Feeling Like a Fake

[inkfingers]

I was only diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder a little less than a year ago because I suspected I was autistic. I pushed for a professional diagnosis, and got diagnosed with: Autism Spectrum Disorder, without intellectual impairment, requiring support. I assume that this is "level one" of ASD, aka, high-functioning autism.

Reading about other people's struggles online, or doing more research on ASD (which has become a special interest for me), I feel like I'm not "autistic enough". I feel like because I'm supposedly high-functioning, I should be able to handle a full load of college classes, and keep up a job during the summer, and be able to attend social events without feeling drained and tired afterward. Instead, I can only handle about 3 college classes a semester, and had to quit the last two part-time jobs because I could not handle the social and sensory input. It just wore me down and led to autistic meltdowns and burnout. I don't even have a driver's licence yet, and I'm 19 years old. I feel like a fake, because of the "high-functioning" label. I feel like I have to live up to these standards, because that's what everyone else does, right?

And then I look on Instagram at pictures of my neurotypical neighbors, and they are attending public school and looking so happy, and posting pictures of social events, and it makes me feel like I'm not a real person, like I'm not normal. I don't know... I just want to fit in, but I never have. I had this weird idea that if I lost weight and grew out my hair, then I would look like I fit in, and then maybe I would have less social problems. As if...

I keep on trying and trying to do better, but I'm stuck in this weird place where I know my limits, and I know that holding down a part-time job this summer is not very realistic for me, and yet I just want to meet society's standards so that I'll be less of an outcast.

Sorry for the long post/rant. I'm just feeling down right now, and unhappy with myself.

 

[Bolletje]

I’m sorry you’re feeling down right now. I can relate. I was diagnosed with Aspergers. Because of the high-functioning bit I didn’t feel like the autism label fully applied to me and, like you, I didn’t feel ‘autistic enough’. Because of the high functioning bit, I refused to accept that I had limitations. For a time, I was doing everything a “normal” person does. Full-time job, driving lessons, lots of social engagements, concerts, festivals. But I couldn’t do that long-term. I went through burn-out and a pretty severe depression which I’m still struggling with, to be honest.

I’m currently in the process of accepting that there’s some things I just can’t do, because the price I have to pay is too high. Even though I’m high-functioning. And it’s depressing, because I don’t want to be disabled. But I have to accept that in a way, I am. I’m hoping it’ll get easier. For you too.

Sorry, I wish I had an uplifting response for you, but I guess it’s just not in the cards today.

 

[H-Kath]

I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. Your diagnosis says that you need some support. It's OK to ask for accommodations, they're there for people that honestly need them in order to have equal access to an education and work. Having different needs and different social abilities doesn't make you less of a person, or less deserving of the break you badly need when you put yourself up against all of the additional stress you go through in order to pursue the things you want in life.

Is the reason you want to be seen as more normal that you're feeling lonely?

 

[Judge]

Even if one is diagnosed with a Level One classification of Autism Spectrum Disorder, it doesn't mean we are without problems and challenges. It just implies that we may be able to function a little better than others, or even that we might be able to mask our traits and behaviors more effectively. A distinction which may be that much more difficult for Neurotypicals to comprehend because in their eyes it's not a terribly obvious manifestation of autism.

The best you can do is to live up to your own standards, and not those of others. Especially the Neurotypical majority. Accept whatever limitations you have and strive to improve that which you can. And just forget attempting to put it all into the context of being "high functioning".

And in those rough times, think of the Serenity Prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

 

[inkfingers]

I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. Your diagnosis says that you need some support. It's OK to ask for accommodations, they're there for people that honestly need them in order to have equal access to an education and work. Having different needs and different social abilities doesn't make you less of a person, or less deserving of the break you badly need when you put yourself up against all of the additional stress you go through in order to pursue the things you want in life.

Is the reason you want to be seen as more normal that you're feeling lonely?

I was thinking about finding a part-time job this summer, but I know that I should disclose my diagnosis because I am prone to meltdowns during stressful periods at work. I wouldn't want my boss to be surprised or confused if I suddenly stopped functioning during a shift. But I also don't want to disclose my diagnosis because I'm scared what people will think of me, and I'm really shy, so talking to anyone (let alone asking for accommodation) scares me a lot. Also, I'm scared of the job interview, which is understandable, considering my lack of social skills.

I actually don't think I'm lonely. I just want to be more like my siblings (all neurotypical) and their friends. I want to fit in. Ok, maybe I'm a little lonely. I just want to experience what my siblings are experiencing: that connection with other people, that emotional and social connection that I don't understand and I want to understand it and experience it, but I don't know how, or if I can. I don't understand neurotypicals, and I probably never will, but I would like to understand them and have them understand me, even just for a day. I don't even understand my family members. I think they're confusing, and they seem to feel the same way about me. I just think differently, I guess... Also, I struggle with empathy, and understanding other people's emotions, which makes it hard for me to establish a connection with someone.

 

[Pats]

Turn it around and look at it again. You accomplish what you have despite the autism. You have learned your limits and, therefore, able to work around them. The things you see and wish you were able to do in other people came easy for them so it's not something you can compare your ability to and it's not a feat.

I think there are times many of us feel like we might not be autistic enough, and then a couple days down the line, something happens that makes you realize, "oh yeah. definitely autistic." You're in that small percentage of people that are unique and don't just follow the group. So choose your direction and go for it.

 

[H-Kath]

I was thinking about finding a part-time job this summer, but I know that I should disclose my diagnosis because I am prone to meltdowns during stressful periods at work. I wouldn't want my boss to be surprised or confused if I suddenly stopped functioning during a shift. But I also don't want to disclose my diagnosis because I'm scared what people will think of me, and I'm really shy, so talking to anyone (let alone asking for accommodation) scares me a lot. Also, I'm scared of the job interview, which is understandable, considering my lack of social skills.

That's all very understandable, and I don't know what the best plan would be as far as disclosing goes. I've had to disclose my anxiety diagnosis to a few professors lately, and as much as I was afraid, they've all been very understanding about it. The one that I worked for for a few years was actually very sympathetic, and had some helpful suggestions.

I don't understand neurotypicals, and I probably never will, but I would like to understand them and have them understand me, even just for a day. I don't even understand my family members. I think they're confusing, and they seem to feel the same way about me. I just think differently, I guess... Also, I struggle with empathy, and understanding other people's emotions, which makes it hard for me to establish a connection with someone.

Does your family know you feel this way?

My partner and I do better by being direct and having worked on a dynamic where we'll tell each other what we're feeling, or what subtext we might be using, and the other knows it's OK to say, "I don't get it" or "I don't understand what you mean." It's been a relief to be able to do that instead of quietly faking it. I struggle to understand my own emotions let alone other people's, so a lot of the time when I've said something inconsiderate I don't know until someone has a strong reaction or tells me I've said something hurtful.

 

[Fino]

I should be able to handle a full load of college classes, and keep up a job during the summer, and be able to attend social events without feeling drained and tired afterward.

I was with you and reading casually and feeling it and then when I got here, it's like I slipped onto a slide and started sliding down! My brain was like, "whoa, whoa, whoaaaa...where did all that come from?"

I'm tired just from reading that! I graduated from college but it took me almost 9 years! Now I'm starting my Masters!

Comparing yourself to others is like comparing yourself to mannequins or movie stars--just another group of people that aren't you.

Compare yourself to me! Then you'll feel great about yourself!

 

[Progster]

Reading about other people's struggles online, or doing more research on ASD (which has become a special interest for me), I feel like I'm not "autistic enough". I feel like because I'm supposedly high-functioning, I should be able to handle a full load of college classes, and keep up a job during the summer, and be able to attend social events without feeling drained and tired afterward. Instead, I can only handle about 3 college classes a semester, and had to quit the last two part-time jobs because I could not handle the social and sensory input. It just wore me down and led to autistic meltdowns and burnout. I don't even have a driver's licence yet, and I'm 19 years old. I feel like a fake, because of the "high-functioning" label. I feel like I have to live up to these standards, because that's what everyone else does, right?

I'm a bit confused here, because on the one hand, you say that you feel you are not autistic enough and feel like a fake, but on the other hand you are struggling and should be able to cope better.

Firstly, you have a diagnosis for a reason: because you have struggles and need support. If you didn't have these issues, then you would not need or receive this diagnosis. All people with high functioning autism have these issues or similar; some can mask it and appear 'normal' and hold down a long term job, relationship, have a social life and friends, etc, but we can only do so much and there is always an often hidden cost or trade-off, we are much more prone to anxiety, depression and burn-out than our neurotypical counterparts, will reach the tipping point a lot faster and take longer to recover. 'High-functioning' autism in adults is often about the way we feel inside and our coping strategies, the parts we manage to keep hidden from others around us. The new student with his father who I saw a couple of days ago saw a friendly, cheerful language tutor with assessment questions and materials, he did not see the anxiety and feelings of being out of my depth and comfort zone that meeting and talking to strangers inevitably brings, the mask of concentration I need to monitor my body language and find the right and appropiate things to say. He didn't see the stimming under the desk I need to do to keep everything under control and to avoid overstimulation, or the recovery I need after the interview. I can relate to the feeling of being a fake, but I've come to realise it's about how I feel inside, how much I can manage and the need to balance that with the demands of living.

Secondly, forget Instagram. Like all social media, it's a fake reality as everybody strives to present themselves in the best light and nobody talks about the problems they may have, and lets face it, nobody's life is perfect and everybody has problems.
Edited: grammar.

 

[MeghanWithAnH]

What people forget is that 'high functioning' is not the same as 'geeky neurotypical'. All autistic people at any functioning level are living in a world that wasn't designed for the way our brains work, and that has a significant energy cost. We have to do all of this extra work to adapt to a world that wasn't built for us and thinks that we should fit all of its expectations, and that uses energy and concentration that should be available for other things. It's no wonder that we have trouble doing that on top of everything that a neurotypical would be expected to do. Good accommodations are built to help with these problems, so we can stop wasting so much energy on trying to do everything normally. As one of my professors put it, "I know that you can do it, but you shouldn't have to put in so much more work than everyone else to do it".

That's part of the problem with using functioning labels. It makes people think people fit neatly into the categories of low functioning people who can't do anything and high functioning people who can do everything normally.

That's the theoretical part of it. Practically, though, I definitely relate to feeling fake. I pass as NT well enough to feel like a fake autistic, but then I have ridiculous amounts of trouble with things that an NT would find easy so then I feel like I'm faking being able to function at all. However, I've concluded that the problem isn't me, it's that barely anyone understands autism, let alone what to do about autism, and they pass their confusion onto us. Don't blame yourself for struggling with some NT expectations. You could think of it like going to school in a foreign country when you've only learned part of the local language and culture. You can do it, but it's more work than the native residents expect, so you might need to work at a slower pace and you might make some unusual mistakes. It's not your fault, you're just still learning something that they think comes naturally to everyone. We know it doesn't, so give yourself some grace. You're no more fake than the rest of us.

 

[Isadoorian]

I saw you've mentioned Instagram. I'd like to show you a really good place that shows just how fake the many people on there are themselves: r/InstagramReality on Reddit (Instagram Reality Baybeh! • r/Instagramreality)

Lots of photoshopping/image editing along with a pound of makeup, in general goes a long way to try and make ones self feel superior to others.

 

[Sarah S]

The first thing you need to do is STOP comparing youre self to others with ASD. EVERYONE with this diagnosis is different from eatchoder and in general this cind of diagnosis are highly Individual Both in what level , gender, or even like most often Multiple diagnosis

Even i when i first finally managed to read my latest evolution (when they find my ASD ) doubted my diagnos and had to resurch on line & take most of the ASD etc... Tests on line AND yes in the beginning in here compare my self to the others.

So the best advice i can give is ACCEPT youre diagnose DONT compare youre self with others with this diagnose. And continue with youre life the best you can. And theres NOTHING wrong in having to have support in life (i had it ALL my life and still do and without it i can say for shore i wouldn't be were im att today even =i`l be dead or in jail. And my support was my mother before she got Alzheimer & my reel dad in the background (they were divorced when i was born) , and now i have my VERY dear older friend that i actually helped when he was close of going under mentally MANY years ago that is there for me WHEN EVER i need him with WHATEVER i need help with. And NO im NOT ashamed that i need help im GREATFULL that i have it

 

[Pinkie B]

I actually don't think I'm lonely. I just want to be more like my siblings (all neurotypical) and their friends. I want to fit in. Ok, maybe I'm a little lonely. I just want to experience what my siblings are experiencing: that connection with other people, that emotional and social connection that I don't understand and I want to understand it and experience it, but I don't know how, or if I can. I don't understand neurotypicals, and I probably never will, but I would like to understand them and have them understand me, even just for a day.

I know where you're coming from. I only recently diagnosed myself less than a month ago. It was a huge shock at first and this intense desire to not be "disabled." But then I realized slowly that I'm still just me and my diagnosis is actually a powerful tool in my arsenal of making my way in the world. For one thing, it brought me here and I find great comfort in sharing with other people who just get it.

I also struggled for years with this sense that I will never fit in. People have always called me "weird" and eventually I just had this what else is new attitude about it. I brushed it off, but in truth it always bothered me that I never found my People. Recently, however, and I don't mean to brag but I'm still in disbelief of my good fortune, I became involved with someone who is committed to getting me. Knowing that I'm autistic (aspie) has given both of us the ability to step back and see what's going on between us. I do the literal thing to him and it used to make him feel like I was twisting his words. I would get upset because how is taking someone at their word twisting their words? But now that we know what it is, we're working through it. It's absolutely brilliant those moments when we realize that whatever is distressing us is a result of the autistic/NT communication barrier and we go "oh" and then just walk around it.

So, I guess I'm trying to say that you don't have to think of your diagnosis as a handicap at all. Think of it as a way to better know yourself and a guide to be able to connect with others. Just look for people who realize that it's a two way street and that NT isn't better or default or anything, but just different. If you're willing to see it their way and they're willing to see it your way, then you can have that connection you crave. I never thought I would, and then one day I woke up and now I have it. It's beautiful.

You can have it too, K?

 

[shysnail]

I saw something on Pinterest about how high-functioning autism just means that other people experience your autism less intensely, not that you yourself do. Honestly, when I was diagnosed, this levels of autism thing wasn't a thing, and I do think it's ultimately confusing because does it mean you're just a bit autistic if you're only a level one? It seems silly to me. You're autistic and you struggle with the things you struggle with.

I'm a "high functioning" autistic, but I've only ever been self-employed because I can't hack the workplace, I don't socialize or have friends, my social circle is incredibly small, I can't deal with a lot of sensory input that makes basic parts of living really, really hard for me. I spend probably more than 50% of my life in a state of active anxiety (not even just the baseline that's always there).

Yet I am "high functioning". Go figure. I'm not normal, but I can't be. You're autistic, you're valid, it's okay to struggle. We're not built for these NT world so we just have to muddle along as best we can and be forgiving with ourselves. There's enough stacked against us without being against ourselves, too.

 

[Sarah S]

Actually the different levels of ASD is non existing. The levels that do exist are the different levels of needed support.

So ASD level 1 is for ex NOT High functioning Autism as there is nothing thats called this or Low functioning either anymore from DSM - 5

“High-functioning autism isn’t an official medical term or diagnosis. It’s an informal one some people use when they talk about people with an autism spectrum disorder who can speak, read, write, and handle basic life skills like eating and getting dressed. They may live independently, and are a lot like anyone else."

The three levels of severity for ASD include:

• Level 1: Requiring Support: Problems with inflexibility, poor organization, planning, switching between activities, which impair independence. ... (also in some cases Mild)

And in my case with Level 1 & 2 (also in some cases Moderate )

• Level 2: Requiring Substantial Support: Marked difficulties in verbal and nonverbal social communication skills.

And lastly Level 3

• Level 3: Requiring Very Substantial Support: Severe difficulties in verbal and nonverbal communication. Very limited speech, odd, repetitive behavior; many express their basic needs only. (also in some cases Severe)

Making Sense of the 3 Levels of Autism

 

[Tom]

I believe the context is high functioning for an autistic person.

 

[Peter Morrison]

I have a lot of respect for the medical community, but I firmly believe that the professionals, who are able to test, diagnose, and characterize levels of ASD, don't understand the underlying issues facing those who are afflicted. It is my belief that anyone on the spectrum needs to know what contributes to their "inabilities" and avoid putting themselves in a situation where functioning will challenge them and risk a meltdown, mild or severe. The skills we have are useful, but they are not always there on command. There needs to be a balance among all of the forces that keep the deficiencies at bay. To me, this is managing ASD - knowing where the problems are because you know your own limits. You also need to know and trust your own strengths.

It's dangerous, and unnecessary, for anyone to compare themselves to others. There are many hidden realities behind all the glossy facades in our world. Know your self well, and never fear being the real you. You seem to be driven, meaning that you are aware of your surroundings and acknowledge differences. You are also putting effort into building your life. My first impression of you is that you are smart and observant, also sensitive and inquisitive. You are trying to do the right things and you are genuine in your assessment of them. You are not a fake. You are just following the culture and you participate. I think everyone has stories about not fitting in properly due to awkward shyness that arrives unannounced, being overly stimulated by environmental factors, or feeling insecure because they feel they wear their shortcoming like a badge for all to see. You have the right to feel ill-at-ease in certain settings or with certain people. That's 100% normal for anyone. You just need to be aware of what challenges you and adjust your decisions and actions accordingly. Some people ski, some people swim, and others go to car shows. There is nothing wrong with you. If I ever get an official diagnosis with a certificate of authenticity, I may get a t-shirt that reads: High Functioning. I laugh when I think of all the ways that would be interpreted.

 

[Pinkie B]

Make me one, too. Maybe with air quotes?

 

[Gracey]

Can I have a t shirt too ?

Can mine read " The awesomeness before you is Aspie...
(and no, I won't wear a suit and accompany you to a casino)
More brackets,
(check definition of Savant)

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

I’m sorry you’re feeling down right now. I can relate. I was diagnosed with Aspergers. Because of the high-functioning bit I didn’t feel like the autism label fully applied to me and, like you, I didn’t feel ‘autistic enough’. Because of the high functioning bit, I refused to accept that I had limitations. For a time, I was doing everything a “normal” person does. Full-time job, driving lessons, lots of social engagements, concerts, festivals. But I couldn’t do that long-term. I went through burn-out and a pretty severe depression which I’m still struggling with, to be honest.

I’m currently in the process of accepting that there’s some things I just can’t do, because the price I have to pay is too high. Even though I’m high-functioning. And it’s depressing, because I don’t want to be disabled. But I have to accept that in a way, I am. I’m hoping it’ll get easier. For you too.

Sorry, I wish I had an uplifting response for you, but I guess it’s just not in the cards today.

i was too.so i know that not everyone is socially interactive towards me,like i wouldn't be towards them (Twitter),or in person.