Feeling like no one can help

[scarletnymph]

For the past several years I've had greater and greater depression and anxiety and feel like I'm constantly struggling with the same problems over and over again, never able to find solutions or find a way to successfully function without trying to address them.

In November I started to really struggle with suicidal thoughts, feeling like there are just no solutions and its never going to get better. I did seek aide from therapists and drugs, and that has helped some, but I ended up leaving therapy because it just wasn't getting me anywhere. I couldn't find a therapist who could help me with MY problems, we were just chasing our tails.

I knew that might be the case going in, as a former therapist myself I know the play book and had already applied the stuff I know to myself without success. My thought was I don't know everything and others might bring a fresh perspective to my issues, so I had hope, but to no avail.

Usually what I run into is that when I try to describe what I'm struggling with it just seems hard for people to comprehend why I'm struggling with it. To them it seems like it shouldn't be as big of a deal as I'm making it, or they give me textbook solutions that aren't relevant and don't work, or some cliches like "You eat an elephant one bite at a time."

I think many of my issues are related to being neurodivergent. So I thought people here have probably run into the feeling that you just can't be helped.

So have you learned to live with that? and how?

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Hello,

Long lasting depression should be treated by a proffesional, you may even need some mediccine to overcome recurrent negative thougths.

Some things that may help (and you probably already know):

• Selfcare (eating healthy, sleeping well, doing some low impact exercice, ...)
• A personal diary.
• Doing exercices of positivity, like noting every day the best 5 things of your day, 7 things you are good at, 3 things you like about yourself, your 10 favourite animals, things you would like to do in the future, etc.
• Mindfulness is also said to work to train the brain to have more control on recurrent thougths.

We have many depressed people at the forum now, some of them may give you better support or empathy.

Best of luck.

 

[Wolfnox]

Well. Sometimes looking into new subjects can help.

 

[scarletnymph]

I'm certainly not looking for people on the forum to solve my depression, and I'm sorry if I gave that impression.

I just have found 'professional' help to be less than helpful, as I mentioned ... and often question whether I can be helped at all ... which I expect other people on the forums have also felt ... and it is my hope that some of them have faced that feeling that their is no help, and have learned how to live with it and might offer stories or advice to explain how they have done so.

 

[Gerontius]

Mostly it's the availability of professional help that's been unhelpful to me, plus the fact that the only way I could better my situation was to move house, at once.

I am sorry, I would write you a proper reply but I'm a bit sleepy.

 

[Wolfnox]

I'm certainly not looking for people on the forum to solve my depression, and I'm sorry if I gave that impression.

I just have found 'professional' help to be less than helpful, as I mentioned ... and often question whether I can be helped at all ... which I expect other people on the forums have also felt ... and it is my hope that some of them have faced that feeling that their is no help, and have learned how to live with it and might offer stories or advice to explain how they have done so.

Sure. I've experienced that. It's why I said looking into new experiences. Books, movies, music, games can help. Or learning more in the sciences. You would be surprised what ends up helping. Or you discover.

 

[Thinx]

I'm a therapist, just better say upfront! But not specifically working with depression which in UK would be worked with more in NHS settings. However its such a cover all word isn't it, so indeed many are up against some depression when they are coming for Counselling help with issues.

Just some musings... I suppose I see some potential difference depending on how your depression is. Did anyone suggest help with medication for example? Do you know any reasons why/how you got depressed?

Just an opinion, my observation has been that there can for some be a difficult interaction between their autistic thinking processes and depression effects, that looks like it gets some people rather stuck. It does occur to me that for some, medication alongside therapy or self help may be part of how to move this along, again possibly for some.

It's hard to know from what you say how much your life circumstances are relevant, apart from autism, as to why you may be feeling suicidal, I guess you have some insights into that, and where it's coming from?

Many of us on the spectrum seem to do self help better than we can use professional help, so you may well be onto something I think, but also bearing in mind that between autism and depression, we can sometimes need the input of someone or something else to help us not be stuck.

Ever tried co counselling? It's a grass roots approach where individuals help each other by witnessing the other's work. Maybe look into it, I did quite well in that setting, albeit prior to realising I was also up against high autistic traits or ASD1, which I subsequently self diagnosed and gave me some great understanding about things I seemed unable to change.

In the end, a counsellor or therapist is just a witness, while we work on ourselves, I think. They have ideas and expertise that may help them ask useful questions, but that's about all. My journey is mine. I also found some movement related therapeutic work good, like participating in 5 rhythms dance for example? Maybe we benefit from something that moves our processes along physically up and beyond the cage of our careful thinking?

 

[StrayCat]

Usually what I run into is that when I try to describe what I'm struggling with it just seems hard for people to comprehend why I'm struggling with it. To them it seems like it shouldn't be as big of a deal as I'm making it, or they give me textbook solutions that aren't relevant and don't work, or some cliches like "You eat an elephant one bite at a time."

That sounds like disability. ASD is a disability (certainly mine is). While I'm not sure what exactly are you struggling with, maybe you need accommodations, like any other disability? These definitely helped me. While I was privileged enough to only be depressed occasionally, once I got my accommodations, for the first time in my life I stopped living in perpetual "survival mode". And this eliminated any kind of depression and suicidal toughs

 

[RotanotNino]

Have you tried considering and writing down specific situations, behaviors or other things that get you depressed? I periodically write things down that vex me. It doesn't immediately change anything but sometimes small steps to mitigate or avoid things that irritate me do become apparent.

 

[Sarah S]

I just have found 'professional' help to be less than helpful, as I mentioned ... and often question whether I can be helped at all ... which I expect other people on the forums have also felt ... and it is my hope that some of them have faced that feeling that their is no help, and have learned how to live with it and might offer stories or advice to explain how they have done so.

Like you (but im older than you as well and in my time, they didn't know diddly about any of my diagnosis) i can't say that i have gotten any good or productive help from the so-called professionals. So, i simply had to learn how to adapt to them all by myself and learn how do I work with all this. And also, myself learn as much as possible about all my diagnosis. and from there again try to understand how all this makes my problems in life

Also, what i would suggest is trying to talk to others (be it online in here and or other places) with this and or similar diagnosis or problems.
and learn from them (i have and still do)

Lastly as you (only in my case i have been dealing with all this professionals since i was 4 up to when they finally tossed the towel and i got my ASD 3 diagnose) im pretty aware of the different ways therapists and shrinks and so on use to get the person in need to open up and to help guding them towards the answer they seek so to say so i can't say that further concealing will be at any use for my own case. SO i again had to learn how to analyze / adapt as best to my own capabilities and get to try to understand my self and how i work.

Now all this has takend most of my life ( id say i managed to finally get the laitest of the missing puzzle of who and why i am as i am the year y prior to me coming in here and even more so after coming here.

As for the are you doomed to never get any of this sorted? HECK no you know as well as i do that the simple secret you as a former therapist is to be guided towards youre own way of solving this problem (ie path to find youre own way on how to get this better) and the ONLY one that can do this is YOU. But it dont hurt for many to have someone to help guide them in their quest.

Furthermore, as im shore you already know depression (i have been bipolar or as it was called Manic depression disorder since i was a little girl , same as suicidal (recently since a few years bumped up too Severely) Works in the way that it really dont matter how good youre life actually is your still geting the inner voices telling you and trying to persuade you that everything is lost you have no hope so why bother might just as well just give up or even end it all if youre suicidal. BUT you also know that this is not the right voices that coming out its the warped feelings that comes from said depression and we need to learn to NOT listening to this BS coming from youre inner mind. (Far from as easy as it sounds like i agree BUT it CAN be done )

So, in conclusion reg youre question try to communicate /interact with others with youre diagnosis

Try to learn as much as you can about youre own diagnosis so that you then can learn how they all makes youre own difficulties in life ( ALL NP and or other diagnosis are highly individual so you can't compare how others ether have learned to live with them or how they mess up their life, as even on the this matters its highly individual how different persons learn to cope and adapt too them)

And last try to let go of the im a former therapist i know what you have to say and i know the tricks youre using so what can you get from someone that i myself have been. Granted you might know the tricks and methods BUT that dont mean that if you indeed manage to find some that you feel might actually the right for you want to be able to help even you dear. As you know it all depends on how you as the person seeking help are. Same as the person offering the help is willing to actually try to understand / listen and try to actually help you towards the path of feeling better. other words it takes too to make this thing work.

As for the BS you seem to have been given that youre probably just overreacting on this and shouldn't blow it up to this proportions. that tells me thus so-called therapists and or friends really need to either find new profetions and just keep their mouth shut. NOONE have the right to downsize youre own previous experiences in life.

 

[Callistemon]

Sure. I've experienced that. It's why I said looking into new experiences. Books, movies, music, games can help. Or learning more in the sciences. You would be surprised what ends up helping. Or you discover.

Yeah, that is all pretty important stuff to me too, and hiking, good nutrition and sleep. Without a healthy body and interesting things for my brain to do and enjoying the environment I live in, I would be depressed for sure.

I was only properly depressed once - you know, for more than a week; for about a year in my early 20s where I was functional enough still to do well at a postgraduate diploma and to make myself good food and keep fit, but every time I had done these basic things I needed to do for the day, my brain would say, "That's it, you're going to sleep now!" and just switch me off. That was a weird form of depression. I felt really miserable but my survival autopilot just kept me going (I also have complex PTSD but didn't know that then).

When the holidays came I could not get out of bed, but not for lack of sleep that year. The depression was undiagnosed and untreated and I only realised it in retrospect, after coming out of it. It was a reactive depression to a situation I was in at the time. When I finished my theory, I left that bad situation and did a practicum deliberately in another part of the state.

The completely new environment, plus the supportive and fun department I happened to end up in, immediately broke me out of that state, like diving into water, this night and day difference. Then I moved again to a scenic part of the world to take up my first professional position, and that was even better. I was happy and productive and then could see the difference between that and the state I had been in less than six months before - quite scary to look back.

So what I am saying is that environmental and social factors are huge for my own mental/emotional wellbeing.

@scarletnymph, my situation is different to yours, but I don't know I would personally ever feel there is no help. I DIY a lot and read a lot and never seem to get consistently hopeless. But if I didn't look after my mind and body quite specifically and if I lived in a terrible environment, I know I would be depressed.

Very tired and maybe not making sense - will come back to this.

 

[Darkkin]

One rather small, but major thing I've always had to help keep me up and moving and root my routines, my pets. Rue Dog in particular after strep destroyed my mitral valve and it had to be replaced. The list of what I was not allowed to do was immense, and I had always, always been massively active. Biking, swimming, hiking, etc. And suddenly, I'm winded walking from the living room to the kitchen.

There was a lot of anger and frustration with myself for not being able to do seemingly simple things after a lifetime of near limitless endurence (some of which was probably a lack of interoception on my part.) No matter how scowly, owly, or crabby I was Rue Dog would always come over offer toys, tug me up if I needed it, or tow me around the floor in a one sided game of tug. He learned the point and double click, I point at an item, double click, and he would bring me the item.

But Rue Dog is a smart, active dog. He needed way more than just indoor games. He needed to be outside. He loves sunshine, fresh air, and the woods, (which for the time being were off limits as the woods meant going up the bluff and I had zero in the way of physical resources).

We started walking again. To the end of the driveway. The block. To the start of the bike path. Always, we added a little bit more each day. If I was pushing too hard, my dude would deercheck me. Basically, he would nose a pulse point, and either sit down and refuse to move, or tow me home. If I didn't listen he used blackmail. If anyone has ever seen a husky tantrum, you'll understand.

Rue forced me to engage when I wanted to completely unplug from the world and hide in my reading. I was mad at myself for getting sick, for being vulnerable, for needing help, and unable to do everything I could before. I felt like I had failed at life and I hadn't actually done anything wrong. (It was a perfect storm of genetics, structural abnormalities, and an atypical strep presentation.) It was an irrational anger that only made me madder at myself because I was so logical. There was no reason to be mad, but mad I was. And my dumb ass dog had the gall to smile at me and offer a toy.

Sorry about the long winded spiel, but my pets have always played a roll in getting me out of my own head and making me interact. This is a living thing that is counting on me to keep it alive and relatively comfortable. The fact that I had something relying on me connected with me in a way most people never do. It was a purpose, a small purpose, yes. But it meant something to Rue Dog and my cat at the time, CatCat. I had to adult whether I wanted to or not.

Pets can help when and where other people just don't understand the irrational, internalized mad. They can pull us back into life when we don't want to go. If having a full time pet is not an option, consider checking into humane society volunteer programs. It is amazing how cathartic it can be to have a one sided conversation with a cat or a dog. Verbalizing things whether written or voiced can really help.

For me it has gotten to the point, when I get lost with Rue Dog, my sarcastic internal monologue falls completely still. It is at peace with itself and me, (weird way of putting being at peace with myself because my inner monologue is a part of me).

 

[Izzie]

I'm certainly not looking for people on the forum to solve my depression, and I'm sorry if I gave that impression.

I just have found 'professional' help to be less than helpful, as I mentioned ... and often question whether I can be helped at all ... which I expect other people on the forums have also felt ... and it is my hope that some of them have faced that feeling that their is no help, and have learned how to live with it and might offer stories or advice to explain how they have done so.

 

[Shamar]

For the past several years I've had greater and greater depression and anxiety and feel like I'm constantly struggling with the same problems over and over again, never able to find solutions or find a way to successfully function without trying to address them.

In November I started to really struggle with suicidal thoughts, feeling like there are just no solutions and its never going to get better. I did seek aide from therapists and drugs, and that has helped some, but I ended up leaving therapy because it just wasn't getting me anywhere. I couldn't find a therapist who could help me with MY problems, we were just chasing our tails.

I knew that might be the case going in, as a former therapist myself I know the play book and had already applied the stuff I know to myself without success. My thought was I don't know everything and others might bring a fresh perspective to my issues, so I had hope, but to no avail.

Usually what I run into is that when I try to describe what I'm struggling with it just seems hard for people to comprehend why I'm struggling with it. To them it seems like it shouldn't be as big of a deal as I'm making it, or they give me textbook solutions that aren't relevant and don't work, or some cliches like "You eat an elephant one bite at a time."

I think many of my issues are related to being neurodivergent. So I thought people here have probably run into the feeling that you just can't be helped.

So have you learned to live with that? and how?

I was suicidal by age 9. There was nobody I could talk to about it. I tried telling my mother once ("You're too young to think about things like that."). I think the only reason I'm still alive is because I could not think of a method that was not too messy, painful, took too long, and made a statement. I DID spend a lot of time looking at knives, standing on bridges and ledges, thinking about the medicine cabinet, etc. I will say that my undiagnosed autism was the root cause.

I was alone then, but you are not, at least not here. We support each other, because few others will. Our advice may not be relevant to you (we can't get into your head), but it is sincere. I can say from personal experience that many, if not most, professionals don't really understand. Some of the reasons we think about these things may seem trivial or insignificant to others, but to the person involved it is a devouring monster, and builds into a desperation to get rid of it.

You have made the first step here talking about it. That alone may relieve some of the pressure.Best of luck dealing with this, don't give up or let the monster win.

 

[Richelle-H]

I grew to see depression as a result of one's wishes, expectations, needs, dreams, and desires going unmet or frustrated in ways we have difficulty dealing with. The condition is not particularly conducive to finding solutions your mindset can accept as valid. Too easy to go "I tried that and it didn't work for me" rather than giving things a try.

I was severely depressed to the point of being unable to function after my birthday in 1977. I may have gone to work but have no recollection of doing so. I certainly avoided contact with people I was friendly with, and they never called to see what was up and, of course, that fed my depressive state. This went on through July, August and a good deal of September.

To this day, I am still oblivious as to what caused that taut rubber band of depression to snap back in the opposite direction. Whatever caused the massive release it was like shooting a starburst into the sky. I felt as if I were one with the universe and better than any manufactured or derived drug that I have experienced. ever experienced. Since that release, I have never been even been that close to major depression again. Oh sure, I have had very minor bouts but they fade to nothing the minute I start comparing to that flash point in my life.

I guess I realized that my depression was completely based in my frustration with my life and the direction I thought it was headed. I cannot find a completely satisfactory explanation to explain what happened, for either the depression or the subsequent launch in the opposite direction. Was it from achieving some sort of perspective? I do know that in the experience I was desperate to escape. I did come to the realization that I never wanted to visit that place again for any length of time.

I still suffer from minor bouts, but they tend to last no more than 24 hrs. Something takes over in my head and essentially diverts my thinking away from whatever the kernel is that could suck me into that deep black pit again. Depression feeds on itself, from my own experience, and once inside it things get so dark you can no longer experience any joy or comfort and it seems like it might not ever end.

Back in 1977, I didn't even try to get out of it. My depression festered and grew to the very depths of despair and then.... As I said earlier, I do not know what finally ended it and gave me that very palpable euphoric high. I have never experienced that again, but I have also never been significantly depressed since then either. Maybe I just realized that the cost was greater than I was willing to pay. I have never taken anti-depressants, and generally avoid prescribed medications that alter brain chemistry.

I regret that I have nothing to offer, other than this reminiscence. I wish I could, for having been in that pit, I know what it feels like and yearn to offer something concrete to help, as depression arises out of our cumulative experiences and interactions. Perhaps the cure lies in demanding less of ourselves and those around us, just being comfortable in the moment as much as we are able and not wanting more from it. That is just idle musing on my part, but...

Be good to yourself and relax, in the end, that is all that I think it came down to back in 1977 coupled with that incredible natural high. I wish I had the key to that!

 

[Slim Jim]

Perhaps the cure lies in demanding less of ourselves and those around us, just being comfortable in the moment as much as we are able and not wanting more from it.

To let go of trying to control , every single moment , in life. This innate desire, this need to control, the outcome of our endeavors, and those around us. Our strong compulsions, these " demands," to meet certain objectives, criteria, states, in our life, sets up up for disappointment, when we fail = depression. It's the same process with expecting others, to meet our, standards. Inevitable disappointment = depression.

I'm sure most people, westerners, that is, are familiar with the famous quote, " The kingdom of Heaven is within you."

This song is a call to look within you, not without you.

Try to realise it's all within yourself
No one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small
And life flows on within you and without you
- George Harrison,

Take the lyrics for e.g. Let me try and break it down.

The problem is a matter of perception. Responsibility lies with yourself. It's saying be humble, don't think you can conquer the world, it's too big.
Life is an unstoppable force of nature, ever present, flows on, like a river, carry you along, regardless of your mental state, perception, demands, expectations, beliefs, of how life SHOULD flow. Our destinations, are in many cases out of our hands, not under our control. But of course, doesn't stop us trying to force things to bend to our individual wills. Our own whims.

And this persisting "demand" we control every aspect of our life, others life, the world, is what causes these phantoms of the mind, "demons", you might call them, quite a medievel term, to wreak havoc, and entangle you and drag you down. A downward spiral into self-reproach, pain, mental confusion, despair... misery, and of course depression.

The Beatles are deep yo.

Of course 'peace of mind is hard thing to maintain 24/7. Most people , even the dispirited, must get glimpses of it. It's just staying in that positive state. And of course , it's harder, with autism. And any other co-morbid conditions.

 

[Aspychata]

Think it's always a struggle. Living with ourself, ND, depression. It's a package deal, like depression and guess what folks, more realization just at the levels of being depressed, and a therapist who is clueless about your deep hole. Alot here have had bad results with therapists in general. So yes, maybe a better therapist. Or better understanding of you?

No disrespect to @Thinx who has brought excellent insight to this forum.

 

[Izzie]

Hey... I feel exactly like that.
That I cannot be helped and that I have tried everything. I am in the worst depression I have ever experienced and trust me, I have been several depressed before. I tried killing myself twice when I was 21 and well... After that I sort of built a life that I was comfortable with. But now I am again in the deepest end of this horrible pit. This darkness. And I have no hope. My oldest son has just been diagnosed with Asperger's. I am undiagnosed officially myself but finally I had answers as to why I have always felt so out of place. So alone. And yet, I like being alone. I just don't know how to be with others and comfortable too. How to fit in. How to not see life and this world as something hostile and terrifying.
I keep getting up and going through the motions for my kids. That's all. Otherwise I would just end it all. Now I know how. But my kids... I can't abandon them and yet I keep thinking they'd be better off without me. So I know how you feel. And it's not helpful, to tell you that therapy never did a thing for me except make me feel worse. I found no empathy. I found no comfort. But I hope that knowing that others are struggling with the same pain may bring you a little something. I once beat this monster. I don't know how. I just did. And I keep thinking that if I did it then surely I will be able to do it again. Don't know how.
If you're a therapist at least maybe you can find comfort in helping others. Letting them know that you get them. I think that would have helped me. Knowing that any of my therapists really understood my pain would have been a relief. And you have that opportunity. And you're not alone here. Hopefully that might mean something, even a tiny something.
Positive affirmations worked for me too. Right now I can't even because my brain is broken. But when I was a little better, before my son was put inpatient for major depressive episode, before he was diagnosed and being bullied at school (not saying a word to anyone about it) I found positive affirmations in YouTube that were helpful. Self hypnosis also helped. Now I feel nothing can save me but I wanted you to know that you're not alone. And that your pain matters whether others understand the reason or not. You matter. I wish you a better day today. And all the blessings in your life shining bright so that you may see them and find comfort in them.
Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Just know that you are not alone.

I'm certainly not looking for people on the forum to solve my depression, and I'm sorry if I gave that impression.

I just have found 'professional' help to be less than helpful, as I mentioned ... and often question whether I can be helped at all ... which I expect other people on the forums have also felt ... and it is my hope that some of them have faced that feeling that their is no help, and have learned how to live with it and might offer stories or advice to explain how they have done so.

 

[Sarah S]

Izzie dear first warm Wellcome to the site

Second OF COURSE you can also get better. You have been thru this before, and you can darn shore get to win again as for each and every battle you have managed to Winn you have also learnt how to do this (hence im still here able to talk to you all in here)

BUT for this to happen it will also take a lot of hard work and dedication from our own side that we actually want to get better and are willing to do the hard work to get there someday. i wish i could say it will just come from up above one day but sadly that will not happen it takes a lot of own willpower to want to get thru this.

I have lost count on how many times i have fallen in the deep black dark pit during my life, not to mention how many times i have slammed in the famous brick wall (i hardly feel it anymore and i just slam in and then get up and brush myself of and continuing my life struggles again.

My life have been a never ending uphill of a emotional roller Coaster of a never-ending bombardment of pain and suffering and endless uphill struggling against ALL odds. and most that know and have known me thru life is amazed im still standing (incl my parents and family members )

I have MULTIBLE NP diagnosis (2 Severe) with Countles Co morbids on those and a gazillion learning disabilities- And multiple other problems on top of all this. BUT yet here i am every day continuing to fight every day to get to my goals in life regardless all the poor odds. Just giving up on life is NOT an option for me as lord knows i have tried so many times but it seems im unable to do that (thus far ) and i was indeed doomed from birth

Sadly, the sad fact in life NONE have said life would be walk in the parc. And i personally wish i were never born BUT as im apparently was born all i can do is to try to make the best of what i have to use in my life.

And last like you i have also investigated the best way to end it all and i know how to do it BUT! i can assure you this either method you think you may have figured out is NOT painless and it will be the worst experience in youre life EVER and for me it scared me out my mind the last time i was VERY close to take this step.

So DONT for a moment ever think that taking that step is a quick and painless and easy step to take. Not to mention most methods are far from 100 % sucess rate of actually get to leave and you risk SERISOS lifelong complications from them.

Take it from me (diagnosed SEVERLY suicidal) Suicide is NOT will NOT have EVER been the right way.