Feel gutted about the actions of a friend, advice and can anyone relate?

[cfc]

I struggled to make friends at school. When I moved to college three years ago, things began to get better, and it started with one particular person who was the first person I'd formed a closer friendship with in either school or college. For that reason, the person is special to me, and the friendship means a lot. We've stayed pretty good since then, but recently I saw that he did something that I'm really not happy with. I don't want to go into it (and I don't really want to talk to him about it), but it makes me think about him in a different, more negative way, and unless he changes as he gets older, I can't see our relationship being the same. I've made other friends since him, but I've not felt the same excitement and pleasure about anyone else. I'm really struggling to deal with the fact that it might be drifting away, and not carry on the way I wanted it to.

Also, we became friends through writing and drama, and I like collaborating with him. I've got an idea for something that I wanted him to be part, but this (alongside his unreliability, even though that's not a personal thing) could make it difficult or impossible to work with him right now.

Can anyone relate to the feeling of one person feeling especially important to you, and how to deal with them letting you down, or the relationship becoming less than what I wanted it to be?

 

[Aspychata]

How about just talking about said incident that disappointed you? Then you have your boundary in place and can come from a base of stability. Are they on the spectrum?
Nobody is perfect but we can improve with guidance from the right people in our lives. We all are walking thru Covid conditions which has been incrediblely difficult and outside of the normal zone for many of us. So we all feel a bit beat up. Yet we go out and try to act like nothing has changed when it has been a major change. Anyways, l hope you try talking out your concerns.

 

[SDRSpark]

Been there. I'm not any better at handling it now than I was years ago. I have no useful advice whatsoever (but I'm hoping someone else does!)

 

[menander]

There is no way to control another person. When someone we love changes, our only choices are to accept them no matter what or move on. It is fine to talk to them and ask about the event, get more information about it and why they did it if they want to talk about it. Then, if you cannot accept it and back away, they may be insistent on controlling YOU.

So many relationships and abuses are from people who either cannot accept another or cannot let go of another.

 

[Thinx]

You say you feel gutted about his actions, but without knowing even the ballpark of what these were, it's hard to know whether it's more useful to work on yourself, or to broach the issue with him. And if you haven't broached it with him, are you sure you know the full story so that you can judge these actions?

If his actions have harmed others, that's something that could be a deal breaker in a friendship, depending how harmful the actions were, and his attitude about this. If you find the actions out of character, though, could you be helping him by broaching it? Sometimes friends have to hold up a mirror for each other, where this may stop a slide into harmful actions.

 

[Au Naturel]

I think about this. I imagine I have a friend. There's something about me I want him to know but I'm frightened. Instead of talking about it, I "do" something to let my secret slip. (In my case, I might get super drunk/stoned and dance naked at a party.) Not saying that what's happened. Just saying that I've done that sort of thing in a desperate effort to get "out" and be my real self with others.

You were opaque as to what actually happened. So no clue what elseto say.

 

[Giraffes]

There is no way to control another person. When someone we love changes, our only choices are to accept them no matter what or move on
.

I tend to connect with a person then struggle to see their wants, needs and other people who are in their life and focus on my wants and needs, i then am a bit of a demanding needy person, i have upset people i love and care about and regonise it but ATM haven't broken this dysfunction, will keep trying, i hope you can do also as things often change and we can express our feelings but all of us have a right to change.