Fear: phonecalls, forms, and bureaucracy

[PrinceOfFreaks]

I am very high functioning in terms of the autism spectrum. I have 10+ years experience working customer service jobs. I can take care of house chores, am disciplined in my diet and exercise, and independent enough that 99.99% of people would never suspect I have autism. I also have PTSD/CPTSD from an extended near death experience being caught in the bureaucratic nightmare of the American medical system, which probably contributes to my emotional response

I am normally incredibly thick-skinned and stoic. This facade/mask all falls away as soon as I have to deal with an organization with confusing, complicated rules. I absolutely crumble, and don't know how to get past it either emotionally or logistically

I cannot renew my driver's license because it expired, and i don't have another gov't ID with photo. It took me months to gather the courage to go the DMV in person, and when i got there with my forms and ID meticulously organized according to the online info, the lady at the counter acted baffled, and told me this was the wrong stuff, and I could not use my expired ID as proof of anything, despite the fact I've heard otherwise. I don't know if she was even right, but I'm too scared/overwhelmed and I've completely given up. I don't want to go back and have the same experience and walk away feeling even more useless

That is just the one most prominent example. I also can't find a therapist because the last 2 had electronic forms that didn't seem to work with either my phone or PC, and I missed a couple emails, felt horribly guilty, and gave up on weeks of work searching for them in the first place

I have a girlfriend who is a miracle; she's supportive and helpful, but I can't make her my secretary, or my mom.

How do I not get overwhelmed? Are there resources for people who are very high functioning in most areas? How do I learn and practice without just becoming reliant on help?

 

[Raggamuffin]

Exposure therapy might work. It worked for me in various ways - but you have to ride the wave, and in the early days it's at it's most intense. So, if you have the resolve to repeatedly expose yourself to what triggers you the most - eventually your brain rationalises the fears as illogical etc.

It's how I overcame my agoraphobia. Going from panic attacks and crippling pains and symptoms whenever I leave the house, to being able to go to new and old places alike without any of the above.

At the end of the day, adult life and modern society has various expectations for us. A lot of them can be triggering to us - but avoiding the situations entirely is of no help to anyone.

I'd recommend having a second person with you if you do initially try your own form of exposure therapy - as it does take time to acclimate, and it's nice to have someone there for company, and to also distract your attention from your fears and anxieties.

Ed

 

[Magna]

I'm sorry you're having those troubles, @PrinceOfFreaks You're not alone.

I too have been in customer service for many years and have had decades of experience talking on the phone in that capacity. A dream of mine has been filling a much needed demand for being an advocate for fellow autistic people who can't or have serious difficulty with communicating and performing in the ways you describe. I would love to have a service, similar to a TTY/TDD service for the deaf where an advocate could be on the same call and be the communicator for an autistic person either on the phone or in public. When I say it's a "dream" of mine, I don't mean that I've pursued turning it into reality; I just know it's in demand and that the idea would serve a valuable and important purpose and I wish, like you, that something like that existed for us.

 

[Streetwise]

I am a very high functioning person in terms of the autism spectrum. I have 10+ years experience working various customer service jobs. I can take care of house chores, am disciplined in my diet and exercise, and and generally self reliant and independent, to the point where 99.99% of people would never suspect I have autism. I also have PTSD/CPTSD from an extended near death experience being caught in the bureaucratic nightmare of the American medical system, which probably contributes to my emotional response

I am normally incredibly thick-skinned and stoic. This facade/mask all falls away as soon as I have to deal with an organization with confusing, complicated rules. I absolutely crumble, and turn into a 10 year old in terms of problem solving. I get overwhelmed and give up, which is leading to escalating consequences.

I cannot renew my driver's license because it expired, and i don't have another gov't ID with photo. It took me months to gather the courage to go the DMV in person, and when i got there with my forms and ID meticulously organized according to the online info, the lady at the counter acted baffled, and told me this was all the wrong stuff, and I could not use my expired ID as proof of anything, despite the fact I've heard otherwise multiple places. I don't know if she was even right, but I'm too scared/overwhelmed and I've completely given up. I don't want to go back and have the same experience and walk away feeling even more useless

That is just the one most prominent example. I also can't find a therapist because the last 2 had electronic forms that didn't seem to work with either my phone or PC, and I missed a couple emails, felt horribly guilty, and gave up on weeks of work searching for them in the first place

I have a girlfriend who is a miracle; supportive and helpful, but I can't make her my secretary, or my mom.

How do I not get overwhelmed? Are there resources for people who are very high functioning in most areas? How do I learn and practice without just becoming reliant on help?

See if you can find an autism advocate charity in the USA?we have a version in the UK to deal with the DWP (dept work and pensions).
Start asking for help ,don't end up alone its not nice,tell the DMV you have autistic neurology (tell them ,show them what high functioning autism is)keep trying ^-^

 

[Pats]

I am very high functioning in terms of the autism spectrum. I have 10+ years experience working customer service jobs. I can take care of house chores, am disciplined in my diet and exercise, and independent enough that 99.99% of people would never suspect I have autism. I also have PTSD/CPTSD from an extended near death experience being caught in the bureaucratic nightmare of the American medical system, which probably contributes to my emotional response

I am normally incredibly thick-skinned and stoic. This facade/mask all falls away as soon as I have to deal with an organization with confusing, complicated rules. I absolutely crumble, and don't know how to get past it either emotionally or logistically

I cannot renew my driver's license because it expired, and i don't have another gov't ID with photo. It took me months to gather the courage to go the DMV in person, and when i got there with my forms and ID meticulously organized according to the online info, the lady at the counter acted baffled, and told me this was the wrong stuff, and I could not use my expired ID as proof of anything, despite the fact I've heard otherwise. I don't know if she was even right, but I'm too scared/overwhelmed and I've completely given up. I don't want to go back and have the same experience and walk away feeling even more useless

That is just the one most prominent example. I also can't find a therapist because the last 2 had electronic forms that didn't seem to work with either my phone or PC, and I missed a couple emails, felt horribly guilty, and gave up on weeks of work searching for them in the first place

I have a girlfriend who is a miracle; she's supportive and helpful, but I can't make her my secretary, or my mom.

How do I not get overwhelmed? Are there resources for people who are very high functioning in most areas? How do I learn and practice without just becoming reliant on help?

I have the same problem and it'll take me days to get up the nerve just to make a phone call to handle issues or ask a question. I find myself constantly checking the date on my drivers license because I don't want it to expire and have to go to the DMV. I love that you can do most this stuff online now (as long as it don't expire). They tell you one thing on the phone and when you get there, it's not enough - been through that so many times. It feels like they do it on purpose. Or when there's a problem and the person is just not getting what you're trying to tell them, and explaining in the simplest terms possible and they're just not listening.

I'm 64 and still have problems with those things.

 

[Judge]

On top of all the usual state requirements, the DHS's "Real ID Act" has such state bureaucrats operating on a "defcon 2" level. Making it very stressful for much of anyone just to renew a license, let alone attain "Real ID" status with all the proper identification documents required.

If you don't have all the required collateral identifications required, being autistic isn't likely going to matter. The process now is quite deliberately unforgiving. All amounting to a "game of hardball" to all who want to participate.

Example: Nevada Real ID

At least the government has delayed the Real ID Act, but they're still making it very difficult to get that seal of approval on your driver's license.

DHS Announces Extension of REAL ID Full Enforcement Deadline | Homeland Security

 

[Pats]

On top of all the usual state requirements, the DHS's "Real ID Act" has such state bureaucrats operating on a "defcon 2" level. Making it very stressful for much of anyone just to renew a license, let alone attain "Real ID" status with all the proper identification documents required.

If you don't have all the required collateral identifications required, being autistic isn't likely going to matter. The process now is quite deliberately unforgiving.

Example: Nevada Real ID

At least the government has delayed the Real ID Act, but they're still making it very difficult to get that seal of approval on your driver's license.

DHS Announces Extension of REAL ID Full Enforcement Deadline | Homeland Security

And both require the same forms to get.

 

[Judge]

And both require the same forms to get.

Tell me about it. Though last time around, I met the terms of the state, but not the federal government. Will try again in the near future for the real ID portion. Though the pandemic has thrown a monkey wrench into everything having to do with the DMV here.

 

[Owliet]

I avoid talking on the phone and filling out any forms makes me feel extremely overwhelmed. This is something that I Need to work.

 

[Matthias]

I am very high functioning in terms of the autism spectrum. I have 10+ years experience working customer service jobs. I can take care of house chores, am disciplined in my diet and exercise, and independent enough that 99.99% of people would never suspect I have autism. I also have PTSD/CPTSD from an extended near death experience being caught in the bureaucratic nightmare of the American medical system, which probably contributes to my emotional response

I am normally incredibly thick-skinned and stoic. This facade/mask all falls away as soon as I have to deal with an organization with confusing, complicated rules. I absolutely crumble, and don't know how to get past it either emotionally or logistically

I cannot renew my driver's license because it expired, and i don't have another gov't ID with photo. It took me months to gather the courage to go the DMV in person, and when i got there with my forms and ID meticulously organized according to the online info, the lady at the counter acted baffled, and told me this was the wrong stuff, and I could not use my expired ID as proof of anything, despite the fact I've heard otherwise. I don't know if she was even right, but I'm too scared/overwhelmed and I've completely given up. I don't want to go back and have the same experience and walk away feeling even more useless

That is just the one most prominent example. I also can't find a therapist because the last 2 had electronic forms that didn't seem to work with either my phone or PC, and I missed a couple emails, felt horribly guilty, and gave up on weeks of work searching for them in the first place

I have a girlfriend who is a miracle; she's supportive and helpful, but I can't make her my secretary, or my mom.

How do I not get overwhelmed? Are there resources for people who are very high functioning in most areas? How do I learn and practice without just becoming reliant on help?

The problems you described aren't genetic or caused by autism. Stress is frequently caused by abnormal emotions that result from cognitive distortions (irrational beliefs you may have even if you are a very logical person). The most effective treatment is CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which works by helping people change irrational beliefs to reduce the abnormal emotions they experience. The good news is you can teach yourself how to use it without a therapist (using books written by good therapists or websites if you can't afford them or don't have access to a library).

For example, feeling horribly guilty because you missed a couple emails is an abnormal emotion. Most people know that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes because no one is perfect so they don't experience much emotional distress when their forgetfulness causes them problems. Cognitive distortions that may result in feeling horribly guilty about forgetting something relatively unimportant such as missing a couple emails include:

Mental filter (focusing on the negatives while avoiding the positives which can result in a distorted, overly negative view of yourself or others) - In reality, you may be forgetful but you do have other good qualities.

Black and white thinking (such as seeing yourself as either good or bad, either a success or a failure) - In reality, everyone is in-between, no one is entirely successful or a total failure.

Overgeneralization (examples would be "I always forget things. I never do anything right."). A rational belief would be that you often or sometimes forget things and that you do some or many things right.

Some basic steps used in CBT:
1. When you're stressed, ask yourself what emotions you are feeling
2. Identify beliefs or thoughts that are causing your emotions
3. Check to see whether those beliefs or thoughts are a cognitive distortion (you can find lists of the 10 or 15 most common cognitive distortions online)
4. Replace distorted beliefs with rational beliefs to reduce the abnormal emotions you experience in the future

It takes some time to work but if you can get into the habit of checking in with your emotions and adjusting your beliefs to change the emotions you experience, it can greatly reduce the stress you experience and make your life much more enjoyable.

Abnormal emotions aren't always caused by irrational beliefs. They can also be triggered by past experiences such as bog bites or bad experiences at the DMV. Those emotions can be reduced and sometimes eliminated with exposure therapy although it's best to use CBT first to increase the likelihood new experiences will be more positive than they were previously.

 

[Sylas]

I have nothing useful to say, just how refreshing and validating it was for me to see someone talk about something at least tangentially similar to something I've dealt with my entire life, I just cannot stand bureaucracy in almost any form, it gives me devastating levels of anxiety specially on the phone, but I'm the one in my family circle that has to deal with the tech part of filing taxes, with complaining when the Internet company randomly hikes their rates, the home services are failing and someone has to call to complain with tech support, when anyone needs to get services approved from the healthcare provider and you need to figure out the byzantine requirements and so on because nobody else knows nothing about technology that isn't smartphones, social media or Netflix so I'm the one to deal with all that.

The only upside for me is how incredibly argumentative, sarcastic and snarky I can be and sometimes those emotions just overrun the anxiety and awkwardness and I just happily go off on them when I grow too tired of their bureaucratic incompetence.

 

[OkRad]

There is a good book you may like called, "Sludge". It explains how bureaucracies use this sludge to either keep you in a system and refuse to let you out or refuse systems to you that you may need.

And of course, in the US, all government services from foster care to jail to food stamps to Medicaid to housing, etc is all now or mostly privatized. America which claims to hate socialism is now quite ensconced in it because the companies are not private in funding. Dear no. This is no free market economy....These are a select few companies receiving huge (multi billion a year) grants.....they are government-funded "private" companies. And while the government may not "own" them.....yeah they do ----and in turn those companies lobby their arses off to get more of your tax money. Thus Sludge and more sludge, sludge for all and everyone! Sludge all day unless you are rich enough to have a secretary.

Sludge

 

[Fino]

Medication is always an option!