Fear of an entire gender - how do you beat that?

[Gritches]

Hello everyone,

I had a breakout therapy session yesterday. My therapist, who is truly a guru, helped me resolve one problem (years of paranoia apparently caused by latent guilt) but she helped me identify another. Let me explain:

My workplace is strictly first-name basis. That's kind of a pain in the ass when you have a common first name. A page came over the intercom for one of such people who share my first name. I knew the page wasn't for me, but for some reason I panicked and felt like I was in imminent danger.

I immediately brought this to a very supportive coworker, and with barely any information to go on she said something so incredibly true that it was shocking: she said "it was because a man said your name, wasn't it?" As it turns out, she was right.

As elucidated later that day by my therapist, I indeed do have a distrust for, and thus more deeply a fear of, other men. It's why I'm so aggressive and guarded in my interactions with other men, and thus probably the reason I tend to only get along with women, with whom I have no problems communicating whatsoever.

But that leaves me with a short laundry list yet a very tall order: how in God's name am I supposed to get over a fear of my own gender (I'm a heterosexual adult male)? Constant hostility with other men is all I really know; I almost got gangster on this really nice dude the other day because he repeated the last part of what I said to him, and I immediately assumed he was mocking me. I would not have made the same assumption in the same situation with a woman, at all. That's the difference.

I mean, I've worked out that it's because cruelty in my life has tended to come from men while kindness has tended to come from women. The question is how I go about getting over this unacceptable problem; is it a forgiveness thing? Or a letting go thing? Or a perspective thing? A grounding thing? I've gotten over specific fears, but this one is about as general as it gets. But I know fear of an entire gender isn't horribly uncommon, so there must be a fairly palatable solution.

Anything helps, any input is appreciated.

 

[Gracey]

Is it an entire gender?

Is it that generalised?

All men in any situations?
All tones of voice?
All manner of appearance?


I am on the defensive when I hear a certain timbre of voice in men.
I still haven’t figured out exactly why this is.
(And I tend to work along side men far better than I do women)
?

Well done on the work you’ve put in to be aware of your fear

 

[AO1501]

Aspie male too, but I didn't experience the exclusive male hostility since my mother was in the mix too for me, but I know this, really clearly.

I too am very guarded and closed in my dealings with other male figures, because these were the primary and constant sources of abuse, particularly assertive male voices, because it was assertive male voices I associate with the abuse.

For me it was a 'letting go thing', but only after a lifetime of picking strong, assertive, male-type partners who were almost as damaging as the originals.

I realised that I am better than that, and them. That these are not the people who I can allow to define me. I stepped away from that history because I knew it was no longer me, but it is not easy to discard the damage done to us by ignorance.

 

[the_tortoise]

Try to hang out with some nice guys to build positive associations around the traumatic ones? That's really all I can think of.

 

[Metalhead]

There is no easy fix for that. But it can be overcome.

I used to be terrified of women, since the vast majority of sexual abuse I lived through was at the hands of females. It would get to the point where I left 12-step meetings before they started if there was a woman in the room.

This took some time in intensive cognitive behavioral therapy for me to catch on to the fact that most women have absolutely nothing in common with those who commit such abhorrent acts. I still slip back into flight mode sometimes, but it happens a million times less often than it used to. And also knowing that men can be every bit as perverse led me to realize how unfair my view of that situation was.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Sounds like you need to experience kindness and caring from some men. I wonder if your therapist is going to recommend you see an older male therapist to help overcome this issue. If she and he work together it might be just what you need. Just an initial thought in reaction to your question.

 

[Streetwise]

i fear younger men !not most!elderly men ,i just try to move away from them as fast as possible , this thread is confronting mine comes from seeing the physical and psychological abuse of family members .

 

[Suzanne]

I shouldn't laugh, but I have it with my own sex. There is a certain type of personality from a woman and the way she looks, that makes me want to run and hide in a hole, until she has gone. Also feel horrible around tall women.

If I see a group of teen girls together, even today, as an adult, I will feel my heart start to beat faster and want to run in the opposite direction.

You would never see me in the ladies toilets, looking in the mirror and tidying up the hair. Nope, I zip in and zip out again and have a hand santizer in place of the embarrassment of washing my hands in front of other females.

It is a sense of inferiority complex and know that a certain type of female are very competitive and it scares the wits out of me.

 

[wight]

I mean, I've worked out that it's because cruelty in my life has tended to come from men while kindness has tended to come from women. The question is how I go about getting over this unacceptable problem; is it a forgiveness thing? Or a letting go thing? Or a perspective thing? A grounding thing? I've gotten over specific fears, but this one is about as general as it gets. But I know fear of an entire gender isn't horribly uncommon, so there must be a fairly palatable solution.

Things to help, suggestions, or what have you:

1) The thing with the intercom. A male voice with "authority". Panic.
2) The guy repeating what you said. Feeling taunted.
These are the two examples you gave and both are specific examples of things that may be reminders/triggers of past trauma.

I think, if you really think about it, you can identify more of these specific things. Put a bunch of these together and your brain goes, "all men are to be feared", as a self-protection mechanism. Undoing this kind of generalized anxiety/fear is a struggle.

Here are some things that I have found helped me:
1) Think about specific instances in the past, and then think through the exact order of events and the people involved. Analyze whether they was a real threat or a perceived one. This will help you with the next item.
2) When you encounter a situation, you need to do the above... real threat or perceived?
3) Ask your therapist to help you develop some self-soothing techniques to calm your emotional reaction to perceived threats. (at least you have help on this one, I had to figure it out on my own)
4) Find online or buy a "guided mediation" for creating a mental "safe space". Use it, every day, until summoning the image in your mind brings with it the sense of calm and peace, even without the full mediation.

 

[Progster]

That you now realise what the trigger for these issues is, is a huge step forward. Perhaps you can now rationalise your fear or 'fight or fright' reaction, and tell yourself that the danger is imagined and not real. I know that you cannot simply say to a person who has such trauma, "don't be afraid" and then expect it all to go away, but it might help you cope better with situations in which you are out of your comfort zone, if you can reason with yourself and tell yourself that there is not real danger, knowing what the trigger is.

 

[WereBear]

If it were me, I would start with finding some male figures on Youtube that are safe and friendly. Like Mr. Rogers! He reached out to small children, so he's quite non-threatening. Find a vlogger who shares an interest and a welcoming persona. Clips of a favorite male actor doing nice things

This is totally you-controlled interactions. You don't need to leave comments... in fact, I'd avoid the comments, it's a pit of whiny entitlement. But just enjoy something that will become more and more a replacement for all the bad connections in your head, overriding them with good experiences.

I see this as a way of retraining your brain that is cheap and low risk. Then you can be more comfortable to reach out in RL.

 

[Chance]

Hello everyone,

I had a breakout therapy session yesterday. My therapist, who is truly a guru, helped me resolve one problem (years of paranoia apparently caused by latent guilt) but she helped me identify another. Let me explain:

My workplace is strictly first-name basis. That's kind of a pain in the ass when you have a common first name. A page came over the intercom for one of such people who share my first name. I knew the page wasn't for me, but for some reason I panicked and felt like I was in imminent danger.

I immediately brought this to a very supportive coworker, and with barely any information to go on she said something so incredibly true that it was shocking: she said "it was because a man said your name, wasn't it?" As it turns out, she was right.

As elucidated later that day by my therapist, I indeed do have a distrust for, and thus more deeply a fear of, other men. It's why I'm so aggressive and guarded in my interactions with other men, and thus probably the reason I tend to only get along with women, with whom I have no problems communicating whatsoever.

But that leaves me with a short laundry list yet a very tall order: how in God's name am I supposed to get over a fear of my own gender (I'm a heterosexual adult male)? Constant hostility with other men is all I really know; I almost got gangster on this really nice dude the other day because he repeated the last part of what I said to him, and I immediately assumed he was mocking me. I would not have made the same assumption in the same situation with a woman, at all. That's the difference.

I mean, I've worked out that it's because cruelty in my life has tended to come from men while kindness has tended to come from women. The question is how I go about getting over this unacceptable problem; is it a forgiveness thing? Or a letting go thing? Or a perspective thing? A grounding thing? I've gotten over specific fears, but this one is about as general as it gets. But I know fear of an entire gender isn't horribly uncommon, so there must be a fairly palatable solution.

Anything helps, any input is appreciated.

Well you now KNOW something you haven't noticed before.
What are you gonna do with what you just learned? : )

I lived most of my life not trusting men or women... I actually started not trusting anyone who tried to be kind to me BECAUSE of the perpetual abuse that had came from that since I was born... The beat, hate, and then feel guilty and love me back to life, turned into a deep hate for mostly anyone... Not counting some other stuff that was just so wrong no matter who it is...

However I did have to notice that other people always took me and helped me... Most of them were always older (my grams, gramps, and 1 aunt) That was all I had in life to TRUST... My Grandparents died suddenly and unexpectedly, and it crushed my very small world, but at least at that point I was grown.

My Aunt was in Colo. battling her own situations with an abusive husband (my uncle)... So I was sort of forced to start trying to trust people (by myself) and I found I couldn't so I got help like you did... and the truth is there are TRULY GOOD PEOPLE out there of both genders...

I finally noticed it was MY NOT TRUSTING OTHERS that other people were picking up on (from me)...
My Counselor noticed this first thing with me... He was basically an ass to me to show me how I was being an ass to other people (in a teachable example).

I was the guy someone would try and talk too, and if they triggered ANYTHING in me I would just walk off and leave them talking... My distrust made me a full blown jerk...

I finally got past MYSELF and my hurt, and found there are some really kind people out there...
If we dont give LIFE a chance, we don't live a full LIFE.

I hope you can find a way back to trusting, and yes, people will betray that trust, but its just how it is and I REMEMBER not everyone is like that. : )

 

[Gritches]

Wow, what an excellent host of responses, I started trying to respond to each of you individually but before long I realized I had one huge wall of text and that wasn't going to work out.

I've identified a lot of the "what"s and "why"s here, so I'll spare everyone's eyes the wall of text and just say that I now have a game plan to bring to my therapist, whereas I did not before. Your posts have helped me identify the different facets of this issue, how it gets more specific, how much more specific it gets, possible solutions, the whole 9 yards; this was a good example of a team effort. I got exactly what I wanted, and then some.

Thank you all