Fear of Humans preventing me from making friends

[Joel I]

After a long and violent past I have isolated myself for protection. Unfortunately I have lost the ability to meet people and make friends along the way. Now I'm in my mid-thirties and feeling lonely, a recently acquired emotion. I've been told by my psychiatrist and psychologist that I should join groups around the Gold Coast, where I live, to meet people in order to make friends. I have looked into it and am unable to join groups as I'm extremely anxious about meeting strangers. I have no idea how to address this problem and just want to curl up into a ball and ignore the world.

 

[Joel I]

Queensland, Australia near Brisbane

 

[Fino]

I have the same fear and have managed to make a small number of kind friends, but they often want to involve me with other friends so it's not just us and that's terrifying.

 

[Nauti]

You might get on with my son. He's a bit younger than you though, still, he's a very a gentle man. We live beneath the Gold Coast, but he wants to move closer to it. He's just starting out in his adult life and has been training for a career in hair. He's quite shy and quiet but very intelligent and sweet. I don't know how you feel about being friends with younger men, but he's nearly 21. His best friend has moved to Brisbane and he might be moving in with him at some stage.

 

[Joel I]

Thanks being extremely shy and scared of meeting new people we can find out. I've never really meshed well with my own age group.

 

[Progster]

This advice doesn't really help. They mean well, but if you have social anxiety, it's never as easy and simple as just going along to a club and making friends. I could never go to a club full of strangers on my own. Even most NTs would find this hard. I need to have someone along with me, to act as a social buffer, that's the only way I could ever do it. I think that joining an online club, meeting and talking to a couple of members online and perhaps later going to an event, where you at least know and met a couple of people online would be better, perhaps doable.

 

[Nauti]

Just from what I've read of you and the look of you, I had a feeling you guys might click. He's had a pretty insular life in some ways and although he has 5 brothers and his best friend is also kind of a step brother, he gets on with his sisters and I better than guys in general, as he's pretty in touch with his feminine side. I adore him, he's probably an Aspie, he and I think it very likely, and he also identifies as "non- binary" because he's not a blokey bloke. I told him "you can be whatever kind of guy you want to be". He was a bit scared of coming out, but all his family have accepted him as he is and he's so much more confident and happy being himself since he came out and figured out what he wanted to do.

 

[SameStars]

I actually go to meet-ups, there is an app for it by that name. I still get anxious at times before I go, but I made myself attend such activities, since I needed to practice and step out of my comfort zone. While I didn't really make friends (acquaintances at best), I do have good memories about the activities and I feel less alone at times.

 

[Joel I]

I actually go to meet-ups, there is an app for it by that name. I still get anxious at times before I go, but I made myself attend such activities, since I needed to practice and step out of my comfort zone. While I didn't really make friends (acquaintances at best), I do have good memories about the activities and I feel less alone at times.

I was recommended that app and had a look but I’m still to scared to attend an event. I don’t trust strangers as I’ve survived attempts on my life by those who should have been trusted, my parents.

 

[Monachopia]

"Making friends" ... such an interesting concept. Like yourself I'm in my 30's, but this ... friend thing is a thing I don't know how to do. I've tried to get close to people in the past, in one way or another, but I always sense that they think I'm weird, so I gave up. I don't know if I'm shy as such - or it's the autistic and social phobia side that's preventing me from joking around or talking or acting like other people.

I'm sorry, I'm not much help. I understand your fear of meeting strangers, I really do. But, I guess hobby orientated meetups is a possible way to do it. Once I have some time in the summer I'll have a look into life-drawing classes... I think a gathering with a hobby interest might detract from the "everyone's a stranger" fear. There's less pressure to engage, so you can indulge in your interest and there will be a topic you can talk about if you want to. My sister is quite similar in some regard and she does Archery where she can choose whether to talk to people or not. She mentioned there's an autistic man there who doesn't know how to make friends, but he's getting out there and giving it a go. She's friendly with him and they've both established that both are on the ASD spectrum so it's less pressure.

What I'm trying to say is, specialised clubs with specific niche interests might actually yield people like yourself. Maybe tabletop gaming - my partner (the ONLY friend I have in the entire world) while he's strongly an NT he notes there's many people who are a little awkward, but they fit in well as many are like them there. Find what you enjoy and seek like-minded people for hobby-orientated meetups or just attend a club for something, on a regular basis where there is less pressure to interact. That's all I can say.

 

[Shamar]

After a long and violent past I have isolated myself for protection. Unfortunately I have lost the ability to meet people and make friends along the way. Now I'm in my mid-thirties and feeling lonely, a recently acquired emotion. I've been told by my psychiatrist and psychologist that I should join groups around the Gold Coast, where I live, to meet people in order to make friends. I have looked into it and am unable to join groups as I'm extremely anxious about meeting strangers. I have no idea how to address this problem and just want to curl up into a ball and ignore the world.

Once again, I must repeat myself (but it bears repeating here): telling an aspie to "just go out and make friends" is like telling a paraplegic "just stand up and put one foot in front of the other." Neither will work. Yes, it seems strange to the NTs of the world, but we are unable to make friends like they can. It is a reality nobody likes, but still a reality.

Gold Coast is nice, but I like further north, around Townesville. Brisbane is too much a clone of Miami to suit me.

 

[Anya^]

Same age. Same problems.
Every time i find some courage to go out and try to make friends never works out. At the moment i am curling up into a ball and ignoring the world (except this forum).

 

[tducey]

I like people, don't want to be around them all the time but I don't mind them.

 

[paloftoon]

Only attend events in public areas. If someone tries to push you to go to someone's home, make up an excuse to protect yourself. Also, you can tell the person it's nothing personal, but I'm just not able to meet at one's home if it gets to that. Sure, you can't and don't have to trust people, and that part is okay. But not trusting to the point that you can't show up isn't healthy either. Definitely try to go with someone you can trust- this can help a lot too.

 

[paloftoon]

Also, if bad things happen, they are NOT your fault.
Remember, it's all about dealing with situations as they come.
That is not under our control.
How we carry ourselves and how we think IS under our control.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I am not afraid of people but I have a really bad triggered meltdown search my post history if you want to know more. So it is almost impossible to make friends or even keep them. I can tell them about my AS but not that.

 

[paloftoon]

I am not afraid of people but I have a really bad triggered meltdown search my post history if you want to know more. So it is almost impossible to make friends or even keep them. I can tell them about my AS but not that.

Based on the posts and vibe I get from you, I do think it would benefit you to be open about your diagnosis early on. I like your self-awareness about your triggers. People that don't know you or your intentions might be fearful of their physical safety and don't want to execute the emotional energy. Arguably, this would be reasonable given specifics and context of the situation.

If you need help figuring out how to monitor those triggers at this point, definitely continue to say some specifics on here and ask for suggestions. Also, if feasible, seek therapeutic help.
Once you can monitor these triggers on your own and at least know how to express yourself so that you don't do certain things in front of others whom don't know you, it will make you more confident and you're more likely to attract a building of platonic friendship.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Agree still can't believe the last friends I had a meltdown and they understood or maybe they did not really that is why they abandoned me but not right away.

 

[paloftoon]

Agree still can't believe the last friends I had a meltdown and they understood or maybe they did not really that is why they abandoned me but not right away.

Some of them may've understood it and didn't want to deal with it.
Some of them may not have understood it and got scared off.
In either case, I am sorry to hear about your experiences.
Work on building your social character knowledge and physicality up and you can be a more attractive person to yourself ultimately and indirectly to others that you will meet.