Feeling like a fraud...

[Sass]

So I was diagnosed aspie a couple of months ago, and it makes perfect sense (to me), but I have this horrible feeling stalking me that I can't seem to shake.

I often feel like I'm stuck in the middle of NT-land and Aspie-ville, like I don't fit in either place, and that perhaps I'm suddenly going to be outed on either side as some kind of pretender. It's like I'm not NT enough or Aspie enough. Rational huh?

It's probably just my anxiety, and the result of spending many years before my diagnosis trying to behave in the 'right' way in order to not be 'found out' (for what I don't know, but that's what it always felt like).

Anyone else feel this way?

 

[Vanilla]

I know exactly how you feel.

I've wondered this myself for some time now, but wasn't sure if it was just me, or if every Aspie feels the same. Or perhaps it's more Aspie women?? (as we're kind of halfway between both worlds in general). I'm keen to see who else feels this way, for sure

 

[Sass]

I know exactly how you feel.

I've wondered this myself for some time now, but wasn't sure if it was just me, or if every Aspie feels the same. Or perhaps it's more Aspie women?? (as we're kind of halfway between both worlds in general). I'm keen to see who else feels this way, for sure

Oh good glory, I'm glad it's not just me! I think I've spent so long observing people and trying to take on their social characteristics that somewhere along the line my sense of self got severely blurred. I think that's the thing I've found hardest since my diagnosis. I am now free to be myself, but I'm f*cked if I know who that is

 

[Judge]

Oh yes...I understand very well what you are saying. It's why I continue to be here quite frequently, continuing to put the pieces of this puzzle together. And in the process learn a little more each day that leaves me confident that I am mildly autistic. I accept it- I don't embrace it.

What makes it so confusing at times is that while I may experience many Aspie traits and behaviors, I don't experience them with the intensity of others much further on the spectrum.

Yet at the same time I keep identifying enough Aspie traits that makes me want to apply as a poster child! Can I emulate NT behaviors? Many..but for a limited period. It's very stressful to keep up this charade. I've come to the conclusion that if I really were NT such behaviors would come natural to the point where I wouldn't be thinking about them, let alone stress over them. Socialization is inherently uncomfortable for me. It always has been. Like you, I also have spent a lifetime trying to behave in "the right way" to fit in enough not to be noticed as anything other than introverted.

But that's just it. I was trying to behave. Again, if I really was Neurotypical it wouldn't be an issue. There would be no behaviors to "work" at. You simply live them if you are Neurotypical. However for us it's a struggle to varying degrees.

Incidentally, I'm thinking about formally making a list in writing of all my behaviors. Just so at times if I ever get exasperated about it all, I can ground myself with some simple reminders. Which might also come in handy if I try to explain my condition to others.

 

[Ereth]

Oh, honey, you're definitely not alone. My diagnosis came rather late---apparently I'd managed to squeak under the radar, so to speak. I'm uncertain whether that means I'm only mildly autistic or if I just adapted well enough. I don't know, but it's probably a little of both. My autism doesn't seem to manifest as obviously as some others', generally speaking. But I really don't feel any different from my pre-diagnosis days. I suppose this is largely a matter of perspective for those of us who are closer to straddling the border between neurological distinctions.

 

[Sass]

Oh, honey, you're definitely not alone. My diagnosis came rather late---apparently I'd managed to squeak under the radar, so to speak. I'm uncertain whether that means I'm only mildly autistic or if I just adapted well enough. I don't know, but it's probably a little of both. My autism doesn't seem to manifest as obviously as some others', generally speaking. But I really don't feel any different from my pre-diagnosis days. I suppose this is largely a matter of perspective for those of us who are closer to straddling the border between neurological distinctions.

I think you've cracked it with the perspective thing. I just haven't got to that point yet. I can feel myself still trying to be a people-pleaser, even when I know there's no need. And honestly, I can think of so many better things to straddle than the neurological borders (although most of them are fictional dudes – does a combo of Tony Stark and Edgar Allen Poe exist in real life???). That aside, I don't feel any different really, and that's what scares me the most. I thought my conformity obsession might fade, even when most of the time it was conforming to the whole 'alternative' thing. Ugh...

 

[Vanilla]

I think you've cracked it with the perspective thing. I just haven't got to that point yet. I can feel myself still trying to be a people-pleaser, even when I know there's no need. And honestly, I can think of so many better things to straddle than the neurological borders (although most of them are fictional dudes – does a combo of Tony Stark and Edgar Allen Poe exist in real life???). That aside, I don't feel any different really, and that's what scares me the most. I thought my conformity obsession might fade, even when most of the time it was conforming to the whole 'alternative' thing. Ugh...

I think it's all a matter of deciding just who you want to be.

Strangely enough, I had given up on pleasing people long ago, and had managed to figure out who I was before my self-diagnoses, so by the time I found out about my AS, it was merely an explanation, as opposed to a revelation, where you're left wondering who you're supposed to be now. Probably one of the reasons why I feel a bit of a black sheep at times; I've become my own person.

My advise is to start small, and work your way up from there. Listen to what you want, rather than what others want of you. Of course you don't have to become a full blown rebel, but deciding on how to you want to live your life can take time to figure out, and generally requires a fair bit of trial and error.

 

[Sass]

I've often wondered the same about myself. I think my occasional doubt is because of some of the perceptions of Aspies in the media and on the big screen. I've never watched a full episode of "Big Bang Theory" (it doesn't have horses or gunfights), but it's obvious the characters are Aspies. I wonder, "Why am I not like that?" I work at a place that literally trains rocket scientists and I ask the same question again as I interact with the students and faculty. That's one thing I love about AC, because it shows me that not all Aspies are alike. When I take a close look at my life, I then realize that I'm an Aspie adapting to an ever-changing NT world.

I've never watched an episode of Big Bang Theory either. I see what you mean about the media representation though. It's like we're all supposed to be scientists or working in conjunction with the police to catch serial killers

 

[Sass]

I think it's all a matter of deciding just who you want to be.

Strangely enough, I had given up on pleasing people long ago, and had managed to figure out who I was before my self-diagnoses, so by the time I found out about my AS, it was merely an explanation, as opposed to a revelation, where you're left wondering who you're supposed to be now. Probably one of the reasons why I feel a bit of a black sheep at times; I've become my own person.

My advise is to start small, and work your way up from there. Listen to what you want, rather than what others want of you. Of course you don't have to become a full blown rebel, but deciding on how to you want to live your life can take time to figure out, and generally requires a fair bit of trial and error.

It's good advice, thanks

 

[MovieMike]

Ah yes, I've had feelings of doubt about my diagnosis, but then I just remembered my entire life up until that point and the doubt went away.
Seriously, if you ever feel these types of doubt just think about all the ways the diagnosis fits. I'm sure you'll think of enough reasons to feel like you belong in Aspie-ville. And remember, it's a spectrum, so even if you're not completely and totally autistic in every way imaginable, that doesn't mean you're not autistic. You're you, an individual on the spectrum who doesn't need to fit into some arbitrary definition of "Aspie" or "NT," because who you are is so much more important than that. You need to find the real you, what label you have is only a small step in that journey.

 

[Ereth]

I think you've cracked it with the perspective thing. I just haven't got to that point yet. I can feel myself still trying to be a people-pleaser, even when I know there's no need. And honestly, I can think of so many better things to straddle than the neurological borders (although most of them are fictional dudes – does a combo of Tony Stark and Edgar Allen Poe exist in real life???). That aside, I don't feel any different really, and that's what scares me the most. I thought my conformity obsession might fade, even when most of the time it was conforming to the whole 'alternative' thing. Ugh...

You just need time to adjust to the changes in your life. It took me a little while to come to terms with my diagnosis, too.

(Off-topic: Oh, my God. Hahahaha. Your comment about "fictional dudes" just made my morning. I have similar thoughts, so I completely understand. )

 

[Aspieistj]

I have participated on various Aspie forums and can't completely identify with any member of any forum. I have found one person who often irritates me and at first, I wondered if I really were an Aspie. I eventually came to the conclusion that there are variations in all people, both Aspie and NT, and some people of either group can seem really nice or just plain cantankerous. So, I conclude that this person and I are both Aspies, but not identical.

 

[Judge]

There's one critical thing about being part of a community of real autistic people. You find out that we aren't all physicists, or crime solvers, or savants who can take a casino to the cleaners. You find that while we may have certain common traits and behaviors, that they are not distributed to us in a cookie-cutter fashion.

Even more importantly, I have found that some of us are void of those traits the medical community seems to insist upon. That we might master things like empathy, sarcasm or irony, or be completely impulsive on some levels. That you begin to realize how diverse we are within the spectrum of autism itself. I don't have the impression that Neurotypical medical professionals grasp this reality.

 

[Andy R]

My diagnosis really helped to liberate me. By telling everyone I am an Aspie means I can now be who I am comfortable being. I can avoid situations where I feel uncomfortable without seeming rude.

There are still some people who think that there is nothing wrong with me (My Employer) but I look at it this way. We do not have a visible disability. We function, on the surface at least, very well. Asperger's is a hidden condition because we are smart enough to adjust for it, even if we don't know we are Aspie.

I feel free enough not to play that game anymore. Take me as I am, or not

 

[Judge]

We function, on the surface at least, very well. Asperger's is a hidden condition because we are smart enough to adjust for it, even if we don't know we are Aspie.

It's what I consider "the curse of mild autism". We know there's something different about us, but it's like navigating without a map or compass.

Knowing you are on the spectrum is that compass; that map.

 

[purplemezzo]

My 16 year old daughter was formally diagnosed with ASD Level 1 (formerly called Aspergers). She feels like a fraud in the world outside of out home ALL THE TIME. She has severe anxiety.

 

[Ereth]

Am I right in assuming that this is recent? Your daughter will adjust in time. Welcome to Aspies Central, by the way.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I know exactly how you feel.

I've wondered this myself for some time now, but wasn't sure if it was just me, or if every Aspie feels the same. Or perhaps it's more Aspie women?? (as we're kind of halfway between both worlds in general). I'm keen to see who else feels this way, for sure

I don't think it's Aspie women, as I don't feel that way, and I remember an AC member who hasn't posted for a while who was male say the same thing that you guys said.

 

[epath13]

no, not really.... I think I should have been diagnosed with Autism not Asperger's.... which, imo, is pretty much the same thing well... the doc did say, he would if I had speech delay... one of the reasons I've stopped coming here, besides being impulsive, bored, having nothing to say etc etc etc is because I felt out of place... so many people seemed so "normal"... but then again, everybody is different that is why it is a Spectrum, right?

 

[Sass]

Thanks for all your replies. I've been quite up and down since my diagnosis. I wanted so badly to be sure, and now I am. I guess it's just fitting this new piece of knowledge into what I thought I knew and how I see myself now that has been hard. And it will probably continue to be hard until I've worked out how what went before fits with what's happening now.

Again, thanks for the replies