, as she was in the guest bedroom enjoying herself. She was a gamer for a certain phase of her life. I didn't have restrictions on that either. She now has been accepted for graduate studies. So they do change, mature, and become adults. So just see this a temporary point on the wheel of life, and at some point, you won't be able to get them out if their room. In my case, l had to insist she get her driver's license, then on her own, she started working. We didn't say anything to her.

 

[1ofakind]

I don't know your son's capabilities, but I wonder if you could redirect his behavior when you are overloaded? For example, buy him a child's tape recorder and he can make recordings or drawings to share with you at a specific, special time each day. The specially marked clock suggestion from AspyChata could assist with this too. Help him learn/know when you need your time to concentrate or relax. For example, when you are in an office room concentrating or wearing headphones. But reassure him that you look forward to your scheduled time with him. Praise him liberally when you see him trying to do what you asked. Make that time special just for the two of you. During your scheduled time be sure to attentively ask him about his recordings, drawings, thoughts. The more consistent of a schedule, the better for children. Hope this helps. Wishing you and your son the best.

 

[Sypher37]

I raised two boys. 27 and 29 now. Both successful in their engineering careers. Very proud of them. I would like to think I may have had something to do with it, perhaps instilling a sense of responsibility, duty, to be the "sheepdog" that protects the sheep from the wolves, to be financially responsible, to be informed, respectful of others, to stand your ground, to be a good man, etc. I hope.

As was sort of my role, I was the person they went to when it came to play and building things. We built wooden train sets when they were little, then electric trains, Legos, then robotics, and computers. We worked on cars, they learned how to use the tools, etc.

My wife and I understood the importance of learning life skills early, when they were small children, because when kids are little, they want to learn and it's fun. Once they get to be teens, it comes with some degree of resistance. They learned to use all the household appliances, they had chores, make a family meal once a week, use the outdoor power tools, do automotive maintenance, etc. We never held them back and they took right to it, even at ages where most parents would argue they were too young, but we had a wonderful experience. A lesson I learned early, as well, when I was a small child. My parents raised me to be independent with life skills. I just passed that on to my children.

My wife was the nurturer, the person they went to for hugs, kisses, and comfort. My wife was more the one who did the disciplining, but I was the one the boys had a healthy fear of. I was "plan B", and the boys knew that "plan B" was never good for them. I was more the quiet, stoic type that when they acted up and my wife had had enough, I stepped in and shut it down quick. I rarely had to raise my voice, but if I stood up, they sat down. They knew, and even told their friends, "Dad doesn't threaten. He does." I think I gained their respect.

Looking back, I am thinking the most rewarding times I spent with my boys was when we were quietly building things together, teaching a new skill, and sharing the experience.

If your little guy is excited about his special interest and is reaching out to you to share, if you want to get him to quiet down, engage him in it by sharing the experience with him, and perhaps turning it into an opportunity to teach. Once you two are locked into a moment, he will likely settle down and you can instill your knowledge and wisdom on whatever topic he seems interested in.

Sounds like your boys had a very good upbringing and I admire your ways.

The problem I have is with this day and age, kids get obsessed with things that you can not really engage with. I love the outdoors, I love caving, wooded walks, the beach etc, however, with my 5 year old, all he wants to do is go on his tablet. We limit this each and every day so he can try and get involved in things with us, but he will get extremely frustrated if he can not go on it.
I would love to engage with him and do things, but its very difficult to when he wants to play a certain game on there. I play it with him every now and again when he asks, but i just wish there was other interests.

I have tried numerous things to get him to adapt his interests, but fail every time.

I know technology can be useful, especially for Autistic children, but this day and age they obsess over the screen.