Feel Guilty, But Don't Want to make it worse!

[garnetflower13]

I had posted on here a few years ago, about a woman that my husband used to work for (actually her and her husband owned the business) They had all been friends for about seven years when I met my husband. They always had functions at their house for the employees and when we attended them, I was treated rudely and disrespectfully by her. She would ignore me, chat with my husband and not with me, etc. When I called his attention to it, and he saw how she was behaving, he was deeply hurt and not sure how to respond. Since we are both on the spectrum, he had been oblivious up until I asked him to pay close attention to her behavior since it was sort of subtle.

Fast forward to the present. We sold our house and moved out of state. He is always open with me with his FB account, and one day I saw that he was still friends with them both. I always got along well with her husband, who was always polite and respectful. But when I saw that she was still friends with my husband, I felt angry, and unfriended her. I felt that she didn't deserve my husband's friendship after the way she had treated me, and how she had hurt him with her behavior. Now I feel guilty about it and am afraid to say anything because I don't want to hurt him more. He thinks that she unfriended him, out of the blue. I feel awful.

 

[Judge]

Personally I think it's fundamentally wrong for much of anyone who would remain on good terms with one who had previously disrespected their own spouse.

Feel guilty if you must (I wouldn't) but you're right. Just leave it alone. Let them believe what they want as long as they don't attempt to communicate again.

 

[GadAbout]

It's wrong to give Facebook that much power.

Your husband was no doubt viewing this couple as professional contacts, which they were, and part of his professional network. Stay off your husband's Facebook page, if this is how you find yourself acting. Problem solved!

 

[tducey]

Yeah, if they're professional contacts of your husband's then you got to leave things be on this 1.

 

[Mia]

Garnet, I think you have to consider that it's 'your' anger at her treatment of you, that caused this to happen. That his relationship with the couple is different from the one in which she mistreated you. It may be that she is rude to most women who come into her sphere, that she feels threatened by. You should consider that your husband chose to remain friends with them, for his own reasons. Whatever they may be.

It might be a good idea to tell him what happened, and that you were upset. That way you'll rectify the situation in your own mind and help repair the difficulty.

 

[garnetflower13]

I guess I am afraid that he won't believe that I hadn't done other things and hidden them (which I have not; I know that if the shoe were on the other foot, I would wonder if I could trust him again.) But I am realizing what really hurts, is that he didn't unfriend her himself after she had behaved the way that she did. At first he refused to believe that she was being disrespectful; he just couldn't see it. And then when it became obvious, he still didn't speak to her. Since we were moving away, he felt that it wasn't necessary. But still he remained FB friends with her. I still need to think this through.

Thank you for the replies!

 

[Thinx]

Or you could let this go, as it seems to have lost any relevance to you or your partner now. It's good you have recognised more about why you are hurt and upset, however sometimes partners do get things wrong, as we get things wrong for them, too, and need to be cut some slack, and forgiven. He didn't get it on this one, and you could maybe put some energy into constructively thinking of how to avoid such a situation in future.

For example, let him know you have thought about how that all was, and decided that if anyone is behaving like that towards you in future, you will discuss it with him, and make a joint decision what to do.

 

[Bolletje]

I think you should fess up to what you’ve done and in the future, refrain from using your husband’s Facebook.

 

[shysnail]

I am most curious about why you were using your husband's Facebook account to begin with? Honestly, you did act unreasonably and you seem to acknowledge this, which is good. You should have spoken to your husband and said you were uncomfortable with him being friends with this woman on Facebook. It seemed like he took on board what you said last time, so why wouldn't he have done this time? It also seems a little strange to me that you are friends with this woman's husband. I get that he is a nice person, but surely a clean break where you and your husband break from this couple entirely would be simpler?

Honestly, I think the thing to do is tell your husband exactly what you've told us, that you unfriended this woman and you know it was wrong of you, and how you were feeling when you did it. He may feel his privacy has been invaded (as it has), but at least he will know. I think you may be getting ahead of yourself in thinking he's going to assume this is just the first in a long line of things you've done behind his back.

 

[paloftoon]

It is okay to ask your husband to unfriend her himself, but he has to make that decision ultimately as it is his FB account, not your FB account. Since you previously invaded that level of trust for him, I feel that kind of gives him a "pass" to keep her on as a friend. You can tell him that this "connection" bugs you (it's understandable.) Another thing you could ask of your husband is to create another FB account where she is not a friend of his- this would require a discussion, but may be worth it. Everyone's relationships are different, and what the parameters are can be very different too. There needs to be compromising whether it is both of you focus on your own lives or both of you need to be able to tolerate the others' friend(s) at least.

On a side note, I used to have a professional FB account and a personal one. It became too much work for me to navigate and keep up with both, so I opted to stop using one of them basically. And then I have a "thing" where I delete people if I don't feel like I've been able to connect with them personally enough. It's just how I use FB and makes me feel more comfortable that way because I like to post personal stuff on mine.

 

[garnetflower13]

I am most curious about why you were using your husband's Facebook account to begin with?

I did mention in my original post that he doesn't mind me going on his page and speaking to mutual friends, as I don't have a FB account and rarely use his.

It also seems a little strange to me that you are friends with this woman's husband. I get that he is a nice person, but surely a clean break where you and your husband break from this couple entirely would be simpler?

Just to clarify, I don't have Facebook account and am not friends with this woman's husband.

 

[Suzanne]

I would use what you did to ask him why he has them as friends still on facebook, since he, once brought to his notice, could see what she was doing.

Ask him how he would feel if it was the other way around?

On a side note though: is he dilligent with Facebook; does he keep up with all the goings on?

My husband has a facebook account, but rarely has anything to do with it, and thus, doesn't even know who "friends are or not".

Or, has this woman lied and said that she was not being intentional and he believes her, but figures you won't accept that and thus, doesn't tell you?

The thing is, if he is being secretive, then why is it so easy for you to use his account to unfriend her?

I suspect, he niavely believes her reasoning and figures that there is no reason to not keep in contact. But he has to realise that he is wrong on this. You are his responsibility and so, he should think how it would affect you.

 

[Gracey]

If you don't tell him about your actions and try to offer the reason why,

When he does find out (and he will eventually) he may wonder why you didn't tell him initially and what else you haven't told him about.

He had a working/friendly relationship with these people over seven years before you came along.

I understand if you see questionable aspects of this woman's behaviour toward your husband that he may be oblivious to,

Before you do anything else, ask yourself why he can't still be friends with her?
It's you she disrespects, not him.

You've chosen not to have anything to do with her.
That should be the end of your having to tolerate her.

Altering his friends list and FB account and then having him make an assumption about this woman's willingness to remain friends is deceptive. The guilt you feel being confirmation of that.
(Even if you did it for his own good)

Fess up. Take the consequences.

 

[garnetflower13]

I would use what you did to ask him why he has them as friends still on facebook, since he, once brought to his notice, could see what she was doing.

Actually, it turns out that he is only now friends with the husband.

On a side note though: is he dilligent with Facebook; does he keep up with all the goings on?

He hardly communicates with the husband, just here and there. The last incident happened over four years ago and then we moved out of state, the summer after that last Christmas party where she was so rude that we had to leave twenty minutes after arriving. He was very upset with her, and threw away her gift to him. He was deeply hurt at the way she was acting towards me, but didn't quite know what to do. He figured since we were moving away, he would just let it go.

Or, has this woman lied and said that she was not being intentional and he believes her, but figures you won't accept that and thus, doesn't tell you?

They aren't speaking anymore.

The thing is, if he is being secretive, then why is it so easy for you to use his account to unfriend her?

I don't think I said he was being secretive.

One of my reasons for taking that action, is that I was angry that she treated my husband that way - she knew that if he confronted her about those other times, that he ran the risk of being fired. She had fired other people for standing up to her. She was nothing more than a bully. She knew that she was being disrespectful towards me, and that he was shy and suffered from anxiety about confronting people. She basically embarrassed him at that last party and put him on the spot. Maybe it was wrong for me to unfriend her but he doesn't even care that she is no longer on his friends list.

 

[garnetflower13]

Well, here's an update for all of you. I did tell my husband what I had done, and he actually laughed! I am so relieved that I was honest with him and that he wasn't upset with me. Thank you all, for your input!

 

[garnetflower13]

I hope that this has helped others who might have been in similar situations.

I would like to comment on the fact that while I received many replies at the beginning of this post, but when there was a positive outcome, (due to the helpful input that was given,) I haven't received any responses at all. Are people not as interested in positive outcomes as they are with stressful situations? It took a lot of courage for me to post here and I was glad to get the input, but now that the problem has been solved, I don't get any feedback. Just curious.

 

[tree]

I think there were not replies after Post#15 because that was the post in which you said
the situation was resolved. The thread title/first post didn't indicate that once resolution
had been achieved there should be continued input.

After your "Thank you all, for you input!" with a Smiley Face, it looked as if there was
nothing more required. Were you looking for congratulations?

 

[Judge]

I was glad to get the input, but now that the problem has been solved, I don't get any feedback. Just curious.

What more is there to discuss if the problem was solved?

 

[garnetflower13]

I'm not sure what I was looking for. I was just curious.