feeling sad

[paloftoon]

A video game group I'm in, there are a number of typical NTs who come and go and are very lacksadaisical. There are a number of people who have extreme social issues, otherwise I'd get along with one of them real well. There are sane people except they've been pushing me away if there are activities being done that are not part of the group. I'm not included by people. By the organizer, I was "encouraged" to see a psychologist which I feel didn't help and was encouraged to "search for more groups" even though I am overwhelmed by my current involvement.

Another member of the group, I became friends with him and his serious girlfriend. It turns out it was a fake friendship on their end from the beginning. I knew there were bad signs, but it was kind of slim pickings anyway. The guy I was 'friends' with got me to join a convention he was a big part of. I was promoted, and they were happy or "happy" about my job at the time. I then stepped down anyway because I didn't feel like I was truly connecting with the people deeply enough. Also, I wasn't in this clique enough and I didn't feel the benefits being decreased appeased to me either.

A few months after that whole thing and with the guy not responding to my calls on top of that, I come to find out unsurprisingly that the girlfriend does share her phone number with other people, just not with me. She claimed she did this to everyone and I had to hard time believing her, but I didn't make a big deal about it at the time. I didn't like how there were a few very last minute things and it was usually only after I called or e-mailed about something. I was almost never important enough to initiate an event with. There were several times I initiated where the guy or couple made an effort. But I think they weren't honest enough with me that I was like boring them to death or something. Their invitations weren't perfect either, and I didn't expect them to be. I just wanted to be respected, and come to find out the best thing for me to do once again is "run".



I know I've reached the point where I can contribute enough to society, deal with change reasonably for the most part, communicate and listen to people for the most part enough. I'm sad because all of the circles I'm in, the few people I get along with more have their own issues or barriers to deal with. Most everyone else could really give a crap about me. If I stop going to these groups, I am hurting myself because then I am not making myself part of an activity I enjoy doing. Always looking around for new things that pop up that fit my interests and personality when I can too. Just not the quality friendships to go with it. ;(

 

[hiraeth]

For some months I was very active in a group related to my current special interest and, there was a time when I met a lot of interesting people and befriended some of them, but eventually the group dynamic shifted and I found it harder and harder to relate to the new people, and new groups felt even more uncomfortable and isolating. Like everyone else was better at it than me, were generally more functional human beings than me, had more energy and resources to dedicate to the activity than me, blah blah blah. Trying to connect with people specifically as friends rather than activity buddies became rather toxic for me (because it kept failing), so I just stopped bothering. I still went on doing what I normally do, I still reach out to ask for someone's time or help or advice when it's relevant, but I'm entirely okay with the scope of those interactions ending there now.

Sometimes I still feel sad about it, sure. I think there was potential for more to happen. But, it's okay that it isn't like that anymore. It is more important to me that I enjoy my interests rather than get caught up in the "community" and forget what the point is - the activity first, the people second. If I happen to meet friends this way then great, that is a bonus, but it isn't a necessity, it's not why I do it in the first place.

 

[Professori]

A video game group I'm in, there are a number of typical NTs who come and go and are very lacksadaisical. There are a number of people who have extreme social issues, otherwise I'd get along with one of them real well. There are sane people except they've been pushing me away if there are activities being done that are not part of the group. I'm not included by people. By the organizer, I was "encouraged" to see a psychologist which I feel didn't help and was encouraged to "search for more groups" even though I am overwhelmed by my current involvement. I know I've reached the point where I can contribute enough to society, deal with change reasonably for the most part, communicate and listen to people for the most part enough. I'm sad because all of the circles I'm in, the few people I get along with more have their own issues or barriers to deal with. Most everyone else could really give a crap about me. If I stop going to these groups, I am hurting myself because then I am not making myself part of an activity I enjoy doing. Always looking around for new things that pop up that fit my interests and personality when I can too. Just not the quality friendships to go with it. ;(

True, honest, disclosing, vulnerable friendships are an absolute rarity today. Most are contractual, meaning that the person wants what he/she needs from the other person and when that need is not met then there is no longer a 'friendship'. Very few seek friendship in order to really connect at the deepest level of yearning and searching.

It is sad that in the eyes of most this would mean you need to see a psychologist . I suppose that would make me the psychologist who needs to see a psychologist - not! .

I am idealistic when it comes to relationships because it means connection despite one's issues, and also because of them. Is that not what makes a friend - someone who really is interested in you as you are in them? There is enough instant superficiality out there - focussing on doing rather than listening to another's soul.

So, I have given up on groups of any kind because I find superficiality exhausting, but am always looking for those who will connect and so it makes me the odd one, marching to the beat of a different drummer. I am always hopeful that there are many others who march to the same drummer.

 

[paloftoon]

I think an angel heard me today a bit. One of the people I was referring to who had a girlfriend, they may've broken up. I don't know the details for sure. It's hard to say, but it's really weird. The guy apparently is getting lonely. I wouldn't budge though. He has to try harder and actually show he cares. I've put up with way too much $#!+ to let his immaturity and parasitic time-and-energy-sponginess absorb me further.

 

[Mia]

I am idealistic when it comes to relationships because it means connection despite one's issues, and also because of them. Is that not what makes a friend - someone who really is interested in you as you are in them? There is enough instant superficiality out there - focussing on doing rather than listening to another's soul.

It's interesting that commonality, that perception of friendship. Assumed until I read your post that I was the only person who felt that way. A loyalty and a strong bond between two people that early on in my life I thought imagined, that no friendship existed like that after the first real one. And when it breaks in childhood, it seems as if people disappoint from the beginning.

 

[Professori]

It's interesting that commonality, that perception of friendship. Assumed until I read your post that I was the only person who felt that way. A loyalty and a strong bond between two people that early on in my life I thought imagined, that no friendship existed like that after the first real one. And when it breaks in childhood, it seems as if people disappoint from the beginning.

Sadly, that is so. After many years it is obvious that people do not understand true relationship, nor are prepared to put in the time - too much like hard work. It takes facing your issues with another person and people would rather justify their brokenness by saying that is just who they are and so like it or leave it. And I repeat I am not talking about those characteristics that we simply cannot change because they are a fixed part of our psyche - that is not brokenness.

Our society is focussed on instant gratification - I want what I want when I want it, especially out of another human being. However, deep and loyal relationship takes time, energy, disclosure, vulnerability and sometimes pain, but the joy that one finds in it is worth it.

But you are right, there are many disappointments and frankly, one ends up feeling very alone. No wonder the suicide rate for Aspies is so much higher the the average. Grief, that is a sad note to end on .