Feel totally misunderstood

[ForestFox]

Hi there! I was diagnosed with high functioning autism a few weeks back. I also suffer with PTSD and depression.

One thing that's always bothered me is people find me intimidating. I've been told I have "serial killer eyes", that I'm cold and that I scare people. I make people uncomfortable when I look at them. I sometimes feel like a monster. I try to be polite and make idle chit chat and small talk, and do my best to blend in. I have no problems reading people but I'm not very expressive. I notice that people flinch and feel uncomfortable around me. Sometimes when I walk past people in a quiet street or go through an alleyway, people look scared and I feel like people look at me as some kind of predator. Am I the only one that feels like this?

Most of the time I block it out as I can't help my face. But sometimes it gets to me how people look at me like I'm a weirdo even though I try my best to be polite. I even avoid making eye contact sometimes as I notice I can carry on conversations fine and everyone seems happy until they look into my eyes. I guess... I sometimes feel like some kind of monster and this has been going on since I was a kid.

 

[tree]

 

[BraidedPony]

There isn’t much you can do about your eye for goodness sake. Do you have tattoos on your face? That can be scary. Do you smile? Smiles put people at ease.
Maybe wear soft pastel colors?
I hope so,one here has some better ideas!

 

[ForestFox]

There isn’t much you can do about your eye for goodness sake. Do you have tattoos on your face? That can be scary. Do you smile? Smiles put people at ease.
Maybe wear soft pastel colors?
I hope so,one here has some better ideas!

No, no tattoos. I dress plainly, and average. I don't really do anything that makes me stand out. I do smile, but it's just as soon as my eyes meet someone else's, they almost flinch and look scared. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me but I don't know how to change this. Maybe you're right about the colours. Perhaps if I do something different with my clothes I'll creep people out less.

 

[BraidedPony]

Yeah, I like to see men wear pink, it makes them look so confident in their masculinity and they look so approachable.
This is non of my business but are your teeth clean? Sorry to even ask, I just want to help. Something else that might scare people are body/facial piercings.

 

[ForestFox]

Yeah, I like to see men wear pink, it makes them look so confident in their masculinity and they look so approachable.
This is non of my business but are your teeth clean? Sorry to even ask, I just want to help. Something else that might scare people are body/facial piercings.

Yeah! I totally understand why'd you'd ask that. I wash once or sometimes twice a day, take quite a lot of care with my teeth too. I don't have any piercings or tattoos, and just wear my hair in a crew cut. Honestly I try not to stand out so I don't wear anything bright or eye catching. To the point when it's a bit boring and dull. A lot of people say they find me difficult to read. Could that do it?

 

[Nitro]

Hi ForestFox

 

[Autistamatic]

Hi @ForestFox and welcome to the community

Have you asked anyone who has described your "serial killer eyes" what it is about the way you look at them that makes them feel that way. Maybe they feel you stare at them, or your eyes are too wide open? Perhaps your facial expressions look aggressive, or your posture?

There was a discussion onnhere a couple of days ago about looking grumpy, which is quite a common misconception about autistic people. I'm sure what you describe is related. Until you know what it is about you that elicits this reaction you won't be able to address it.

For the record I have tattoos and piercings and have never been told I look aggressive. Sour yes, grumpy yes, mardy yes, but aggressive or dangerous - never

I hope you get to the bottom of it and ease your mind

 

[ForestFox]

Hi @ForestFox and welcome to the community

Have you asked anyone who has described your "serial killer eyes" what it is about the way you look at them that makes them feel that way. Maybe they feel you stare at them, or your eyes are too wide open? Perhaps your facial expressions look aggressive, or your posture?

There was a discussion onnhere a couple of days ago about looking grumpy, which is quite a common misconception about autistic people. I'm sure what you describe is related. Until you know what it is about you that elicits this reaction you won't be able to address it.

For the record I have tattoos and piercings and have never been told I look aggressive. Sour yes, grumpy yes, mardy yes, but aggressive or dangerous - never

I hope you get to the bottom of it and ease your mind

That's a good plan. Wish that occurred to me at the time. I will ask them when I see them next. It's just whenever they come out with this kind of thing, no matter who it is, it's a bit of a conversation killer for me. It makes me feel like I've lost whatever confidence I had in talking to people. I've been told I look cold, arrogant, aloof and because I'm quiet people usually assume I'm cold as opposed to having nothing to say. Thank you for all the feedback! It's given me something to work with and think about. Also, thank you everyone for not judging and for the warm welcome!

 

[Clueless in Canada]

People have told you that you have serial killer eyes and yet autistic people are accused of saying inappropriate things! I agree that it may help to ask these people for a better explanation but you can't change your face. My son is undiagnosed but most likely on the spectrum and his neutral face can look a bit fierce and he is strong and athletic so I suppose he might scare some people though he is such a gentle person in reality. When I was in high school many people thought I was cold and arrogant and I suspect the fact that in some situations I can seem warm and friendly and in others, when I am uncomfortable or tired I probably look disapproving.

Are you larger than average? Maybe people seem frightened of you simply because you are male. I hope you get some answers but I also hope that you can just accept yourself as you are. Sorry I'm not really any help but I just wanted to say hi and let you know you have support here.

 

[ForestFox]

People have told you that you have serial killer eyes and yet autistic people are accused of saying inappropriate things! I agree that it may help to ask these people for a better explanation but you can't change your face. My son is undiagnosed but most likely on the spectrum and his neutral face can look a bit fierce and he is strong and athletic so I suppose he might scare some people though he is such a gentle person in reality. When I was in high school many people thought I was cold and arrogant and I suspect the fact that in some situations I can seem warm and friendly and in others, when I am uncomfortable or tired I probably look disapproving.

Are you larger than average? Maybe people seem frightened of you simply because you are male. I hope you get some answers but I also hope that you can just accept yourself as you are. Sorry I'm not really any help but I just wanted to say hi and let you know you have support here.

Actually you've been a great deal of help. I'm about 5 ft 11, and a athletic. My reply has always been 'it's just my face', but what you described in high school pretty much happens with me still. It happened when I was a kid. I tried taking a picture of myself once to get over of my fear of being photographed and the replies on social media from friends was "you look like you're about to kill someone". And that was the last time I ever took a picture willingly of myself.

I live in a small town in the UK and it's normal to say hello to strangers. But when I say hi and smile at a passerby they look disturbed. So it's kind of got to a point when I avoid going out or talking to people if I can because it makes me feel down about myself.

I'm married and my wife says she thinks people find me difficult to read. But she read me and she just got me straight away. Whereas 99% of people think I'm weird or give them bad vibes.
Then there's the rare few that get me straight away. I never could figure out if it is something I do differently or if it's just something I can't help. If it really is just my face.

Thank you for writing in and for your kind words!

 

[Fino]

Is it possible you're not actually smiling? I just posted about how I'm not always smiling when I think I am! I used to think I was smiling at pedestrians when I let them cross (me driving) and turns out I'm not at all! I look bored or mad or something.

 

[Aspychata]

sounds like your height scares people, size is intimidating. l think u must be muscular or not skinny. Try to understand and not take it personally. Just smile, try laughing more, hell, try stand up comedy at a club, joke about this, " hell, l must scare the bjonkers , because people run and hid when l come out, and l am looking around thinking wtf just happened?". Just take it, embrace it, own it, and turn it in your favor, it's like your personal freedom, but u need to conquer this.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Just say

It's because I am a serial killer.


That will relax them

 

[Suzanne]

My husband suffers similar to yourself. He is a nt, but has an off putting way about him, which make people not very friendly towards him.

The thing is, he can be scary, but I also know the reason why and he is not an evil person.

He gets sensitive with how others react to him and well, for one thing, he does not smile a lot (smiling is hugely important to relax people).

So, for yourself, as it has been suggested, wear lighter colours and don't hide your face and as another said: we are constantly being told how innappropriate we are and yet, calling someone a serial killer is ok?

 

[onlything]

Hi there, welcome.

Proper smiling can make people more amenable towards you, despite your 'serial killer look'. I imagine that your eyes just have the kind of intensity that makes people wary, or the shape of your eyes makes it seem so. Nothing wrong with that, nothing you can change either. Smiling, however, can help a lot. A small, polite/friendly smile, a bit of teeth showing but not too much and make sure to crinkle the skin around your eyes when you do it - it makes it much easier to interact with people. You can train with a mirror (You'd be surprised how many NTs I met do it to look the best possible way!)

 

[tree]

@ForestFox
How do dogs react to you?

What sort of relationships, if any, do you have with them?
Are they afraid of you?
Do they bark?
Do they obey?

Are you around any other animals, if not dogs?
By which the style of your gaze might affect them......

 

[ForestFox]

@ForestFox
How do dogs react to you?

What sort of relationships, if any, do you have with them?
Are they afraid of you?
Do they bark?
Do they obey?

Are you around any other animals, if not dogs?
By which the style of your gaze might affect them......

Dogs and cats are great with me. I don't think I've ever had a dog scared of me. I have no problem coming up to a strange dog in public and giving them a hug. In fact a lady even trusts me with her guide dog on the bus simply because it likes me. I often think I get along better with animals than people.

 

[Aspychata]

Dogs and cats are great with me. I don't think I've ever had a dog scared of me. I have no problem coming up to a strange dog in public and giving them a hug. In fact a lady even trusts me with her guide dog on the bus simply because it likes me. I often think I get along better with animals than people.

That is cute.