I’m good at bottling things up until they can’t be contained. Yesterday, I had a very high anxiety day that after crashing it left me feeling very overwhelmed and feeling confused. I think, this has left me feeling more concerned with other things. Like a pandora opening the box. My insecurities of being alone, feeling isolated, feeling like I’m not good enough, feeling intimidated, feeling like because I’m not as sociable as others that I’m somewhat aloof, boring etc. it’s illogical but I know that I feel all of these things. And I feel like the dam, the bottle cap, have been opened not only because of repressed emotions that have built up because I just want to get to the end this job contract. It’s obvious that it’s mainly me feeling like these feelings, and I can stop this if I made more of an effort to social interact with people during breaks, if I made more of a push....But that means I’d have to pretend that I am anything other than happy and I feel like I’m barely keeping it all in. Last week my mom got told that she only has 1-2 years left to live and I feel like I am not really processing this well.I have been a support to my mom for a few years, and I have given much into this yet it’s been for nothing. There’s no magical cure, no hope that she’ll be better and she’ll reach a good old age. I feel like I’m a disappointment to her.. My doctor called this anticipation grief and maybe it’s correct. I’m just not handling this well at all. I can’t talk to her because I don’t want her to get upset. But I don’t have anyone to talk to about it either.
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Feeling sad
- Thread starter Owliet
- Start date
We each mourn in our own way. Two years ago my mother had a severe stroke, and afterseeing the MRI I saw that any recovery was hopeless. Although there had been friction between us I was determined to provide appropriate care to the end. Yes, I was grieving from that moment, yet I made sure she returned home to familiar surroundings and received good hospice care while my siblings and I saw to her needs. I am thankful to find the strength to assist her, as futile as that may have been. Especially to give her that wish to die at home.
What you do is not useless. Be there for her and you will have no regrets. You have my sympathy.
What you do is not useless. Be there for her and you will have no regrets. You have my sympathy.
So very kind!
I'm sorry, @Owliet - you're really having a very rough time at the moment. Illness, trying to work a high-pressure in-the-public-face job, colleagues a bit iffy, and now your mother getting a bad diagnosis. It just hasn't stopped, has it?
I had a friend with terminal cancer who outlived her diagnosis by years and years, but that's not really the point - that can happen or not happen, with a bad diagnosis of most types. What I found so extraordinary is that she was so incredible in the time she had left - I'm not sure quite how she did it, but she was determined to enjoy her life to the last drop, and she said she fitted more stuff of importance into a year post-diagnosis than she had in five years before. And that's despite the fact that the ongoing maintenance chemotherapy really took away so much of her energy.
She also said the biggest problem about her diagnosis was that a few friends stopped seeing her, most likely because they felt awkward about her terminal illness and impending death. She told me, "If only they knew they don't have to do anything heroic, it's just that I like having a chat and a coffee just as much as ever, that doesn't have to change!" But some of them couldn't do it. She appreciated the people who were still in her life after her diagnosis even more. Her grandchildren were pre-school and she really enjoyed them, and made lots of great memories for them, for their future.
Hoping you and your mum can enjoy whatever time you still have with each other. At least you know and can make it good. I think all of us tend to take life for granted until someone gives us a bad diagnosis, but really, any of us could get hit by a bus today etc. Maybe we should live more while we can. Just rambling thoughts - no words ever quite fit these situations.
We're here if you would like to talk about this or anything else at any point. ♥
I had a friend with terminal cancer who outlived her diagnosis by years and years, but that's not really the point - that can happen or not happen, with a bad diagnosis of most types. What I found so extraordinary is that she was so incredible in the time she had left - I'm not sure quite how she did it, but she was determined to enjoy her life to the last drop, and she said she fitted more stuff of importance into a year post-diagnosis than she had in five years before. And that's despite the fact that the ongoing maintenance chemotherapy really took away so much of her energy.
She also said the biggest problem about her diagnosis was that a few friends stopped seeing her, most likely because they felt awkward about her terminal illness and impending death. She told me, "If only they knew they don't have to do anything heroic, it's just that I like having a chat and a coffee just as much as ever, that doesn't have to change!" But some of them couldn't do it. She appreciated the people who were still in her life after her diagnosis even more. Her grandchildren were pre-school and she really enjoyed them, and made lots of great memories for them, for their future.
Hoping you and your mum can enjoy whatever time you still have with each other. At least you know and can make it good. I think all of us tend to take life for granted until someone gives us a bad diagnosis, but really, any of us could get hit by a bus today etc. Maybe we should live more while we can. Just rambling thoughts - no words ever quite fit these situations.
We're here if you would like to talk about this or anything else at any point. ♥
Absolutely true! A friend was dying and another friend and I visited him one evening while our spouses treated his wife to an evening out. Being part of somebody's life I wasn't going to abandon them at the end of it.
Be with her until the end if possible. It is the best you can do for both of you.
I took care of my parents to the end until they had to go into the hospital
and even then I was there for hours everyday.
I wanted to be there at the very end and missed by only about 10 mins. with both.
Maybe it was best. Don't know how I would have reacted.
Can't write much about it as the remorse has never totally resolved.
My thoughts are with you. You will find your own way, I know.
We're here anytime you need to talk and our support is with you.
I took care of my parents to the end until they had to go into the hospital
and even then I was there for hours everyday.
I wanted to be there at the very end and missed by only about 10 mins. with both.
Maybe it was best. Don't know how I would have reacted.
Can't write much about it as the remorse has never totally resolved.
My thoughts are with you. You will find your own way, I know.
We're here anytime you need to talk and our support is with you.
If there is one thing i have understood & learned, it is you CAN'T pretend to be someone you're not dear. This said im shore that the others can and have in many ways already accepted you as you are so this is is most likely all in your head. furthermore, trying to bottle it up is not going to work. As you see it all comes back and in greater strength.
When my dear mother got her Alziemers diagnose (roughly 10 years ago) i also had to face the fact that my most important person in the world would someday have to leave me so i do understand your frustration in all this. (she is now in a GOOD home for this diagnosis being WELL takend care of BUT prior to that i had to step up and help her in pretty much everything and managed for 4 years before i had to take the horrible desition that my mom needed to get in a home & believe me when i say this was the worst desition i ever had to take in my entire life as i later also had to step down from her life (im still there in the background) As all my diagnosis not to mention my mom still then knew i lied to her with everything is okey don't worry about me mom. And i should also say the docs and everyone around her said the same that i needed to step down. I should also say this period of taking care of my mum this year's sadly made ALL my diagnosis regress and multiply to even worse than when i was little girl.
BUT even with the price i today and most likely the rest of my life left will have to pay i would do it all again without even blinking for my dear mother. So don't for one second ever think that all you have done and are doing for your mother was /is all for nothing dear.
And the best advice i can give you is making the best of the years your mum have left. Focus on the positive rather than the negative. And try to be strong in front of your mother. And on the other side accept that this is sadly the way this is going to go and also you NEED to accept that you need help (other words same advice as i got told when i was still in moms life as her support in everything, You have to also remember and take care of yourself in all this to able to help your mother.
Believe me i understand how hard all this must be for you and my heart is broken to read that you are being forced to go thru this tragic event my friend. (Heart)
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Thank you for your kind support.
I have been trying to use my current philosophy of taking a day at a time, I don’t really know what happened on Thursday but I did process it more clearly. It’s not a surprise that this is the news, and I know that my parents will one day die but I feel selfish wanting to have more time with them. At Christmas, when my sister invited her boyfriend and I wasn’t really able to handle that change, my mom and dad did say that she was dying but I didn’t really take that in properly because of my own state and there’s always this hope that if she had another surgery that she would be better again. It sounds really stupid but verbally saying it in anger as compared to having it in a doctor’s writing in an official document, it brought it to reality.
I’ve been her support for a few years now, as my dad isn’t very good with handling her when she’s unwell (like her up and down blood sugars, her crashing stomach twisting itself). It’s me who will push her to go to the hospital. And it’s me who will be looking after her during and after these events. I know that it’s because he can’t really handle it and feels helpless. And my sister has never helped out ever because she only cares about herself but I cannot keep doing this on my own. It’s unfair that they have the expectation that if something happens that it’ll be me to help. I don’t mind helping her. But I’d like it to also be supported by them. I can’t talk about it with them because I get empty promises. And just went my life has started again and I start to make progress, even if it’s only a year and even that’s been difficult at times, she has this confirmation news. It’s just not fair. It’s why feel like my support for her hasn’t been enough if she’s declining. It’s illogical, I know it is but that’s feeling like failure that she’s only got such a short time.
I keep thinking that it will be her last birthday, Easter, spring etc, whilst trying to enjoy moments. I feel quite guilty that I keep having a thought that she can have another year, and another. Like I’m bargaining. It’s been a fear of mine since the age of four when she went into hospital to have my sister but ended up having a botched Caesarian with all of these problems. I don’t have this control, and I know that it’ll happen but I just want something in my life to have meaning and to go right with something constant. But no. It’s not happening.
I can’t be upset around her or even talk to her about it because it’ll make her upset. I can’t speak to my dad about it because he’ll be sad. I could talk with my sister but I don’t know how to approach it because I barely see her as she’s often away with her boyfriend and his friends. Like she doesn’t really care.
I hope that I can talk about it with my psychiatrist. It’s just trying to find the words and the time to have an appointment...
I have been trying to use my current philosophy of taking a day at a time, I don’t really know what happened on Thursday but I did process it more clearly. It’s not a surprise that this is the news, and I know that my parents will one day die but I feel selfish wanting to have more time with them. At Christmas, when my sister invited her boyfriend and I wasn’t really able to handle that change, my mom and dad did say that she was dying but I didn’t really take that in properly because of my own state and there’s always this hope that if she had another surgery that she would be better again. It sounds really stupid but verbally saying it in anger as compared to having it in a doctor’s writing in an official document, it brought it to reality.
I’ve been her support for a few years now, as my dad isn’t very good with handling her when she’s unwell (like her up and down blood sugars, her crashing stomach twisting itself). It’s me who will push her to go to the hospital. And it’s me who will be looking after her during and after these events. I know that it’s because he can’t really handle it and feels helpless. And my sister has never helped out ever because she only cares about herself but I cannot keep doing this on my own. It’s unfair that they have the expectation that if something happens that it’ll be me to help. I don’t mind helping her. But I’d like it to also be supported by them. I can’t talk about it with them because I get empty promises. And just went my life has started again and I start to make progress, even if it’s only a year and even that’s been difficult at times, she has this confirmation news. It’s just not fair. It’s why feel like my support for her hasn’t been enough if she’s declining. It’s illogical, I know it is but that’s feeling like failure that she’s only got such a short time.
I keep thinking that it will be her last birthday, Easter, spring etc, whilst trying to enjoy moments. I feel quite guilty that I keep having a thought that she can have another year, and another. Like I’m bargaining. It’s been a fear of mine since the age of four when she went into hospital to have my sister but ended up having a botched Caesarian with all of these problems. I don’t have this control, and I know that it’ll happen but I just want something in my life to have meaning and to go right with something constant. But no. It’s not happening.
I can’t be upset around her or even talk to her about it because it’ll make her upset. I can’t speak to my dad about it because he’ll be sad. I could talk with my sister but I don’t know how to approach it because I barely see her as she’s often away with her boyfriend and his friends. Like she doesn’t really care.
I hope that I can talk about it with my psychiatrist. It’s just trying to find the words and the time to have an appointment...
Youre very welcome
We can all try to adhere our own vice words but we all sometimes fail (me included) so believe me you're far from being the only one.
I understand its never good news to hear this kind of things or hearing on the phone one day that your dad has been close to death (my reel dad) one day from out of the blue. and then a year after same story from a MASSIVE stroke. (Last year) and before all that my stepmom close to death and actually VERY close of finally get to rest (both are old mind you but my dad was still quite active and fit for his age, now in a wheelchair and recently also got a pace maker ) So i have to wait and mentally prepare myself for the day i either get phone call from my mums home that she have left ,same as from my dad that either my step mum have left or indeed my dad have died so believe me dear i understand you in all this (Heart )
Yes, i have similar issues with my family as we are all over the globe and those in this country is scattered all over the country + all have more than enough problems in their life so it was me that had to (as it should be in my case ) step up on all this (i should mention that prior to mums diagnose my step dad sadly departed in a MASSIVE brain bleed. So, mum moved to my county thank God as she couldn't all alone be she lived. In NO way should you feel you are a failure dear you have been and still am there for your mother and that's what counts (and we mustn't forget you as I have our diagnosis that shore don't help in us being built to cope with this kind or situations. So, try to lose the guilt feelings my friend you're a GOOD daughter. As i said i have to be prepared for the day when i get the sad news from both my parents as well as my step mum so believe me i know it's not easy my friend.
Believe me when i say i understand you better than you might think in this as my entire life have been a never-ending roller coaster of never-ending problems and i had to fight for every inch of small sucess i have manged to achieve in life. And also had to see takend away from me right in front my eyes in many cases my friend.
same here reg me not being able to talk too much about well many things with my dad (he has most likely also ASD 1 and ADHD) same with the rest of my family with different possible diagnosis so no support to find there sadly. (Mum MOST likely ASD confirmed suspicions from docs etc... around mum )
If i can help with anything you can of course also contact me in here my friend so you're NOT alone in all this. Or/and we can of course keep talking out here.
You are NOT a failure nor a bad daughter or anything else. you are YOU my friend and from what i have understood you're doing a great job in all of this.
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It is just as important to take care of yourself too. What you are going through is very stressful, and the responsibility for caring for somebody will take a toll on your emotional reserves. Take a break at times to pay attention to yourself. You will know when hospice becomes necessary.
My psychiatrist is now aware, and the plan is to give me and my mom support with this. I’ve been trying to not think about it too much and fortunately I have quite a lot to do anyway, but sometimes it can become too much. I think I’ve accepted it, but I haven’t really processed it. I suppose I may not. Trying to take a day at a time and use each day as a new one. It’s all I can do. My mom had a bad night last night, not quite sure what it was but managing it. Quite tired. Been told to take time for myself, which I see that @Gerald Wilgus also suggested. It’s just often that I forget. And I think that it’s easy to forget that I’m not a robot.
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